January 27, 2009

Sunshine....another update

We just heard from the Dr.s office. Zane's bilirubin went up slightly again to 15.1. But today is the day it should have peaked and 15.1 is still below the level that requires treatment, so no more testing until his 2 week appt, or unless he shows signs of worsening in any way.

Huge relief. Huge.

She told us to sit by the window with him 3 times a day and to continue feeding him frequently to help his body get rid of this. So lets hope for some sunny days ahead - in more ways than one.

One good thing about getting out for that dreaded blood test today was getting some sunshine for myself too - which really helped me so much! Guess we both need a bit more sunlight right now.

Thanks everyone for the reassurance, the good wishes, and thoughts and vibes and prayers. This really threw us first time parents for a loop and having your support truly helped so much!

January 26, 2009

Update.....still yellow

Dr. just called.

Good news: Zane is gaining back his weight like a champ. He left the hospital on Sat. weighing 8lbs 9oz and today he weighed 9lbs even. They like to see a gain of 1-2 oz per day, he gained 7oz in a day and a half. That was a huge relief!

Other news: His bilirubin continues to climb. It is 2 points higher today but still beneath "treatment" levels. We have to take him back to the lab tomorrow to check again.

Thank you all of you who are thinking of us and hoping for us. We (all three of us) are exhausted and Mr. Spicy and I are longing for a few days of uninterrupted bliss with our boy. We are grateful he is doing as well as he is and that the Dr.s are being so diligent with his care. We are just ready for some normalization and reassurance soon. Please send lots of lowering bilirubin thoughts for Zane tomorrow, if you can.

We will keep you posted. In the meantime here is a gratuitous photo of Zane in all his deliciousness:


So much to say......but for now I am thinking of only one thing. That Zane would be healthy.

He developed pathologic hemolytic jaundice shortly after birth. This type of jaundice is much more rare than the common physiological jaundice often seen in newborns. His particular case is caused by him having A+ blood (already an A student!) and my having O+ blood. Some of my antibodies entered his bood stream during the birth and began breaking down his red blood cells causing elevated bilirubin levels.

In the hospital the tests showed that his body was doing its best to respond by making new red blood cells but it is a slow process and his levels were steadily increasing. He remained under "bili-lights" and on a bili-blanket for the three days we were there. We also supplemented his feedings with donor breast milk in an effort to flush more bilirubin from his system. On his last day in the hospital the levels began to stabilize and even decrease slightly.

Yesterday, our first day home, we took him back to be re-tested. His levels had increased again but had remained below the level where treatment is critical.

Today, he is more yellow and a little more sleepy, both signs that his bilirubin may be on the rise again. We are bringing him in this afternoon for testing again.

I am a wreck. I hate that he has been poked and prodded and messed with every day of his little life, I hate that he might need those damn lights again (he HATES them!), I hate that I can't just settle in at home for two consecutive days and love on my boy without interference - but mostly I hate that anything might possibly be wrong with him. I am a crying, worrying mess over here just thinking about it.

Please send lots of prayers, good vibes, thoughts, whatever you've got we'll take it - for Zane to be healthy, for his levels to be coming down, and for his momma to be strong.

p.s. I know this is hardly on the scale of really scary stuff - but for me....well, it's big, and it is freaking me out. I just desperately want him to be ok.

January 21, 2009

Beautiful Boy

Our boy arrived at 8:38 am today, after 26 hours of labor and via c-section. He weighed a hefty 9lbs 10 oz which directly contributed to how he eventually came into the world this morning - but I will post a full birth story later when I am not spontaneously passing out. I am exhausted and happier than I have ever been. Best day of my life by far.

Happy birth day Zane!

January 20, 2009

Water broke!!!!

More like "leaking" - 6am. Blood tinged.

Having contractions like menstrual cramps.

So excited! Our baby is on his way!!!!!

(we have appt with Dr. Honey at 9 - hoping to stay home till then)

January 16, 2009

40.5 weeks....

Had my NST today. Our Poblano looks "excellent" and was very active! And....apparently I was have some pretty serious contractions. But I wasn't feeling them.

Three different nurses took a look at the readout and asked me, "Are you sure you aren't feeling those?" I explained I could feel some tightening and pressure but no pain or any real distinct "contracty" feelings. I was actually pretty comfy. They just shook their heads and looked at me as if I was insane. They showed me the printout and explained that I was showing pretty mid-level to high-level contractions. Even now, I can barely tell I am having them, but they are nothing regular. Sometimes they last several minutes, and there's not a consistent pattern - but good to know something is happening!

Dr. Z was shown my results and apparently felt good enough about them to let me go till next week when I meet with Dr. Honey. But the nurses! Oh my! They were pushing and pushing for me to go ahead and schedule and induction - what is up with that?! Even as I was walking out, a nurse I am not familiar with asked if I was heading to the hospital to have my baby. I was rather stunned and just stammered..."um, no....not yet!"

I am looking forward to either a) going into labor on my own sometime between now and Tue or b) meeting with Dr. Honey on Tue. She knows my wishes and is really supportive and has said in the past that she would allow me to go to 42 weeks if everything looked alright, without scheduling an induction.

I have been reading lately that studies show that the true average gestation for first time moms is actually closer to 41 weeks + 1 day. And like I said, tardiness is a family trait. So, as long as Poblano is doing fine and wiggling away in there and as long as my body continues to do what it is supposed to (yay! contractions!) - I would rather give us both just a bit more time. But, if we haven't delivered by Tue, I will see what my Dr. says and what her opinion is of the risks over 41 weeks. Ultimately, I will do what is best for my son. But for now, everything seems to be working just as it should be. So I feel good about letting nature take its course.

My doula has been invaluable to me this week especially - she and I have talked almost every day and she is superbly suited to talking me off the ledges I sometimes work myself onto. She has been so encouraging and has helped me maintain perspective and positivity in these last days. Today, after my NST, she applauded me for doing so well. That Poblano is thriving, that I am having good strong contractions - that both are happening simultaneously - all good good things. She made me promise to go do something nice for myself today to celebrate my body and that it is doing its work so beautifully. So, I treated myself to a mani/pedi and deliciously spicy Indian food for lunch. Yum! I rarely get pedicure and almost never get manicures, so this was quite the treat! I chose a sparkly light blue polish for my toes as opposed to the usual crimson. It seemed to say "baby boy" and I thought it would be a nice bright image for me while in labor. It makes me think of fairy dust and magic. And what could be more magical than our baby boy's arrival??

So....still waiting. But feeling positive and excited that he is coming soon!!!! It just occured to me today that perhaps I should have some kind of poll going for people to guess when he will arrive and what his stats will be. You could include guesses in the comments or I could do some fancy link to some poll or something...What do you all think???

January 13, 2009

40 weeks...

...and no baby yet.

We saw Dr. Z (the male Dr. who is the head of the practice) yesterday because Dr. Honey is out of town (again!). As he had me half-naked up on the table he said, "So. I generally don't like to let women go past 41 weeks. How about we schedule you for an induction this weekend?" I think my jaw dropped, literally. I was totally unprepared for this since Dr. Honey had originally said that as long as all was well with baby we could go to 42 weeks. Thankfully, Dr. Z is observant and before I had a chance to voice my opinion he took one look at my face and said, "You don't want an induction, do you?" And I replied that really, I would rather avoid it if possible.

So - he asked us to come back on Friday for a NST. If all goes well, I will see Dr. Honey again next Tue ( 41 weeks) and she and I can discuss what she thinks about all this. This is assuming Poblano doesn't make his grand entrance by then, of course.

I am not against doing an induction if need be, for medical reasons. I just don't want to do one just because I'm running a little late. Myself and both my sisters came a bit late into this world (one of them at 43 weeks!!!), so I think maybe it just runs in the family. Most my family can't make it anywhere on time to this day - so perhaps he is just following in our footsteps. Not to mention that a large majority of first time moms go past their due dates. So, as long as Poblano looks good and healthy and I am ok - I want to give my body a chance to do what it knows how to do when it is ready and this baby a chance to come when it is right for him.

This doesn't mean I am against helping things along, or clearing the path, if you will. I have been a walking fiend and even did the stairmaster at the gym last night. I did yoga this morning. I saw my acupuncturist this afternoon (she marked the points she triggered so Mr. S can stimulate them at home). I have a tea from my herbalist that is supposed to help ripen my cervix and tone my uterus. She also gave me some homeopathics as well. They are not to induce, just to support the uterus in producing more efficient contractions. I am still on the fence about those though. I am taking Evening Primose Oil, doing warm baths, stretching, doing my "optimal fetal positioning exercises" and yes - having lots of sex (sorry for the TMI). I am also trying to remember to do regular nipple stimulation. Mr. Spicy had me doing it in the car while we drove to the gym last night. Quite the show for the other motorists, I am sure.

But despite all the above (and let me be clear here that I am not religious with any of those things), I think honestly the most important thing for me to do right now is to connect with our baby and to relax and admit that this, like so much else, is really out of my control. No matter what I do - he will come when he is ready. My acupuncturist reminded me that this is one of my life lessons, to learn to let go and understand that things are not in my control. Even after all the work I did with this during our long struggle with IF, I still don't like being in this place. I do not like walking into the unknown. And yet, I will do it again and again and I will struggle with it all the way - because I know that there is so much for me to learn here. And I know there is so much freedom to be had in accepting that I do not have ultimate control. And I think motherhood will require me to face this lesson continually in deeper and harder ways, probably for the rest of my life.

So....we wait. Which depending on the day can feel just fine or completely agonizing. On Sunday I was in bed most of the day and in tears because I was just completely worn out from not sleeping and the aches and pains and the acid reflux and the anxiety and did I mention the not sleeping? I literally went about a week sleeping at most 2-3 hours a night, and even those would be interrupted hours. Then, I would be wide awake the rest of night, only to collapse from exhaustion at about 7am to get another 2 hours of sleep or so. It was seriously making me completely wigged out. Then last night, I slept. I slept. I slept the whole night! (With about a dozen trips to the bathroom of course) I actually kind of freaked when I woke up this morning. I thought surely something was wrong and nervously did a kick count. Poblano was moving just fine. We were both fine. I just felt.....rested. And it was amazing. So, needless to say I am in much much better spirits today. I left the house at 10am for yoga and spent the whole day out running errands and getting stuff done and I felt almost normal again. So today? The waiting doesn't feel so hard. But, after a day out I am tired. So I hope last night wasn't just a fluke.

But enough about me....how about some pictures of me?

Remember when I said I had very special 38 week pictures? Mr. Spicy helped me make a belly cast at 38 weeks. We laughed so hard while doing it - it was really fun. But holy freaking boobs batman! I truly had no idea till I looked at it how incredibly ridiculously huge my breasts are. A good friend of mine did a belly cast with her third pregnancy and she was thoughtful enough to hold her arms in the air while it was being applied so that her boobs would seem more perky. I really wish I would have thought of that too. Regardless. There is my 38 week form, preserved for all time. I am thinking of painting it as an early labor project. We'll see. Mr. Spicy is concerned I will want to mount it on our living room wall and terrorize our visitors with it. Just for that, I made him try it on. So now you all know what my husband might look like if he were 38 weeks pregnant. He is such a good sport! (although he did make me promise not to include his face)

And here are my 40 week belly pictures, behold the giant belly (and the recently appearing stretch marks that I am coming to terms with - ah vanity!):

January 07, 2009

39 weeks - aka "our first visit to Labor & Delivery" or "Not Complaining Anymore"

Here is how I spent the day yesterday:

10:30am - missed yoga class so I ran errands, had the oil changed in the car, etc, etc

1:30pm - had my 39 week appt with Dr. Honey. Now about 1.5cm dilated and still 50-60% effaced. She did a small amount of "sweeping my membranes" and offered to do this again for me on Thu morning in hopes of getting things moving.

4:00pm - met up with Mr. Spicy to go check out our future pediatrician's office. Took the tour at 4:30, met with a Dr. and a med asst. Decided this is definitely the practice for us and felt very pleased about that.

5:45pm - arrived home, excited to have dinner with a good friend at 7. Began a playful teasing banter with Mr. Spicy.

~~this is where everything changes~~

5:50pm - got out of the car and began walking towards the house - still joking loudly with husband. Caught my shoe in crack of sidewalk and went flying through the air. In a desperate effort not to land directly on my belly, I turn and land on my right side. I end up with a scraped knee, a scraped hand, (later a sore hip), and and elbow to my belly.

5:55pm - make it into the house with Mr. Spicy's help. Call my OB's office. Search Google frantically for information on falling in the third trimester. The Ob on call, and Dr. Google both reccomend heading straight to Labor & Delivery. Holy Shit.

6:05pm - making the 5 minute drive to labor & Delivery, my doula calls. We tell her what is happening and she talks to me and helps me calm down, reminding me to breathe and connect with my body and my baby. I feel Poblano move a few times and the fear becomes a bit less overwhelming. I have a sense things will be ok. We are in this together.

6:10pm - try to get into night entrance at Labor & Delivery but couldn't understand security guard over intercom. He wouldn't let us in because we didn't specifically say the magic words: "We are in labor!" or "This is an emergency!". We drive around to the main entrance and take the long way to L&D. Mr. Spicy is FUMING at this point.

6:15pm - they get us checked in at L&D. Mr. Spicy goes to move our car. He also goes to have a word with the security guard. I sit anxiously hoping he returns soon and isn't arrested for harrassment or worse. The nurses get me hooked up to the monitors, and Mr. Spicy returns. At first Poblano's heartrate looks it flat. It isn't showing the accelerations they normally like to see. More waiting and watching and listening.

7:00pm - now Poblano's heart rate is looking more normal. They move us to one of the nicer labor and delivery rooms because the computer isn't working in the monitoring room I was in. They draw a full panel of blood and everything looks normal. The Dr. on call from my Ob's office has decided to keep us for four hours of observation. We sit, we wait, we listen. I thank God every time I feel Poblano trying to kick the hell out of those damn monitors. I think they are pretty uncomfortable too.

~~ hours pass, Mr. Spicy gets us Thai food, we eat, watch TV and begin to feel confident things will be ok~~

10:00pm - resident Ob does an u/s - more for our benefit than anything. He is so squished in there, you can't really get a decent shot. But his head is down in my pelvis, and his back is to my left side, with his legs curled over and filling the right side. We see the top of his head, his spine, his heart, his femur - he looks gorgeous to me. He has plenty of fluid and the placenta looks as it should for 39 weeks. HUGE sigh of relief!

11:00pm - another blood draw to compare to the first. The phlebotomist is really rough with his technique and bruises me. But, I don't even wince. I am sure this will be the last step before I get to go home, reassured all is well with our little boy. And that is all that matters.

11:30pm - our nurse comes in. Bad news. My hematocrit has dropped from 38 to 31. This could signify internal bleeding. Or it could be lab error. Either way, they are now telling us we will be staying overnight. We have another blood draw scheduled at 3am. The nurse tries to reassure us. She says first: "Sometimes there's a small bleed and it heals itself." then she says, "But if the next test comes back lower - we will probably induce just to get him out of there." INDUCE! INDUCE!? Shit! Mr. Spicy runs home to let the dogs out and comes back with our "labor bag" just in case. He falls asleep on the bench/bed next to my bed. I stay awake - my mind swimming with the idea that we could be induced in just a few hours. I am exhausted and really uncomfortable from trying to find a way to comfortably sit/lie with those montors attached. I am sore from my fall. I don't know if I was induced if I would have the strength or determination to go through labor right now. I am an emotional wreck from the events of the evening and I could desperately use some sleep. Instead, I watch the clock - walk myself through the "what ifs" - pray - and wait for 3am.

3am - finally. a different phlebotomist arrives. A kind man, probably in his forties with a thick accent. He is much more gentle and wishes me luck. I am grateful for his kindness. I hope it is a good sign of things to come.

3:30am - Our nurse comes in. I am just coming out of the bathroom. My last hematocrit looks great. I didn't even ask for a number, I just was so relieved. She tells us we can stop the monitoring (Poblano's been looking awesome all night long!) and we can sleep till 7, or leave now - whichever we prefer. I wake up Mr. Spicy to tell him the good news. We both agree we'd rather be home. We pack up our stuff, get our discharge info and head home.

After everything works out, after I know my baby boy is ok and so am I - I feel guilty. Guilty for falling. Guilty for taking up so much time - from Mr. Spicy, from the nurses and doctors.....from everyone. I feel like the girl who cried wolf. I feel uncomfortable with the amount of attention and resources I have drawn to myself. Mr. Spicy assures me the fall was not my fault, and that we did all the right things. He reminds me that neither of us would have slept or probably exhaled the entire night had we not gone in to the hospital and made sure our son was ok. He is right. He is completely right. I just wish I had paid more attention and not fallen in the first place.

I also realize that I no longer feel any room or desire to complain about being uncomfortable or feeling so "ready" for Poblano to come. I don't care anymore. I don't care if he decides to stay in there another 2 weeks. I just want him safe and sound. And he can get here whenever he is ready. The most comforting thing in the world was hearing his heart beat all night long. I got home and could still hear it in my head - the phantom of the monitors wooshing away next to my ear. It had been less than an hour and already I missed hearing him - having some tangible outside proof of him, of his health and strength.

Lastly, even though the nurses and doctors treated us incredibly well and the accomodations were as comfortable as they could be - this visit really cemented my desire to labor at home as long as possible. No matter what they do, the hospital is just no match for home. And even though I was only on external monitors - I realized how limiting and uncomfortable those could be - even just on an intermittent basis - when I am trying to move and adjust and deal with contractions. So. As long as I am doing well, and Poblano is moving around, we will try to stay home during labor as long as we can. We are literally 5 minutes from the hospital and my Dr. fully suports this plan. But - I also realized from our stay last night, how compassionate and helpful the nurses and Dr.s (and even the phlebotomists) are and can be. I realized that if our plan goes awry, if we spend more time there than we hope to - we will be in really good hands. And that is a huge relief.

On our "to do" list before Poblano arrives, Mr. Spicy had written: "Make several practice runs to Labor & Delivery" - we are so close that this is kind of laughable, but he wanted to be prepared. So, as we were leaving last night I told him I thought we had filled that requirement. We hadn't only done a practice run, we'd done a whole "practice stay". He laughed and asked, "Why do we always have to be the overachievers on everything?!"

January 04, 2009

I'm sorry to inform you that you have a boring, normal pregnancy...

That's what the Dr. told us on Friday. We (Mr. Spicy is home on mandatory "vacation" till the 5th) saw Dr. Z, the only male doctor in the practice, since Dr. Honey is also on vacation this week.

He is quite gregarious and funny. He listened to Poblano's heart beating on the doppler, took my measurements and announced that we were boringly normal. My uterus measures perfectly at 38, Poblano's heartrate was perfectly within the normal range, my blood pressure was normal and even a bit low for this stage, and.....I am STILL just 1 cm dilated. BUT! I am now 60% effaced, whereas last week I was still "thick".

Dr. Z demonstrated a great analogy for us on effacement, for Mr. Spicy's benefit. He related it to pulling a knit cap over one's head, when the cap is completely down over the head this equals 100% effacement and all that is left is for the top of the cap to open (like the cervix dilating). He said where I am at is completely normal for a first time pregnancy and suggested we have more "sexual intercourse". Mr. Spicy perked up at that prescription!

It was a good visit and Dr. Z made us laugh. Especially when he "stepped out of hitting range" as he advised us that we were likely to make it to our due date and possibly a bit further. I deliberately scheduled this visit with him because we hadn't met yet and since there is no gaurantee of which Dr. I will get at delivery, I wanted to at least meet him ahead of time so I wouldn't feel caught off guard if some strange male Dr. arrived to deliver my baby. I tend to choose female doctors and especially in the gynecological realm - so it was good to meet him and find him to be really pleasant (and gentle! which is a HUGE plus!).

And....THANK YOU ALL so much for your reassurances and encouragement with my last post. I am actually suddenly feeling somewhat better and my anxiety is passing. I feel much more relaxed about the coming of our Poblano and have decided to just let go and let him come when he is good and ready. (of course, I am still walking, still doing my exercises, still eating spicy food, and still following Dr. Z's instructions - just to help things along) I am a little nervous about going overdue - just in terms of avoiding interventions and such. But, mostly I am trying to enjoy these last days with my husband and with this little one inside of me - knowing he will be here very very soon. Thanks for letting me wig out a bit though, and assuring me that I am not just a big fat whiny brat.

Also - I have a very special 38 week belly picture. But, I may be lazy and just wait to post it till 39 weeks (only 2 days away!). Thanks again!!!

January 01, 2009

38 weeks has arrived and it is kicking my ass

Before I get into everything, a quick update: I lost my mucous plug somewhere in the dark and early hours of Wednesday morning on one of my 500 trips to the bathroom. I don't know if I am any further dilated yet as I do not have my "38 week" appointment until Friday, when I will be 38 weeks and 3 days pregnant.

I have been trying to avoid writing this post. This post where I complain or bemoan my last weeks, or maybe days, of pregnancy - knowing full well, with all my heart how incredibly fortunate I am to even be here to begin with. I have spent the large majority of my pregnancy feeling that gratitude and wonder, knowing at each turn in the road, at each milestone, how very very blessed I am. Blessed to have a fairly textbook and simple pregnancy, blessed to enjoy pregnancy, blessed to be healthy and have a healthy little pepper growing inside of me, blessed all around. Just two weeks ago I was still commenting on how much I simply loved being pregnant, how great I still felt, how I was eager to meet our son but also perfectly content to hang out in my blissfully pregnant state as long as was needed.

I have had a spectacular pregnancy. I have stayed relatively healthy, have not gained a ton of weight, have been fairly active, have deeply enjoyed connecting with our son in utero, have loved my new pregnant curves, have loved how much my husband loved my new pregnant curves. It has been really amazing. So - when others kept warning me I would feel differently the last 2-3 weeks, I really didn't put much stock in it. I felt like I was made for this, made for pregnancy - my body was finally doing all it was meant to, and doing it well. It would not let me down. Ha!

Then 37 weeks hit. That nagging sciatic pain that had come and gone during previous months reared it's head again, but instead of coming and going - it moved in and made its home in the lower right quadrant of my back, my right buttock and my right thigh, reducing me to tears and foul words if I so much as tried to innocently take three steps across the kitchen floor. "Still", I thought, "this is normal pregnancy pain, not so bad - I will be ok - nothing to complain about." But each day the pain has gotten progressively worse, and nothing much seems to help. My chiropractor broke it to me simply: "there's not much I can do to help - you just have to have that baby."

Then, as if the rest of my body had gotten the message now that it was ok to start falling apart on me, other symptoms began to appear: massive lower back pain, pelvic pain, the timely reappearance of nightly acid reflux, complete utter exhaustion, and my new favorite - mind-numbing insomnia. And as each new symptom has appeared I tried very hard to simply take it in without complaint, to accept it as a sign things were moving in the right direction. I kept telling myself how very very lucky I was to even be feeling these things. But they kept coming. Soon, I found myself having to scooch four times to simply roll over in bed, and actually getting out of bed has become an olympic event in and of itself. I no longer feel beautiful and womanly and fertile, but simply huge and bloated and beached like a whale.

Thankfully, I have incredibly understanding and empathetic friends who have assured me that this is all very normal and does not mean I am any less grateful. They have kindly offered to allow me to vent as much as is needed. My doula has assured me that these feelings help prepare a woman to be ready to go through labor. After all, if you feel super-duper why would you willingly walk into something like labor and the ensuing uncertainty to follow? In her words, it almost has to get bad enough to make you willing to endure labor to come out of it. But there's the rub. I do want out. I am begging this child to come, I am eating spicy foods, drinking my tea, getting my daily dose of prostaglandins. And tonight - I feel really strange and guilty about it.

I don't want to end this chapter this way, with a desperate wish to get out of it. I don't want to forget in my haze of hormones and sleep deprivation what a tremendous gift this has been. I don't want my son to sense in any way that I can't wait to evict him just to get some relief. But at times, I have felt or am feeling all of those things and more.

On the other hand, I am also terrifyingly aware that regardless of how I feel, this little boy is coming out sometime. And it may be some time very soon. And then I think, "Holy Shit! How did I get here? It's all gone by so fast!" And I realize with alarming clarity that although I now know how to be pregnant, and have armed myself with all sorts of knowledge about breastfeeding, birthing, and even child-rearing - I know nothing, really, nothing of what motherhood is or will be for me. I don't know who I will be once this little guy makes his appearance, his permanent, life-altering appearance in our lives. I don't know who he will be. I will learn, I have been told. But it is more than a little frightening all the same. Frightening enough to almost make me beg for more time to figure it all out, as if there is such a thing.

So here I sit - half of me wishing desperately in the still dark hours of morning for some relief, and half of me mourning that this season is almost over. Mourning that soon my womb will be empty. That never again will I feel Poblano rolling over or jabbing me with his pointy-parts. That never again will being a mother be so easy, so contained. That once I have let go of him with my body, I will begin the life-long practice of letting go in a million ways, with my heart. And with that ache - the physical complaints I feel now seem no less painful, but maybe just a bit more bearable.

So - yes, I am ready. Ready for him to come. Ready to meet my son. Ready to trade these pains and discomforts for new ones. But I am also holding on just a bit, knowing that this is our last bit of time together like this. Knowing that soon the quiet nighttime wanderings of my anxious mind will be replaced by something altogether less quiet and less easily controlled. Knowing, in the words of one of my favorite poets, David Whyte:

the good news is: "Everything is waiting for you", the bad news is, "EVERYTHING is waiting for you."