July 28, 2008


nothing like 2 weeks between posts to keep people reading your blog!

If anyone is still out there....I will be back to posting soon - promise!

I have had family in town, and currently have my eight year old niece staying with me till Thu, and Mr. Spicy is out of town so it's been a little hectic - and well, it's like 2000 degrees lately and I can't bare to be in my hot house sitting in front of a computer..... excuses excuses excuses.....meh!

I miss writing, have had a TON on my mind, and have some lovely belly pics to share so I am committed to writing SOMETHING this week.....

July 14, 2008

Peace, Love, & Belly Pics

A couple of weeks ago, in the midst of a nasty sinus infection, I woke up to discover I had lost several pounds over the last couple of days. This was not a huge surprise since solid food absolutely repulsed me at the time - but my stomach had also lost that hard spot that I had identified with being pregnant. So I panicked, sure that the meds I was taking (although on the *safe* list from my doctor) had somehow caused something to go wrong with the baby.

So where did I go for relief? Why, the internet of course!!! And within minutes I found myself on ebay purchasing a Doppler for $39 from Hong Kong. Normally I have a pretty strong aversion to buying things made in China but all I was seeing was a Doppler and a dollar sign at that point.

Of course, the doppler took about a week and a half to arrive so it wasn't exactly offering me much peace in the moment - but I knew that there would be many more freak-outs ahead and waiting 3-4 weeks between doctor appointments to hear the sound of our baby alive and well was just not going to work for me. I figured my peace of mind was worth at least $39.

I did go to the doctor that same day to be seen for the sinus infection and the nurse got out the doppler (which I know cost a great deal more than $39) and I heard the baby's heart beating away. It *almost* stopped me from wanting to stab my own eyes out to be free from the pain in my head. Almost.

So a week or so later when the doppler finally arrived I was no longer in panic mode and was in fact on my way out to a concert (True Colors Tour at Red Rocks - AMAZING!!!!) but I still ripped it from the box, plopped myself on the couch, rubbed oil on my belly, and began the search. It took me a couple minutes to find the heartbeat the first time, during which Mr. Spicy continued to point out that it was a cheap plastic doppler made in China and that I shouldn't expect too much out of it....and then......Eureka!

There was the galloping swooshing beating of our little Poblano's heart. I breathed a deep sigh of relief. Mr. Spicy had tears in his eyes. And I left for the concert a few minutes later with the biggest smile I have had in years.

Initially, I would obsessively use the doppler both morning and night, seeking confirmation that this little life was still growing inside of me. Slowly, I moved to using it only at night, and now I might even skip a night or two between uses.

I expected this little machine to give me some peace, and it has. I feel an immense peace settle over me each time I hear that tiny beating little heart working away inside of me. My heart rate drops significantly every time I hear the baby's.

What I didn't know to expect was the overwhelming feeling of love and adoration - just from hearing this little heart. Each night that I lie there in the dark listening to our little one before falling asleep I feel this love within me just swell and overflow. My favorite moments are those when I can hear the slower whooshing of the blood flowing from my heart through my veins and the quick rabbit-like pulsing of my baby's heart beat, at the same time. In that moment I am reminded in a very concrete way how we are in this together, our baby and I. I realize that the sound my baby knows the very best right now is the sound of my own heart. My heart, beating away without any instruction or supervision from me, doing just what it is meant to do - it is feeding, nourishing, and comforting my little one. My heart already knows how to do this, and is doing it naturally and perfectly. This is the most comforting thing in the world to me.

When I imagine the Poblano growing away inside of me, as I lie there and memorize its heartbeats, I imagine it in a garden, or in a large flower bud, tucked away inside, being nourished and fed with beauty and life. And when I see this in my mind, I am overcome with the peace and love in it all.


And.....I have some belly pics! Here are photos taken at 10 weeks, and then at 12 weeks - I will be taking the 14 week photos tomorrow and will try to be a little more timely about getting them up here. I still cannot believe I am about to put pictures of my stomach on the internet! Ah well....so much for vanity! :)

10 weeks:

12 weeks:

July 05, 2008


I am feeling like lately my posts might come off as very "woe-is-me"ish and I feel the need to make a clarification.

I am struggling. Struggling with internal doubts, pain and wounds that go all the way back to childhood, insecurities, questions, fears.

And this struggle? It is hard. It takes just about every bit of emotional energy I have.

And since my partner is finding himself in a similar tornado of emotion and fear - well, it has been hard.

BUT - I want to say that the more I read, the more I meet with my therapist, the more I learn about the emotional journey of pregnancy - the more I think this is all normal, and necessary.

And for me.....well - this is kind of par for the course for me for this kind of transition. When I think back to other major life transitions, my marriage, heck, even just going back to college at age 30 - I realize that my general response to major life changing circumstances is to go through a massive identity crisis, to do a thorough (albeit painful) inventory of my life experiences up to that point, my wounds, my scars, and the places in me still waiting to be healed. I bring it all to the surface, I sift through it, and invariably I grow a little, I heal a little, I find new parts of myself.

So, even though earlier this week I felt hopelessly discouraged to be facing so many seemingly "old issues" again, even though I felt like I was just facing all the same junk all over again - I was quickly reminded that revisiting these things, revisiting this place meant I was growing, meant I was again in a process of change.

This week I happened upon the writing of a spiritual teacher who used the metaphor of the spiral staircase to describe the lifelong journey towards growth, healing, and wholeness. I have visited this metaphor before but had forgotten the wisdom in it. The idea that in the process of healing and growth we move around in circles, but ever moving upward means that we come across the same wounds and the same messages as we move through these circles but we are not still in those same places. Every time we revisit them it comes from a different angle, with different resources, with greater awareness.

When I stumbled upon this, it was a small and quiet moment of "Aha!" - I realized, with some small hope, that this turmoil I am feeling, this fear, this messiness - it means my heart is being opened and I am moving again towards growth and change and healing. And for this reason I am trying to be gentle with myself and not run from this discomfort. I am trying to be patient with myself and with this process and I am trusting somewhere deep inside me that this is a movement happening within me to bring me to a place where I can better love my partner, my friends, my world, and most of all, my child.

So - even though I seem dark and troubled lately (and I am) - I feel hopeful about this. It is hard, it is exhausting - but if it brings me one stair step closer to being the mother and woman that I long to be, it will have all been worth it.


I have been in the thick of emotion, in the thick of my brain and my heart, lately.

I feel as if a bright light is being shone on my wounds, on my shortcomings, on all the ways I fear I am not enough, on all the ways I fear that my partner is not enough, on all the ways I fear that even if I somehow scraped together all the goodness in this world - it still might not be enough.

I am painfully aware of how I wish I was more healed, more whole, less selfish, less needy, less broken, less messy. I am bitterly aware of how much I fear, of how dangerous I feel this world is sometimes.

Could be hormones, could be simply the work I need to do or the place I need to be right now. Either way, it is painful. I want to be a better person. I want to be a better wife.
I want to have more to offer my child - right now I feel as though I have so little. I want to have more to give, I want to BE more.

I recently discovered this poem and read it over and over and over. I needed these words right now. I needed to be reminded of the tenderness of my wounds, and the holiness of my shortcomings and my scars. I needed to be reminded to be gentle with myself right now.

The Healing Time*

by Pesha Gertler

Finally on my way to yes
I bump into
all the places
where I said no
to my life
all the untended wounds
the red and purple scars
those hieroglyphs of pain
carved into my skin, my bones,
those coded messages
that send me down
the wrong street
again and again
where I find them
the old wounds
the old misdirections
and I lift them
one by one
close to my heart
and I say

(*copyrighted material)