April 19, 2008

Stims: Day 8....everything looks great! (why do I feel so weird?)

Well, we made it to The Palace (as Denise appropriately refers to it) by 8:30am this morning, despite being up until 1:30am and having to drive nearly 40 minutes to get there. This is CCRM's main office - where all the magic happens, where I committed RE stalking not too long ago. It is quite impressive. Driving up to an entire building devoted to infertility - it's a little awe inspiring.

I got my first real peek behind the doors of this mansion of reproductive technology. Wow. I am used to going to the satellite office, which is just that, merely an office - well, a suite of rooms and offices really - that takes up roughly a corner of one floor of a building attached to a hospital. At any one time I may see a total of 3, maybe 4 nurses in the halls or rooms as I pass through. At the Palace, as we were ushered into the ultrasound room, I saw dozens of people coming in and out of rooms, waiting in chairs, walking down hallways. It felt like I had been brought into a secret underground world of the future - all the technology, the talk of blood work, drugs, follicles, etc....and the absence of men. Except for Mr. Spicy, that is. He came back to watch the ultrasound, sat with me during our consult with the nurse, and waited with me for my blood draw. And boy did he get an earful.

The biggest difference for me at the Palace was how talkative all the other patients were. As we waited for our blood draws, women would sit and share intimate details about their cycles, the side effects they may be experiencing, where they were from (if from out of town), etc. I kind of liked this instant intimacy and openness but it definitely caught me off guard. At my usual office there are rarely more than 2-3 people waiting in the waiting room at one time and all of us smile politely at eachother and read our magazines as we wait. At the Palace, women asked eachother about their retrieval dates, what meds they were taking, how injections were going - it was really wild. All that was missing was a little coffee.

And Mr. Spicy sat there, listening and engaging these women with interest and compassion. When I returned from my blood draw, I found him listening intently as a woman was relating details about something to do with her cycle to him. And I had to wait for her to finish her story before I could retrieve my husband and leave. It made me smile. On the way home, he related to me what each woman had shared and we both wished them all success with their cycles.

So....now for my numbers....

Follicles: 16-18

Size : 1.5 - 2.0

lining: "about 13"

No Gonal F shot tonight, and only 1 vial of Menopur in the morning again. Then we hit the Palace bright and early at 8:30am once more. woo hoo.

I missed the call from the nurse with my results and on her message she just told me my meds dosages but not my blood results. I know that knowing the exact numbers doesn't change anything - but I like to have them. Kinda bummed I didn't get them today. Actually, this is something I have noticed with several of the nurses who I have dealt with recently - they will tell me "everything looks good!" but I have to ask for specific numbers, measurements, results. It makes me wonder - am I the weird one here, or are they? It seems really normal for me to want as much information as possible, to be tracking this progress as closely as they are - to be educated at each step. But maybe that's unusual? Maybe I am just a complete control freak and most patients feel secure with a simple, "everything looks good..."? My usual nurse and ultrasonographer are really great about giving me as much info as possible without my having to ask - it's just the nurses who I don't usually deal with who do this. So maybe they just automatically take the "less is more" approach with info unless you ask? I will be asking. I'm just saying.


After my appointment, I headed out to meet with the Colobloggers. I have been excited for this meeting all month. There are quite a few of us in the midst of a cycle or preparing to start a cycle, or just getting closer in general. It is exciting and I am hoping for a very fruitful and fertile Spring for us all. I really enjoyed seeing everyone and getting to meet Jen for the very first time.

I felt weird though - socially awkward. And I can't discern whether I am just imagining this, whether the social awkwardness was all mine, or whether the meeting just had a different vibe than last time. I think it may be a combination of all three. I certainly was not at my best - sleep deprived, hormonal, spacey, and dealing with my social anxiety by becoming overly talkative and extroverted - I just felt so out of it.

It is especially hard when I know so many of these women read my blog, and I comment on theirs. And in the blogging world, I can sit with someone's words, I can ponder them, I can respond with thoughtfulness and compassion. I can also present my own ramblings through well thought-out posts and useful editing that help me to reveal my truest self. But when we meet up in person - well, there's no spell check, to put it mildly. And I fear that my real life personality will not live up to my blogging personality.

Honestly, lately I have had trouble connecting with everyone I have met with over the last week. I don't know if it is hormones, stress, or just a result of being immersed in my own world at the moment - but I just feel like I am not communicating well or connecting well with people. I find things coming out of my mouth that I didn't mean to say, as if I have no internal censor. I find myself having trouble relating and responding in the ways I would like to. Ugh. And then, then, I feel shameful about it all. Because I really want to connect, and I want to be better than this at hearing people, listening to them, and responding to them - I want to be able to be myself at my very best. To give to others from my very best.

I wasn't at my very best today. Sorry for that, ladies. Mostly, I hope I didn't step on anyone's toes, offend anyone, or stifle anyone else from expressing themselves. I could see how, at different points this morning, I might have. And that so was not my intention or desire. So, I am sorry.

But it was really good to see everyone. Really.


Denise said...

OMG, you totally didn't appear at all awkward to me. And it was good to finally talk to you for a little. We didn't really get a chance to talk last time. But I know how you feel. I don't quite feel like myself right now either, so I'm betting it's the hormones. Hang in there. You are doing so good with all of this!

HeidiM said...

I enjoyed seeing you again, and I'm so happy all your numbers are looking great! If I like all you guys when you're not at your best, then I hold god-like expectations of you when you are....just kidding. It's just nice to get together!

Lori said...

I was clueless to anything but your wonderful self.

But I know what you mean, because I felt the same way. I can be very composed on my blog but feel awkward in person.

People are usually not as hard on us as we are on ourselves.

At least that's what I tell myself.

Alwen said...

I'm glad the IVF stuff is going so well! Yay!

I'm sorry about the social anxiety. :( Hope you're feeling better.

Duck said...

WOw people talk at your clinic. That's so amazing, at my clinic no one talks, no one even makes eye contact (although maybe it's just me, everyone in my clinic is closer to 45 than 25 and they look at me like i'm a child - I look younger than I am).
Glad that all is going well.

Miss Tori said...

Hi Spicy,

Sorry I missed Saturday, but it sounds like it was a good meet up. From what my IVF nurse told me today, it sounds like your feelings are hormone related, rather than the "real" you. She told me not to make any major life decisions as I could be rash, passionate, outspoken, weepy, irrational, and on. I'm glad all is going well with you!