I just met with a dear friend tonight and as I relayed all that has gone on in the last 6 days, I realized I wasn't feeling much about any of it. It is as if I have just maxed out.
I remember feeling really good and then a little freaked out, and then really good again after Friday's appointment. I remember feeling relieved and excited to be moving forward with IVF soon. Then, as I finalized the decision to leave my job, I remember feeling nervous, scared, and a little sad - but also really free and hopeful. And when I heard about Grandma....I remember feeling scared and feeling an urgency to get out there as soon as I can. Then, yesterday happened - and the combined effect of it all seem to have left me really jumbled. So much so that I can't seem to find what I feel about much of anything at the moment.
I feel manic - like I just drank 18 cups of Turkish coffee. I know that is the adrenaline, the stress hormones, my body going into "fight or flight" mode as a result of the recent stress cocktail I just slammed. I also feel numb and emotionless. My default right now is to laugh or be funny - which is weird, this isn't my usual way of dealing with stress. I also find myself just completely spaced out and tuned out to everything around me - this I am used to.
None of it I like.
I know underneath there are some pretty big and maybe even confusing emotions brewing and I know they will have to come out soon. I want them to. I don't like feeling like this. Good thing I have counseling on Monday. I know I am in very deep need of rest, of time away, of time to breathe and space enough to feel safe to let it all come to the surface. I know I need to start this process now - even in small increments. I need to make the space to let those parts of me feel whatever it is they need to feel right now - no judgment.
I think also what is going on is that I felt so good this past weekend, so sure about moving forward with IVF, and quitting my job. I felt free for the first time in a long time. I felt excited. I felt like myself. I felt HAPPY. And, I think when everything else hit, well, part of me didn't want to let it in - part of me wants desperately to keep holding on to that great, incredible feeling that I had before. So I feel like I am artificially trying to stay in that place, even though the rest of me is trying to face the here and now. I am divided. It has just been so long since I felt *that good* - it is hard to part with it so quickly. It is hard to face what is in front of me. The reality of what is happening with my family, the reality of what is happening to my coworkers and to the organization that I have given over 2 years of dedicated service and passionate work to - the reality of it all.
So - here is my first step....
It is ok to feel all of this. There is enough room for it. I can make enough room for it. I can feel this. I don't have to be ok right now. I don't have to be in crisis to just not be "ok" for awhile. I am allowed to rest and to breathe, no matter what it is that is causing me distress.
Maybe I am not totally ok right now. Maybe not.
But that will be ok too.