Mr. Spicy and I had a loooooooong talk about it last night. And again this morning. The lack of it, the needing more, the taking of it by our RE and all our infertility expenses....ad nauseum.
The thing is - we aren't that bad off. There are many many people who are having to finance (i.e. "owe the man") for their entire IVF and those who just simply can't afford to do IVF at all, financing or otherwise. We are talking about
We have worked really diligently at paying off student loans, car payments, etc...to get where we are now which is still not out of the woods, but looking darn close. We really have a value of not creating new debt, and eventually living debt-free. It is hard when something like this comes up and we look at the amount we will pay out all at once and think: "Wow. It took us over a year to pay less than that on a student loan." and to know that this means a major set back in our plans to
I have always been the type to say, "It's only money!" and I have always felt things would somehow work themselves out. The sad thing is, during those times I made far less than we do now, and I was in fact, OK. So, how did we get here, where we make a combined salary that is really darn good and we still have to have these stressful and gut-wrenching conversations about financial decisions?
Mr. Spicy on the other hand is not one to say, "It's only money!" - he worries and ponders over our financial situation constantly. He has valid reasons for doing so - but since this isn't his blog and he has not willfully chosen to share his whole life with the world wide web, I won't delve into his reasons. Suffice it to say, he is not just some stingy curmudgeon. Not at all. But money matters to him, it matters a lot. Well, actually what it symbolizes to him matters a lot. He sees being debt-free and financial gains as being closer to freedom (and somewhat rightly so) and thus, setbacks financially feel like setbacks on the path towards freedom and autonomy. That's a big deal.
This morning, as Mr.Spicy processed all the ways that the expenses of IVF and the related decisions we are making as a result are burdening his heart and mind, my heart broke. I feel like somehow I am doing this TO him. He doesn't feel this way. At least he hasn't admitted to me as much. But I just do. I looked at him this morning and I thought about how much this is costing him, emotionally, psychologically, relationally, financially, and I wished for a moment that I had never come into his life. I thought about how much better off he would be without his infertile wife in the picture. How he would have so much more freedom. Freedom to buy those new shoes he is lusting after. Freedom to buy a brand new suit. Freedom to drive a truck that isn't more than a decade old. Freedom to do what he loves in the world and never worry about money. Freedom to never feel "deprived".
And of course, we could just not do IVF - but that involves even greater costs that I don't think either of us is willing to pay.
It is so stupid and astounding to me that something like money could make me wish something like that - that we had never met. Because there is so much more than that between us. But I feel like in this moment of counting costs, of watching the results of years of hard work and diligence seem to disappear into thin air - what I have to offer here just seems so insignificant and small. I want so much to make this easier for him, to take more of the burden on myself - but I can't. (Honestly, my earning potential is just ridiculously less than his.) Just like he can't take on the burden of the shots, the hormones, the invasive procedures, the blood draws, the guilt, the shame, the questions that are uniquely mine to carry.
We are more together, more a team than ever - but still there is such a difference in what we carry in this, what we stay awake over, what we grind our teeth over at night.
Of course - if our IVF is successful these costs will seem small in comparison (I hope) - and I am sure we will never ever regret having made the sacrifices needed to do this. But if it doesn't work?......
It is so much bigger than money, isn't it? It always is though.
If you had to pay for IVF "out of pocket" - how did you cope with the financial decisions and financial strain? Was it different for you and your partner?