March 01, 2008

"The wings are wide..."

"I feel it all. I feel it all.
The wings are wide. The wings are wide.
Wild card inside. Wild card inside."

By far, the most memorable moment yesterday was sitting in our car in the parking garage before our appointment. Mr. Spicy and I cranked the radio up loud and we sang/yelled along to Feist's, "I feel it all". It got us all pumped up and ready to face whatever would lie ahead in the RE's office. I am just loving this song with my entire being right now. I have listened to it like 4 billion times in the last week.

It just resonates deeply with my desire to stay present in this whole process, to "feel it all". I usually yell this part at the top of my lungs - like a mantra meant to reach the deepest hidden caves within me - reminding me that I am here and I want to feel every part of this - I want to be present for all of it.

"The wings are wide..." - I think this really speaks to my hope. I am choosing to imagine myself strong and empowered and free in this process - not oppressed by it. I literally visualize my arms wide open to embrace everything that lies ahead and the wings wide to carry me through it.

"Wild card inside"...well - this just points to the risk and the chances we are taking....and this "wild card" that will literally be transfered into my body. There are no guarantees here...biggest gamble of my life!

"I know more than I knew before" - isn't this just so true for anyone getting to this place? I know so much more than I knew before - things I wished I never had the need to know - but nevertheless, I know them now.

"I don't know what I knew before, but now I know I wanna win the war." - This feels like my rallying cry right now - I want to win this war! I am filled with uncertainty, and still reeling in ways from the journey it took to get here, but dammit - I want to win this thing! I want to be a mamma, I want to be pregnant, to give birth, to breastfeed, the whole package - and I want IVF to work for us, to allow us to do this. I must believe, I do believe, that it will. I want this war to end - and soon.

This concludes the interpretive music portion of this blog for the juicy details:

It was a really good visit overall. They moved us through from blood draw, to semen collection, to hysteroscopy, to ultrasound, to regroup, to consult, with the ease of a well-oiled machine. Nice when it works that way!

We had our blood drawn - quick and painlessly. (Ruby is the best!)

Ultrasound went smoothly. My uterine lining was superb. The blood flow to my uterus was great. The ultrasound tech/nurse (not sure which she is) was really kind and talked me through everything she saw, which I really appreciated. She sure knows her stuff!

We had a little issue with the hysteroscopy - apparently I have a very tight spot where my cervix is basically clamped down right at the opening. They never had a problem getting the catheter in for the IUIs, but the IVF catheter is much more pliable and wiggly - so this tight spot could cause issues. The RE said that she worries about it "crushing the embryos" at the transfer. That is NOT a comforting image. Initially she thought I had a bend in my cervix but it turns out that my cervix is just a little uptight. (ha!) Thankfully, there is a solution. 3-4 weeks prior to transfer, the Dr. will insert a laminaria stick into my cervix. This little seaweed stick (yes, it is REALLY a stick made of seaweed) will sit in my cervical opening for 24 hrs and fill with fluid, slowly dilating my cervix. Wooohooo! (Actually - I think it is kinda cool really).

Because of this spot in my cervical opening, Dr. Deb had to work a little harder for the hysteroscopy. They numbed my cervix with local anesthetic injections and then she got right in and looked around. The actual procedure was not too bad - I just kept breathing and trying to relax during the whole thing. Dr. Deb said my uterus looked "perfect" and then kept commending me for doing "great", doing "amazing". I kept saying, "Thanks!" But was puzzled as to why she and the nurse seemed to think I performed so well. It seemed like they thought I should be in more pain. But I was ok, really. Until several hours later - when the local wore off (at least I am assuming that's what happened) - and the lower part of my abdomen just felt really pissed off and inflamed and ready to kick someone's ass. I understand. I do.

So, while I was in the chambers of vaginal poking, Mr. Spicy was in his own little chamber, having "fun with the cup". We then met back up for our re-group with Dr. Deb and our IVF consult with our nurse, Amber.

Our re-group was great. I honestly cannot say enough good things about Dr. Deb (Minjarez) - the more time I spend with her, the more I adore her! She gave me a huge hug when she came in to do the hysteroscopy, and later when she met with us together she was just so kind and encouraging, and warm. She confirmed that she will look at my chart every day and that she will sign off on every decision made, every test run. SHE will determine our protocol and adjust it based upon results throughout the cycle. This was really comforting. Plus, she never rolls her eyes or laughs at any of the crazy questions I come in with. And, let me tell you, I have given her some doozies!

Our IVF nurse Amber seems really amazing as well. I feel really lucky to have her and Dr. Deb working on our case together. She has this great combination of warmth, kindness, humor, and just absolute competency and expertise. She also did not roll her eyes or laugh at me - which can be quite the feat at times, I am sure. She gave us our "IVF bible" - literally a huge binder filled with everything we will need to know, understand, and digest for our IVF cycle. She then went through the binder with us - which was really helpful. She also let us know that as an IVF coordinator she and the other IVF coordinators are there for us completely. All they deal with is IVF. She said I could call her every single day of the cycle if I needed to (I may test her on this one!) - and really made us feel like ANY questions, ANY issues that arise for us during this process will be taken seriously and responded to promptly with understanding.

Now of course, I know that how things seem now and how they may actually end up may be very different. But for right now, we feel like we are investing this money in receiving this amazing service and care for what feels like it will be the biggest and most important medical adventure of our lives. This alone, this peace of mind, this feeling that the people taking care of us care about us, are going to be available to us, are going to do everything within their power to get us pregnant, and are really really good at what they do - this? It's worth every penny. Add the possibility of finally having a child, and well - it is truly priceless. less than 3 weeks I will start BCPs (birth control pills for those not immersed in the IF world). This will allow us to start the IVF cycle with a clean slate - Once this begins, we are ON!!!!! Amber made our schedule and it predicts us for a retrieval around the end of April. We could be pregnant by May!!!!

We are both overwhelmed by all the information and what lies ahead - but we both feel strangely excited and giddy about it all too.....

I feel it all. I feel it all.
The wings are wide. The wings are wide.


Lori said...

Feist's videos are amazing. Both that I've seen have had complicated and synchronized choreography, and have been done with one camera shot. I wonder how many times they have to shoot them?

There's nothing like a great song that open you up and carries you through. I'm glad you're in good hands with Dr M (did I tell you she was my RE, too?), and that you are taking steps toward your goal.

Denise said...

So glad you are on your way! The information is a little overwhelming, isn't it? If you have any questions about the laminaria, Jen (Mama Wannabe) has done this before and I'm sure she'd be more than willing to answer any questions.

Love the Feist song.

Anonymous said...

Duffy, I wish you the best. I found your blog through Stef's. Im Jen (offlikeapromdress on BG's). I hope things work out for you both!!!

You can catch my blog at

Jen said...

Yay! It sounds like everything is going really well. And CCRM with their little schedules and such keeps you right on track.

And like Denise said, I had the laminaria for my uncooperative cervix. For my fresh cycle, I didn't have it and didn't think it went bad. But when we used it for my FET, it was sooo much easier.

I have to warn to you though, I found it more painful than anything I've done with them. Retrieval, injections, etc. Nothing was like the laminaria. But I can scare you later. :)