March 03, 2008

Conspiring for her good....

I found out today that Grandma Penny has taken a turn for the worse. She has been readmitted to the hospital after being home with constant supervision for less than 2 weeks. My aunt has been working around the clock since she was allowed to go home. She has ensured that Grandma has had someone dependable and loving (usually my aunt) at her side 24 hours a day without exception. Unfortunately, Grandma is experiencing further mental deterioration and has become violent to others and has made threats to herself. So, she's back in the hospital until they can find a suitable facility for her.

All of us know that once she is in a facility she may just continue to deteriorate even further. I feel like we are losing her. It makes me so anxious not to be there with her and the rest of my family right now.

Initially, when she had the stroke, I thought I would wait until they knew more, until things had calmed down enough so that I wouldn't be in the way if I came out. Then, I wanted to come at a time when it would be best and most helpful for my aunt and everyone else. Now, I just want to be there. I want to see her.

My mom is heading there tomorrow to spend a week with her. I may go out after that. We are trying to figure out the timing and expense of it all. We will do whatever we need to. Of course.

Ok, so here's where I might lose some of you....

I am thinking right now of an experience I had today. I was in an appointment with Shelley. She was leading me through a visualization of all the friends, all the family, all the healers, all the people in my life right now who are supporting me and walking with me through this journey towards motherhood. The people, my team, they were holding hands around me in a circle. Beyond that circle were literally hundreds of others: wise old women, women with full pregnant bellies, young women, and men too - from all over the world. There were also children, hundreds of children, and they were running in and out of the crowd of people. The children were diverse and absolutely beautiful - and they laughed and laughed as they played.

All of these people, all of them, were sending me blessings. They were all wanting for me, for us, what I myself have wanted for so long. I could see that all of them were working together for my good. I knew that the hundreds on the outside of the circle were connected to me - they are connected to my soul, either directly - or through their connection with those holding hands around me. Some of them are teachers, some are healers, some are spirit guides, some are angels, some are ancestors, some are just loving souls....but all are here to help me. To help us.

I am thinking of this right now because as I think of my Grandma and I think of her deterioration, her confusion, her anger, her loss of pieces of herself and I think how inside of it all she must feel so alone, so misunderstood.

I wish for her this image: That she would see all of us who love her, all who are praying, all the medical staff working on her behalf, all those who she has touched with her life - that she would see all of us surrounding her with arms entwined, creating a safe place for her, creating a place of peace. Then, just outside of this circle - I hope she sees all those who stand behind us, who love us, who have given us guidance and support and healing - and that she knows that all of us, all of us, all of us are sending her our blessings and peace ...

...all of us are conspiring for her good.

She is deeply loved.


Denise said...

I'm so sorry. I hope you get to go see her.

Meg said...

Are you headed out to visit her? I am so sorry - this is tough, especially to hear/see them change in personality. Let me know if you need anything.