Happy New Year!
So much to reflect on, so much to celebrate and acknowledge. In many ways the best and hardest year of my life. I hope to explore this more in the days and weeks to come.
But tonight I just want to share a few moments and mini-miracles from our holidays.
Today I caught my 11 month old son carefully unloading the dishwasher, piece by piece, placing each utensil carefully and directly into the garbage can. A year ago he wasn't even here (at least not on the outside). Now I see this toddler standing before me, wide-eyed and full of adventure. This feels miraculous and wonderful. I truly cannot wait for the moments to come.
Today, during bath time, I noticed my son standing in the tub beginning to poop (again). Without a single thought I quickly reached out and caught it in my hand. My husband and I laughed and he chuckled, "Wow, you really are a mom!"
Indeed.
On Christmas Eve, in bleary-eyed sleep exhausted hopefulness, I mentioned to my husband that perhaps we would receive a Christmas miracle and our son would sleep through the night, finally. He slept a record nine and a half hours straight that night to our complete bewilderment and gratitude.
We have embarked on actively shaping Zane's sleep habits with the intent of helping him to sleep through the night and fall asleep on his own (we are using methods mostly from this book). Not only has he given us nights of ten and a half hours of sleep (new record) and seven hours of sleep (literally unheard of in months!) but tonight, after our bedtime ritual and kissing him good night, I sat in our rocking chair and watched my baby quietly and peacefully fall asleep on his own without a single tear. This feels like a miracle and a place I nearly stopped believing we would ever see. I am so proud of him, and of us.
We are all embarking on a new chapter together. A new year. A new decade. I feel hopeful and blessed.
2010....bring it on!
Showing posts with label beginnings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label beginnings. Show all posts
January 01, 2010
May 06, 2009
This Day...
One year ago today....
I drove to my RE's office. My stomach was filled with butterflies, my heart filled with hope. I listened to Feist on the way there, belting out the songs that had gotten us through our IVF experience thus far.
I waited to be called in the back and waited as the tech drew my blood, commenting on my unusually (for me) prominent veins that day. The tech and the nurses wished me luck, and promised if the news was favorable I would hear them shouting in celebration all the way at my house.
I drove home. I waited to pee on the home pregnancy test, a cheapie dollar store test. I finally gave in and peed, knowing my husband was on his way home. I left the test on the counter and waited for him to get here. I could not be alone when I saw the result. I could not face another negative test again, alone.
My husband came home and walked into the bathroom while I waited in the hallway. He carefully carried the test out to me. There were two lines. This was not another negative. This was different. This was wonderful. This was unbelievable.
And nothing has been the same since.
On that day, I thought that the sight of the digital pregnancy test spelling out "Pregnant" was the most beautiful image I had ever seen. I thought the sound of the nurse reporting our beta (197) was possibly the most incredible sound I had ever heard. I remarked that day, "I have never known a joy quite like this..."
And yet? As earth-shattering and life-changing as that day was? Everything I felt and heard and saw and wrote was all so very small compared to what I get to see and hear and feel today:
He is wonderful. He is unbelievable.
I drove to my RE's office. My stomach was filled with butterflies, my heart filled with hope. I listened to Feist on the way there, belting out the songs that had gotten us through our IVF experience thus far.
I waited to be called in the back and waited as the tech drew my blood, commenting on my unusually (for me) prominent veins that day. The tech and the nurses wished me luck, and promised if the news was favorable I would hear them shouting in celebration all the way at my house.
I drove home. I waited to pee on the home pregnancy test, a cheapie dollar store test. I finally gave in and peed, knowing my husband was on his way home. I left the test on the counter and waited for him to get here. I could not be alone when I saw the result. I could not face another negative test again, alone.
My husband came home and walked into the bathroom while I waited in the hallway. He carefully carried the test out to me. There were two lines. This was not another negative. This was different. This was wonderful. This was unbelievable.
And nothing has been the same since.
On that day, I thought that the sight of the digital pregnancy test spelling out "Pregnant" was the most beautiful image I had ever seen. I thought the sound of the nurse reporting our beta (197) was possibly the most incredible sound I had ever heard. I remarked that day, "I have never known a joy quite like this..."
And yet? As earth-shattering and life-changing as that day was? Everything I felt and heard and saw and wrote was all so very small compared to what I get to see and hear and feel today:
He is wonderful. He is unbelievable.
March 04, 2009
Identity Crisis
6 weeks ago today, my son was born and I became a mother. I entered whole new world and I have been trying to map the terrain ever since.
I knew motherhood would present challenges to my identity. I assumed my fierce independence would be confronted. I assumed my reluctance to define myself would become even more murky. I braced myself for a full-on identity crisis like I experienced when I was first married.
And I do feel strange and out of sorts and like a new baby (thanks for the metaphor, Selena) just trying to find out who I am in this new world of mine. But it isn't quite as hard or as scary as I thought it would be. At least not all the time.
In fact, sometimes it feels like a call into becoming. Becoming someone I have not yet met but know I am meant to be.
There are dozens of moments throughout the day when I get a glimpse of her. When Zane looks at me with utter adoration, when I can comfort him with just the scent of my skin, when I feed him with my own body, when I wake in the middle of the night completely exhausted and still find a smile for him, when I am able to make the choice to be there for him to be present with him even when I would rather check out for awhile - these moments and so many more give me a taste of the woman and mother I am becoming. She is loving, she is strong, she is honest, she is wise, and she is hot! Seriously. In those moments I feel like a total rockstar superhero. When my son looks up at me and smiles I imagine I am glowing with beauty and light.
And then? I look in the mirror. And yeah. Not so much.
Most days I look rather less than a glowing image of motherly light. And far short of a superhero. I look in the mirror - my hair needs serious attention, and though I have pretty much lost my pregnancy weight I am still heavier (and flabbier) than I would like to be, and there are dark circles under my eyes to remind me that in six weeks I have yet to sleep more than four hours or so at a time. And often I am still in my pajamas at 11am. Not hot. But real. This is me. Right now.
Right now.
But I believe that other woman is in me too, just waiting to become. Ok. So maybe I won't morph into some super-hot superhero with a halo of light shining all around me - that's a bit much. But I do believe I am on my way to someone pretty cool. And this revelation is completely shocking to me.
Despite my intense longing to become a mom, despite my desire to meet my child - I had (and still have) a lot of the same fears about taking on that role that I did about taking on the role of "wife". I wondered if I would still be me, if my identity, my life thus far, who I am - would be swallowed up by this role, by this other person. I feared my voice, my heart, my mind would become irrelevant. I worried I would have to squeeze myself into some box labeled "Mommy" that society dictated I would now belong in. I feared I would not find my way to my own definition, my own carving out of motherhood, that instead a new identity would be hoisted upon me with all its expectations and rules.
So I expected some inner turmoil - and to be honest, there is some. I have spent the last week challenging my spouse completely unnecessarily, to test him - to be sure he saw and valued my contributions as a Mom staying at home as much as his contributions as a Dad who works outside of the home, to be sure we were still partners in this. Like I said, completely unnecessary - but all about my fear of being forgotten and abandon and dismissed because I am now a "Mom".
Right beside that fear though, and perhaps stronger than it, is the notion that being a mother could actually bring me closer to who I am deep inside and who I am meant to be. This was my hope but I had no idea if it would be met. I still don't. But I do know that when I get those peeks at a future me - a strong, powerful, empowered woman and mother who is filled up and giving from her fullness - that is so enticing and exciting to me.
So, for now, I will give out of my exhaustion and my deep deep love and devotion and I will trust that the road to her will become apparent as I listen to my heart. I believe the greatest gift I can give my son, my husband, and myself is to listen and to follow this road to becoming.
In the meantime, I have two incredible partners in this journey - all of us trying to find our way.
I knew motherhood would present challenges to my identity. I assumed my fierce independence would be confronted. I assumed my reluctance to define myself would become even more murky. I braced myself for a full-on identity crisis like I experienced when I was first married.
And I do feel strange and out of sorts and like a new baby (thanks for the metaphor, Selena) just trying to find out who I am in this new world of mine. But it isn't quite as hard or as scary as I thought it would be. At least not all the time.
In fact, sometimes it feels like a call into becoming. Becoming someone I have not yet met but know I am meant to be.
There are dozens of moments throughout the day when I get a glimpse of her. When Zane looks at me with utter adoration, when I can comfort him with just the scent of my skin, when I feed him with my own body, when I wake in the middle of the night completely exhausted and still find a smile for him, when I am able to make the choice to be there for him to be present with him even when I would rather check out for awhile - these moments and so many more give me a taste of the woman and mother I am becoming. She is loving, she is strong, she is honest, she is wise, and she is hot! Seriously. In those moments I feel like a total rockstar superhero. When my son looks up at me and smiles I imagine I am glowing with beauty and light.
And then? I look in the mirror. And yeah. Not so much.
Most days I look rather less than a glowing image of motherly light. And far short of a superhero. I look in the mirror - my hair needs serious attention, and though I have pretty much lost my pregnancy weight I am still heavier (and flabbier) than I would like to be, and there are dark circles under my eyes to remind me that in six weeks I have yet to sleep more than four hours or so at a time. And often I am still in my pajamas at 11am. Not hot. But real. This is me. Right now.
Right now.
But I believe that other woman is in me too, just waiting to become. Ok. So maybe I won't morph into some super-hot superhero with a halo of light shining all around me - that's a bit much. But I do believe I am on my way to someone pretty cool. And this revelation is completely shocking to me.
Despite my intense longing to become a mom, despite my desire to meet my child - I had (and still have) a lot of the same fears about taking on that role that I did about taking on the role of "wife". I wondered if I would still be me, if my identity, my life thus far, who I am - would be swallowed up by this role, by this other person. I feared my voice, my heart, my mind would become irrelevant. I worried I would have to squeeze myself into some box labeled "Mommy" that society dictated I would now belong in. I feared I would not find my way to my own definition, my own carving out of motherhood, that instead a new identity would be hoisted upon me with all its expectations and rules.
So I expected some inner turmoil - and to be honest, there is some. I have spent the last week challenging my spouse completely unnecessarily, to test him - to be sure he saw and valued my contributions as a Mom staying at home as much as his contributions as a Dad who works outside of the home, to be sure we were still partners in this. Like I said, completely unnecessary - but all about my fear of being forgotten and abandon and dismissed because I am now a "Mom".
Right beside that fear though, and perhaps stronger than it, is the notion that being a mother could actually bring me closer to who I am deep inside and who I am meant to be. This was my hope but I had no idea if it would be met. I still don't. But I do know that when I get those peeks at a future me - a strong, powerful, empowered woman and mother who is filled up and giving from her fullness - that is so enticing and exciting to me.
So, for now, I will give out of my exhaustion and my deep deep love and devotion and I will trust that the road to her will become apparent as I listen to my heart. I believe the greatest gift I can give my son, my husband, and myself is to listen and to follow this road to becoming.
In the meantime, I have two incredible partners in this journey - all of us trying to find our way.
February 07, 2009
Coming up for air
I am sitting in the glider in our bedroom. I am holding my naked-except-for-his-diaper son against my bare chest. He just finished eating and being slowly rocked into a contented slumber. He is perfection and innocence embodied in this gorgeous, creamy skinned little body with the most intense and peaceful eyes I have ever stared into. This is what I have waited for. And it is so good it scares me.
We've been hibernating and healing over here. Letting go of the "shoulds" (I should have....uploaded more pictures by now, sent birth announcements, retuned e-mails/ phone calls, started using our cloth diapers by now....etc..) and learning to live in the moment. And there have been so many that the last few weeks feels like a blur of polaroid photos flashing by me.
We had a long, hard, powerful, unexpected, and at the end a bit scary, labor and birth. I have been processing it like crazy with my husband and my doula and am finally able to relate the details with pride and honesty. And I plan to share more about that here soon (meaning when I have two hands free to type with - it's a long one).
My first week home was a blur of uncontrollable crying jags and suffocating anxiety that made me feel as if I was being held captive in the bottom of a dark pit that I might never return from. I could feel the love for my husband and son but somehow couldn't quite reach it, or them. It was agony. I would sit and hold my newborn to my chest, skin-to-skin, inhaling deeply the scent of his neck - determined to stay connected to him, allowing his scent to pull me up from the pit in small increments measured by my breathing. My husband called in the reinforcements: friends who are mothers, my counselor, our doula. I called Apothecary Tinctura and they quickly whipped up some herbal and homeopathic remedies to nurture and support me. Also, I received my placenta capsules - capsules containing my steamed, dehydrated, and finely ground placenta. I had paid to have these made for this very purpose, to help me to balance my postpartum hormones and emotions a bit easier. Thankfully, after several tearful coversations with friends and my amazing doula, many cups of tea and doses of tinctures, a few days of placenta capsules, and lots of prayer.....something worked. I woke on Monday and something had lifted. So far it has not returned and I have given thanks for every day since, knowing I am far from being out of the woods. But I am learning to live in the moment and to be grateful for each one.
Since Monday, the experience of motherhood has consumed me with all the magic and all the mundaneness. I have had highs....the utter joy of seing my son "smile", the realization that this beautiful incredible boy is the same boy we saw all those months ago, small as a grain of rice on the ultrasound image with the flicker of a heartbeat that is now the pounding heart that I love to hold against my own, the quiet satisfaction and peace as he nurses. I have had some "lows" too....the realization of my now very limited freedom, the anxiety induced over simply trying to figure out how to get a shower or leave the house (I will figure this out right?), the late night irrational anger over hearing my husband snore away while I am up, again.
Love has become so much bigger than how I feel. Love is all about action these days. The action it takes to respond to my son, the active ways I anticipate his needs, the active choice to be with him, to smile - even at 3am, to constantly let him know that he will be cared for, he will be loved - no matter what. Also, the action necessary to reach out and connect with my husband, my partner to love him and ask him to love me in the ways we need right now. And lastly, the action necessary to love myself: brewing a pot of tea, feeding myself, finding time to shower, asking for a break when my husband comes home so I can reboot - and choosing to hibernate and conserve during this season of transition.
Slowly, moment by moment, I am receiving my son's trust in me and learning to trust myself. Slowly, I am letting myself be changed, letting my selfishness and independence be challenged and shaken up, letting myself fall ever more in love, letting myself breathe, letting myself be a mom, a good mom - even when I doubt my own ability.
We've been hibernating and healing over here. Letting go of the "shoulds" (I should have....uploaded more pictures by now, sent birth announcements, retuned e-mails/ phone calls, started using our cloth diapers by now....etc..) and learning to live in the moment. And there have been so many that the last few weeks feels like a blur of polaroid photos flashing by me.
We had a long, hard, powerful, unexpected, and at the end a bit scary, labor and birth. I have been processing it like crazy with my husband and my doula and am finally able to relate the details with pride and honesty. And I plan to share more about that here soon (meaning when I have two hands free to type with - it's a long one).
My first week home was a blur of uncontrollable crying jags and suffocating anxiety that made me feel as if I was being held captive in the bottom of a dark pit that I might never return from. I could feel the love for my husband and son but somehow couldn't quite reach it, or them. It was agony. I would sit and hold my newborn to my chest, skin-to-skin, inhaling deeply the scent of his neck - determined to stay connected to him, allowing his scent to pull me up from the pit in small increments measured by my breathing. My husband called in the reinforcements: friends who are mothers, my counselor, our doula. I called Apothecary Tinctura and they quickly whipped up some herbal and homeopathic remedies to nurture and support me. Also, I received my placenta capsules - capsules containing my steamed, dehydrated, and finely ground placenta. I had paid to have these made for this very purpose, to help me to balance my postpartum hormones and emotions a bit easier. Thankfully, after several tearful coversations with friends and my amazing doula, many cups of tea and doses of tinctures, a few days of placenta capsules, and lots of prayer.....something worked. I woke on Monday and something had lifted. So far it has not returned and I have given thanks for every day since, knowing I am far from being out of the woods. But I am learning to live in the moment and to be grateful for each one.
Since Monday, the experience of motherhood has consumed me with all the magic and all the mundaneness. I have had highs....the utter joy of seing my son "smile", the realization that this beautiful incredible boy is the same boy we saw all those months ago, small as a grain of rice on the ultrasound image with the flicker of a heartbeat that is now the pounding heart that I love to hold against my own, the quiet satisfaction and peace as he nurses. I have had some "lows" too....the realization of my now very limited freedom, the anxiety induced over simply trying to figure out how to get a shower or leave the house (I will figure this out right?), the late night irrational anger over hearing my husband snore away while I am up, again.
Love has become so much bigger than how I feel. Love is all about action these days. The action it takes to respond to my son, the active ways I anticipate his needs, the active choice to be with him, to smile - even at 3am, to constantly let him know that he will be cared for, he will be loved - no matter what. Also, the action necessary to reach out and connect with my husband, my partner to love him and ask him to love me in the ways we need right now. And lastly, the action necessary to love myself: brewing a pot of tea, feeding myself, finding time to shower, asking for a break when my husband comes home so I can reboot - and choosing to hibernate and conserve during this season of transition.
Slowly, moment by moment, I am receiving my son's trust in me and learning to trust myself. Slowly, I am letting myself be changed, letting my selfishness and independence be challenged and shaken up, letting myself fall ever more in love, letting myself breathe, letting myself be a mom, a good mom - even when I doubt my own ability.
January 20, 2009
Water broke!!!!
More like "leaking" - 6am. Blood tinged.
Having contractions like menstrual cramps.
So excited! Our baby is on his way!!!!!
(we have appt with Dr. Honey at 9 - hoping to stay home till then)
Having contractions like menstrual cramps.
So excited! Our baby is on his way!!!!!
(we have appt with Dr. Honey at 9 - hoping to stay home till then)
April 23, 2008
Might as well stock up on the tie-dye now....
"You can arrest me later!" - Not words you would expect to come out of your husband's mouth to a police officer...and yet?
Yesterday, we left early to make our 1pm appt. Which is good, because the two of us together are chronically late and planning to arrive by 12:30 means we might actually make it there by 1pm. Well, all was going well until we hit a major traffic jam at our highway exit. Cars were barely moving and minutes were ticking by. We began to freak out about making it to our appt on time.
So, Mr. Spicy pulled onto the shoulder and began to navigate his way around all the other cars waiting in line. Personally, I felt torn - I HATE when people do this, it's pretty rude and it certainly violates the small "rule follower" inside of me - but on the other hand, we had a very important time-sensitive appointment to attend to. So I kind of crouched down in my seat, trying to avoid the scornful stares of those we were passing by.
Next thing I know, we are being pulled over. Mr. Spicy stops the car and jumps out - running back to the officer's car and yelling something to him about our appointment. I then hear something come out of Mr. Spicy's mouth that filled me with complete panic:
"You can arrest me later! We have an appointment to make."
I then realize that Mr. Spicy's brain is obviously not working properly at this moment, so I get out of the car to try to smooth things over. The officer directs us back to our car, takes Mr. Spicy's pertinent papers and tells us that we were being stupid, we could have caused an accident, etc...etc... All the while I am frantically relating how important it is that we make it there by 1, and that I am about to undergo ANESTHESIA!!!! Don't you understand, sir? ANESTHESIA!!!! Ok, so maybe I am a bit of a drama queen - just a bit.
Thankfully, he took pity on us, gave us one more stern warning and let us go with (I am not kidding here): "Go forth and sin no more."
As we drove away we began laughing hysterically and couldn't stop laughing until we were sitting in the 2nd floor waiting room awaiting our procedures. Literally, I was doubled over in the elevator laughing so hard I could barely breathe! I simply could not believe all of that had just happened! If you know Mr. Spicy, you are well aware how out of character it would be for him to do that. Except, here's the thing. Mr. Spicy can get crazy fierce if someone is interfering with the care of someone he loves. He's someone you want advocating for you if you are ever in a hospital, to be sure. But he is just not typically the high-strung or yelling type. So it just added to the complete bizarreness of the whole situation.
But, we made it. On time. With 5 minutes to spare. Whew!
And, who should be waiting for us in the parking lot but my wonderful and amazing counselor, Sharon, with a big bouquet of flowers for me and a giant hug. She lives close to the center and had come and waited in the parking lot to see us briefly before we went in. I felt badly for making her wait so long since we thought we would have been there 20 minutes prior, but it was soooo good to see her. I am still incredibly humbled and grateful that she reached out to us this way on our big day. She has a truly beautiful heart. Thank you Sharon.
And on that note, I am really humbled by and grateful for all the amazing support I have received over the last several days through emails, comments on my blog, phone calls, and a very sweet e-card. There have been so many moments in this journey that felt so lonely and isolating. But yesterday felt very far from that. Yesterday I felt held, and loved, and cheered on by all the words and blessings and prayers that so many of you gave to me, to us. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Ok - so I won't make you read any further before I give you the news......we got 17 Eggs!!!!!!
Yep! 17!
We haven't gotten the fertilization report in yet because our retrieval was so late in the day (we were literally the last ones there....they were shutting all the lights off as we walked out). The embryologist said we should hear from them by noon or so.....
There was a scare yesterday when the nurse told us they were worried about me hyper-stimulating and they began to go over all the risks of hyper-stimulation with me, talked about the possibility of having to freeze all of the embryos if I was too hyper-stimulated to make it to transfer, and gave me IV meds to pull some of the fluid from my abdomen. I had been feeling pretty good and positive until that point, and then I just got very quiet and anxious. Mr. Spicy, who has become quite the optimist through all of this, just kept telling me, "Everything will be fine. You will be fine." and teased me about needing to be such an over-achiever all the time that I just produced so many follicles that they were a little worried.
And, Mr. Spicy was right. Again. I won't tell you what I owe him for this. But, after a night of eating super-salty foods (mmmmm, french fries... Doritos.... salted nuts....cheeseburger....), drinking my weight in Gatorade, waking up hourly to pee, and losing 5+ pounds between last night and this morning in fluid alone - I went in this morning bright and early for an ultrasound. And the ultrasound showed virtually no fluid in my abdomen. Yay!!! Plus, Carrie - my all time favorite ultrasonographer did the u/s and I got to meet with Amber, my nurse. It was really good to see them after spending most of the day yesterday with so many people I had never met before. Seeing Carrie and Amber feels like getting to see "my team".
So, good news. 17 follicles. No severe hyper-stimulation. And we are planning on a 5 day transfer on Sunday.
One more thing....
yesterday's conversation in the car (prior to the police incident):
Me: My eggs are being harvested on Earth Day, isn't that cool???
Mr. S: Yes, that's really cool.
(repeat x 3)
Me: But you know what???? What's really cool? Our babies are being conceived today! On Earth Day!!!!
Mr. S: Yep.
(repeat x 3)
Me: So, we'll always be able to tell them: "You were conceived on Earth Day". How cool is that?
Mr. S: There's no hope now. We are definitely having hippie babies. Might as well stock up on the tie-dye now.
Yesterday, we left early to make our 1pm appt. Which is good, because the two of us together are chronically late and planning to arrive by 12:30 means we might actually make it there by 1pm. Well, all was going well until we hit a major traffic jam at our highway exit. Cars were barely moving and minutes were ticking by. We began to freak out about making it to our appt on time.
So, Mr. Spicy pulled onto the shoulder and began to navigate his way around all the other cars waiting in line. Personally, I felt torn - I HATE when people do this, it's pretty rude and it certainly violates the small "rule follower" inside of me - but on the other hand, we had a very important time-sensitive appointment to attend to. So I kind of crouched down in my seat, trying to avoid the scornful stares of those we were passing by.
Next thing I know, we are being pulled over. Mr. Spicy stops the car and jumps out - running back to the officer's car and yelling something to him about our appointment. I then hear something come out of Mr. Spicy's mouth that filled me with complete panic:
"You can arrest me later! We have an appointment to make."
I then realize that Mr. Spicy's brain is obviously not working properly at this moment, so I get out of the car to try to smooth things over. The officer directs us back to our car, takes Mr. Spicy's pertinent papers and tells us that we were being stupid, we could have caused an accident, etc...etc... All the while I am frantically relating how important it is that we make it there by 1, and that I am about to undergo ANESTHESIA!!!! Don't you understand, sir? ANESTHESIA!!!! Ok, so maybe I am a bit of a drama queen - just a bit.
Thankfully, he took pity on us, gave us one more stern warning and let us go with (I am not kidding here): "Go forth and sin no more."
As we drove away we began laughing hysterically and couldn't stop laughing until we were sitting in the 2nd floor waiting room awaiting our procedures. Literally, I was doubled over in the elevator laughing so hard I could barely breathe! I simply could not believe all of that had just happened! If you know Mr. Spicy, you are well aware how out of character it would be for him to do that. Except, here's the thing. Mr. Spicy can get crazy fierce if someone is interfering with the care of someone he loves. He's someone you want advocating for you if you are ever in a hospital, to be sure. But he is just not typically the high-strung or yelling type. So it just added to the complete bizarreness of the whole situation.
But, we made it. On time. With 5 minutes to spare. Whew!
And, who should be waiting for us in the parking lot but my wonderful and amazing counselor, Sharon, with a big bouquet of flowers for me and a giant hug. She lives close to the center and had come and waited in the parking lot to see us briefly before we went in. I felt badly for making her wait so long since we thought we would have been there 20 minutes prior, but it was soooo good to see her. I am still incredibly humbled and grateful that she reached out to us this way on our big day. She has a truly beautiful heart. Thank you Sharon.
And on that note, I am really humbled by and grateful for all the amazing support I have received over the last several days through emails, comments on my blog, phone calls, and a very sweet e-card. There have been so many moments in this journey that felt so lonely and isolating. But yesterday felt very far from that. Yesterday I felt held, and loved, and cheered on by all the words and blessings and prayers that so many of you gave to me, to us. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Ok - so I won't make you read any further before I give you the news......we got 17 Eggs!!!!!!
Yep! 17!
We haven't gotten the fertilization report in yet because our retrieval was so late in the day (we were literally the last ones there....they were shutting all the lights off as we walked out). The embryologist said we should hear from them by noon or so.....
There was a scare yesterday when the nurse told us they were worried about me hyper-stimulating and they began to go over all the risks of hyper-stimulation with me, talked about the possibility of having to freeze all of the embryos if I was too hyper-stimulated to make it to transfer, and gave me IV meds to pull some of the fluid from my abdomen. I had been feeling pretty good and positive until that point, and then I just got very quiet and anxious. Mr. Spicy, who has become quite the optimist through all of this, just kept telling me, "Everything will be fine. You will be fine." and teased me about needing to be such an over-achiever all the time that I just produced so many follicles that they were a little worried.
And, Mr. Spicy was right. Again. I won't tell you what I owe him for this. But, after a night of eating super-salty foods (mmmmm, french fries... Doritos.... salted nuts....cheeseburger....), drinking my weight in Gatorade, waking up hourly to pee, and losing 5+ pounds between last night and this morning in fluid alone - I went in this morning bright and early for an ultrasound. And the ultrasound showed virtually no fluid in my abdomen. Yay!!! Plus, Carrie - my all time favorite ultrasonographer did the u/s and I got to meet with Amber, my nurse. It was really good to see them after spending most of the day yesterday with so many people I had never met before. Seeing Carrie and Amber feels like getting to see "my team".
So, good news. 17 follicles. No severe hyper-stimulation. And we are planning on a 5 day transfer on Sunday.
One more thing....
yesterday's conversation in the car (prior to the police incident):
Me: My eggs are being harvested on Earth Day, isn't that cool???
Mr. S: Yes, that's really cool.
(repeat x 3)
Me: But you know what???? What's really cool? Our babies are being conceived today! On Earth Day!!!!
Mr. S: Yep.
(repeat x 3)
Me: So, we'll always be able to tell them: "You were conceived on Earth Day". How cool is that?
Mr. S: There's no hope now. We are definitely having hippie babies. Might as well stock up on the tie-dye now.
April 12, 2008
A Beginning and a Burial.
Well, I started my stims this morning. I was up from 2am till 6am fretting about them. But all went smoothly. Now I will do 3 injections daily: 10u Lupron and 2 vials Menopur each morning, and 300u Gonal-F in the evening. I called them my "fertilizers" this morning and am visualizing them growing up healthy clusters of follicles like plump luscious grapes on a vine. This feels like the last big "beginning" - we are on our way to the retrieval now, officially. I am excited and very nervous at the same time. I have another ultrasound and more bloodwork on Tue to see how these fertilizers are working for me. All I can say is, wow. I still kind of can't believe this is here, this is us, we are really doing this. Wow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Also today, we finally buried Mr. Jones.
Because I left town the night he died, and then Mr. Spicy was out of town, and then we had guests - this was the first weekend we had open to devote to this very important ceremony.
So, Mr. Spicy retrieved his body from the clinic. I picked out a pear tree (pears symbolize separation and immortality in some Asian cultures). I wrote a short ceremony for us to follow. It was appropriately cold and drizzly, as if the whole world was being quiet and sad with us, for us.
We poured water over his body to release him fully from this world and release him from any suffering or pain he experienced while he was here. We poured oils of grape seed, myrrh, cassia, and cinnamon over his body to anoint him with our love and honor his spirit and his connection to God. We wrapped his body in white cloth, the cloth that made the aisle at our wedding. We poured rose petals into his grave and laid him to rest upon them. Then, we each read our eulogies and we prayed, and cried, and said "Thank you" and "Good-bye".
Finally, really, good-bye.
I lit a candle.
We covered him with dirt and then planted the pear tree above his grave.
He is really gone.
I don't know how to feel. I feel really sad and I feel an emptiness. But I also feel peace. And I feel really good about finally letting him go, letting his body return to the earth. It seems appropriate to say good-bye to him today, to honor his life, on this day - the day when we begin the stage of IVF that most closely resembles Spring, growth, new life - the stage of taking of medications to cause my little seeds to grow and grow and grow inside of me, into what we hope will become our future child(ren). Throughout this entire process, loss and death have been so very closely tied to hope and new life, and beginnings. He died on the day that I began bleeding, began the entire process. His passing is entwined with every stage of this cycle. He is still reminding me, every day, every step of the way...to pay attention.
Pay attention. Right now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Also today, we finally buried Mr. Jones.
Because I left town the night he died, and then Mr. Spicy was out of town, and then we had guests - this was the first weekend we had open to devote to this very important ceremony.
So, Mr. Spicy retrieved his body from the clinic. I picked out a pear tree (pears symbolize separation and immortality in some Asian cultures). I wrote a short ceremony for us to follow. It was appropriately cold and drizzly, as if the whole world was being quiet and sad with us, for us.
We poured water over his body to release him fully from this world and release him from any suffering or pain he experienced while he was here. We poured oils of grape seed, myrrh, cassia, and cinnamon over his body to anoint him with our love and honor his spirit and his connection to God. We wrapped his body in white cloth, the cloth that made the aisle at our wedding. We poured rose petals into his grave and laid him to rest upon them. Then, we each read our eulogies and we prayed, and cried, and said "Thank you" and "Good-bye".
Finally, really, good-bye.
I lit a candle.
We covered him with dirt and then planted the pear tree above his grave.
He is really gone.
I don't know how to feel. I feel really sad and I feel an emptiness. But I also feel peace. And I feel really good about finally letting him go, letting his body return to the earth. It seems appropriate to say good-bye to him today, to honor his life, on this day - the day when we begin the stage of IVF that most closely resembles Spring, growth, new life - the stage of taking of medications to cause my little seeds to grow and grow and grow inside of me, into what we hope will become our future child(ren). Throughout this entire process, loss and death have been so very closely tied to hope and new life, and beginnings. He died on the day that I began bleeding, began the entire process. His passing is entwined with every stage of this cycle. He is still reminding me, every day, every step of the way...to pay attention.
Pay attention. Right now.
April 10, 2008
Snow and Fire
It is snowing today. But it is supposed to be in the 60s this weekend. That's Denver for you. I am kind of thankful for the snow, gives me an excuse to hole up at home and it also helps me not feel like a slacker for not getting any planting done yet. The warm weather over the last few weeks had been making me feel a bit behind the ball as far as Spring planting goes. The snow makes me feel like I still have some time to get it all started.
Had my suppression check today: ultrasound and bloodwork. The ultrasound showed no cysts! I was really worried about that since I had a couple cysts back when we were doing IUIs. But all looked clear. And just to be sure, I chased the ultrasonographer down the hall after she placed me in a room to wait for my blood draw, and I asked her if she was "really really sure there were no cysts.....because you know, it was hard to see my ovaries with that part of my bowel in the way, and I did see some follicles - were those just antrals?" And she assured me that everything was fine, there was NO cyst - she would not have missed it, and the antral follicles were a GOOD sign. And then she wrote something in my chart - probably something like, "Difficult", or "High Maintenance", or "Crazy Bitch". I got the call this afternoon that my Estrogen was 47 (they want it under 50 to start stims) and my Progesterone was <.2 (they want it under 1 to start stims). So we are good to go!!! Stims start on Saturday!
But, if my Estrogen and Progesterone are so low - why am I acting like a total psycho? Ok, not a TOTAL psycho - it could definitely, definitely be worse. But, if my hormones are so low - why did I accuse my husband of deliberately choosing to brush his teeth last night while I was looking for my phone so that he could deliberately choose not to hear my cries from downstairs to help me look for it? I thought it was Estrogen that made me act that way? Is it just me? If so, please don't tell Mr. Spicy - the hormones excuse is the only reason he hasn't moved into the office, yet.
Ok - so I am half joking. Although the accusation I just described did in fact occur last night - for the most part I am doing much much better than I expected. I have these rages and they come and go - and that sucks. And I have been feeling off balance and that is hard, especially when I am trying so hard to stay grounded in all of this. But I know all of this could be so much worse. And frankly? Even if it were? I am not complaining. Not really complaining, anyway. Because I would go through so much more (this is not an invitation) - I would walk through fire - to become a mother, to have our baby.
And I know so many of you reading this would do the same.
Here's to walking through the fire....
Had my suppression check today: ultrasound and bloodwork. The ultrasound showed no cysts! I was really worried about that since I had a couple cysts back when we were doing IUIs. But all looked clear. And just to be sure, I chased the ultrasonographer down the hall after she placed me in a room to wait for my blood draw, and I asked her if she was "really really sure there were no cysts.....because you know, it was hard to see my ovaries with that part of my bowel in the way, and I did see some follicles - were those just antrals?" And she assured me that everything was fine, there was NO cyst - she would not have missed it, and the antral follicles were a GOOD sign. And then she wrote something in my chart - probably something like, "Difficult", or "High Maintenance", or "Crazy Bitch". I got the call this afternoon that my Estrogen was 47 (they want it under 50 to start stims) and my Progesterone was <.2 (they want it under 1 to start stims). So we are good to go!!! Stims start on Saturday!
But, if my Estrogen and Progesterone are so low - why am I acting like a total psycho? Ok, not a TOTAL psycho - it could definitely, definitely be worse. But, if my hormones are so low - why did I accuse my husband of deliberately choosing to brush his teeth last night while I was looking for my phone so that he could deliberately choose not to hear my cries from downstairs to help me look for it? I thought it was Estrogen that made me act that way? Is it just me? If so, please don't tell Mr. Spicy - the hormones excuse is the only reason he hasn't moved into the office, yet.
Ok - so I am half joking. Although the accusation I just described did in fact occur last night - for the most part I am doing much much better than I expected. I have these rages and they come and go - and that sucks. And I have been feeling off balance and that is hard, especially when I am trying so hard to stay grounded in all of this. But I know all of this could be so much worse. And frankly? Even if it were? I am not complaining. Not really complaining, anyway. Because I would go through so much more (this is not an invitation) - I would walk through fire - to become a mother, to have our baby.
And I know so many of you reading this would do the same.
Here's to walking through the fire....
April 07, 2008
Brides, Birth Control Pills, Basket Stitch, and Butterflies
And...I'm back.
Mr. Spicy's sister and her boyfriend came to stay with us last Thu and just left yesterday. It was probably one of our best visits with her. We had a great time. We all went to a mutual friend's wedding on Friday (Congratulations Mrs. and Mr. Banana!) - I did the makeup for the bride which was more than a little intimidating, but no one made any clown jokes so I think it turned out OK. On Saturday we toured the area around Pikes Peak. We saw 7 Falls and Garden of the Gods, and ate an amazing meal in Manitou Springs. In fact, we ate quite a few great meals while they were here. I used their visit as an excuse to break two of my main dietary rules (no sugar and no dairy) and boy did I break them! I mean, if you are going to cheat, cheat big right??? We had Thai, Mexican, Italian, and most importantly my own homemade gluten-free banana cream pie. (Which elicited all sorts of inappropriate "pie" references - because we are all 12 years old) Mr. Spicy and I finished off the pie in bed last night (I convinced him that I needed to finish it before the week started so I could get back on my wagon on Monday) and it was delish! (If I do say so myself)
I did a lot of knitting this weekend too. I had part 2 of my Knitting 101 class on Sunday and I wanted to have a lot done on my sample swatch. Because, as Mr. Spicy is quick to point out, I must be the valedictorian of everything (unabashedly borrowing the term from Dooce) - literally - I was trying every stitch and stitch combination my little beginner brain could come up with: Garter, Stockinette, Rib, Seed, Basket... hmmm....those sound like terms related to fancy undergarments....where is my mind today? I was wanting to explore and challenge myself but also secretly hoping I would come to class and the teacher would marvel at my natural skill and pronounce me to be a knitting prodigy. The light would pour down upon me and she would realize that I was the chosen one, the one to which she should pass on her master skills , and also her pattern for the fancy lace shawl. Instead, however, I was 10 minutes late to class. And while the amount of knitting I had done did seem to impress them - there was no light, and no choir singing in the background. Which is just fine of course. I did start an actual project: a small little button-closure coin purse of sorts. I am doing it in this gorgeous pink yarn. I will try to post pics when it's finished. I am already planning projects (all for friends and family) after this one. I actually really enjoy knitting. The ability to just sit and be quiet and sort of zone-out, relax, and focus on something small and specific, letting go of everything else for a bit - while at the same time creating something beautiful - it's really quite amazing. I love just about anything where I can tap into my desire to create. And I can knit anywhere. I even find myself trying to arrive at appointments early so I can get a little knitting done. If knitting can reform my chronic lateness - that in and of itself will have almost been worth it! But getting to make beautiful things for people I love while doing something that helps me to stay calm and gives me some peace - that is really the ultimate payoff.
Took my last birth control pill on Saturday. Which meant I got to take them out of my purse finally and stop worrying that if someone saw them they might wonder why someone who is trying to get pregnant is taking the pill. I kept imagining someone seeing them and thinking maybe I was secretly sabotaging my efforts to get pregnant. Um, yeah. I think I have watched too many soap operas or Lifetime movies. But stopping the pill means I should get my period today or tomorrow....probably tomorrow. I am so anxious for this period! Once it comes - things really start kicking in to high gear....I will have an ultrasound and bloodwork to determine if I am adequately suppressed (no cysts, no dominant follicles, etc..) - and then the stims start. And the race begins....hopefully lots of strong little follicles will begin growing all together, like a pack of horses in a horse race. We want lots of strong horses, but no Sea Biscuit - no surprise horse that pulls way ahead of the others and ruins the race for everyone. This race will prove to be quite the nail biter, I am sure.
So far I have only had one or two more hot flashes on the Lupron, nothing too crazy. But my moods? Whooo boy! For the first part of the week I was manic - hyper, bouncing off the walls, saying whatever popped into my head - manic. But this weekend, the other side kicked in and I felt furious at Mr. Spicy about anything and everything. I sometimes could identify that I was over-reacting - but I simply could not help it. I was literally praying yesterday to remember that I loved him. Because in the moment? I felt completely justified in wanting to punch him in the face because he was trying to kiss me good-bye and I wanted him to WAIT 5 MINUTES. Yep. Also - that crazy-making anxiety and self-loathing began to kick in again this weekend. At the very slightest hint of criticism or of being told I might have done something wrong, or just not being rained upon with flowers and doves - I would decide I was worthless, horrible, terrible, broken, and bad - and as much as my logical mind would refute this...it would take many many hours to snap out of it.
The hard part of all of this is that when I feel these things they don't feel hormonally-induced. They feel like me. Like me, only crazy. So then I think - maybe it is just me. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I just need to fix it or figure it out. And then I get so frustrated because I can't fix it and I can't figure it out and blaming it all on the hormones feels like a cop out. Because it doesn't feel like something foreign. It feels like me, only much much worse. But maybe that's what the hormones do? They don't make us into someone we are not - they just fan the flame of a part of us we normally are able to reign-in a little better, or keep better control over? Maybe hormones just let all the doors wide open - and all our little monsters can come out to play? That's a cheerful thought, isn't it?
My counselor had advised me (wisely so) to make a list several weeks ago (before the hormones kicked in) of what is really true about me. This way, when the monsters came out to play, I could look at this list and have something concrete to remind me that I am not just the monsters, even though it may feel that way right now. I am also the butterflies.
I really really wish I hadn't procrastinated. I really really wish that I had tried to be the valedictorian then. Having a long list of what's really true about me would be really helpful right now. Because, as hard as I have worked to really ground myself, to find myself, to pay attention, and to be fully myself at the beginning of all of this - right now I am feeling a little off balance and a bit worried I might not find my way back.
It's not unbearable - it's just that if I am going to come through this the way I would like to - well, then, the monsters simply can't be all there is.
I am going to need some butterflies too.
Mr. Spicy's sister and her boyfriend came to stay with us last Thu and just left yesterday. It was probably one of our best visits with her. We had a great time. We all went to a mutual friend's wedding on Friday (Congratulations Mrs. and Mr. Banana!) - I did the makeup for the bride which was more than a little intimidating, but no one made any clown jokes so I think it turned out OK. On Saturday we toured the area around Pikes Peak. We saw 7 Falls and Garden of the Gods, and ate an amazing meal in Manitou Springs. In fact, we ate quite a few great meals while they were here. I used their visit as an excuse to break two of my main dietary rules (no sugar and no dairy) and boy did I break them! I mean, if you are going to cheat, cheat big right??? We had Thai, Mexican, Italian, and most importantly my own homemade gluten-free banana cream pie. (Which elicited all sorts of inappropriate "pie" references - because we are all 12 years old) Mr. Spicy and I finished off the pie in bed last night (I convinced him that I needed to finish it before the week started so I could get back on my wagon on Monday) and it was delish! (If I do say so myself)
I did a lot of knitting this weekend too. I had part 2 of my Knitting 101 class on Sunday and I wanted to have a lot done on my sample swatch. Because, as Mr. Spicy is quick to point out, I must be the valedictorian of everything (unabashedly borrowing the term from Dooce) - literally - I was trying every stitch and stitch combination my little beginner brain could come up with: Garter, Stockinette, Rib, Seed, Basket... hmmm....those sound like terms related to fancy undergarments....where is my mind today? I was wanting to explore and challenge myself but also secretly hoping I would come to class and the teacher would marvel at my natural skill and pronounce me to be a knitting prodigy. The light would pour down upon me and she would realize that I was the chosen one, the one to which she should pass on her master skills , and also her pattern for the fancy lace shawl. Instead, however, I was 10 minutes late to class. And while the amount of knitting I had done did seem to impress them - there was no light, and no choir singing in the background. Which is just fine of course. I did start an actual project: a small little button-closure coin purse of sorts. I am doing it in this gorgeous pink yarn. I will try to post pics when it's finished. I am already planning projects (all for friends and family) after this one. I actually really enjoy knitting. The ability to just sit and be quiet and sort of zone-out, relax, and focus on something small and specific, letting go of everything else for a bit - while at the same time creating something beautiful - it's really quite amazing. I love just about anything where I can tap into my desire to create. And I can knit anywhere. I even find myself trying to arrive at appointments early so I can get a little knitting done. If knitting can reform my chronic lateness - that in and of itself will have almost been worth it! But getting to make beautiful things for people I love while doing something that helps me to stay calm and gives me some peace - that is really the ultimate payoff.
Took my last birth control pill on Saturday. Which meant I got to take them out of my purse finally and stop worrying that if someone saw them they might wonder why someone who is trying to get pregnant is taking the pill. I kept imagining someone seeing them and thinking maybe I was secretly sabotaging my efforts to get pregnant. Um, yeah. I think I have watched too many soap operas or Lifetime movies. But stopping the pill means I should get my period today or tomorrow....probably tomorrow. I am so anxious for this period! Once it comes - things really start kicking in to high gear....I will have an ultrasound and bloodwork to determine if I am adequately suppressed (no cysts, no dominant follicles, etc..) - and then the stims start. And the race begins....hopefully lots of strong little follicles will begin growing all together, like a pack of horses in a horse race. We want lots of strong horses, but no Sea Biscuit - no surprise horse that pulls way ahead of the others and ruins the race for everyone. This race will prove to be quite the nail biter, I am sure.
So far I have only had one or two more hot flashes on the Lupron, nothing too crazy. But my moods? Whooo boy! For the first part of the week I was manic - hyper, bouncing off the walls, saying whatever popped into my head - manic. But this weekend, the other side kicked in and I felt furious at Mr. Spicy about anything and everything. I sometimes could identify that I was over-reacting - but I simply could not help it. I was literally praying yesterday to remember that I loved him. Because in the moment? I felt completely justified in wanting to punch him in the face because he was trying to kiss me good-bye and I wanted him to WAIT 5 MINUTES. Yep. Also - that crazy-making anxiety and self-loathing began to kick in again this weekend. At the very slightest hint of criticism or of being told I might have done something wrong, or just not being rained upon with flowers and doves - I would decide I was worthless, horrible, terrible, broken, and bad - and as much as my logical mind would refute this...it would take many many hours to snap out of it.
The hard part of all of this is that when I feel these things they don't feel hormonally-induced. They feel like me. Like me, only crazy. So then I think - maybe it is just me. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I just need to fix it or figure it out. And then I get so frustrated because I can't fix it and I can't figure it out and blaming it all on the hormones feels like a cop out. Because it doesn't feel like something foreign. It feels like me, only much much worse. But maybe that's what the hormones do? They don't make us into someone we are not - they just fan the flame of a part of us we normally are able to reign-in a little better, or keep better control over? Maybe hormones just let all the doors wide open - and all our little monsters can come out to play? That's a cheerful thought, isn't it?
My counselor had advised me (wisely so) to make a list several weeks ago (before the hormones kicked in) of what is really true about me. This way, when the monsters came out to play, I could look at this list and have something concrete to remind me that I am not just the monsters, even though it may feel that way right now. I am also the butterflies.
I really really wish I hadn't procrastinated. I really really wish that I had tried to be the valedictorian then. Having a long list of what's really true about me would be really helpful right now. Because, as hard as I have worked to really ground myself, to find myself, to pay attention, and to be fully myself at the beginning of all of this - right now I am feeling a little off balance and a bit worried I might not find my way back.
It's not unbearable - it's just that if I am going to come through this the way I would like to - well, then, the monsters simply can't be all there is.
I am going to need some butterflies too.
April 01, 2008
And the madness begins....
This morning I gave myself my first Lupron injection. It was pretty easy. I had a moment of panic before plunging the needle into my tummy - but then realized no one else was there to do it for me (Mr. Spicy was on an airplane at the time, on his way home from a week long business trip) and so I did it. And it was honestly so NOT a big deal that I then began to panic and wonder if I had done it correctly, given myself enough, etc. etc. Because the first injection of my IVF cycle just could not go that smoothly. Eh, I guess I was wrong.My counselor today asked how I would commemorate my first day of injectable hormones - really the "start" of it all. It was hard to answer that because I feel like I have been in the beginning of the beginning since I had my period and 2 days later started BCPs. For me, that was really the start of it all. And I have been doing small things to commemorate that and acknowledge that ever since. But, this is the start of the next big step. And it is important.
So - I left my counselors office today and driving away I realized I was in the same 'hood as the big main office for CCRM - the palace of baby making if you will - where we will end up for any weekend ultrasounds and ultimately for the retrieval and transfer - the place where I will officially be "knocked up" and where our child(ren) will be conceived. Wow. So. I decided to go explore and find it. I drove around a bit and found it without too much trouble. I thought I would just take a peak inside, you know kind of say hello to the place. Well, walking in, I ran into a nurse wheeling a woman out in a wheelchair who looked dazed and weepy. The nurse helped the woman into the car that her husband (I assume?) had pulled up to the door for her and wished them luck. I wondered whether she had just had a retrieval or a transfer. I felt like I had peeked in on a private and sacred moment for the woman. I silently wished her luck as well. When I stepped in the doors, it didn't look at all like what I imagined. It was just the lobby - there were elevators, a welcome desk and a lot of cushy chairs. It was beautiful - and empty - so it was pretty obvious that I had just come in, windblown and all. I felt weird so I surveyed the room and quickly turned and left. I wondered if anyone had noticed - what they thought of some disheveled woman running in, hair a mess, only to look around and run out. I laughed when I got in the car, making up funny stories of who I could be - like a stalker of infertility clinics or something.
SO - that is what I did to commemorate this next big step - I stalked my fertility clinic. Yep. That's me. But you know? It did feel cool to actually see the building, to know that in a few short weeks I will be the woman in the wheel chair - I will be gingerly climbing into the car that Mr. Spicy has pulled up to the door. I will be riding home full of hope, anticipation, and a couple little passengers along for the ride.
I kind of can't wait.
March 28, 2008
My "stash", my calendar, and IVF 101
As promised....here is a picture of my meds stash. Behold the awesomeness. Well, awesome - I don't know. But these are my many little friends who are accompanying me on the road to babyville. And I guess my Dr. thought I might be lonely because there sure are a LOT of them.I arranged them from bottom to top in the order in which they will be
I want to make a special note of the box of Menopur that is lying on top of the other boxes of Menopur. This is a very special box of ridiculously expensive hormones. This box was donated to me by a perfect stranger. She found out I was needing meds and she stepped up, saving me somewhere around $300. The day I received her package in the mail, it felt like the best care package in the world. Because I have been having quite the shitty time of it lately (as you might have read) and here this stranger has reached out to me in this really surprising way. So now, I am calling it my lucky box of Menopur. I just have to decide whether I should start with it, or finish with it? Either way, when I open that box I will surely smile. Thank you Menopur fairy - you know who you are.
Also, I was inspired by another friend's post and decided to post my "IVF calendar". For those of you completely new to this whole process I will post some kind of
Day 1: March 19 - started my period
Day 3: March 21 - started Birth Control Pills
Day 14: April 1 - start Lupron and Dexamethasone (continue up till embryo retrieval), and take one cytotec (vaginally) in the evening to open my cervix for the laminaria placement the next day.
Day 15: April 2 - Laminaria placement (seaweed stick in my cervix to open it for embryo transfer in a few weeks - so the embryos aren't squished)
Day 16: April 3 - remove Laminaria.
Day 18: April 5 - take last birth control pill.
Day21: April 8 - expect period. again.
Day 23: April 10 - Blood work and ultrasound.
Day 25: April 12 - Start stims: 2 ampules of Menopur in the morning and 300u of Gonal F in the evening.
Day 28: April 15 - Blood work and ultrasound. (Mr. Spicy gives "back-up sample" this week) - adjust meds according to results.
Day 30: April 17 - Blood work and ultrasound. Adjust meds according to results.
Day 31: April 18 - Blood work and ultrasound. Adjust meds according to results.
Day 32: April 19 - Blood work and ultrasound. Adjust meds according to results. (get pre-retrieval physical some time this week)
Day 31: April 20 - Blood work and ultrasound. Adjust meds according to results.
Day 32: April 21 - Blood work and ultrasound. Adjust meds according to results. Tentative trigger shot (with Novarel)?
Day 36: April 23 - Tentative embryo retrieval (under anesthesia). Tentative start of Medrol and Tetracycline.
Day 39 or 41: April 26 or 28 - tentative embryo transfer. Also start estrogen patches (Vivelle) and Progesterone in Oil injections (PIO).
Day 50: May 7 - Tentative first Beta hCG test for pregnancy.
From start to finish, just over 6 weeks....I am hoping hard that all goes as planned!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For those not immersed in the world of IVF and infertility - here are the basics:
- The birth control pills kind of "shut everything down" so to speak, giving us a "clean slate to work with. They also help prevent cysts from forming on my ovaries.
-The Lupron will prevent my body from ovulating on its own during the cycle and will help prevent just 1 dominant follicle from taking over (as happens in a normal un-medicated cycle), allowing more follicles to form and mature all at once. It is injected through a small needle into my stomach.
-The Dexamethasone, taken orally, will help manage hormone levels during the cycle - this is supposed to help with egg quality.
- I need a laminaria because I have a very tight cervix. They put it in for 24 hours, 3 weeks prior to retrieval, to help the cervix to open up a bit so that when the ebryos are transfered back into the uterus through a catheter they don't get squished. (squished embryos = bad)
- The Menopur and Gonal-F will stimulate my ovaries to produce many eggs. They are injected through small needles into my stomach.
-The bloodwork and ultrasounds will be to determine how many follicles I have, how quickly they are growing, whether they are mature, how my uterine lining looks for implantation, in addition to general monitoring of hormone levels etc. - these results will determine what dosages of meds I am taking and when the retrieval will be scheduled.
- When I have several mature follicles and my hormones are at the right levels - they will schedule the embryo retrieval. Exactly 35 hours before the retrieval Mr. Spicy will give me an injection of hCG in my buttock. This injection should cause the eggs to "fully ripen" and become ready for retrieval. (I just typed "buttock", heh heh)
- The day of retrieval I will go under anesthesia and Mr. Spicy will give a sample (more fun with cups - yay!). During the procedure, an ultrasound guided needle will go through my vaginal wall and into my ovary where it will proceed to pull up the fluid in each big follicle - hopefully resulting in several healthy eggs. Obviously, this is repeated on the other ovary as well.
- After pulling out the eggs and looking at them, the embryologist will take half of them and mix them with some of Mr. Spicy's swimmers. They are
- We will get a fertilization report telling us how many were successful. The average is about 50-70% (I think).
-For the next several days, all the little embryos will live in little dishes of specially prepared nutritious fluid (medium) - like little swimming pools full of chocolate pudding (if chocolate pudding were good for you and helped you grow).
-Then, depending on how many embryos we have and how healthy they look, the transfer will be scheduled. Basically, if we have many embryos and they are healthy and thriving 2-3 days post retrieval, they will let them grow another couple of days (in the chocolate pudding) until they reach the blastocyst phase. At this stage they are thought to be more successful in implanting into the uterus. But, if there are only a few embryos, or they are not looking too happy (not everyone likes chocolate pudding) - they will schedule a transfer 3 days post-retrieval as the embryos are much more likely to do better within the womb and there is a risk of losing embryos the longer they are left in the "chocolate pudding swimming pool".
- the embryos (we will only transfer 2) are transfered back into the uterus through a small catheter, guided by ultrasound. Then I will lie there for an hour. Then I will go home home and lie in bed for 24-48 hours watching movies and bad TV and willing those little embryos to stick, with every bone in my body.
- Any left over embryos will undergo cryopreservation - a fancy name for being very quickly frozen, for use at a later date (hopefully for future siblings).
- I will use estrogen patches and injections of progesterone during this time to help encourage pregnancy and to help the lining of my uterus be a nice welcoming place for the embryos. I mean, I will be competing with their memory of the chocolate pudding pools - I'd better have some prime uterus cushiness to offer them!
- And 2 weeks from the date of the embryo retrieval I will go in for a blood test to determine if we were successful.
Whew!
If just writing it all out is overwhelming, what am I in for when this all really gets rolling? Jeesh!
(I am scared - but also? I can't wait! We could be pregnant in 40 days!)
March 26, 2008
Grieving and Anticipating...
Sigh.
I have deliberately avoided blogging for the last week. I felt as though I needed to just leave this space here, for Mr. Jones, for me. I am finding myself heartbroken in little ways all throughout my day. I miss him terribly and yet can't shake the feeling he is always here. I keep looking for him, thinking I will walk into my room and find him curled up in our pillows. And then I remember.
I saw my counselor today. I had avoided all out crying for the most part since last week - until I saw her. Something about her presence has a way of undoing me at times. We talked about Mr. Jones and the lessons he gave me while he was here - which were always generally somewhere along the lines of "Pay attention - Right now" She suggested that maybe even in the timing of his passing he might still be trying to remind me to "pay attention" to something very important right now. So I am, I am paying attention - to this crazy and full time. Full of loss, full of anticipation, full of "to do"'s and "not yet"s... I am paying attention to how delicate and sacred this time feels, how fragile my heart is right now in the midst of it all - how my heart needs the space right now, and the permission, to both grieve very deeply and to anticipate fully. Because there is much on the way. I am paying attention to myself like I imagine a mother might pay attention to her wounded child. I am giving myself permission to feel very sorry for all that I am having to carry right now, all at the same time.
And I am listening to myself - to that small little voice inside, when she says she needs something.
Yesterday, she needed roses. And so, I found a deal on roses and bought myself 3 dozen roses. I am not usually drawn to roses but yesterday? Only roses would do. Bright, spring colored roses. Everywhere. Next to my bed. On the mantle. On the table. By the door.
I woke up this morning with roses on either side of my bed. I felt loved. And I smiled.
I may buy roses through this entire next month. There is just something about them.
I received my box of meds yesterday, as well (excuse me? I ordered the LARGE?) - I plan to post some pics of those tomorrow as the sheer volume of medications that are about to enter my body in the next 4-6 weeks is truly something to behold. But, in the spirit of true anticipation and my desperate need to be the honor roll IVF student - I bought a wall calendar! A giant wall calendar! To write all my meds on! In color coded permanent marker! (I swear I was an elementary teacher in a past life) Though, as excited as a trip to Off.ice De.pot, with money in my pocket to burn, would usually make me - I did have a near nervous breakdown. twice. The first time was because I suddenly panicked about all the money we are spending and, you know, how I don't have job right now? The second time was when the cashier almost refused to give me my FREE bonus package of photo paper with my purchase of a twin pack of printer cartridges. I literally almost started crying. Really. Because, you know - that photo paper costs money and shit! And she was being like, totally unfair. But I got my damn photo paper - and avoided a trip to the psych ward. again.
*and yes, I did glue those words to my calendar - I actually plan on adding a lot more, images and words - a collage really. all over my calendar. subliminal messages and such. *
Also yesterday, and don't worry I won't post a photo of this, I found a large gaping hole on my oldest dog's back. Apparently she had a little scuffle while I was out of town and Mr. Spicy had missed the wound when he checked her. I went into full-on protective momma meets ex-vet tech mode. Wanting to avoid the vet (just not ready to go back yet) - I hit the store and loaded up on supplies. Some predictable ones: betadine, triple antibiotic ointment, cotton balls. Some not so predictable ones: A book on Homeopathic pet care, a homeopathic remedy for trauma and injuries, herbal healing salve, tea tree oil, vitamin C, and cod liver oil. (and this is why I am the spicy sister) I am dangerous in a natural foods store - watch out! But, my regimen is working really well. In about 24 hours the wound has healed up about 50% and shows no signs of infection. It is giving my over-active nurturing side something to focus on, and she seems to enjoy the extra attention she is getting. Win win.
Speaking of being out of town - I left last Wednesday night to go see my grandmother. I took the overnight train. Which I really don't mind at all, in fact I kind of enjoy the solitary time with my I.pod and my thoughts. It was a hard trip, as we had just said good-bye to Mr. Jones that same day. But the time alone was really good. Once there, I stayed with my very hip 21 year old cousin and her boyfriend - who taught me to knit. Yes, her boyfriend taught me to knit. He's just that cool. I have wanted to learn for a long time, and it was a great creative outlet to focus on - especially on the train ride home. And the two of them? Truly adorable.
It was really good seeing my family. I was pretty sad and out of it most of the trip. But it was ok, because everyone there is dealing with their own stuff as well - so I didn't have to hide it, but I wasn't asked to talk about it either, which was perfect. And seeing my grandmother was really really good. I am so glad I went to visit her. She made us laugh - she told raunchy stories about her apparently "wild" past and she was tender and vulnerable at times in ways I have never seen her. At one point she hugged me in this way that a child hugs you, just collapsing into your arms - and my heart just broke for her. It is so hard for her right now. She is aware that she isn't her "normal" self - she knows she has had a stroke and it is affecting her. She gets frustrated when she can't think of or say the right words, you can tell she knows in her mind what they are, but they just aren't coming out. She is deeply resentful of the restrictions placed upon her in her current facility - no smoking, no TV in her room, no cell phone, no going outside. She is a fierce and independent woman who has had to give up most of what brings her joy - being told "no" so many times each day must be absolutely infuriating. Thankfully, my aunt who lives there is a powerful and compassionate advocate for her. She is working very hard to get her moved to a better place with more freedom and more of what she is used to. Especially, (as she is quick to remind us) the ability to smoke again.
She was doing really well the days I was there, and I am so grateful for that time with her. I was always visiting her with an entourage of other family members (my gramma is like the rock-star of the place) - children included, and it was really amazing to watch her interact with all of us. Especially the kids. She just adored them and loved on them completely. She even shared her chocolate brownie ice cream with them - now that is love.
And I loved seeing the kids too - my youngest cousin who is 9, my niece (and goddaughter) who is 8, and my nephew who is 3. There is just nothing that makes me smile and touches my heart more than these kiddos. They just continually amaze me. I could fill a whole separate entry up just with stories about how incredibly awesome all three of them are. Maybe I will some day.
Actually, there are so many stories I want to share here about my time with my family - but in the interest of length, suffice it to say that I have a really crazy and wonderful family and I am really grateful for every one of them. I am glad I belong to them.
Soooo - last but not least, also last Wednesday, I started my period. Or rather it started on its own, I don't think I had anything to do with it starting - at least not willfully. Which means two things. First - as Mr. Spicy sadly pointed out - we are all through with our chances to get pregnant on our own, that was our last chance. From here on out it is "go time". Second - as I just mentioned - it is "go" time. I started my BCPs (birth control pills) on Friday night. I will be on those for 16 days. I start Lupron on Tuesday, and I have my Laminaria placement on Wednesday. It is about to get really real here, very soon. We are really gonna do this. I could be pregnant by this time next month. Wow.
My counselor and I talked today about how the grieving I am doing, the loss I am experiencing - it is carving out a place in me, opening me up. Both of us were actually afraid to even say that we hope that the space that is being carved out, is for something very very good to come. Like, oh I don't know....a baby?
All I can say for sure is that the space is being carved. I am being opened up. And it hurts.
But I hope, oh I hope - that it will soon be filled with someone really really good.
I have deliberately avoided blogging for the last week. I felt as though I needed to just leave this space here, for Mr. Jones, for me. I am finding myself heartbroken in little ways all throughout my day. I miss him terribly and yet can't shake the feeling he is always here. I keep looking for him, thinking I will walk into my room and find him curled up in our pillows. And then I remember.
I saw my counselor today. I had avoided all out crying for the most part since last week - until I saw her. Something about her presence has a way of undoing me at times. We talked about Mr. Jones and the lessons he gave me while he was here - which were always generally somewhere along the lines of "Pay attention - Right now" She suggested that maybe even in the timing of his passing he might still be trying to remind me to "pay attention" to something very important right now. So I am, I am paying attention - to this crazy and full time. Full of loss, full of anticipation, full of "to do"'s and "not yet"s... I am paying attention to how delicate and sacred this time feels, how fragile my heart is right now in the midst of it all - how my heart needs the space right now, and the permission, to both grieve very deeply and to anticipate fully. Because there is much on the way. I am paying attention to myself like I imagine a mother might pay attention to her wounded child. I am giving myself permission to feel very sorry for all that I am having to carry right now, all at the same time.
And I am listening to myself - to that small little voice inside, when she says she needs something.Yesterday, she needed roses. And so, I found a deal on roses and bought myself 3 dozen roses. I am not usually drawn to roses but yesterday? Only roses would do. Bright, spring colored roses. Everywhere. Next to my bed. On the mantle. On the table. By the door.
I woke up this morning with roses on either side of my bed. I felt loved. And I smiled.
I may buy roses through this entire next month. There is just something about them.
I received my box of meds yesterday, as well (excuse me? I ordered the LARGE?) - I plan to post some pics of those tomorrow as the sheer volume of medications that are about to enter my body in the next 4-6 weeks is truly something to behold. But, in the spirit of true anticipation and my desperate need to be the honor roll IVF student - I bought a wall calendar! A giant wall calendar! To write all my meds on! In color coded permanent marker! (I swear I was an elementary teacher in a past life) Though, as excited as a trip to Off.ice De.pot, with money in my pocket to burn, would usually make me - I did have a near nervous breakdown. twice. The first time was because I suddenly panicked about all the money we are spending and, you know, how I don't have job right now? The second time was when the cashier almost refused to give me my FREE bonus package of photo paper with my purchase of a twin pack of printer cartridges. I literally almost started crying. Really. Because, you know - that photo paper costs money and shit! And she was being like, totally unfair. But I got my damn photo paper - and avoided a trip to the psych ward. again.*and yes, I did glue those words to my calendar - I actually plan on adding a lot more, images and words - a collage really. all over my calendar. subliminal messages and such. *
Also yesterday, and don't worry I won't post a photo of this, I found a large gaping hole on my oldest dog's back. Apparently she had a little scuffle while I was out of town and Mr. Spicy had missed the wound when he checked her. I went into full-on protective momma meets ex-vet tech mode. Wanting to avoid the vet (just not ready to go back yet) - I hit the store and loaded up on supplies. Some predictable ones: betadine, triple antibiotic ointment, cotton balls. Some not so predictable ones: A book on Homeopathic pet care, a homeopathic remedy for trauma and injuries, herbal healing salve, tea tree oil, vitamin C, and cod liver oil. (and this is why I am the spicy sister) I am dangerous in a natural foods store - watch out! But, my regimen is working really well. In about 24 hours the wound has healed up about 50% and shows no signs of infection. It is giving my over-active nurturing side something to focus on, and she seems to enjoy the extra attention she is getting. Win win.
Speaking of being out of town - I left last Wednesday night to go see my grandmother. I took the overnight train. Which I really don't mind at all, in fact I kind of enjoy the solitary time with my I.pod and my thoughts. It was a hard trip, as we had just said good-bye to Mr. Jones that same day. But the time alone was really good. Once there, I stayed with my very hip 21 year old cousin and her boyfriend - who taught me to knit. Yes, her boyfriend taught me to knit. He's just that cool. I have wanted to learn for a long time, and it was a great creative outlet to focus on - especially on the train ride home. And the two of them? Truly adorable.It was really good seeing my family. I was pretty sad and out of it most of the trip. But it was ok, because everyone there is dealing with their own stuff as well - so I didn't have to hide it, but I wasn't asked to talk about it either, which was perfect. And seeing my grandmother was really really good. I am so glad I went to visit her. She made us laugh - she told raunchy stories about her apparently "wild" past and she was tender and vulnerable at times in ways I have never seen her. At one point she hugged me in this way that a child hugs you, just collapsing into your arms - and my heart just broke for her. It is so hard for her right now. She is aware that she isn't her "normal" self - she knows she has had a stroke and it is affecting her. She gets frustrated when she can't think of or say the right words, you can tell she knows in her mind what they are, but they just aren't coming out. She is deeply resentful of the restrictions placed upon her in her current facility - no smoking, no TV in her room, no cell phone, no going outside. She is a fierce and independent woman who has had to give up most of what brings her joy - being told "no" so many times each day must be absolutely infuriating. Thankfully, my aunt who lives there is a powerful and compassionate advocate for her. She is working very hard to get her moved to a better place with more freedom and more of what she is used to. Especially, (as she is quick to remind us) the ability to smoke again.
She was doing really well the days I was there, and I am so grateful for that time with her. I was always visiting her with an entourage of other family members (my gramma is like the rock-star of the place) - children included, and it was really amazing to watch her interact with all of us. Especially the kids. She just adored them and loved on them completely. She even shared her chocolate brownie ice cream with them - now that is love.
And I loved seeing the kids too - my youngest cousin who is 9, my niece (and goddaughter) who is 8, and my nephew who is 3. There is just nothing that makes me smile and touches my heart more than these kiddos. They just continually amaze me. I could fill a whole separate entry up just with stories about how incredibly awesome all three of them are. Maybe I will some day.
Actually, there are so many stories I want to share here about my time with my family - but in the interest of length, suffice it to say that I have a really crazy and wonderful family and I am really grateful for every one of them. I am glad I belong to them.
Soooo - last but not least, also last Wednesday, I started my period. Or rather it started on its own, I don't think I had anything to do with it starting - at least not willfully. Which means two things. First - as Mr. Spicy sadly pointed out - we are all through with our chances to get pregnant on our own, that was our last chance. From here on out it is "go time". Second - as I just mentioned - it is "go" time. I started my BCPs (birth control pills) on Friday night. I will be on those for 16 days. I start Lupron on Tuesday, and I have my Laminaria placement on Wednesday. It is about to get really real here, very soon. We are really gonna do this. I could be pregnant by this time next month. Wow.
My counselor and I talked today about how the grieving I am doing, the loss I am experiencing - it is carving out a place in me, opening me up. Both of us were actually afraid to even say that we hope that the space that is being carved out, is for something very very good to come. Like, oh I don't know....a baby?
All I can say for sure is that the space is being carved. I am being opened up. And it hurts.
But I hope, oh I hope - that it will soon be filled with someone really really good.
March 01, 2008
"The wings are wide..."
"I feel it all. I feel it all.
The wings are wide. The wings are wide.
Wild card inside. Wild card inside."
By far, the most memorable moment yesterday was sitting in our car in the parking garage before our appointment. Mr. Spicy and I cranked the radio up loud and we sang/yelled along to Feist's, "I feel it all". It got us all pumped up and ready to face whatever would lie ahead in the RE's office. I am just loving this song with my entire being right now. I have listened to it like 4 billion times in the last week.
It just resonates deeply with my desire to stay present in this whole process, to "feel it all". I usually yell this part at the top of my lungs - like a mantra meant to reach the deepest hidden caves within me - reminding me that I am here and I want to feel every part of this - I want to be present for all of it.
"The wings are wide..." - I think this really speaks to my hope. I am choosing to imagine myself strong and empowered and free in this process - not oppressed by it. I literally visualize my arms wide open to embrace everything that lies ahead and the wings wide to carry me through it.
"Wild card inside"...well - this just points to the risk and the chances we are taking....and this "wild card" that will literally be transfered into my body. There are no guarantees here...biggest gamble of my life!
"I know more than I knew before" - isn't this just so true for anyone getting to this place? I know so much more than I knew before - things I wished I never had the need to know - but nevertheless, I know them now.
"I don't know what I knew before, but now I know I wanna win the war." - This feels like my rallying cry right now - I want to win this war! I am filled with uncertainty, and still reeling in ways from the journey it took to get here, but dammit - I want to win this thing! I want to be a mamma, I want to be pregnant, to give birth, to breastfeed, the whole package - and I want IVF to work for us, to allow us to do this. I must believe, I do believe, that it will. I want this war to end - and soon.
This concludes the interpretive music portion of this blog post.......now for the juicy details:
It was a really good visit overall. They moved us through from blood draw, to semen collection, to hysteroscopy, to ultrasound, to regroup, to consult, with the ease of a well-oiled machine. Nice when it works that way!
We had our blood drawn - quick and painlessly. (Ruby is the best!)
Ultrasound went smoothly. My uterine lining was superb. The blood flow to my uterus was great. The ultrasound tech/nurse (not sure which she is) was really kind and talked me through everything she saw, which I really appreciated. She sure knows her stuff!
We had a little issue with the hysteroscopy - apparently I have a very tight spot where my cervix is basically clamped down right at the opening. They never had a problem getting the catheter in for the IUIs, but the IVF catheter is much more pliable and wiggly - so this tight spot could cause issues. The RE said that she worries about it "crushing the embryos" at the transfer. That is NOT a comforting image. Initially she thought I had a bend in my cervix but it turns out that my cervix is just a little uptight. (ha!) Thankfully, there is a solution. 3-4 weeks prior to transfer, the Dr. will insert a laminaria stick into my cervix. This little seaweed stick (yes, it is REALLY a stick made of seaweed) will sit in my cervical opening for 24 hrs and fill with fluid, slowly dilating my cervix. Wooohooo! (Actually - I think it is kinda cool really).
Because of this spot in my cervical opening, Dr. Deb had to work a little harder for the hysteroscopy. They numbed my cervix with local anesthetic injections and then she got right in and looked around. The actual procedure was not too bad - I just kept breathing and trying to relax during the whole thing. Dr. Deb said my uterus looked "perfect" and then kept commending me for doing "great", doing "amazing". I kept saying, "Thanks!" But was puzzled as to why she and the nurse seemed to think I performed so well. It seemed like they thought I should be in more pain. But I was ok, really. Until several hours later - when the local wore off (at least I am assuming that's what happened) - and the lower part of my abdomen just felt really pissed off and inflamed and ready to kick someone's ass. I understand. I do.
So, while I was in the chambers of vaginal poking, Mr. Spicy was in his own little chamber, having "fun with the cup". We then met back up for our re-group with Dr. Deb and our IVF consult with our nurse, Amber.
Our re-group was great. I honestly cannot say enough good things about Dr. Deb (Minjarez) - the more time I spend with her, the more I adore her! She gave me a huge hug when she came in to do the hysteroscopy, and later when she met with us together she was just so kind and encouraging, and warm. She confirmed that she will look at my chart every day and that she will sign off on every decision made, every test run. SHE will determine our protocol and adjust it based upon results throughout the cycle. This was really comforting. Plus, she never rolls her eyes or laughs at any of the crazy questions I come in with. And, let me tell you, I have given her some doozies!
Our IVF nurse Amber seems really amazing as well. I feel really lucky to have her and Dr. Deb working on our case together. She has this great combination of warmth, kindness, humor, and just absolute competency and expertise. She also did not roll her eyes or laugh at me - which can be quite the feat at times, I am sure. She gave us our "IVF bible" - literally a huge binder filled with everything we will need to know, understand, and digest for our IVF cycle. She then went through the binder with us - which was really helpful. She also let us know that as an IVF coordinator she and the other IVF coordinators are there for us completely. All they deal with is IVF. She said I could call her every single day of the cycle if I needed to (I may test her on this one!) - and really made us feel like ANY questions, ANY issues that arise for us during this process will be taken seriously and responded to promptly with understanding.
Now of course, I know that how things seem now and how they may actually end up may be very different. But for right now, we feel like we are investing this money in receiving this amazing service and care for what feels like it will be the biggest and most important medical adventure of our lives. This alone, this peace of mind, this feeling that the people taking care of us care about us, are going to be available to us, are going to do everything within their power to get us pregnant, and are really really good at what they do - this? It's worth every penny. Add the possibility of finally having a child, and well - it is truly priceless.
So....in less than 3 weeks I will start BCPs (birth control pills for those not immersed in the IF world). This will allow us to start the IVF cycle with a clean slate - Once this begins, we are ON!!!!! Amber made our schedule and it predicts us for a retrieval around the end of April. We could be pregnant by May!!!!
We are both overwhelmed by all the information and what lies ahead - but we both feel strangely excited and giddy about it all too.....
I feel it all. I feel it all.
The wings are wide. The wings are wide.
The wings are wide. The wings are wide.
Wild card inside. Wild card inside."
By far, the most memorable moment yesterday was sitting in our car in the parking garage before our appointment. Mr. Spicy and I cranked the radio up loud and we sang/yelled along to Feist's, "I feel it all". It got us all pumped up and ready to face whatever would lie ahead in the RE's office. I am just loving this song with my entire being right now. I have listened to it like 4 billion times in the last week.
It just resonates deeply with my desire to stay present in this whole process, to "feel it all". I usually yell this part at the top of my lungs - like a mantra meant to reach the deepest hidden caves within me - reminding me that I am here and I want to feel every part of this - I want to be present for all of it.
"The wings are wide..." - I think this really speaks to my hope. I am choosing to imagine myself strong and empowered and free in this process - not oppressed by it. I literally visualize my arms wide open to embrace everything that lies ahead and the wings wide to carry me through it.
"Wild card inside"...well - this just points to the risk and the chances we are taking....and this "wild card" that will literally be transfered into my body. There are no guarantees here...biggest gamble of my life!
"I know more than I knew before" - isn't this just so true for anyone getting to this place? I know so much more than I knew before - things I wished I never had the need to know - but nevertheless, I know them now.
"I don't know what I knew before, but now I know I wanna win the war." - This feels like my rallying cry right now - I want to win this war! I am filled with uncertainty, and still reeling in ways from the journey it took to get here, but dammit - I want to win this thing! I want to be a mamma, I want to be pregnant, to give birth, to breastfeed, the whole package - and I want IVF to work for us, to allow us to do this. I must believe, I do believe, that it will. I want this war to end - and soon.
This concludes the interpretive music portion of this blog post.......now for the juicy details:
It was a really good visit overall. They moved us through from blood draw, to semen collection, to hysteroscopy, to ultrasound, to regroup, to consult, with the ease of a well-oiled machine. Nice when it works that way!
We had our blood drawn - quick and painlessly. (Ruby is the best!)
Ultrasound went smoothly. My uterine lining was superb. The blood flow to my uterus was great. The ultrasound tech/nurse (not sure which she is) was really kind and talked me through everything she saw, which I really appreciated. She sure knows her stuff!
We had a little issue with the hysteroscopy - apparently I have a very tight spot where my cervix is basically clamped down right at the opening. They never had a problem getting the catheter in for the IUIs, but the IVF catheter is much more pliable and wiggly - so this tight spot could cause issues. The RE said that she worries about it "crushing the embryos" at the transfer. That is NOT a comforting image. Initially she thought I had a bend in my cervix but it turns out that my cervix is just a little uptight. (ha!) Thankfully, there is a solution. 3-4 weeks prior to transfer, the Dr. will insert a laminaria stick into my cervix. This little seaweed stick (yes, it is REALLY a stick made of seaweed) will sit in my cervical opening for 24 hrs and fill with fluid, slowly dilating my cervix. Wooohooo! (Actually - I think it is kinda cool really).
Because of this spot in my cervical opening, Dr. Deb had to work a little harder for the hysteroscopy. They numbed my cervix with local anesthetic injections and then she got right in and looked around. The actual procedure was not too bad - I just kept breathing and trying to relax during the whole thing. Dr. Deb said my uterus looked "perfect" and then kept commending me for doing "great", doing "amazing". I kept saying, "Thanks!" But was puzzled as to why she and the nurse seemed to think I performed so well. It seemed like they thought I should be in more pain. But I was ok, really. Until several hours later - when the local wore off (at least I am assuming that's what happened) - and the lower part of my abdomen just felt really pissed off and inflamed and ready to kick someone's ass. I understand. I do.
So, while I was in the chambers of vaginal poking, Mr. Spicy was in his own little chamber, having "fun with the cup". We then met back up for our re-group with Dr. Deb and our IVF consult with our nurse, Amber.
Our re-group was great. I honestly cannot say enough good things about Dr. Deb (Minjarez) - the more time I spend with her, the more I adore her! She gave me a huge hug when she came in to do the hysteroscopy, and later when she met with us together she was just so kind and encouraging, and warm. She confirmed that she will look at my chart every day and that she will sign off on every decision made, every test run. SHE will determine our protocol and adjust it based upon results throughout the cycle. This was really comforting. Plus, she never rolls her eyes or laughs at any of the crazy questions I come in with. And, let me tell you, I have given her some doozies!
Our IVF nurse Amber seems really amazing as well. I feel really lucky to have her and Dr. Deb working on our case together. She has this great combination of warmth, kindness, humor, and just absolute competency and expertise. She also did not roll her eyes or laugh at me - which can be quite the feat at times, I am sure. She gave us our "IVF bible" - literally a huge binder filled with everything we will need to know, understand, and digest for our IVF cycle. She then went through the binder with us - which was really helpful. She also let us know that as an IVF coordinator she and the other IVF coordinators are there for us completely. All they deal with is IVF. She said I could call her every single day of the cycle if I needed to (I may test her on this one!) - and really made us feel like ANY questions, ANY issues that arise for us during this process will be taken seriously and responded to promptly with understanding.
Now of course, I know that how things seem now and how they may actually end up may be very different. But for right now, we feel like we are investing this money in receiving this amazing service and care for what feels like it will be the biggest and most important medical adventure of our lives. This alone, this peace of mind, this feeling that the people taking care of us care about us, are going to be available to us, are going to do everything within their power to get us pregnant, and are really really good at what they do - this? It's worth every penny. Add the possibility of finally having a child, and well - it is truly priceless.
So....in less than 3 weeks I will start BCPs (birth control pills for those not immersed in the IF world). This will allow us to start the IVF cycle with a clean slate - Once this begins, we are ON!!!!! Amber made our schedule and it predicts us for a retrieval around the end of April. We could be pregnant by May!!!!
We are both overwhelmed by all the information and what lies ahead - but we both feel strangely excited and giddy about it all too.....
I feel it all. I feel it all.
The wings are wide. The wings are wide.
February 28, 2008
Dreadful somethings, and my photogenic uterus.....
First. Thank you everyone for your comments and support on those last two posts. Wow. I am just so impressed with you all. You all are so insightful, so right on, and so incredibly kind. Thank you.
Second. Mr. Spicy and I are working through the financial stuff. He came with me to my counselor tonight and we talked more about it. It is hard for him, of course. But I think we both realize that there is a lot of purpose in this struggle and that on some level it is probably going to be so good for us both in the end.
Third. We are going for our IVF consultation and our carnival of testing tomorrow. That includes a new semen analysis for Mr. Spicy (aka "fun with a cup") and communicable disease testing for the both of us. I will get the special treatment, however. I get to have a hysteroscopy (my uterus is already primping herself for the camera - I can feel it....) and a doppler ultrasound to measure blood flow to my uterus and I will also have my AMH level tested. I am actually really excited for the consultation. I think we will get our "calendar" (aka "that which will rule our lives for the next several months like a hardened 200lb dominatrix") - and we will finally have a "plan", something to look forward to that is concrete and real. The testing is freaking me out a little though...
So I took my antibiotic tonight like a good little patient, and I am trying not to worry too much about tomorrow. It is so funny, (well not funny, no not really funny at all actually, more odd really) - when we first began the medical portion of this journey, I really hoped the doctors would find something wrong with one of us - preferably something easily fixed, but something. That way we wouldn't just be left wondering why it hasn't happened yet for us. But nothing was found. So now here we are, at the last hurdle before the official IVF boot camp begins, and I am so nervous that they will find something - Some thing that prevents us from moving forward right now, something that derails our train, something that creates a road block - even a temporary one. And let me tell you, if this happens - I will not be ok with it.
It has taken SO much just to get to this point. I have had to "let go" of plans, of dreams, of ideals, of a truckload of money, of opportunities, of hopes....I have had to "adjust", "respond", "re-evaluate". And to get here, here where even six months ago I could not fathom being, I have had to make new plans, new hopes, new ideals, new dreams - and now? Now I am so totally on board with this new plan, this new path, this new ideal - so "on board" in fact that the thought of having to change this yet again makes me break out in a sweat. So no, no it will not be OK if something comes up. Something has already had its chance to appear. It was invited, it was waited on, and it was a no show. Something stood me up. So now? Now, something does not get to just stroll through the door - hours late for our date, and demand to be taken out to dinner. Nope. Sorry. There is no room. I will not tolerate it. (ha! as if I really have a choice here, right?)
I am trying to stay positive. Nothing will happen. Everything will be perfect. textbook perfect really. And my uterus will get her moment to shine - she did such a good showing for the HSG, I have every faith she will do the same for her photo shoot tomorrow. She's really photogenic, you know? She's a bit of a ham - I think she'd secretly like to be a contestant on America's Next Top Model. But she's too good for Tyra - and she's not willing to go on a diet. She's just all hip and progressive like that. Um, yeah, I just said my uterus is "hip and progressive" that's right, got a problem with that?
Ok seriously though - tomorrow feels big. Really big. Like we are really going to do this crazy thing.
Wow.
Wow.
Wow.
Second. Mr. Spicy and I are working through the financial stuff. He came with me to my counselor tonight and we talked more about it. It is hard for him, of course. But I think we both realize that there is a lot of purpose in this struggle and that on some level it is probably going to be so good for us both in the end.
Third. We are going for our IVF consultation and our carnival of testing tomorrow. That includes a new semen analysis for Mr. Spicy (aka "fun with a cup") and communicable disease testing for the both of us. I will get the special treatment, however. I get to have a hysteroscopy (my uterus is already primping herself for the camera - I can feel it....) and a doppler ultrasound to measure blood flow to my uterus and I will also have my AMH level tested. I am actually really excited for the consultation. I think we will get our "calendar" (aka "that which will rule our lives for the next several months like a hardened 200lb dominatrix") - and we will finally have a "plan", something to look forward to that is concrete and real. The testing is freaking me out a little though...
So I took my antibiotic tonight like a good little patient, and I am trying not to worry too much about tomorrow. It is so funny, (well not funny, no not really funny at all actually, more odd really) - when we first began the medical portion of this journey, I really hoped the doctors would find something wrong with one of us - preferably something easily fixed, but something. That way we wouldn't just be left wondering why it hasn't happened yet for us. But nothing was found. So now here we are, at the last hurdle before the official IVF boot camp begins, and I am so nervous that they will find something - Some thing that prevents us from moving forward right now, something that derails our train, something that creates a road block - even a temporary one. And let me tell you, if this happens - I will not be ok with it.
It has taken SO much just to get to this point. I have had to "let go" of plans, of dreams, of ideals, of a truckload of money, of opportunities, of hopes....I have had to "adjust", "respond", "re-evaluate". And to get here, here where even six months ago I could not fathom being, I have had to make new plans, new hopes, new ideals, new dreams - and now? Now I am so totally on board with this new plan, this new path, this new ideal - so "on board" in fact that the thought of having to change this yet again makes me break out in a sweat. So no, no it will not be OK if something comes up. Something has already had its chance to appear. It was invited, it was waited on, and it was a no show. Something stood me up. So now? Now, something does not get to just stroll through the door - hours late for our date, and demand to be taken out to dinner. Nope. Sorry. There is no room. I will not tolerate it. (ha! as if I really have a choice here, right?)
I am trying to stay positive. Nothing will happen. Everything will be perfect. textbook perfect really. And my uterus will get her moment to shine - she did such a good showing for the HSG, I have every faith she will do the same for her photo shoot tomorrow. She's really photogenic, you know? She's a bit of a ham - I think she'd secretly like to be a contestant on America's Next Top Model. But she's too good for Tyra - and she's not willing to go on a diet. She's just all hip and progressive like that. Um, yeah, I just said my uterus is "hip and progressive" that's right, got a problem with that?
Ok seriously though - tomorrow feels big. Really big. Like we are really going to do this crazy thing.
Wow.
Wow.
Wow.
February 11, 2008
Guess I gotta start somewhere right?
"The hardest thing about writing is telling the truth.
Maybe it's the hardest thing about being a woman too"
-Sue Monk Kidd
SO, I made the decision over the last couple of weeks to start this blog charting our path through IVF. And even though I have been secretly composing posts in my head the thought of actually starting this is really daunting!
My first reason for starting a blog is that it has helped me tremendously to read what other bloggers have written about their own struggles and triumphs in the world of infertility, so I am hopeful that this will be encouraging to someone else as well.
My second reason is to help the people in our lives understand better what we are going through and how we are doing through all of this. I know this is a touchy subject and I know so many of you have really varied opinions about this treatment and I also know that some of you probably just don't know what to ask or how to be in this with us. So, here it is....I hope reading about the process will help you understand, help to answer some of your questions, and hopefully help you to celebrate with us when that wonderful day arrives and we are officially parents, one way or another. Wherever you stand on this, we welcome you to join us in this process and in this journey which is progressively leading us smack dab through uncertainty.
So let's get started shall we?
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