March 06, 2008

Feeling out of touch...

I just met with a dear friend tonight and as I relayed all that has gone on in the last 6 days, I realized I wasn't feeling much about any of it. It is as if I have just maxed out.

I remember feeling really good and then a little freaked out, and then really good again after Friday's appointment. I remember feeling relieved and excited to be moving forward with IVF soon. Then, as I finalized the decision to leave my job, I remember feeling nervous, scared, and a little sad - but also really free and hopeful. And when I heard about Grandma....I remember feeling scared and feeling an urgency to get out there as soon as I can. Then, yesterday happened - and the combined effect of it all seem to have left me really jumbled. So much so that I can't seem to find what I feel about much of anything at the moment.

I feel manic - like I just drank 18 cups of Turkish coffee. I know that is the adrenaline, the stress hormones, my body going into "fight or flight" mode as a result of the recent stress cocktail I just slammed. I also feel numb and emotionless. My default right now is to laugh or be funny - which is weird, this isn't my usual way of dealing with stress. I also find myself just completely spaced out and tuned out to everything around me - this I am used to.

None of it I like.

I know underneath there are some pretty big and maybe even confusing emotions brewing and I know they will have to come out soon. I want them to. I don't like feeling like this. Good thing I have counseling on Monday. I know I am in very deep need of rest, of time away, of time to breathe and space enough to feel safe to let it all come to the surface. I know I need to start this process now - even in small increments. I need to make the space to let those parts of me feel whatever it is they need to feel right now - no judgment.

I think also what is going on is that I felt so good this past weekend, so sure about moving forward with IVF, and quitting my job. I felt free for the first time in a long time. I felt excited. I felt like myself. I felt HAPPY. And, I think when everything else hit, well, part of me didn't want to let it in - part of me wants desperately to keep holding on to that great, incredible feeling that I had before. So I feel like I am artificially trying to stay in that place, even though the rest of me is trying to face the here and now. I am divided. It has just been so long since I felt *that good* - it is hard to part with it so quickly. It is hard to face what is in front of me. The reality of what is happening with my family, the reality of what is happening to my coworkers and to the organization that I have given over 2 years of dedicated service and passionate work to - the reality of it all.

So - here is my first step....

It is ok to feel all of this. There is enough room for it. I can make enough room for it. I can feel this. I don't have to be ok right now. I don't have to be in crisis to just not be "ok" for awhile. I am allowed to rest and to breathe, no matter what it is that is causing me distress.

Maybe I am not totally ok right now. Maybe not.

But that will be ok too.


Denise said...

You're right. It is okay to not be okay for now.

Meg said...

Wow, I had quite the catch up to do.

You have so much going on, but you of course do not need me to tell you that. I love your last post, it wrapped around so much and you are very congnizent of what you need right now and what branches may sprout soon for you and your "sanity" (do we have this?). If I were you, I woudl go back and read it. It is really insightful and may help you out when your excitement/anxiety roller coaster continues to take off.

Damn, if you do not read it, I certainly will when I need help wrestling my inner world and outer demands.

I am so sorry to hear about your current job and everyone's situations. It just sucks and it the name of this "business".

I think you will get the job. You have an amazing first impression and you called and what? I do the same thing and I bet she will not even think twice about it. You are your worst critic, which is good in some respects but can also drive you batty.

We should try and get a hike in before your cycle begins! Sounds like you may have some free time coming up, unfortunately I know....but still.

Spicy Sister said...

Thanks Denise - I don't know why, but the simplicity of your affirmation really reached me here. Thank you!

Meg -
Thank you so much for your words...and your encouragement. I love the perspective you give me on my posts, I feel like you really get what I am saying. It means a lot. Thanks for that. I am totally on for a hike in the next couple of weeks! I miss hiking so much!!!

annacyclopedia said...

Thanks for the great comment on my blog and for that great quote, too. Beautiful.

Last summer, I went through a similar thing with work (from what I gather from reading 2 of your posts) and one of the things I remember most was feeling almost gleeful at having allowed myself to not be ok. I walked around for a while saying "I'm depressed!" like it was the best news I'd ever had. But in a way, it was. Because I finally let myself not be super excellent and fabulous in all things. I let myself just be where I was, which was depressed and stressed beyond what I could handle. And it turned out fine - better than fine, actually, cause it's so much easier now to accept my humanity and everything that comes with it. And that feels like real growth to me.

May you be gentle with yourself right now. You are ok no matter what is going on - fear, rage, anxiety, joy, numbness - it's all ok.

So wonderful to have found you.