Delayed Reactions.....

Morning Sickness.....aka "all day sickness" and "kicks your ass in the afternoon sickness".

Well, I have been mildly to moderately queasy for weeks. I have had an mild aversion to all things edible but was pushing through and thought I had seen the worst of it. Not so.

This week morning sickness, which for me is really more afternoon to evening sickness, has hit with a vengeance. Whoa. I am still not throwing up but I am having a really hard time eating - nothing tastes appealing except maybe lemonade and 7-up. My body "threatens" to throw up throughout the evening and I feel like I have the worst sea-sickness of my life.

So I am learning to try to do as much as I can in the morning while I still feel somewhat stable. Because once afternoon hits I am pretty much an invalid. So fun for hubby, let me tell you!

O-well. I guess this is a good sign, right? It is weird though, I am weaning off my progesterone supplements (we call them the "hoo-ha pills" around these parts) so I would think I would feel better, not worse - but it seems to be working just the opposite!

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Joy.....pure, unadulterated joy!

Well, one thing does seem to be happening as I near the ten week mark and as the supplements decrease - my moods are sooooo much better.

I can still occasionally feel that darkness just around the edges threatening to creep in - but it isn't as overwhelming. And I still feel incredibly fragile and sensitive, which I guess is normal.

But overall? So so so much better. (although I feel I should whisper that so as not to tempt fate)

This week I have finally felt what I had expected to be feeling all along, tiny moments of pure, tingling, sparkling joy that fills my whole being up. They are still small little moments, but they feel absolutely huge!

Although I still often feel doubts about myself and my ability to mother, those doubts aren't as powerful now. They don't steal away my ability to enjoy this pregnancy and my ability to be in awe of what an incredible gift this baby is. I am truly amazed that this is happening, inside of my body no less! Wow.

I know I will probably find myself in periods of darkness again on and off throughout this pregnancy - and even as I become a mother.....but for now the darkness is abated and the sunlight feels so good!

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Ultrasound pictures!!!!

We had another ultrasound at 8weeks 6days - on Monday. It has taken me this long to post them because I could not get the room to stop spinning and have only been online in short spurts this whole week.

Anyway. Our Poblano baby is absolutely gorgeous if I do say so myself! His/her heart rate was 171 bpm which is great and s/he was moving a little, waving his/her arms and legs at us like s/he was dancing. (on a side note - I cannot wait for the "big" ultrasound so I can stop using all these gender neutral double pronouns) My husband and I both love dancing so this was quite a delight for us to see!

And s/he finally looks like a BABY!!!!!

There were no tears of joy this time (well, maybe from Mr. Spicy) - just huge beaming smiles that filled our whole faces - and a big huge EXHALE!!!!

I feel like I can finally, finally, finally believe this is happening - and it feels as though I am being hit with a big giant wave of emotions....mostly though I feel complete awe and joy.

And I feel so so lucky. I hope I never ever forget just how lucky and blessed we are to be here. I know at any point it could have gone (and truthfully, still could go) many different ways. I know there is nothing we could have done or accomplished to deserve this or to make this happen. This is pure grace. Completely.

And have I mentioned, "Wow!" ?

Anyway, here's the poblano - it's not a great scan but believe me when I say in the actual picture s/he looks like a chubby little cherubic baby.
and apparently I need to clean my scanner.....

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OB appointment!!!

I was officially "released" from CCRM this week - which was, for me, a bittersweet moment. I have honestly had a really good experience with my doctor and the nurses who have worked with me over the last many months. When we were still doing IUIs I never connected as much with them - but once we started IVF they were there for me every step of the way and I will miss them. They know me, they know my craziness, and they "get" me. And they have all been so excited and celebratory for us, from the nurse who draws my blood, to the nurse who does our ultrasounds, to our IVF nurse, all the way up to the doctor herself. It has really been a supportive and positive place for me and it was a little sad to walk out for the last time.

But on the other hand.....I am going to an OB!!!!! That means I am really pregnant! Wooohooo!

So. Today is my first "meet and greet" appointment with my Ob-to-be. There won't be any blood drawn or anything, this is just so I can drill her get to know her and feel comfortable with choosing her to oversee this pregnancy. I will, of course, have a slew of questions to ask her and I hope she will have some questions for me too. But really? I could just walk in and say, "Here's my hand, I will need you to hold it, non-stop, for the next 7 months." and that should pretty much sum it all up. That, and the fact that I will need her home number, and her personal cell phone number, and her address - just in case. Hello! High maintenance, party of one?

Just a side note.....she (my Ob-to-be) goes by the first name "Honey". Yeah. Honey.

I am imagining confusion in the delivery room as I call out to my husband...."Honey?" and my doctor answers instead. :)

The post we have all been waiting for.....

Mr Spicy took the afternoon off so he would be with me when we got the beta results and while he was on his way home, I finally gave into the urge to pee on a stick. But I couldn't look at it. I made him go in the bathroom and look at it first. When he showed me the two lines, I could NOT believe it. I have NEVER seen TWO LINES!!!!! So we did another regular test and the one digital I had (given to me by a friend, leftover from her positive results). And, well...you can see for yourself. Wow. Seriously. Wow.

Then, our nurse, Amber called. She got us both on the phone and let us know that our beta number was great, very strong, at 197. Of course, I still have to go back on Thursday for the 2nd beta to make sure it is doubling as it should. So, I haven't completely exhaled just yet.

I will be starting Prometrium vaginal suppositories today and we'll get my progesterone results tomorrow (they don't run the progesterone test until they get a positive - so it wasn't run until this afternoon). I will go in Thu, then Monday to recheck hormone levels, and then our ultrasound will be either the 22nd or the 23rd. Again, wow.

Seriously. Is this really happening? I am in complete and utter shock! I literally cannot wrap my brain around this!!!!! I feel totally clueless now about being pregnant. I was literally in the midst of making myself a sandwich - you know, forbidden lunch meat and all - when Amber called. I had completely forgotten that lunch meat was off limits during pregnancy. Now I am terrified I am unwittingly doing any number of other idiotic anti-pregnancy things I am not even aware of! Yikes!

When we first began trying 2 and a half years ago, I was reading pregnancy books and websites like crazy - but as we neared a year of trying I put those books and websites away and began devouring infertility literature, and websites, and blogs. So now, I feel completely ignorant of what I am supposed to do or not do..... Oh well, just more for me to learn and obsess about and research. :)

I am so excited and so in shock I don't even have words to describe it. We have waited so so long for this. I cannot believe we are here. We are going to be parents. In a way, we already are.

Wow.

Thank you to EVERYONE - all of you who emailed, commented, called, to wish us well, to let us know you were praying, that you were holding out hope for us. It is no small thing. And I have no words to thank you adequately. But thank you. Thank you. Thank you.


I have been listening to "Sweet Sweet Baby" By Michelle Featherstone all day but cannot figure out how to get the song here to share with you.

I already love this baby (or babies) so much. I already feel like my entire heart is on the line - out there for all the world to see. I have never known a vulnerability quite like this.

I have never known a joy quite like this either.

Welcome little pepper(s), welcome.

We are so happy you have come, we cannot wait to meet you.

You are wanted and loved.

You always have been - you always will be.

Powerlessness revisited

Thanks everyone for being so encouraging and supportive to both me and Mr. Spicy. I think he did a pretty great job with his first blog post. Maybe I will finally convince him to start a blog of his own one day?

Well....bed rest was NOT what I had expected or hoped for.

I had imagined bed rest as this blissfully relaxing time of snuggling in bed with my husband, dreaming of our babies, visualizing the embryos implanting snuggly and safely in the warm, welcoming walls of my uterus. I imagined my body as a peaceful, fertile, serene home that the embryos would return to and quickly, rejoicing in their new accommodations, dig in and began growing. I saw myself knitting my first baby blanket and working my way through the stack of fluffy romantic comedies I had next to the TV. I was sure I would be the valedictorian of bed rest, lying on my back, barely moving, only getting up, very gingerly, to urinate and then returning to my horizontal position with the utmost grace and ease, never disturbing the process at work in my uterus.

Instead.....

Midway through the day on Sunday I began experiencing agonizing pain in my right shoulder. We tried icing it, we tried heat, I took Tylenol. Nothing seemed to help a whole lot. The pain was nerve pain and it radiated down my arm and up my neck. All the muscles in my neck and shoulder began seizing up in response. I could not get comfortable in any position. I was utterly miserable. In the evening the pain moved into my chest. My abdomen also felt full and tender. And I had a low-grade fever of 99.5.

The pain was intense, but the not-knowing why the pain was there was the worst. I knew that right shoulder pain could be a referred pain coming from something in my abdomen and I also knew that an embryo transfer should be relatively painless. All I could do was lie there in pain wondering what could be going wrong, and more importantly, if it was effecting the implantation of our embryos.

We called the clinic on Monday morning. At this point I was feeling tightness in my chest and nausea as well. They had us rush in for an ultrasound and bloodwork. I felt like a failure. I couldn't even make it through the whole 36 hours of bed rest properly. Mr. Spicy got me loaded into the car, reclined, and found a wheelchair at the hospital so I would be on my feet as little as possible. I felt like a complete dork as he wheeled me into our Dr.s office, un-showered, disheveled, and fully panicked.

The ultrasound showed a small amount of free fluid in my abdomen, and still very large ovaries. But, no obvious cause for my pain. And, of course, sitting upright for almost an hour had greatly decreased my pain, leaving me feeling like a big fat faker. So, I am sitting there, feeling like a fool as the Dr. tells me they can find no real reason for my pain: I am not experiencing OHSS as they had suspected but the small amount of blood and/or fluid in my abdomen could have migrated upward, while I was lying horizontally, and caused irritation of my diaphragm which in turn would cause the referred right shoulder pain....make sense? Yeah. So, great news that there was nothing wrong. But now I felt even more stupid for having to get out of bed and rush down there for nothing. As we were leaving a nurse said something about me possibly having a panic attack and I thought: "Great. Just great. They think I am some overly neurotic woman who just had a panic attack convincing herself something was wrong with her." This is especially discouraging because I have worked hard to be a positive and model patient up to this point. Oh well. With humility comes wisdom, right? I can only hope.

So we get home, and I prop myself up in bed having learned that sitting up pretty much eliminates most of the pain I had been plagued with for the past 24 hours. Duh. I am still uncomfortable and achy, but it is much more bearable. But then? Well, then - the painful, cramping, horrid, awful diarrhea begins. And I feel like my body is trying to rid itself of its entire internal contents. And I panic again because this? This does not seem any way conducive to the growth of new life in my belly.

Instead of a serene fertile garden, I feel like an active earthquake with sporadic lightning strikes.

So I spend the rest of the day thinking:

"There is no way this is going to work. My body is rejecting the embryos. My body sucks. My body doesn't want to be pregnant. This isn't how its supposed to be. This isn't how I planned it...."

and then:

" Stop thinking that! Stay positive! Women have become pregnant under far less than ideal circumstances. Everything will be fine! Think positive....imagine the embryos snug inside your uterus, safe and protected...visualize them.....breathe....."

Rinse. Repeat. Ad nauseum.

Until, about 10:30 last night I just lost it. Literally, I was on the floor sobbing so hard that my whole body was shaking. I just couldn't take it anymore. I felt completely worn down. Worn down by the pain. Worn down by the diarrhea. Worn down by hoping. Worn down by discouragement. Worn down by the "what ifs...?" and the "Whys....??". And mostly? Mostly worn down by powerlessness. How completely and utterly powerless I truly am in all of this. And how often I must continually be reminded of that fact.

I had done everything, everything I possibly could. And things had gone really well up until now. So....slowly I had begun to believe again that I might possibly have some teensy tiny ability to have a hand in how this all turns out. I believed that my positivity, my prayers, my will, my efforts might make some difference. I believed that if I could do bed rest "perfectly" it would guarantee that we would be pregnant. But instead, I barely made it through 24 hours of bed rest without having to get up and ride in a car and hop on an exam table, and then to top it all off my body began exploding. I felt like my body was rebelling. I felt like nothing was going the way I had imagined. And I had NO control. And there were NO guarantees.

Over and over in this process I have been confronted by my own powerlessness. This time it completely broke me down.

I lay on the floor sobbing and crying out about how desperately I want to be a mother, how desperately I want this to work, how hard it is to hope this much and have so little ability to control any of it, and how I felt like I had failed at this - this most important time of the whole cycle - the time when the embryos should have a quiet and peaceful place to implant and come home to. I just felt like a complete and utter failure.

I was thoroughly exhausted from holding all of this so carefully only to be reminded how small my hands truly are.

Exhale.

The good news is that today I am in a much better space. I was able to rest in bed most of the day without pain or explosive bodily functions. I was able to enjoy the resting and dream and even hope a little. (I even....gasp!....flipped through a pregnancy book.)

And I realized that the breakdown was good, even necessary. I needed to let go of the belief that if I do this perfectly I will somehow be able to will it to happen. I needed to let go of the panic and fear that I was trying so hard to keep bottled up so neatly. I needed to admit that I was afraid, that hoping this much, that wanting something this deeply - it is hard. It is really hard. I needed to reach out to Mr. Spicy, to admit I needed help with this. And to his credit, he rose to the occasion with a kindness and strength that did not surprise me, but reminded me again why I chose him. Today he asked how I was feeling and I said I was feeling better but still having trouble feeling hopeful after the last couple of days and he replied, "That's ok. I will be hopeful for both of us." And that's why I want to have his babies.

I know that my efforts do matter, my attitude does matters, my prayers do matter. But they do not mean I have power over any of this. And that is still a really hard pill to swallow.

All I can do is wait. And hope.

And that's a lot.


But just for good measure: Does anyone out there have a story of a craptastic bed rest that still resulted in a BFP, just to make me feel better? Hook a sister up!


p.s. just wanted you all to know that logging on this evening and seeing all your supportive, hopeful, kind, loving, and encouraging comments really did wonders for my heart. Thank you. It makes such a huge difference to be reminded that we are not alone. Thank you for holding hope for us.

Because they didn't have anything available at 3am....

So....a little while ago a nurse called. She told me that my transfer would be at 11:15 on Sunday. I would need to be there by 10:15. Great. Perfect. No problems. We scheduled my pregnancy test for May 6th and all was good.

Then she called back:

"We need to change your transfer time on Sunday. Your transfer will be at 7:30am. We need you to be here by 6:30am."

Um, ok.

We will leave our house at 5:30am. It will still be dark.

Of course now I am freaking out - why am I moved earlier? Is it bad luck to possibly be the FIRST transfer of the day? Will the doctor even be AWAKE at that hour?

Also - this means I will have to see my acupuncturist on Saturday instead of the morning of transfer. Because I very much doubt that she likes to see patients at o-dark-thirty in the morning. So now I am worried that will be a bad thing. I know she will tell me it doesn't matter, that the treatment will still *work*. But I can't help but wish it was happening differently.

Talk about having to let go of my control, right?

Ugh. I *know* this is so not a big deal. But still. Freaking out here.

Just because I can.

(I know, it will be fine. They are professionals. An early transfer isn't a bad thing. I know, I know. I will be fine. Just needed to spaz out a little. Sorry.)

Our Very Own Red Hot Chili Peppers.....

The fertilization report is in! 14 eggs fertilized!

They did 9 with ICSI and 8 with "regular" insemination. All 9 of the ICSI eggs fertilized. 5 of the other batch fertilized as well.

We will know more on Friday morning when the embryologist calls with the 3-day report, but for now all looks good and we are planning on a 5 day transfer on Sunday.

I still am in disbelief that we are here. That our embryos are fertilized and growing. That in a lab, across town, my eggs and Mr. Spicy's sperm have finally united and created 14 little unique and mysterious beings. This is the first time that we are aware of that this has ever happened. It feels completely magical.

Mr. Spicy and I talked on the phone earlier and he commented on how well every step of this has gone. We are amazed at how smoothly it has all transpired. But it does leave us with this nagging question: "Why didn't it just happen on its own?" Because we have unexplained infertility and have absolutely no clue as to why we haven't been able to conceive on our own, we thought surely the IVF process would shine light on a particular area that may have been holding us up. Maybe there wouldn't be enough eggs, or they wouldn't be the best quality, or they wouldn't fertilize well..... Don't get me wrong - we are so incredibly thankful that everything has gone so well - perfectly in fact. And at this point we are desperately hoping our great fortune continues. We know we aren't out of the woods yet, by far. But, it does leave us wondering and a little nervous that the part that has been preventing us from conceiving is still to be revealed....


Because my blog name, and my family's nickname for me is Spicy Sister, my middle sister came up with the brilliant idea that we refer to our embryos as peppers. She even provided me with a short list of pepper names I could use.

So, I am going back and forth between calling them our "Pepper Patch" and calling them our "Red Hot Chile Peppers" - I think I like the latter the best...it suits my rock-n-roll roots and makes me think of our future children as becoming spicy little peppers (just like their mama) - adding lots more flavor to the world every day. What do you think?

We are also still picking our pepper-related names for the two that we will transfer. Poblano and Serano are at the top of our list right now....any other suggestions?

***Pepper picture borrowed from here.*** ***Day 1 Embryo picture borrowed from here***

Might as well stock up on the tie-dye now....

"You can arrest me later!" - Not words you would expect to come out of your husband's mouth to a police officer...and yet?

Yesterday, we left early to make our 1pm appt. Which is good, because the two of us together are chronically late and planning to arrive by 12:30 means we might actually make it there by 1pm. Well, all was going well until we hit a major traffic jam at our highway exit. Cars were barely moving and minutes were ticking by. We began to freak out about making it to our appt on time.

So, Mr. Spicy pulled onto the shoulder and began to navigate his way around all the other cars waiting in line. Personally, I felt torn - I HATE when people do this, it's pretty rude and it certainly violates the small "rule follower" inside of me - but on the other hand, we had a very important time-sensitive appointment to attend to. So I kind of crouched down in my seat, trying to avoid the scornful stares of those we were passing by.

Next thing I know, we are being pulled over. Mr. Spicy stops the car and jumps out - running back to the officer's car and yelling something to him about our appointment. I then hear something come out of Mr. Spicy's mouth that filled me with complete panic:

"You can arrest me later! We have an appointment to make."

I then realize that Mr. Spicy's brain is obviously not working properly at this moment, so I get out of the car to try to smooth things over. The officer directs us back to our car, takes Mr. Spicy's pertinent papers and tells us that we were being stupid, we could have caused an accident, etc...etc... All the while I am frantically relating how important it is that we make it there by 1, and that I am about to undergo ANESTHESIA!!!! Don't you understand, sir? ANESTHESIA!!!! Ok, so maybe I am a bit of a drama queen - just a bit.

Thankfully, he took pity on us, gave us one more stern warning and let us go with (I am not kidding here): "Go forth and sin no more."

As we drove away we began laughing hysterically and couldn't stop laughing until we were sitting in the 2nd floor waiting room awaiting our procedures. Literally, I was doubled over in the elevator laughing so hard I could barely breathe! I simply could not believe all of that had just happened! If you know Mr. Spicy, you are well aware how out of character it would be for him to do that. Except, here's the thing. Mr. Spicy can get crazy fierce if someone is interfering with the care of someone he loves. He's someone you want advocating for you if you are ever in a hospital, to be sure. But he is just not typically the high-strung or yelling type. So it just added to the complete bizarreness of the whole situation.

But, we made it. On time. With 5 minutes to spare. Whew!

And, who should be waiting for us in the parking lot but my wonderful and amazing counselor, Sharon, with a big bouquet of flowers for me and a giant hug. She lives close to the center and had come and waited in the parking lot to see us briefly before we went in. I felt badly for making her wait so long since we thought we would have been there 20 minutes prior, but it was soooo good to see her. I am still incredibly humbled and grateful that she reached out to us this way on our big day. She has a truly beautiful heart. Thank you Sharon.

And on that note, I am really humbled by and grateful for all the amazing support I have received over the last several days through emails, comments on my blog, phone calls, and a very sweet e-card. There have been so many moments in this journey that felt so lonely and isolating. But yesterday felt very far from that. Yesterday I felt held, and loved, and cheered on by all the words and blessings and prayers that so many of you gave to me, to us. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Ok - so I won't make you read any further before I give you the news......we got 17 Eggs!!!!!!

Yep! 17!

We haven't gotten the fertilization report in yet because our retrieval was so late in the day (we were literally the last ones there....they were shutting all the lights off as we walked out). The embryologist said we should hear from them by noon or so.....

There was a scare yesterday when the nurse told us they were worried about me hyper-stimulating and they began to go over all the risks of hyper-stimulation with me, talked about the possibility of having to freeze all of the embryos if I was too hyper-stimulated to make it to transfer, and gave me IV meds to pull some of the fluid from my abdomen. I had been feeling pretty good and positive until that point, and then I just got very quiet and anxious. Mr. Spicy, who has become quite the optimist through all of this, just kept telling me, "Everything will be fine. You will be fine." and teased me about needing to be such an over-achiever all the time that I just produced so many follicles that they were a little worried.

And, Mr. Spicy was right. Again. I won't tell you what I owe him for this. But, after a night of eating super-salty foods (mmmmm, french fries... Doritos.... salted nuts....cheeseburger....), drinking my weight in Gatorade, waking up hourly to pee, and losing 5+ pounds between last night and this morning in fluid alone - I went in this morning bright and early for an ultrasound. And the ultrasound showed virtually no fluid in my abdomen. Yay!!! Plus, Carrie - my all time favorite ultrasonographer did the u/s and I got to meet with Amber, my nurse. It was really good to see them after spending most of the day yesterday with so many people I had never met before. Seeing Carrie and Amber feels like getting to see "my team".

So, good news. 17 follicles. No severe hyper-stimulation. And we are planning on a 5 day transfer on Sunday.

One more thing....

yesterday's conversation in the car (prior to the police incident):

Me: My eggs are being harvested on Earth Day, isn't that cool???

Mr. S: Yes, that's really cool.

(repeat x 3)

Me: But you know what???? What's really cool? Our babies are being conceived today! On Earth Day!!!!

Mr. S: Yep.

(repeat x 3)

Me: So, we'll always be able to tell them: "You were conceived on Earth Day". How cool is that?

Mr. S: There's no hope now. We are definitely having hippie babies. Might as well stock up on the tie-dye now.

Stims: Day 8....everything looks great! (why do I feel so weird?)

Well, we made it to The Palace (as Denise appropriately refers to it) by 8:30am this morning, despite being up until 1:30am and having to drive nearly 40 minutes to get there. This is CCRM's main office - where all the magic happens, where I committed RE stalking not too long ago. It is quite impressive. Driving up to an entire building devoted to infertility - it's a little awe inspiring.

I got my first real peek behind the doors of this mansion of reproductive technology. Wow. I am used to going to the satellite office, which is just that, merely an office - well, a suite of rooms and offices really - that takes up roughly a corner of one floor of a building attached to a hospital. At any one time I may see a total of 3, maybe 4 nurses in the halls or rooms as I pass through. At the Palace, as we were ushered into the ultrasound room, I saw dozens of people coming in and out of rooms, waiting in chairs, walking down hallways. It felt like I had been brought into a secret underground world of the future - all the technology, the talk of blood work, drugs, follicles, etc....and the absence of men. Except for Mr. Spicy, that is. He came back to watch the ultrasound, sat with me during our consult with the nurse, and waited with me for my blood draw. And boy did he get an earful.

The biggest difference for me at the Palace was how talkative all the other patients were. As we waited for our blood draws, women would sit and share intimate details about their cycles, the side effects they may be experiencing, where they were from (if from out of town), etc. I kind of liked this instant intimacy and openness but it definitely caught me off guard. At my usual office there are rarely more than 2-3 people waiting in the waiting room at one time and all of us smile politely at eachother and read our magazines as we wait. At the Palace, women asked eachother about their retrieval dates, what meds they were taking, how injections were going - it was really wild. All that was missing was a little coffee.

And Mr. Spicy sat there, listening and engaging these women with interest and compassion. When I returned from my blood draw, I found him listening intently as a woman was relating details about something to do with her cycle to him. And I had to wait for her to finish her story before I could retrieve my husband and leave. It made me smile. On the way home, he related to me what each woman had shared and we both wished them all success with their cycles.

So....now for my numbers....

Follicles: 16-18

Size : 1.5 - 2.0

lining: "about 13"

No Gonal F shot tonight, and only 1 vial of Menopur in the morning again. Then we hit the Palace bright and early at 8:30am once more. woo hoo.

I missed the call from the nurse with my results and on her message she just told me my meds dosages but not my blood results. I know that knowing the exact numbers doesn't change anything - but I like to have them. Kinda bummed I didn't get them today. Actually, this is something I have noticed with several of the nurses who I have dealt with recently - they will tell me "everything looks good!" but I have to ask for specific numbers, measurements, results. It makes me wonder - am I the weird one here, or are they? It seems really normal for me to want as much information as possible, to be tracking this progress as closely as they are - to be educated at each step. But maybe that's unusual? Maybe I am just a complete control freak and most patients feel secure with a simple, "everything looks good..."? My usual nurse and ultrasonographer are really great about giving me as much info as possible without my having to ask - it's just the nurses who I don't usually deal with who do this. So maybe they just automatically take the "less is more" approach with info unless you ask? I will be asking. I'm just saying.


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After my appointment, I headed out to meet with the Colobloggers. I have been excited for this meeting all month. There are quite a few of us in the midst of a cycle or preparing to start a cycle, or just getting closer in general. It is exciting and I am hoping for a very fruitful and fertile Spring for us all. I really enjoyed seeing everyone and getting to meet Jen for the very first time.

I felt weird though - socially awkward. And I can't discern whether I am just imagining this, whether the social awkwardness was all mine, or whether the meeting just had a different vibe than last time. I think it may be a combination of all three. I certainly was not at my best - sleep deprived, hormonal, spacey, and dealing with my social anxiety by becoming overly talkative and extroverted - I just felt so out of it.

It is especially hard when I know so many of these women read my blog, and I comment on theirs. And in the blogging world, I can sit with someone's words, I can ponder them, I can respond with thoughtfulness and compassion. I can also present my own ramblings through well thought-out posts and useful editing that help me to reveal my truest self. But when we meet up in person - well, there's no spell check, to put it mildly. And I fear that my real life personality will not live up to my blogging personality.

Honestly, lately I have had trouble connecting with everyone I have met with over the last week. I don't know if it is hormones, stress, or just a result of being immersed in my own world at the moment - but I just feel like I am not communicating well or connecting well with people. I find things coming out of my mouth that I didn't mean to say, as if I have no internal censor. I find myself having trouble relating and responding in the ways I would like to. Ugh. And then, then, I feel shameful about it all. Because I really want to connect, and I want to be better than this at hearing people, listening to them, and responding to them - I want to be able to be myself at my very best. To give to others from my very best.

I wasn't at my very best today. Sorry for that, ladies. Mostly, I hope I didn't step on anyone's toes, offend anyone, or stifle anyone else from expressing themselves. I could see how, at different points this morning, I might have. And that so was not my intention or desire. So, I am sorry.

But it was really good to see everyone. Really.

Day 4 of Stims...

Follicles: 15+ ....ranging from .8 - 1.3cm with most about 1.1-1.2cm

Lining: 12 !!! (can this get TOO big?)

Waiting on blood results and dosage instructions for tonight and tomorrow.

It's amazing how nerve-wracking this all is, even when it is all going so well!



I saw my wonderful counselor yesterday and one of the interesting thoughts I am taking away from my time with her is this:

What if we measured our personal growth with as much excitement and attention as we measure these follicles? We get excited over each millimeter in growth, the entire process depends on such minuscule measurements being just the right size at just the right time - what if we allowed ourselves to be that hopeful, to pay that much attention to the tiny bits of growth that happen in our hearts, in our lives, in our relationships from day to day?


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Updated to add:

Estrogen: 1182

Progesterone: 0.4

LH: 3.9

- Updated protocol:
tonight - 150 Gonal F

tomorrow - 2 vials Menopur, 75 Gonal F

Sat. - 1 vial Menopur

No appt tomorrow. Next bw and u/s is Saturday - at the main center (the one I stalked a couple week ago).

It will be nice to have a legitimate reason to go check it out. :)

Had acupuncture today and met a good friend for a walk. I was feeling kinda funky this morning, but I think the acupuncture is helping - I feel a little better right now. But I am soooooooo tired!!!!

Yawn. Must nap. Now.

And we are on our way....

Day 4 of stims:

Went in for bloodwork, ultrasound, and pre-op physical today.

Iron: 15.4 (above 12 is good)

Follicles: 12 around the same size (.8-1.0 cm) and 4-5 smaller ones.

Uterine lining: 9.5

So far everything looks really really good! I will get the bloodwork results this afternoon. Originally I wasn't scheduled to go back until Thu, but Amber said I may need to come back tomorrow since everything is looking so good and I have responded so well so quickly.

We talked with Amber for awhile at the end of the appointment and she commented that each time I come in I seem more at peace and more calm and happy. It was good to hear this since I feel like I have been working pretty hard at taking good care of myself during this time, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. She talked us through the whole process again, always saying, "when you get your positive pregnancy test", "at your first ultrasound...", " the bloodwork will show that you are pregnant"....etc. I really appreciated this. The positivity, the absoluteness of "I will" be pregnant. I beamed at Mr. Spicy all the way home and kept repeating: "Twelve! Twelve honey! That's eleven more than I make on my own! That's such a good number!"

I feel really really happy with these results. I know the numbers are just that: numbers. But right now I feel so proud of my body for doing exactly what she is supposed to be doing and I am feeling so hopeful and excited I can barely stand it!!!

I'll update this when I get the bloodwork back this afternoon - I'll also add that salmon recipe too since so many of you asked about it.

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Updated to add:

Blood work results:

Estrogen: 534
Progesterone: 0.2
LH: 3.0

I don't have a real clear idea what all these numbers mean but the nurse calling said they were all in the good range. Amber told us earlier today that today's bloodwork would not mean a whole lot since this is really just the beginning.

I am still to do 300u of Gonal F tonight, and 2 vials of Menopur in the morning, but tomorrow night I decrease the Gonal F dosage to 150. Then Thu morning we will do u/s and b/w again and see what's what. I am curious about the decreasing dosage tomorrow night? Maybe they are just slowing me down? I will have to ask more questions on Thu. Any thoughts on this?

and....I will get that salmon recipe up. But I have to go make dinner now (Spaghetti Bolognese) and I am really wiped out - I think I got 3 or 4 hours of sleep last night.

Thanks for all the good wishes and support! It is really encouraging - more than you could imagine.

Snow and Fire

It is snowing today. But it is supposed to be in the 60s this weekend. That's Denver for you. I am kind of thankful for the snow, gives me an excuse to hole up at home and it also helps me not feel like a slacker for not getting any planting done yet. The warm weather over the last few weeks had been making me feel a bit behind the ball as far as Spring planting goes. The snow makes me feel like I still have some time to get it all started.

Had my suppression check today: ultrasound and bloodwork. The ultrasound showed no cysts! I was really worried about that since I had a couple cysts back when we were doing IUIs. But all looked clear. And just to be sure, I chased the ultrasonographer down the hall after she placed me in a room to wait for my blood draw, and I asked her if she was "really really sure there were no cysts.....because you know, it was hard to see my ovaries with that part of my bowel in the way, and I did see some follicles - were those just antrals?" And she assured me that everything was fine, there was NO cyst - she would not have missed it, and the antral follicles were a GOOD sign. And then she wrote something in my chart - probably something like, "Difficult", or "High Maintenance", or "Crazy Bitch". I got the call this afternoon that my Estrogen was 47 (they want it under 50 to start stims) and my Progesterone was <.2 (they want it under 1 to start stims). So we are good to go!!! Stims start on Saturday!

But, if my Estrogen and Progesterone are so low - why am I acting like a total psycho? Ok, not a TOTAL psycho - it could definitely, definitely be worse. But, if my hormones are so low - why did I accuse my husband of deliberately choosing to brush his teeth last night while I was looking for my phone so that he could deliberately choose not to hear my cries from downstairs to help me look for it? I thought it was Estrogen that made me act that way? Is it just me? If so, please don't tell Mr. Spicy - the hormones excuse is the only reason he hasn't moved into the office, yet.

Ok - so I am half joking. Although the accusation I just described did in fact occur last night - for the most part I am doing much much better than I expected. I have these rages and they come and go - and that sucks. And I have been feeling off balance and that is hard, especially when I am trying so hard to stay grounded in all of this. But I know all of this could be so much worse. And frankly? Even if it were? I am not complaining. Not really complaining, anyway. Because I would go through so much more (this is not an invitation) - I would walk through fire - to become a mother, to have our baby.

And I know so many of you reading this would do the same.

Here's to walking through the fire....

On the lam....

Just a quick update....

Well, they told me it was a good sign that the cytotec caused so much cramping last night - they said that meant it was working - doing the work for me of opening up my cervix so it wouldn't be so hard to place the laminaria. And it definitely did work. The lam placement was super quick - I have had paps that were longer and it went very smoothly - I didn't feel a thing! So, that was good.

On the way home I did begin to experience some discomfort, cramping and slight nausea - and now, about 3 hours post-lam I am really starting to feel it. At this point it feels like really bad menstrual cramps and gets worse the more I move around. I took more Ibuprofen (they said that was best to take for this and that it is ok to take for today) - and we'll just wait and see. They worst part for me is feeling the pain get worse and knowing it is because of this thing inside of me that I cannot remove till tomorrow. Feels like being held hostage.

Thanks so much for all the support ladies! I did imagine you holding my hand - and I think it really helped! Thanks for being such a great support to me!

Ok - back to laying down. I have so much to do today...but it just hurts too much to be too active. I keep thinking it could be so much worse though.... so I am ok. If this gets me one step closer to becoming a mama, I will take it!

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Update:

At about 5pm the pain just went away! I could still feel some very minor cramping, and my back was a little achy - but suddenly I just felt much much better. I even got a lot of house cleaning and organizing done and even ran to Target.

This morning I was dreading the "removal" - but it wasn't too bad. (the squat position worked well for me Jen) - Gross - but not too bad at all.

One hurdle down, I feel like wonderwoman! Yay!

And the madness begins....

This morning I gave myself my first Lupron injection. It was pretty easy. I had a moment of panic before plunging the needle into my tummy - but then realized no one else was there to do it for me (Mr. Spicy was on an airplane at the time, on his way home from a week long business trip) and so I did it. And it was honestly so NOT a big deal that I then began to panic and wonder if I had done it correctly, given myself enough, etc. etc. Because the first injection of my IVF cycle just could not go that smoothly. Eh, I guess I was wrong.

My counselor today asked how I would commemorate my first day of injectable hormones - really the "start" of it all. It was hard to answer that because I feel like I have been in the beginning of the beginning since I had my period and 2 days later started BCPs. For me, that was really the start of it all. And I have been doing small things to commemorate that and acknowledge that ever since. But, this is the start of the next big step. And it is important.

So - I left my counselors office today and driving away I realized I was in the same 'hood as the big main office for CCRM - the palace of baby making if you will - where we will end up for any weekend ultrasounds and ultimately for the retrieval and transfer - the place where I will officially be "knocked up" and where our child(ren) will be conceived. Wow. So. I decided to go explore and find it. I drove around a bit and found it without too much trouble. I thought I would just take a peak inside, you know kind of say hello to the place. Well, walking in, I ran into a nurse wheeling a woman out in a wheelchair who looked dazed and weepy. The nurse helped the woman into the car that her husband (I assume?) had pulled up to the door for her and wished them luck. I wondered whether she had just had a retrieval or a transfer. I felt like I had peeked in on a private and sacred moment for the woman. I silently wished her luck as well. When I stepped in the doors, it didn't look at all like what I imagined. It was just the lobby - there were elevators, a welcome desk and a lot of cushy chairs. It was beautiful - and empty - so it was pretty obvious that I had just come in, windblown and all. I felt weird so I surveyed the room and quickly turned and left. I wondered if anyone had noticed - what they thought of some disheveled woman running in, hair a mess, only to look around and run out. I laughed when I got in the car, making up funny stories of who I could be - like a stalker of infertility clinics or something.

SO - that is what I did to commemorate this next big step - I stalked my fertility clinic. Yep. That's me. But you know? It did feel cool to actually see the building, to know that in a few short weeks I will be the woman in the wheel chair - I will be gingerly climbing into the car that Mr. Spicy has pulled up to the door. I will be riding home full of hope, anticipation, and a couple little passengers along for the ride.

I kind of can't wait.

"The wings are wide..."

"I feel it all. I feel it all.
The wings are wide. The wings are wide.
Wild card inside. Wild card inside."

By far, the most memorable moment yesterday was sitting in our car in the parking garage before our appointment. Mr. Spicy and I cranked the radio up loud and we sang/yelled along to Feist's, "I feel it all". It got us all pumped up and ready to face whatever would lie ahead in the RE's office. I am just loving this song with my entire being right now. I have listened to it like 4 billion times in the last week.

It just resonates deeply with my desire to stay present in this whole process, to "feel it all". I usually yell this part at the top of my lungs - like a mantra meant to reach the deepest hidden caves within me - reminding me that I am here and I want to feel every part of this - I want to be present for all of it.

"The wings are wide..." - I think this really speaks to my hope. I am choosing to imagine myself strong and empowered and free in this process - not oppressed by it. I literally visualize my arms wide open to embrace everything that lies ahead and the wings wide to carry me through it.

"Wild card inside"...well - this just points to the risk and the chances we are taking....and this "wild card" that will literally be transfered into my body. There are no guarantees here...biggest gamble of my life!

"I know more than I knew before" - isn't this just so true for anyone getting to this place? I know so much more than I knew before - things I wished I never had the need to know - but nevertheless, I know them now.

"I don't know what I knew before, but now I know I wanna win the war." - This feels like my rallying cry right now - I want to win this war! I am filled with uncertainty, and still reeling in ways from the journey it took to get here, but dammit - I want to win this thing! I want to be a mamma, I want to be pregnant, to give birth, to breastfeed, the whole package - and I want IVF to work for us, to allow us to do this. I must believe, I do believe, that it will. I want this war to end - and soon.

This concludes the interpretive music portion of this blog post.......now for the juicy details:

It was a really good visit overall. They moved us through from blood draw, to semen collection, to hysteroscopy, to ultrasound, to regroup, to consult, with the ease of a well-oiled machine. Nice when it works that way!

We had our blood drawn - quick and painlessly. (Ruby is the best!)

Ultrasound went smoothly. My uterine lining was superb. The blood flow to my uterus was great. The ultrasound tech/nurse (not sure which she is) was really kind and talked me through everything she saw, which I really appreciated. She sure knows her stuff!

We had a little issue with the hysteroscopy - apparently I have a very tight spot where my cervix is basically clamped down right at the opening. They never had a problem getting the catheter in for the IUIs, but the IVF catheter is much more pliable and wiggly - so this tight spot could cause issues. The RE said that she worries about it "crushing the embryos" at the transfer. That is NOT a comforting image. Initially she thought I had a bend in my cervix but it turns out that my cervix is just a little uptight. (ha!) Thankfully, there is a solution. 3-4 weeks prior to transfer, the Dr. will insert a laminaria stick into my cervix. This little seaweed stick (yes, it is REALLY a stick made of seaweed) will sit in my cervical opening for 24 hrs and fill with fluid, slowly dilating my cervix. Wooohooo! (Actually - I think it is kinda cool really).

Because of this spot in my cervical opening, Dr. Deb had to work a little harder for the hysteroscopy. They numbed my cervix with local anesthetic injections and then she got right in and looked around. The actual procedure was not too bad - I just kept breathing and trying to relax during the whole thing. Dr. Deb said my uterus looked "perfect" and then kept commending me for doing "great", doing "amazing". I kept saying, "Thanks!" But was puzzled as to why she and the nurse seemed to think I performed so well. It seemed like they thought I should be in more pain. But I was ok, really. Until several hours later - when the local wore off (at least I am assuming that's what happened) - and the lower part of my abdomen just felt really pissed off and inflamed and ready to kick someone's ass. I understand. I do.

So, while I was in the chambers of vaginal poking, Mr. Spicy was in his own little chamber, having "fun with the cup". We then met back up for our re-group with Dr. Deb and our IVF consult with our nurse, Amber.

Our re-group was great. I honestly cannot say enough good things about Dr. Deb (Minjarez) - the more time I spend with her, the more I adore her! She gave me a huge hug when she came in to do the hysteroscopy, and later when she met with us together she was just so kind and encouraging, and warm. She confirmed that she will look at my chart every day and that she will sign off on every decision made, every test run. SHE will determine our protocol and adjust it based upon results throughout the cycle. This was really comforting. Plus, she never rolls her eyes or laughs at any of the crazy questions I come in with. And, let me tell you, I have given her some doozies!

Our IVF nurse Amber seems really amazing as well. I feel really lucky to have her and Dr. Deb working on our case together. She has this great combination of warmth, kindness, humor, and just absolute competency and expertise. She also did not roll her eyes or laugh at me - which can be quite the feat at times, I am sure. She gave us our "IVF bible" - literally a huge binder filled with everything we will need to know, understand, and digest for our IVF cycle. She then went through the binder with us - which was really helpful. She also let us know that as an IVF coordinator she and the other IVF coordinators are there for us completely. All they deal with is IVF. She said I could call her every single day of the cycle if I needed to (I may test her on this one!) - and really made us feel like ANY questions, ANY issues that arise for us during this process will be taken seriously and responded to promptly with understanding.

Now of course, I know that how things seem now and how they may actually end up may be very different. But for right now, we feel like we are investing this money in receiving this amazing service and care for what feels like it will be the biggest and most important medical adventure of our lives. This alone, this peace of mind, this feeling that the people taking care of us care about us, are going to be available to us, are going to do everything within their power to get us pregnant, and are really really good at what they do - this? It's worth every penny. Add the possibility of finally having a child, and well - it is truly priceless.

So....in less than 3 weeks I will start BCPs (birth control pills for those not immersed in the IF world). This will allow us to start the IVF cycle with a clean slate - Once this begins, we are ON!!!!! Amber made our schedule and it predicts us for a retrieval around the end of April. We could be pregnant by May!!!!

We are both overwhelmed by all the information and what lies ahead - but we both feel strangely excited and giddy about it all too.....

I feel it all. I feel it all.
The wings are wide. The wings are wide.