Coming up for air

I am sitting in the glider in our bedroom. I am holding my naked-except-for-his-diaper son against my bare chest. He just finished eating and being slowly rocked into a contented slumber. He is perfection and innocence embodied in this gorgeous, creamy skinned little body with the most intense and peaceful eyes I have ever stared into. This is what I have waited for. And it is so good it scares me.

We've been hibernating and healing over here. Letting go of the "shoulds" (I should have....uploaded more pictures by now, sent birth announcements, retuned e-mails/ phone calls, started using our cloth diapers by now....etc..) and learning to live in the moment. And there have been so many that the last few weeks feels like a blur of polaroid photos flashing by me.

We had a long, hard, powerful, unexpected, and at the end a bit scary, labor and birth. I have been processing it like crazy with my husband and my doula and am finally able to relate the details with pride and honesty. And I plan to share more about that here soon (meaning when I have two hands free to type with - it's a long one).

My first week home was a blur of uncontrollable crying jags and suffocating anxiety that made me feel as if I was being held captive in the bottom of a dark pit that I might never return from. I could feel the love for my husband and son but somehow couldn't quite reach it, or them. It was agony. I would sit and hold my newborn to my chest, skin-to-skin, inhaling deeply the scent of his neck - determined to stay connected to him, allowing his scent to pull me up from the pit in small increments measured by my breathing. My husband called in the reinforcements: friends who are mothers, my counselor, our doula. I called Apothecary Tinctura and they quickly whipped up some herbal and homeopathic remedies to nurture and support me. Also, I received my placenta capsules - capsules containing my steamed, dehydrated, and finely ground placenta. I had paid to have these made for this very purpose, to help me to balance my postpartum hormones and emotions a bit easier. Thankfully, after several tearful coversations with friends and my amazing doula, many cups of tea and doses of tinctures, a few days of placenta capsules, and lots of prayer.....something worked. I woke on Monday and something had lifted. So far it has not returned and I have given thanks for every day since, knowing I am far from being out of the woods. But I am learning to live in the moment and to be grateful for each one.

Since Monday, the experience of motherhood has consumed me with all the magic and all the mundaneness. I have had highs....the utter joy of seing my son "smile", the realization that this beautiful incredible boy is the same boy we saw all those months ago, small as a grain of rice on the ultrasound image with the flicker of a heartbeat that is now the pounding heart that I love to hold against my own, the quiet satisfaction and peace as he nurses. I have had some "lows" too....the realization of my now very limited freedom, the anxiety induced over simply trying to figure out how to get a shower or leave the house (I will figure this out right?), the late night irrational anger over hearing my husband snore away while I am up, again.

Love has become so much bigger than how I feel. Love is all about action these days. The action it takes to respond to my son, the active ways I anticipate his needs, the active choice to be with him, to smile - even at 3am, to constantly let him know that he will be cared for, he will be loved - no matter what. Also, the action necessary to reach out and connect with my husband, my partner to love him and ask him to love me in the ways we need right now. And lastly, the action necessary to love myself: brewing a pot of tea, feeding myself, finding time to shower, asking for a break when my husband comes home so I can reboot - and choosing to hibernate and conserve during this season of transition.

Slowly, moment by moment, I am receiving my son's trust in me and learning to trust myself. Slowly, I am letting myself be changed, letting my selfishness and independence be challenged and shaken up, letting myself fall ever more in love, letting myself breathe, letting myself be a mom, a good mom - even when I doubt my own ability.

Water broke!!!!

More like "leaking" - 6am. Blood tinged.

Having contractions like menstrual cramps.

So excited! Our baby is on his way!!!!!

(we have appt with Dr. Honey at 9 - hoping to stay home till then)

40.5 weeks....

Had my NST today. Our Poblano looks "excellent" and was very active! And....apparently I was have some pretty serious contractions. But I wasn't feeling them.

Three different nurses took a look at the readout and asked me, "Are you sure you aren't feeling those?" I explained I could feel some tightening and pressure but no pain or any real distinct "contracty" feelings. I was actually pretty comfy. They just shook their heads and looked at me as if I was insane. They showed me the printout and explained that I was showing pretty mid-level to high-level contractions. Even now, I can barely tell I am having them, but they are nothing regular. Sometimes they last several minutes, and there's not a consistent pattern - but good to know something is happening!

Dr. Z was shown my results and apparently felt good enough about them to let me go till next week when I meet with Dr. Honey. But the nurses! Oh my! They were pushing and pushing for me to go ahead and schedule and induction - what is up with that?! Even as I was walking out, a nurse I am not familiar with asked if I was heading to the hospital to have my baby. I was rather stunned and just stammered..."um, no....not yet!"

I am looking forward to either a) going into labor on my own sometime between now and Tue or b) meeting with Dr. Honey on Tue. She knows my wishes and is really supportive and has said in the past that she would allow me to go to 42 weeks if everything looked alright, without scheduling an induction.

I have been reading lately that studies show that the true average gestation for first time moms is actually closer to 41 weeks + 1 day. And like I said, tardiness is a family trait. So, as long as Poblano is doing fine and wiggling away in there and as long as my body continues to do what it is supposed to (yay! contractions!) - I would rather give us both just a bit more time. But, if we haven't delivered by Tue, I will see what my Dr. says and what her opinion is of the risks over 41 weeks. Ultimately, I will do what is best for my son. But for now, everything seems to be working just as it should be. So I feel good about letting nature take its course.

My doula has been invaluable to me this week especially - she and I have talked almost every day and she is superbly suited to talking me off the ledges I sometimes work myself onto. She has been so encouraging and has helped me maintain perspective and positivity in these last days. Today, after my NST, she applauded me for doing so well. That Poblano is thriving, that I am having good strong contractions - that both are happening simultaneously - all good good things. She made me promise to go do something nice for myself today to celebrate my body and that it is doing its work so beautifully. So, I treated myself to a mani/pedi and deliciously spicy Indian food for lunch. Yum! I rarely get pedicure and almost never get manicures, so this was quite the treat! I chose a sparkly light blue polish for my toes as opposed to the usual crimson. It seemed to say "baby boy" and I thought it would be a nice bright image for me while in labor. It makes me think of fairy dust and magic. And what could be more magical than our baby boy's arrival??

So....still waiting. But feeling positive and excited that he is coming soon!!!! It just occured to me today that perhaps I should have some kind of poll going for people to guess when he will arrive and what his stats will be. You could include guesses in the comments or I could do some fancy link to some poll or something...What do you all think???

40 weeks...

...and no baby yet.

We saw Dr. Z (the male Dr. who is the head of the practice) yesterday because Dr. Honey is out of town (again!). As he had me half-naked up on the table he said, "So. I generally don't like to let women go past 41 weeks. How about we schedule you for an induction this weekend?" I think my jaw dropped, literally. I was totally unprepared for this since Dr. Honey had originally said that as long as all was well with baby we could go to 42 weeks. Thankfully, Dr. Z is observant and before I had a chance to voice my opinion he took one look at my face and said, "You don't want an induction, do you?" And I replied that really, I would rather avoid it if possible.

So - he asked us to come back on Friday for a NST. If all goes well, I will see Dr. Honey again next Tue ( 41 weeks) and she and I can discuss what she thinks about all this. This is assuming Poblano doesn't make his grand entrance by then, of course.

I am not against doing an induction if need be, for medical reasons. I just don't want to do one just because I'm running a little late. Myself and both my sisters came a bit late into this world (one of them at 43 weeks!!!), so I think maybe it just runs in the family. Most my family can't make it anywhere on time to this day - so perhaps he is just following in our footsteps. Not to mention that a large majority of first time moms go past their due dates. So, as long as Poblano looks good and healthy and I am ok - I want to give my body a chance to do what it knows how to do when it is ready and this baby a chance to come when it is right for him.

This doesn't mean I am against helping things along, or clearing the path, if you will. I have been a walking fiend and even did the stairmaster at the gym last night. I did yoga this morning. I saw my acupuncturist this afternoon (she marked the points she triggered so Mr. S can stimulate them at home). I have a tea from my herbalist that is supposed to help ripen my cervix and tone my uterus. She also gave me some homeopathics as well. They are not to induce, just to support the uterus in producing more efficient contractions. I am still on the fence about those though. I am taking Evening Primose Oil, doing warm baths, stretching, doing my "optimal fetal positioning exercises" and yes - having lots of sex (sorry for the TMI). I am also trying to remember to do regular nipple stimulation. Mr. Spicy had me doing it in the car while we drove to the gym last night. Quite the show for the other motorists, I am sure.

But despite all the above (and let me be clear here that I am not religious with any of those things), I think honestly the most important thing for me to do right now is to connect with our baby and to relax and admit that this, like so much else, is really out of my control. No matter what I do - he will come when he is ready. My acupuncturist reminded me that this is one of my life lessons, to learn to let go and understand that things are not in my control. Even after all the work I did with this during our long struggle with IF, I still don't like being in this place. I do not like walking into the unknown. And yet, I will do it again and again and I will struggle with it all the way - because I know that there is so much for me to learn here. And I know there is so much freedom to be had in accepting that I do not have ultimate control. And I think motherhood will require me to face this lesson continually in deeper and harder ways, probably for the rest of my life.

So....we wait. Which depending on the day can feel just fine or completely agonizing. On Sunday I was in bed most of the day and in tears because I was just completely worn out from not sleeping and the aches and pains and the acid reflux and the anxiety and did I mention the not sleeping? I literally went about a week sleeping at most 2-3 hours a night, and even those would be interrupted hours. Then, I would be wide awake the rest of night, only to collapse from exhaustion at about 7am to get another 2 hours of sleep or so. It was seriously making me completely wigged out. Then last night, I slept. I slept. I slept the whole night! (With about a dozen trips to the bathroom of course) I actually kind of freaked when I woke up this morning. I thought surely something was wrong and nervously did a kick count. Poblano was moving just fine. We were both fine. I just felt.....rested. And it was amazing. So, needless to say I am in much much better spirits today. I left the house at 10am for yoga and spent the whole day out running errands and getting stuff done and I felt almost normal again. So today? The waiting doesn't feel so hard. But, after a day out I am tired. So I hope last night wasn't just a fluke.

But enough about me....how about some pictures of me?

Remember when I said I had very special 38 week pictures? Mr. Spicy helped me make a belly cast at 38 weeks. We laughed so hard while doing it - it was really fun. But holy freaking boobs batman! I truly had no idea till I looked at it how incredibly ridiculously huge my breasts are. A good friend of mine did a belly cast with her third pregnancy and she was thoughtful enough to hold her arms in the air while it was being applied so that her boobs would seem more perky. I really wish I would have thought of that too. Regardless. There is my 38 week form, preserved for all time. I am thinking of painting it as an early labor project. We'll see. Mr. Spicy is concerned I will want to mount it on our living room wall and terrorize our visitors with it. Just for that, I made him try it on. So now you all know what my husband might look like if he were 38 weeks pregnant. He is such a good sport! (although he did make me promise not to include his face)









And here are my 40 week belly pictures, behold the giant belly (and the recently appearing stretch marks that I am coming to terms with - ah vanity!):

39 weeks - aka "our first visit to Labor & Delivery" or "Not Complaining Anymore"

Here is how I spent the day yesterday:

10:30am - missed yoga class so I ran errands, had the oil changed in the car, etc, etc

1:30pm - had my 39 week appt with Dr. Honey. Now about 1.5cm dilated and still 50-60% effaced. She did a small amount of "sweeping my membranes" and offered to do this again for me on Thu morning in hopes of getting things moving.

4:00pm - met up with Mr. Spicy to go check out our future pediatrician's office. Took the tour at 4:30, met with a Dr. and a med asst. Decided this is definitely the practice for us and felt very pleased about that.

5:45pm - arrived home, excited to have dinner with a good friend at 7. Began a playful teasing banter with Mr. Spicy.

~~this is where everything changes~~

5:50pm - got out of the car and began walking towards the house - still joking loudly with husband. Caught my shoe in crack of sidewalk and went flying through the air. In a desperate effort not to land directly on my belly, I turn and land on my right side. I end up with a scraped knee, a scraped hand, (later a sore hip), and and elbow to my belly.

5:55pm - make it into the house with Mr. Spicy's help. Call my OB's office. Search Google frantically for information on falling in the third trimester. The Ob on call, and Dr. Google both reccomend heading straight to Labor & Delivery. Holy Shit.

6:05pm - making the 5 minute drive to labor & Delivery, my doula calls. We tell her what is happening and she talks to me and helps me calm down, reminding me to breathe and connect with my body and my baby. I feel Poblano move a few times and the fear becomes a bit less overwhelming. I have a sense things will be ok. We are in this together.

6:10pm - try to get into night entrance at Labor & Delivery but couldn't understand security guard over intercom. He wouldn't let us in because we didn't specifically say the magic words: "We are in labor!" or "This is an emergency!". We drive around to the main entrance and take the long way to L&D. Mr. Spicy is FUMING at this point.

6:15pm - they get us checked in at L&D. Mr. Spicy goes to move our car. He also goes to have a word with the security guard. I sit anxiously hoping he returns soon and isn't arrested for harrassment or worse. The nurses get me hooked up to the monitors, and Mr. Spicy returns. At first Poblano's heartrate looks it flat. It isn't showing the accelerations they normally like to see. More waiting and watching and listening.

7:00pm - now Poblano's heart rate is looking more normal. They move us to one of the nicer labor and delivery rooms because the computer isn't working in the monitoring room I was in. They draw a full panel of blood and everything looks normal. The Dr. on call from my Ob's office has decided to keep us for four hours of observation. We sit, we wait, we listen. I thank God every time I feel Poblano trying to kick the hell out of those damn monitors. I think they are pretty uncomfortable too.

~~ hours pass, Mr. Spicy gets us Thai food, we eat, watch TV and begin to feel confident things will be ok~~

10:00pm - resident Ob does an u/s - more for our benefit than anything. He is so squished in there, you can't really get a decent shot. But his head is down in my pelvis, and his back is to my left side, with his legs curled over and filling the right side. We see the top of his head, his spine, his heart, his femur - he looks gorgeous to me. He has plenty of fluid and the placenta looks as it should for 39 weeks. HUGE sigh of relief!

11:00pm - another blood draw to compare to the first. The phlebotomist is really rough with his technique and bruises me. But, I don't even wince. I am sure this will be the last step before I get to go home, reassured all is well with our little boy. And that is all that matters.

11:30pm - our nurse comes in. Bad news. My hematocrit has dropped from 38 to 31. This could signify internal bleeding. Or it could be lab error. Either way, they are now telling us we will be staying overnight. We have another blood draw scheduled at 3am. The nurse tries to reassure us. She says first: "Sometimes there's a small bleed and it heals itself." then she says, "But if the next test comes back lower - we will probably induce just to get him out of there." INDUCE! INDUCE!? Shit! Mr. Spicy runs home to let the dogs out and comes back with our "labor bag" just in case. He falls asleep on the bench/bed next to my bed. I stay awake - my mind swimming with the idea that we could be induced in just a few hours. I am exhausted and really uncomfortable from trying to find a way to comfortably sit/lie with those montors attached. I am sore from my fall. I don't know if I was induced if I would have the strength or determination to go through labor right now. I am an emotional wreck from the events of the evening and I could desperately use some sleep. Instead, I watch the clock - walk myself through the "what ifs" - pray - and wait for 3am.

3am - finally. a different phlebotomist arrives. A kind man, probably in his forties with a thick accent. He is much more gentle and wishes me luck. I am grateful for his kindness. I hope it is a good sign of things to come.

3:30am - Our nurse comes in. I am just coming out of the bathroom. My last hematocrit looks great. I didn't even ask for a number, I just was so relieved. She tells us we can stop the monitoring (Poblano's been looking awesome all night long!) and we can sleep till 7, or leave now - whichever we prefer. I wake up Mr. Spicy to tell him the good news. We both agree we'd rather be home. We pack up our stuff, get our discharge info and head home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After everything works out, after I know my baby boy is ok and so am I - I feel guilty. Guilty for falling. Guilty for taking up so much time - from Mr. Spicy, from the nurses and doctors.....from everyone. I feel like the girl who cried wolf. I feel uncomfortable with the amount of attention and resources I have drawn to myself. Mr. Spicy assures me the fall was not my fault, and that we did all the right things. He reminds me that neither of us would have slept or probably exhaled the entire night had we not gone in to the hospital and made sure our son was ok. He is right. He is completely right. I just wish I had paid more attention and not fallen in the first place.

I also realize that I no longer feel any room or desire to complain about being uncomfortable or feeling so "ready" for Poblano to come. I don't care anymore. I don't care if he decides to stay in there another 2 weeks. I just want him safe and sound. And he can get here whenever he is ready. The most comforting thing in the world was hearing his heart beat all night long. I got home and could still hear it in my head - the phantom of the monitors wooshing away next to my ear. It had been less than an hour and already I missed hearing him - having some tangible outside proof of him, of his health and strength.

Lastly, even though the nurses and doctors treated us incredibly well and the accomodations were as comfortable as they could be - this visit really cemented my desire to labor at home as long as possible. No matter what they do, the hospital is just no match for home. And even though I was only on external monitors - I realized how limiting and uncomfortable those could be - even just on an intermittent basis - when I am trying to move and adjust and deal with contractions. So. As long as I am doing well, and Poblano is moving around, we will try to stay home during labor as long as we can. We are literally 5 minutes from the hospital and my Dr. fully suports this plan. But - I also realized from our stay last night, how compassionate and helpful the nurses and Dr.s (and even the phlebotomists) are and can be. I realized that if our plan goes awry, if we spend more time there than we hope to - we will be in really good hands. And that is a huge relief.

On our "to do" list before Poblano arrives, Mr. Spicy had written: "Make several practice runs to Labor & Delivery" - we are so close that this is kind of laughable, but he wanted to be prepared. So, as we were leaving last night I told him I thought we had filled that requirement. We hadn't only done a practice run, we'd done a whole "practice stay". He laughed and asked, "Why do we always have to be the overachievers on everything?!"

I'm sorry to inform you that you have a boring, normal pregnancy...

That's what the Dr. told us on Friday. We (Mr. Spicy is home on mandatory "vacation" till the 5th) saw Dr. Z, the only male doctor in the practice, since Dr. Honey is also on vacation this week.

He is quite gregarious and funny. He listened to Poblano's heart beating on the doppler, took my measurements and announced that we were boringly normal. My uterus measures perfectly at 38, Poblano's heartrate was perfectly within the normal range, my blood pressure was normal and even a bit low for this stage, and.....I am STILL just 1 cm dilated. BUT! I am now 60% effaced, whereas last week I was still "thick".

Dr. Z demonstrated a great analogy for us on effacement, for Mr. Spicy's benefit. He related it to pulling a knit cap over one's head, when the cap is completely down over the head this equals 100% effacement and all that is left is for the top of the cap to open (like the cervix dilating). He said where I am at is completely normal for a first time pregnancy and suggested we have more "sexual intercourse". Mr. Spicy perked up at that prescription!

It was a good visit and Dr. Z made us laugh. Especially when he "stepped out of hitting range" as he advised us that we were likely to make it to our due date and possibly a bit further. I deliberately scheduled this visit with him because we hadn't met yet and since there is no gaurantee of which Dr. I will get at delivery, I wanted to at least meet him ahead of time so I wouldn't feel caught off guard if some strange male Dr. arrived to deliver my baby. I tend to choose female doctors and especially in the gynecological realm - so it was good to meet him and find him to be really pleasant (and gentle! which is a HUGE plus!).

And....THANK YOU ALL so much for your reassurances and encouragement with my last post. I am actually suddenly feeling somewhat better and my anxiety is passing. I feel much more relaxed about the coming of our Poblano and have decided to just let go and let him come when he is good and ready. (of course, I am still walking, still doing my exercises, still eating spicy food, and still following Dr. Z's instructions - just to help things along) I am a little nervous about going overdue - just in terms of avoiding interventions and such. But, mostly I am trying to enjoy these last days with my husband and with this little one inside of me - knowing he will be here very very soon. Thanks for letting me wig out a bit though, and assuring me that I am not just a big fat whiny brat.

Also - I have a very special 38 week belly picture. But, I may be lazy and just wait to post it till 39 weeks (only 2 days away!). Thanks again!!!

38 weeks has arrived and it is kicking my ass

Before I get into everything, a quick update: I lost my mucous plug somewhere in the dark and early hours of Wednesday morning on one of my 500 trips to the bathroom. I don't know if I am any further dilated yet as I do not have my "38 week" appointment until Friday, when I will be 38 weeks and 3 days pregnant.

I have been trying to avoid writing this post. This post where I complain or bemoan my last weeks, or maybe days, of pregnancy - knowing full well, with all my heart how incredibly fortunate I am to even be here to begin with. I have spent the large majority of my pregnancy feeling that gratitude and wonder, knowing at each turn in the road, at each milestone, how very very blessed I am. Blessed to have a fairly textbook and simple pregnancy, blessed to enjoy pregnancy, blessed to be healthy and have a healthy little pepper growing inside of me, blessed all around. Just two weeks ago I was still commenting on how much I simply loved being pregnant, how great I still felt, how I was eager to meet our son but also perfectly content to hang out in my blissfully pregnant state as long as was needed.

I have had a spectacular pregnancy. I have stayed relatively healthy, have not gained a ton of weight, have been fairly active, have deeply enjoyed connecting with our son in utero, have loved my new pregnant curves, have loved how much my husband loved my new pregnant curves. It has been really amazing. So - when others kept warning me I would feel differently the last 2-3 weeks, I really didn't put much stock in it. I felt like I was made for this, made for pregnancy - my body was finally doing all it was meant to, and doing it well. It would not let me down. Ha!

Then 37 weeks hit. That nagging sciatic pain that had come and gone during previous months reared it's head again, but instead of coming and going - it moved in and made its home in the lower right quadrant of my back, my right buttock and my right thigh, reducing me to tears and foul words if I so much as tried to innocently take three steps across the kitchen floor. "Still", I thought, "this is normal pregnancy pain, not so bad - I will be ok - nothing to complain about." But each day the pain has gotten progressively worse, and nothing much seems to help. My chiropractor broke it to me simply: "there's not much I can do to help - you just have to have that baby."

Then, as if the rest of my body had gotten the message now that it was ok to start falling apart on me, other symptoms began to appear: massive lower back pain, pelvic pain, the timely reappearance of nightly acid reflux, complete utter exhaustion, and my new favorite - mind-numbing insomnia. And as each new symptom has appeared I tried very hard to simply take it in without complaint, to accept it as a sign things were moving in the right direction. I kept telling myself how very very lucky I was to even be feeling these things. But they kept coming. Soon, I found myself having to scooch four times to simply roll over in bed, and actually getting out of bed has become an olympic event in and of itself. I no longer feel beautiful and womanly and fertile, but simply huge and bloated and beached like a whale.

Thankfully, I have incredibly understanding and empathetic friends who have assured me that this is all very normal and does not mean I am any less grateful. They have kindly offered to allow me to vent as much as is needed. My doula has assured me that these feelings help prepare a woman to be ready to go through labor. After all, if you feel super-duper why would you willingly walk into something like labor and the ensuing uncertainty to follow? In her words, it almost has to get bad enough to make you willing to endure labor to come out of it. But there's the rub. I do want out. I am begging this child to come, I am eating spicy foods, drinking my tea, getting my daily dose of prostaglandins. And tonight - I feel really strange and guilty about it.

I don't want to end this chapter this way, with a desperate wish to get out of it. I don't want to forget in my haze of hormones and sleep deprivation what a tremendous gift this has been. I don't want my son to sense in any way that I can't wait to evict him just to get some relief. But at times, I have felt or am feeling all of those things and more.

On the other hand, I am also terrifyingly aware that regardless of how I feel, this little boy is coming out sometime. And it may be some time very soon. And then I think, "Holy Shit! How did I get here? It's all gone by so fast!" And I realize with alarming clarity that although I now know how to be pregnant, and have armed myself with all sorts of knowledge about breastfeeding, birthing, and even child-rearing - I know nothing, really, nothing of what motherhood is or will be for me. I don't know who I will be once this little guy makes his appearance, his permanent, life-altering appearance in our lives. I don't know who he will be. I will learn, I have been told. But it is more than a little frightening all the same. Frightening enough to almost make me beg for more time to figure it all out, as if there is such a thing.

So here I sit - half of me wishing desperately in the still dark hours of morning for some relief, and half of me mourning that this season is almost over. Mourning that soon my womb will be empty. That never again will I feel Poblano rolling over or jabbing me with his pointy-parts. That never again will being a mother be so easy, so contained. That once I have let go of him with my body, I will begin the life-long practice of letting go in a million ways, with my heart. And with that ache - the physical complaints I feel now seem no less painful, but maybe just a bit more bearable.

So - yes, I am ready. Ready for him to come. Ready to meet my son. Ready to trade these pains and discomforts for new ones. But I am also holding on just a bit, knowing that this is our last bit of time together like this. Knowing that soon the quiet nighttime wanderings of my anxious mind will be replaced by something altogether less quiet and less easily controlled. Knowing, in the words of one of my favorite poets, David Whyte:

the good news is: "Everything is waiting for you", the bad news is, "EVERYTHING is waiting for you."

37 weeks

Had my 37 week appt today.

• I am still just 1cm dilated. Which is pretty much right on schedule. I really *felt* like things were changing, and expected a bit more, but we're ok with 1cm. I want Poblano to come when he is good and ready. Even though I am dying to meet him - I can be patient!
• I am negative for GBS - yay!
• My blood pressure (90/60) is great.
• We did another NST and Poblano is doing perfectly.
• I am having mild contractions and "cramping".
• My Dr. looked over my "birth plan" (we're calling it Birth Wishes though) and approved everything.

Other than that, I am pretty wiped out most of the time - my huge surge of energy over the last couple weeks seems to be conspicuously missing. My brain is literally the size of a marble right now - I am really foggy and forgetful and lack normal reflexes. I am kind of scared to drive, feels like I am high on something.

It is also a really bizarre Christmas for me. Mr. Spicy and I decided to devote our time, energy, and finances this year to just laying low and prepping for Poblano's arrival - which is surprisingly a lot of work! So, no major crafting or baking sprees for me, and we aren't even really doing gifts except for kids in our family and maybe a few other family members. I feel sort of lame. It seemed like a good idea, a relief, when we made the decision. But now I am sort of missing all the holiday hullabaloo. I actually *love* buying and making gifts for others at Christmas. And now I feel all scroogy and weird because we haven't done that this year. Bah humbug!

But, we have carved out some time to honor our usual Christmas Eve traditions and to make some space for quiet spiritual reflection which is really the most important part of the season for me. So I am really looking forward to that.

And in case I sound grumpy and whiny - I assure you I am not. Just wishing I had more to give on all fronts: time, energy, gifts, attention.... I feel like we have begun the retreat into our cave to prepare for the life changing event to come, and I am having a hard time not being as available or as giving to the people we love as my heart would like to be.

But I am thrilled our little one is doing so well, grateful that I am doing so well, and looking forward to some time with my hubby over his holiday "break". It feels like we are awaiting the biggest Christmas gift of our lives and we aren't quite sure when it (he) will get here. Talk about joyful anticipation!

I hope everyone has a really special and meaningful time with people they love this holiday season - whatever that looks like for each of you. May you all be blessed with peace, love, and joy.

36 weeks (a little late)

Time is whipping by and I have been uber-busy getting ready for this little pepper to make his debut. But here is the quick update:

• I am 1cm dilated as of this past Tuesday. I don't know about effacement or any of the other details. My Dr. doesn't usually check dilation at 36 weeks but she did for me because I am so anxious to know EVERYTHING! Also? lots of bleeding after the check, and spotting for 2 days afterwards. I know this can be normal - but it kinda freaked me out.
  

• They tested me for GBS (Gram B Strep) on Tuesday as well. I will find out this following Tuesday the results. (Crossing my fingers for a negative!)

• On Tuesday night I woke up with a really strong contraction. On Wednesday my doula looked at me and asked if I was breathing better. I suddenly realized I could take a full deep breath for the first time in ages. She said it looked like I had "dropped" or at least begun to. She suspected that the big contraction was Poblano moving himself down into my pelvis. I am breathing much easier and have much much less acid reflux.....so maybe she's right?

• Speaking of our doula and her fabulousness, we had a long meeting with her on Wednesday night and it was really wonderful. We discovered some things about the ways that I feel encouraged and how I cope with stress or pain that will help us during the birth and we worked on our "Birth Preferences" (aka Birth Plan) and she taught me some exercises for optimal fetal positioning (OFP). Supposedly all the women she has taught this to, and all the women taught this by the doula who trained her in it, never have had longer than 10 hour labors!!! So, I am faithfully practicing every night. I mean, 10 hours? That would be nice.

• Other than my OFP exercises, I have been walking this week with a dear friend. We hop on the treadmills and start gabbing and suddenly I have walked an entire hour! I wish exercising always felt this easy! Of course afterwards I am waddling like a duck and sore as hell! But it feels good to be doing it.
  

• Because of Mr. Spicy's new job and our new insurance I can go back to my chiropractor for only $20, AND I can get a full 1 hour massage for $20. So - I did both this week, and it was heaven! I had my massage yesterday and I slept soundly last night for the first time in a really really long time. I am planning on getting adjusted and massaged each week till Poblano comes. It is supposed to really help the baby get into position for birth and relieve a lot of the back pain. I just feel so fortunate that our insurance makes this so affordable to do.
  

• I have been seeing my acupuncturist once a month through pregnancy. I went to see her this week for possibly my last appointment. But we scheduled another appointment first thing in the morning on the 30th (38 weeks). If he is not here by then, she will begin activating some of the more "aggressive" points. So, Mr. Spicy may get his wish for a 2008 baby after all. Of course, none of this will do anything if Poblano isn't ready to come, so I feel fairly secure in knowing that we are opening the way and encouraging him, but still allowing him to get here when he is fully ready to.

• Sleep. Sleep? I miss sleeping. I miss it so much! It has gotten to where I dread going to bed at night because I know I will either a) be unable to fall asleep, b) wake up in 2-3 hours and be unable to fall back asleep, or c) wake up in 2-3 hours and spend the whole night sleeping in 20 minute increments as I toss and turn trying to get comfortable, or breathe, or stop throwing up (acid reflux). The breathing and the acid reflux has been better since Tuesday, so there is that. And the massage yesterday REALLY helped. So there is that too. I can handle it if at least every second or third night I get 6+ hours or so, but for a while there I was getting 2-3 hours of sleep for 3-4 nights in a row and it was killing me! I would spend all day an exhausted zombie on the verge of tears and then at night I would lay awake with adrenaline surging through my veins. It got pretty miserable. BUT - I am crossing my fingers that we may have turned a corner and that next week may be better. It just has to be. I don't expect to sleep solidly through the night. It is impossible with my now pea-sized bladder. But to be able to sleep for the majority of the night would be amazing. Was amazing (last night).

• Otherwise, all is pretty normal here in preggo-ville. I am losing brain cells daily, possibly hourly. I can't remember anything unless I write it down, and even then..... I am frantically trying to get all our baby-prep done as well as keeping up on normal day-to-day stuff like dishes, and trying to squeeze in a few last visits with friends before I am out of commission for awhile in baby-ville. I feel very "ready" for our Poblano to come and just can't wait to meet him! There is still a lot to be done, but emotionally I am just ready - I want to see him, to hold him, to nibble on his cheeks and toes. I pull out his clothes and sigh over them. It has been15 weeks since we saw him in that last grainy ultrasound image. I am jonesing. I want to see my son's face. It is all I think about. I am totally obsessed.

• Last but not least, here are my 36 week (actually 361/2 week) belly shots. I don't know if I look terribly different than 2 weeks ago - you tell me. But I do know it is the first time since I was 14 that my boobs have actually not looked enormous! I am wearing a 38H right now (usually I'm somewhere around a 34F) - but my belly makes them look normal-sized. Ok, enough talk about my breasts, they'll be plenty of that later when breast-feeding comes along.

35 weeks.....really. wow.

Warning! Half naked belly pics below!

So. I am 35 weeks pregnant today. Holy cow.

Everyone keeps asking "Are you excited?" and "Are you ready?"

The answer to the former is, Yes of course I am, but I am also a bit terrified and overwhelmed at the BIG change about to come into our lives. And honestly, I am grieving being so close to the end as well. I almost burst into tears at my last OB appt. This time has literally flown by and there are still so many things I *meant* to do to commemorate it. And although it has been a hard time in some ways, and certainly a time of reflection and growth and assessment - it has been really, truly, sweet. I love my pregnant body. I love the way my husband looks at my giant growing belly and smiles. I love dreaming about our child together. I love feeling him move and knowing he is safe and sound. I love the feeling of strength and beauty I have knowing I am carrying this life inside of me. And no, I won't miss not sleeping, or having massive acid reflux every night, or feeling like someone kicked me in my vagina - but I will miss pregnancy as a whole. I know, I know, ask me again in 3 weeks and see how I feel, right?

The answer to the latter question is pretty much, "Hell no" - we are so far from "ready" (whatever that means). My "to do" list is more than a page long and I will have to accomplish more than one thing on it per day to ensure we are all set for our Poblano. I have washed some of the baby clothes and erected the co-sleeper (it still needs bedding washed and to be attached to the bed) - I have ordered diapers (cloth) and some other items we are missing - but other than that? Yeah, total slacker. Which is no surprise really. I am a renowned procrastinator. I am the queen of getting things done at the last possible hour. I think I actually work better under that stress some times. But in this case, I am working against a really vague deadline. He could come weeks early, or weeks late, or anywhere in between. Doesn't give me a whole lot to work with there. We aren't setting up a nursery right away though, which saves me some work. He will be staying in our room with us for probably the first 6 months or so. We have a dresser for him and a co-sleeper. There's a changing table in our bathroom and we have a couple swings, bouncy seats, etc. that will reside upstairs and downstairs. So, shouldn't be too difficult, right?

Why does everything seem to take so much more time and effort than I could have imagined though? Take our search for a doula for example. We went to a "Meet the Doulas" night. It was good. Lots of good info. Met 4 doulas. No one really jumped out at us. We interviewed another doula at our home. She was really experienced and knowledgeable and would have done a great job, I am sure - but we just didn't "click" with her the way we hoped to. Then, I spent day after day emailing or calling doulas, only to get no response or to find out they aren't practicing any more or are already booked. FINALLY, this weekend we interviewed another doula and she really rocked. She isn't as experienced as some of the others we've looked at, but she has so many qualities that are such a good fit for us and she seems very knowledgeable and supportive. We connected right away and I felt really safe with her discussing some of my concerns and issues around the birth and preparing for it on a spiritual, psychological, emotional, and physical level. She also has a decade of experience as a counselor working with pregnant and postpartum women and is very familiar with post-partum depression. So, she will be very comfortable supporting me in assessing where I am at and getting the resources I will need if that becomes an issue for me. So, that is finally resolved - which is a huge relief - but gosh it seemed to take forever! Now I need to find a pediatrician. Yeah. I am not looking forward to that so much at all. But I have to have one by the time our Poblano arrives - so I better get on it.

Lots has happened in the last few weeks.

• We finished with our birthing classes. We took the Birthing From Within classes. It was a really great series. We met in the instructor's home, with only 2 other couples. It was small and intimate, and creative, and informative, and empowering. It gave us so much to work with - practical aspects like pain management practices and information about birth, emotional aspects like facing our fears and looking at our attitudes and beliefs about birth and about family, and spiritual aspects like making symbols and birth art, and thinking about how we want to welcome our child into the world.

• I had my baby shower this weekend. Two friends of mine hosted a sweet, intimate, meaningful, and fun shower for me. About 12 other women attended. We had great food (all of it was gluten-free, which is a sure-fire way to tell me you love me!) and each of the women said a blessing or wish for this new season coming upon us, or for our birth. And then there was the present opening. I could not have asked for a better shower. I felt so loved and cared for. But it was also really hard having all that attention on me in such an intense way. I had to literally keep coaching myself to stay calm and to keep my ears and my heart open to receive it all. By the end I was full, and completely exhausted.

• I met with my OB at 34 weeks and addressed with her my concerns about her maybe not being available for the birth and also about my wishes and hopes for our birth. It was an incredible conversation. I have sometimes been hesitant to advocate for myself so obviously - so it felt really good to speak up. She took lots of time with me and was really reassuring about everything. It would take volumes to report back all that we talked about and all that she said. But suffice to say I felt really heard and empowered and supported by the time I left her office and I feel so much more confident that our birth is something we will be active, educated participants in. Dr. Honey has been really consistent in addressing my concerns, fears, and questions with respect and compassion and without making me feel rushed or like the worry-wart I sometimes feel that I am. I pretty much adore her for that. In fact, this visit I again mentioned my worry that Poblano isn't moving quite as much as I would expect and without skipping a beat both she and the medical assistant offered to do another NST just to ease my worries. Of course he was just fine, and he did somersaults the entire testing time just to reassure me - but both of them just continued to tell me not to feel weird or embarrassed about asking to come in for this any time I might be afraid. After talking with others who have had to fight with their Dr.s to even be seen at times - I feel really fortunate to have ended up where I have.

So, I will see Dr. Honey again in a week and they will do my first internal exam and test me for Group B Strep (please let me dodge that bullet!) - I will get to see what if anything is happening in my nether regions to get ready for birth (it sure FEELS like something is happening!). I will also begin weekly visits. And wow, we are really here, aren't we?

And last but not least......I did manage to take a 34 week belly photo, although I am posting it a week late - here is my belly in all its glory! (sorry about the lack of clothing - I can't stand wearing clothes right now any more than I have to)

34 weeks:

And the "mommy guilt" begins......

So, I lied. Or I forgot. Or both.

Last week at the end of my "32 week" post I said I would take my 32 week belly pic and post it later. Now, it hasn't been all that uncommon for me to slack off and not post a belly pic in a timely fashion. And this time I had some good excuses as our internet went down, we prepared for company, company arrived, etc. etc. But this time?

I completely spaced taking the picture. I have no 32 week belly shot. And it appears I am well into forgetting to take one at 33 weeks as well, since that landmark is passing me by as we speak.

No big deal right? Except I haven't been consistent on writing letters to our Pepper either and I feel like he will one day look through what I wrote and collected during this pregnancy and wonder why there was an entire month between photos and much more than that between journal entries or letters to or about him.

And I know he may not even care, but I also know that he might. I recently acquired my own baby book from my mother and I was surprised at the intensity with which I poured over every written detail and photo. From who attended my mother's baby shower, to pictures of me with the family cat. I wanted clues to this period of time, this time I cannot and will never remember, I wanted to know how my parents felt about me, how I affected their lives, what my life was like in those early days and weeks and years.

So, I feel like something as small as forgetting to document my 32nd week of pregnancy with an appropriate photo could leave a hole in the narrative I have to offer my son. And I realize already that there are so many holes, so many days and weeks undocumented. So many moments when I look down at my growing belly with absolute awe, and feel him move and whisper, "I love you" - that I have never ever written down. And I worry he might never know just how in love I am with him already at this moment, how in love I am with being pregnant, how this is truly the greatest and most amazing time of my entire life and that in many ways it is all because of him.

So here it is. Written down. In case I forget to tell him.

Little man, you are so deeply wanted and loved. I am so honored and happy to be your mama and to have the priviledge to carry you, nourish you, and bring you into this world. I will forget many things, I already have. But I will never ever forget to love you.

32 weeks and all's well

Had my 32 week appt today. Nothing too exciting. My uterus is measuring just a tad big, like just under a week ahead. Blood pressure is nice and low, baby's heartrate was great and he seems to be vertex (head down). All is well.

I came in a bit tearful though. I had been noticing the Poblano didn't seem to be moving as regularly over the last week or so, and this morning he was really abnormally quiet. So, I got myself all worried and worked up even though I know when I've done official "kick counts" I've gotten good results. But sometimes I still can't stop my mind from wandering into "worst case scenario" territory.

So. The nurse very kindly ordered a NST (non-stress test) for me. And as soon as I leaned back into the cushy recliner with the monitors strapped acros my belly and the "kick counter" firmly in hand - our little Poblano decided to put on quite a show. I laughed as he rolled and kicked and pushed almost constantly throughout the entire 20 minutes. Maybe he just needed an audience?

Regardless, he is doing just fine. His heartrate showed a great pattern and he obviously is moving well and I didn't have any contractions - so all is well on the uterine front. Whew!

The only sort of bad news is that my doctor is out of town the entire week of my due date. She also was out of town this week and will be out of town for the week of my 38 week appt - dang! I don't fault her for going on vacation, or whatever she might be doing, but is it too much to ask that she postpone these trips for a few more months?

Anyhow, I am beyond happy that Poblano is growing and moving and getting ready to come out and join us soon. I will post a 32 week belly pic later tonight.

Update, Observations, and Peace....

Just wanted to pop in and give a little update of sorts.

- I was out of town this weekend with friends at their cabin and it was so good to be with people who know us, get us, and love us - even when none of us have showered for two days.

- I have had the nastiest cold all week. Every time I think I am getting better it creeps back up on me. Being sick while pregnant is a whole new kind of torture. (Especially if you are like me and a tad bit paranoid about taking meds, even when your Dr. tells you they are safe. Not that there's a whole lot you can take anyway.)

- I am also experiencing insomnia off and on. I am not used to this at all. I am usually a world champion sleeper. Having to be really deliberate and conscious about my sleeping and my before-bed-routine is a challenge for me. I miss sleeping for more than 4 hours at a time.

- Acid reflux. Holy hell. I have spent at least two nights sleeping upright. I am finding myself capable of things I never knew possible.

- I finished up my first temporary nanny gig on Friday. It was such a perfect job for me and I feel so lucky that I had this opportunity. The last five weeks with these girls have been such a gift. The family I worked for are close friends of ours so it was an added bonus to have this time to develop a closer relationship with their two incredible little girls. I loved it. The one caveat would be that the nasty killer cold came from the girls - but that can't be helped. :)

- I should start the second temporary nanny-gig in a couple weeks when the other family's nanny leaves to have her little boy. I don't really know this family, so it will be a really different experience and truthfully I am a little worried about it since I am getting increasingly exhausted and worn down as the weeks progress and I don't really know these two girls at all. But I am trying to remain hopeful that this too will be a great experience and a great opportunity to make some income while hanging out with some cool kiddos.

- I got my first "You are huge!" comment this week as well. An eighty-two year old woman (with some loss of impulse control) asked when I was due. When I told her, she remarked that I looked as if I was about to give birth any day now and asked if I was sure it wasn't twins. I politely answered her and made a quick exit. The thing is, I am definitely a bit bigger than I expected to be at this point, but I haven't gained a ton of weight, in fact I am pretty textbook right now. I just am carrying everything all out front. Regardless, I am loving my pregnant body right now. Although it still shocks me on a regular basis to look in the mirror and see this big basketball protruding from my abdomen, I feel sexy and beautiful in a way I maybe never have before. I feel womanly. And I like it. (And so does Mr. Spicy....)

- Poblano is moving a lot more and Mr. Spicy was finally able to feel a kick from the outside this week which is it's own special brand of amazingness. But now I freak if he (Poblano) moves a little less from one day or one hour to the next. The doppler still gets a little work out from me once or twice a week.

- We had our re-check ultrasound last week and there is lots of fluid around our little guy, which was a relief. Everything looked great and it was incredible to see how much he has developed in just 3 weeks. He looks like a baby! And we could even tell he has his daddy's lips!

- At our re-check appt my doctor suggested that I might be having anxiety attacks. I have been having sporadic periods of heart-racing and breathlessness but was attributing them to hormones. Turns out, they might be actual anxiety. So I was instructed to get a good measure of my resting heart rate and then record what my heart rate is when these actually occur. The thing is, I don't always feel actively anxious on a conscious level when these happen. Which is probably why I was prefering to chalk them up to hormones. But the more I think about them and when and how they occur, I am more and more convinced that they are a symptom of some internal turmoil. I had one this weekend during a conversation with a friend about something I am working through in therapy. Probably not a coincidence. My heartrate jumped to 130. Lying down and taking a nap seemed to help but I should probably pay more attention to the triggers for these and maybe find some reliable relaxation techniques in the meantime? At any rate, there are a million reasons I could be dealing with anxiety at this time, and all of them are valid. I just hate anxiety because in the moment I just feel it so intensely and trying to figure it out isn't always helpful right then when I am trying to catch my breath. It kind of demands that I stop everything and deal with it, or at least the symptoms of it - right now. Which, ironically, is possibly what my body is trying to get me to do - stop everything and deal with it. But I could go on forever about this.....

- I am almost 24 weeks pregnant which seems like a fluke, a joke, and a miracle all at the same time. So far pregnancy has been everything I hoped for and feared, and so much more. It is the hardest thing I have ever done and also the most incredible. I regularly am flummoxed by the duality of emotions I feel: pure joy and gratitude for being so incredibly fortunate to be here, excitement and anticipation of what is to come, exhaustion and anxiety and general yuckiness, vulnerability and fear, and a big large helping of cluelessness and humility. I mean, how is this really happening to me? I still can't get my brain around it at all. And in general it feels like it is flying by, like all these strange things are happening to my body and to my heart and to my life - but they are happening so fast I can't even seem to catch up. I feel this great longing to stop the clock and have a week or two to just breathe, contemplate, and savor this experience. But instead I feel as though the days are simply speeding by me before I even have a chance to be in them fully. I wish I was more grounded in all of this.

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So, here I am, more than halfway through pregnancy, a huge, anxiety-ridden, emotional, congested, insomniac. I feel crazy and happy and overwhelmed and terrified all at the same time. Sometimes, a lot of times, I wish it was easier for me. I wish I was someone who just sailed through with barely a blip, sure of myself, sure of this pregnancy, and sure of what was to come. But that has never been me. So, it has been work - physical, emotional, spiritual work - but I know, I know, how fortunate I am that this work is mine to do. And in the midst of this work there are moments of joy that I thought at times I might never get to experience. Joy that leads me to great hopefulness. So, I am immensely grateful for that - that I get to be here, that I get to do this work, that I get to drink up this joy, and I am just hoping for a little more peace and groundedness in the midst of it. For my sake, for my husband's sake, and for the sake of our son.

Peace. Peace and groundedness.

All the pretty pictures...

***Warning - loads of pregnancy pics ahead.....

I mentioned being behind in posting photos in my last post, so at long last I am getting them up here.

But first, a pictorial that somewhat explains why I posted so little in August and makes me look just a little hardcore. This is what I was up to...

I wasn't kidding about the bathroom remodel....The first picture shows where our old shower/tub used to be, the second is where our old toilet and floor were, the third shows the disaster that Mr. Spicy found when innocently trying to replace some drywall around the skylight - years upon years of water damage had reduced much of the wood to dust, and the last picture is of me donning my "protective gear" - eye goggles, and the most intense breathing apparatus Mr. Spicy could find to protect me from the dust and fumes. His language of love often leads him right to the hardware store, what can I say?

But, we finished it! Mostly! And wouldn't you know I haven't even taken any finished photos yet? Probably because I still have flashbacks whenever I walk into that room now.





On a happier note....I have a months worth of belly pics to unload on y'all, and also a very cute ultrasound picture, hold onto your hats folks, here we go:


18 weeks

(this is the first time I saw a pregnancy photo of myself and was truly shocked. I just didn't *feel* like I was showing that much. My internal image and external images just were not matching up. Also, it made me feel a bit vulnerable to look so obviously pregnant - which surprised me, a lot.)

Now, here are just a few of the gorgeous pictures that MB took of us at 20 weeks...... if you would like to see the whole slideshow, email me and I will send you a link to it. If you would like her contact info - I can give you that as well. She's truly amazing and gifted. We had so much fun with this shoot and it has left us with visible images of a time we really want to savor and remember and hold onto. Plus, she just made us look really good. I can't say enough about how special this was for us, so I'll just share a couple images.....

20 weeks

And here is what our little Poblano looked like at about the same time:

20 weeks and 2 days

Isn't he gorgeous?

On a side note: We do actually have a name for him already - I am just still debating how much personal info I want to put out into the world wide web. Thus, the headless belly shots, and the code names. I have a highly "google-able" name and so I have tried to be pretty careful about things so far...but I am debating how much it really matters? Do any of you have suggestions, opinions, ideas about this issue?

And last but not least, here is how I look today at 22 weeks:

And.....that's all folks! (for now, at least) I still cannot believe I am 22 weeks pregnant. But Poblano reminds me pretty regularly now with his squirming and wiggling. What a wild wild ride!

Because I know you all have been waiting with baited breath.....

Let me get the big news out of the way first thing:

We are having a BOY!

Yep. And there was NO doubt about it, either!

So, we had our big ultrasound yesterday and all was well. He is healthy and looks completely adorable (if I do say so myself). He is measuring just 3 days ahead which is pretty perfect. His placenta is in the right place, the cord looks good, my cervix is nice and long and closed, all his organs look great.

My amniotic fluid was normal, but just on the low side of normal. My doctor wasn't concerned about this but offered to do a re-check in 3 weeks. So, we get another peak in 3 weeks and I hopefully won't worry too much - because oh, how I love a reason to worry, apparently.

I completely thought we were having a girl, or at least I did until about a week ago when my brain started switching the sex of my baby in my daydreams. I was surprised. But we of course would be ecstatic with either sex, we're just so happy everything looks normal so far.

Of course here is where I should be inserting some lovely ultrasound shots (as well as my missing 18 week and 20 week belly shots) - but my internet keeps shorting out, and this is the first time I have been able to get it to work in days, so I will try to do a big post full of pics later when I am sure of more reliable internet access and I am not cussing out my computer every 10 seconds.

Speaking of photos.....I cannot wait to show you some photos from the maternity photo shoot we did with Mary Beth on Monday night at the Denver Botanic Gardens!!! She offered up a free photo shoot to someone in the Colobloggers group as her way of giving something to the infertility community and I snatched it up as quickly as I could. I will write more when I put up some pictures, but suffice to say that she is an incredibly talented and gifted artist and just generally a delightful woman to spend hours wandering through gardens with (or having lunch, whatever...). So I will try to get those up as soon as I can. And if you ever ever need some great photos of you and/or your family - please look her up!

Other than that....we survived the bathroom remodel, the houseguest, the DNC....and we are trying our best to recover and find a way to belatedly celebrate our anniversary since last week was a bit of a blur. As for my belated birthday gift(since I was working all day and cleaning all evening - totally a crime!) I have scheduled myself for a manicure/pedicure and a 90 min prenatal massage tomorrow. I. can. not. wait.

I have all sorts of poetic ramblings going through my head as I think now of raising a boy in this world - but will have to save those for later....our internet has already gone down twice since I started this post.

I guess with all I have left to post I should just end this with:

to be continued...

17 weeks

Dear Poblano,

You have been growing inside of me for 15 weeks. All of the websites and books tell me that your bones are hardening, your heart is pumping, your lungs are practicing breathing, and you are even gulping down a little amniotic fluid and peeing - which will be excellent practice for swimming at a public pool.

You must be pretty busy in there.

It is strange to think that right now you know so much more of me than I know of you. You know when I am awake or asleep, you know how I am feeling, you know when I am talking, singing, or laughing....but I don't know any of this about you yet. Much of it I won't even learn until you arrive here on the outside. I feel a bit at the disadvantage here.

I find myself wondering about you all the time, wondering what you think of us - your parents, these booming voices you have become so familiar with by now. I wonder what you think of us when we get a little snarky with eachother, when we baby-talk to our dogs, or when your daddy makes me laugh so hard it hurts. I wonder what your favorite moments are each day. Is it when I am driving in the car singing at the top of my lungs? Is it when your daddy comes home and we engage in goofy banter back and forth? Or is it these quiet, silent moments at night when it is just you and I and everything is calm and still?

This is where I sit right now as your mama: in a state of constant wonder and curiosity. I want so much to know you. I rub my rounding belly constantly in an effort to somehow touch you, to communicate with you. I am anxiously anticipating the first time I feel you pressing back. I know already you are moving inside of me, you are kicking, flipping, swaying. But you aren't quite big enough just yet for me to feel these little signals you are sending out to me, to the world.

Be patient little one, your efforts will reach me soon. I can hardly wait.

Love always,
Mama

Long time, no posting.....

I cannot believe it has been 2 weeks since my last post. Wow.

So if any of you are still out there and following this, I should probably explain why I have been such a spotty blogger. (hey, that could be a cool band name, "Spotty Blogger") Here's a taste of what my month has been like (fascinating, I know):

At the beginning of the month, there was the depression. Then the depression eased up and morning sickness took me out. Literally, I couldn't even stand looking at a computer screen any time after noon. Then the morning sickness began to ease up and this week I found myself knocked out by a nasty sinus infection. Totally kicked my ass. Sinus infections make morning sickness look like a good thing. I finally got some antibiotics on Wed. from my OB (Dr. Honey) and waking up this morning without feeling like someone was trying to smash my head in with a mallet was like Christmas morning, only twenty times better. Whew. The morning sickness is still threatening to come back, but seems like it isn't quite as overwhelming as before. So, yeah....physically I have been a bit occupied.

And it has also been just a full month logistically. Mr. Spicy has been out of town on two business trips, which always forces me to up my game a bit. He's been out of town this whole week, missing my festival of incredible pain, aka "the sinus infection saga". This has been good for him - he needs a break from me and my endless whining and neediness - heck, I could use a break from me. But it kinda sucks for me. Or it did this week. I forgot how completely lonely it feels to be sick and have no one coming home to help you. I cannot wait for him to get home!

In addition to Mr. Spicy's trips, we took a short but very full trip together, a couple weeks ago, out to the Midwest to visit my family. We got to visit with my Grandma Penny, who is living in an assisted living home for Alzheimer's patients. It is a really nice facility, and I think she likes it overall. But I know the loss of freedom and independence is really really hard on her. She cracked us up by telling us she liked it there, the nurses were nice to her, but also, "they are all bitches". She certainly has kept her feisty spirit! She was very lucid and alert when we arrived, she knew who we are, that we are expecting a baby, and engaged in lots of conversation with us. More of my family arrived, my aunts and my uncle, two of my cousins, my mom and her fiance.... It was so good to see everyone and Gramma seemed to really enjoy all the attention. But it wore her out after a couple of hours, and that's when it became most evident how much things have changed. The more exhausted she got, the more confused she became. My heart just wanted to reach out and hold her like a child (not that she would tolerate that necessarily) - I just felt so tender towards her. It is hard to see her so frail.

Also on this trip we attended my niece (and goddaughter) and my nephew's dance recital. Again,most of the family showed up and we had a great time being entertained by dancing children of all ages. And what is more darling than precious young girls twirling in tutus? I was all weepy (I blame the hormones) and both my niece and nephew did really well. Although, I should make the disclaimer that my nephew is 3 years old and his performance consisted of wearing a Spiderman costume and tumbling across mats. He was ADORABLE!!!! My niece is eight and essentially had a ballet solo all by herself. I was so proud of them both. I got some video I need to put on to YouTube. Maybe I will post it later. It was really precious.

We got to have some fun meals with family, laughing, catching up and sharing stories and advice. It was so good seeing everyone. We stayed with my youngest sister and her family so I got some really nice one-on-one time with her, which I haven't had much of before. It is wild to now be relating to my "baby sister" about pregnancy and parenting....but she's a great mom and she has a really great perspective on most things. Where I am the person who stresses and over thinks things to death, she is really good at just putting that one foot in front of the other and living life day to day. We had some good late-night talks that helped put my mind at ease about a lot of things.

Overall, it was a great trip - but it was completely fast and furious and FULL!!! It took me a couple days to just recover from it all.

I also had my meet and greet and then my first official appt with Dr. Honey, my new OB. I like her. She is down-to-earth and really kind and approachable. She squeezed in a short ultrasound even though they usually wouldn't give me another one until 20 weeks. Everything looked great. I got to do a heartbeat check this week as well when I went in for the sinus infection and the Poblano's heartbeat was round 160 bpm, right where it should be. So far so good. And I think after coming to the office three times now, I finally am starting to accept that I belong there. At first it was just such a shock sitting in a waiting room full of very pregnant women. I actually felt anxious....like I would get caught for somehow sneaking in the wrong door. But no, I am one of "them" now - and I will just have to get used to it.

And so..... (if you have made it this far dear reader - I owe you a candy bar) - speaking of getting "used to it".....being pregnant that is......that is probably the biggest single reason I haven't been posting.

Right now, and for weeks, my head and heart have been so full of questions, fears, thoughts, ponderings, and realizations - that I simply haven't been able to even fathom getting it out into words. I still can't really. I think the weight, the responsibility, the reality of becoming a mom has just begun to sink in and in my usual fashion I am taking it all in, looking at it from every angle, probably over-thinking it a bit, feeling it all, and slowly slowly digesting it. Being pregnant, knowing I am a mother now, brings up so many things for me, childhood issues, questions of identity, issues of security, family junk, questions about spirituality and faith, fears (so many fears), hopes, and an overall sense of "How in the world am I going to know how to do this?". But I am processing it all, turning it over and over in my heart and in my head, and knowing this is work that needs to be done. And so, I am doing it. Bit by bit by bit, I am doing it. Or at least trying to.

And thankfully, I am not alone in it. I have wise and loving friends and family, a wise and loving counselor, wise and witty blog readers, and a wise and weary husband. I am not alone, even when I feel that way at times. And I am so grateful for that.

What was that line about it taking a village?

Delayed Reactions.....

Morning Sickness.....aka "all day sickness" and "kicks your ass in the afternoon sickness".

Well, I have been mildly to moderately queasy for weeks. I have had an mild aversion to all things edible but was pushing through and thought I had seen the worst of it. Not so.

This week morning sickness, which for me is really more afternoon to evening sickness, has hit with a vengeance. Whoa. I am still not throwing up but I am having a really hard time eating - nothing tastes appealing except maybe lemonade and 7-up. My body "threatens" to throw up throughout the evening and I feel like I have the worst sea-sickness of my life.

So I am learning to try to do as much as I can in the morning while I still feel somewhat stable. Because once afternoon hits I am pretty much an invalid. So fun for hubby, let me tell you!

O-well. I guess this is a good sign, right? It is weird though, I am weaning off my progesterone supplements (we call them the "hoo-ha pills" around these parts) so I would think I would feel better, not worse - but it seems to be working just the opposite!

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Joy.....pure, unadulterated joy!

Well, one thing does seem to be happening as I near the ten week mark and as the supplements decrease - my moods are sooooo much better.

I can still occasionally feel that darkness just around the edges threatening to creep in - but it isn't as overwhelming. And I still feel incredibly fragile and sensitive, which I guess is normal.

But overall? So so so much better. (although I feel I should whisper that so as not to tempt fate)

This week I have finally felt what I had expected to be feeling all along, tiny moments of pure, tingling, sparkling joy that fills my whole being up. They are still small little moments, but they feel absolutely huge!

Although I still often feel doubts about myself and my ability to mother, those doubts aren't as powerful now. They don't steal away my ability to enjoy this pregnancy and my ability to be in awe of what an incredible gift this baby is. I am truly amazed that this is happening, inside of my body no less! Wow.

I know I will probably find myself in periods of darkness again on and off throughout this pregnancy - and even as I become a mother.....but for now the darkness is abated and the sunlight feels so good!

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Ultrasound pictures!!!!

We had another ultrasound at 8weeks 6days - on Monday. It has taken me this long to post them because I could not get the room to stop spinning and have only been online in short spurts this whole week.

Anyway. Our Poblano baby is absolutely gorgeous if I do say so myself! His/her heart rate was 171 bpm which is great and s/he was moving a little, waving his/her arms and legs at us like s/he was dancing. (on a side note - I cannot wait for the "big" ultrasound so I can stop using all these gender neutral double pronouns) My husband and I both love dancing so this was quite a delight for us to see!

And s/he finally looks like a BABY!!!!!

There were no tears of joy this time (well, maybe from Mr. Spicy) - just huge beaming smiles that filled our whole faces - and a big huge EXHALE!!!!

I feel like I can finally, finally, finally believe this is happening - and it feels as though I am being hit with a big giant wave of emotions....mostly though I feel complete awe and joy.

And I feel so so lucky. I hope I never ever forget just how lucky and blessed we are to be here. I know at any point it could have gone (and truthfully, still could go) many different ways. I know there is nothing we could have done or accomplished to deserve this or to make this happen. This is pure grace. Completely.

And have I mentioned, "Wow!" ?

Anyway, here's the poblano - it's not a great scan but believe me when I say in the actual picture s/he looks like a chubby little cherubic baby.
and apparently I need to clean my scanner.....

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OB appointment!!!

I was officially "released" from CCRM this week - which was, for me, a bittersweet moment. I have honestly had a really good experience with my doctor and the nurses who have worked with me over the last many months. When we were still doing IUIs I never connected as much with them - but once we started IVF they were there for me every step of the way and I will miss them. They know me, they know my craziness, and they "get" me. And they have all been so excited and celebratory for us, from the nurse who draws my blood, to the nurse who does our ultrasounds, to our IVF nurse, all the way up to the doctor herself. It has really been a supportive and positive place for me and it was a little sad to walk out for the last time.

But on the other hand.....I am going to an OB!!!!! That means I am really pregnant! Wooohooo!

So. Today is my first "meet and greet" appointment with my Ob-to-be. There won't be any blood drawn or anything, this is just so I can drill her get to know her and feel comfortable with choosing her to oversee this pregnancy. I will, of course, have a slew of questions to ask her and I hope she will have some questions for me too. But really? I could just walk in and say, "Here's my hand, I will need you to hold it, non-stop, for the next 7 months." and that should pretty much sum it all up. That, and the fact that I will need her home number, and her personal cell phone number, and her address - just in case. Hello! High maintenance, party of one?

Just a side note.....she (my Ob-to-be) goes by the first name "Honey". Yeah. Honey.

I am imagining confusion in the delivery room as I call out to my husband...."Honey?" and my doctor answers instead. :)