Calling all IVF'ers

In spite of the emotional tornado I have been riding lately - it is getting close to the beginning of our cycle and....I need to start researching where to get the cheapest drugs. For my IVF cycle, that is. And besides, I probably could do something more productive than lie in bed watching Sex and The City episodes all day (watched the 6th season again this weekend - good stuff).

So - I need some advice - which company did you go to for your meds? Why?

Thanks in advance!

The Best Laid Plans....

As I posted previously, I gave my 30 day notice of resignation to my employer on Tuesday. ha!

Well, on Wednesday we had our monthly "all-staff" meeting. At the beginning of this meeting we were given cards thanking us for our contribution to the organization with personal messages. Mine was very kind. Accompanying these cards were $50 gift cards to WalMart (so NOT my favorite store - but it is the thought that counts, right?). Ok, so that was nice. Our staff has been through a lot in the last year, floods, fires, lots of changes, lots of work.....it was really good to receive, and to see others receive, recognition for all of this.

The meeting ended a little differently though. The director of our organization tearfully explained that for financial reasons, the organization would be re-structuring and several people would be laid off. The first on the list were those with no grant funding for their positions. One of these women is a fabulous woman who happens to be my closest work-friend (and the preserver of my sanity most days) and the other is an incredibly kind woman who was 2 months shy of completing 10 years with the agency. Next on the list is, of course, me. Since I had just announced to the group my intention to leave in April, I was next to be told that I will no longer be employed after next Friday. There will likely be several more layoffs before the week is over, as the ability to meet payroll is in serious jeopardy. Health insurance for those staying is also on shaky ground.

This is a big deal for an organization that only employs roughly 16 people, full-time, as it is. Many of the women I work with who are in jeopardy of losing their jobs in the coming week are single moms. They have no margin for error in their bank accounts. There is no room for things like this in their already maxed-out budgets. I am really worried for them. The market is not great, especially in the non-profit world.

I am also worried for the clients we serve. How will they be affected? Their need for services will certainly not decrease during this time....

How does this happen? I have no idea. Explanations were given - something about grants falling through, funding cuts, and bad decisions made by board members in the past....but it is all still very confusing to me. I think that non-profits walk such a fine line every day in determining if they will meet their funding needs, when one thing, or several things, fall through or go differently than planned - it has a huge effect on everything. Did someone make mistakes? Who knows? Does it matter now? Not really.

Mr. Spicy took me out to dinner last night to de-stress. He has been incredibly accommodating about all of this, especially considering that for us this means the loss of 2 more paychecks we had counted on. I even "allowed" myself a glass of wine last night. I figured that the alcohol was probably better for me than the dizziness caused by my blood pressure trying to climb the Swiss Alps and all those fun stress hormones having a dance party in my bloodstream. I did feel better after a glass of wine - and after massive helpings of spicy Mongolian bbq.

The thing is - I feel guilty even being stressed at all...so many others, others I really care about, are in much worse positions. One dear friend that I work with cried through the entire announcement. I knew what her tears were for. She has little ones at home. She was already struggling with the money she makes now. There is no fat to trim in her household. I think a lot of my stress is for these friends, these women, who certainly don't deserve to go through this. It is the hardest thing, in some ways, to know that I am not going to struggle as hard as they will, that I am going be ok - but that there is so very little I can do to really help them.

In the midst of all of this, I did something last night, out of panic, that I feel rather foolish about today - and so, I will share it with you for your enjoyment:

Well, Monday, I interviewed for a summer position. Basically it is a day camp counselor position working with kids and animals - can I just say how perfect this would be for me???? So, anyway, they asked during the interview whether I would be interested, or available, to work a position at their day camp during spring break. I explained that I would not be available during that time as I was not leaving my current position until April (double ha!). Well, last night, I frantically called and left a message for the woman who interviewed me letting her know that I would be available for AND interested in a position over Spring Break, you know, if she decided to um, hire me, or something. And then I laughed nervously, repeated myself, wished her a nice day, and hung up. But, oh no.....that wasn't enough. I emailed her as well. You know, just in case she like, doesn't check her voice mails or something, you know? And in my email to her, I misspelled a word!!!!! Yep, classy. That's me! When I want a job, I will call you, I will email you, I will electronically stalk you, but I will not, I repeat, I will not take the time to proofread my emails to ensure proper spelling or grammar. Nope, that's just not my style. If you know what I mean?

So - the woman emailed me back:

"Thanks for the update. I will be making decisions early next week."

And I can imagine her adding:

I am only being polite to you because, frankly? You scare me. Next week you can expect that I will very politely let you know that we did not decide to hire you (big shocker) and then I will promptly change my phone number and email address.

I blame the wine.

30 days, 30 nights....

So. I gave my 30 day notice at my job today. That would be the 30 day notice of my resignation, that is. And yes, we have planned this for a while - in fact, it was a large part of the inspiration for the post where I whined incessantly about our money issues. Because the smartest thing to do when you are worried about a large financial cost looming in your very near future is to, of course, quit your job. Yep.

Ahem. Yep. I did it. It's done. So done. Wow.

I am still reeling a bit, so I am having a hard time writing about it.

I know it is good. It is good. It will be good.

But it is also completely crazy. Completely, utterly, "72 hour hold" crazy.

And hopeful. Let's not forget it is hopeful. I am hopeful.

I am going into that mode you go into when you are contemplating breaking up with a boyfriend who you know you have no future with, but dammit if he didn't just bring you some flowers tonight? So, they were picked from your own front yard....well, it's the thought that counts, right? That mode where you are trying to hold onto those last three things you really adore about him and will honestly miss...and afraid that even though it is clearly not going to work between the two of you...What if you never find anyone else, ever again? - And what if you die a horrible lonely death from falling in the shower because you were tripped by one of your 58 cats? And what if no one is there to help you? And what if you haven't shaved in weeks??...and, and??
You get the idea.

So yeah, I am already mourning a little what I will miss about my job. The top three things I will miss are: the kids, the kids, and the kids.... These kids I get to work with? They are so inspiring. They rock. Really. Often I just sit there and listen to them or watch them, and I think how they really have so much going for them, how so many are just so incredibly insightful, and honest, and real. They are true survivors, in every sense of the word. What always amazes me is that spark of innocence and hope and the will to thrive that is still burning in them, even after they have been through incredible traumas and tragedies. It gives me faith in humanity, in our ability to heal and transform, in our deep goodness and light, in our desire to be whole.

But, at the same time, I am moving on for me. (and I can't begin to explain how selfish I feel just writing that) I am moving on for my family. I am moving on as an act of faith. Faith that there is something more for me. Faith that I will have nothing left to give these children or any others if I stay here much longer. Faith that I will have many many opportunities to give again, and to give even more. Faith that if I follow my heart and I dream big the entire universe will come alongside me to help me.

What I do know is this: Yesterday I was driving, and as the mountains rose in all of their spectacular glory before me, I realized I was smiling. I was smiling with my whole heart. I recognized this feeling I had not felt in quite a long while, the feeling that there is some golden string extending from my heart, going forward into the space before me - I cannot see where it ends but I know it is pulling me towards something good.

For the first time in a long time,

I was not only aware of the thread,

but I felt free,

completely free,

to follow it.

The Root of All Evil

Money.

Mr. Spicy and I had a loooooooong talk about it last night. And again this morning. The lack of it, the needing more, the taking of it by our RE and all our infertility expenses....ad nauseum.

The thing is - we aren't that bad off. There are many many people who are having to finance (i.e. "owe the man") for their entire IVF and those who just simply can't afford to do IVF at all, financing or otherwise. We are talking about selling our souls going into further debt for only about a third of the IVF costs. We have it comparatively good. The fact we can even consider IVF is really a luxury.

We have worked really diligently at paying off student loans, car payments, etc...to get where we are now which is still not out of the woods, but looking darn close. We really have a value of not creating new debt, and eventually living debt-free. It is hard when something like this comes up and we look at the amount we will pay out all at once and think: "Wow. It took us over a year to pay less than that on a student loan." and to know that this means a major set back in our plans to take over the world get out of debt.

I have always been the type to say, "It's only money!" and I have always felt things would somehow work themselves out. The sad thing is, during those times I made far less than we do now, and I was in fact, OK. So, how did we get here, where we make a combined salary that is really darn good and we still have to have these stressful and gut-wrenching conversations about financial decisions?

Mr. Spicy on the other hand is not one to say, "It's only money!" - he worries and ponders over our financial situation constantly. He has valid reasons for doing so - but since this isn't his blog and he has not willfully chosen to share his whole life with the world wide web, I won't delve into his reasons. Suffice it to say, he is not just some stingy curmudgeon. Not at all. But money matters to him, it matters a lot. Well, actually what it symbolizes to him matters a lot. He sees being debt-free and financial gains as being closer to freedom (and somewhat rightly so) and thus, setbacks financially feel like setbacks on the path towards freedom and autonomy. That's a big deal.

This morning, as Mr.Spicy processed all the ways that the expenses of IVF and the related decisions we are making as a result are burdening his heart and mind, my heart broke. I feel like somehow I am doing this TO him. He doesn't feel this way. At least he hasn't admitted to me as much. But I just do. I looked at him this morning and I thought about how much this is costing him, emotionally, psychologically, relationally, financially, and I wished for a moment that I had never come into his life. I thought about how much better off he would be without his infertile wife in the picture. How he would have so much more freedom. Freedom to buy those new shoes he is lusting after. Freedom to buy a brand new suit. Freedom to drive a truck that isn't more than a decade old. Freedom to do what he loves in the world and never worry about money. Freedom to never feel "deprived".

And of course, we could just not do IVF - but that involves even greater costs that I don't think either of us is willing to pay.

It is so stupid and astounding to me that something like money could make me wish something like that - that we had never met. Because there is so much more than that between us. But I feel like in this moment of counting costs, of watching the results of years of hard work and diligence seem to disappear into thin air - what I have to offer here just seems so insignificant and small. I want so much to make this easier for him, to take more of the burden on myself - but I can't. (Honestly, my earning potential is just ridiculously less than his.) Just like he can't take on the burden of the shots, the hormones, the invasive procedures, the blood draws, the guilt, the shame, the questions that are uniquely mine to carry.

We are more together, more a team than ever - but still there is such a difference in what we carry in this, what we stay awake over, what we grind our teeth over at night.

Of course - if our IVF is successful these costs will seem small in comparison (I hope) - and I am sure we will never ever regret having made the sacrifices needed to do this. But if it doesn't work?......

It is so much bigger than money, isn't it? It always is though.

If you had to pay for IVF "out of pocket" - how did you cope with the financial decisions and financial strain? Was it different for you and your partner?