September 21, 2008

Update, Observations, and Peace....

Just wanted to pop in and give a little update of sorts.

- I was out of town this weekend with friends at their cabin and it was so good to be with people who know us, get us, and love us - even when none of us have showered for two days.

- I have had the nastiest cold all week. Every time I think I am getting better it creeps back up on me. Being sick while pregnant is a whole new kind of torture. (Especially if you are like me and a tad bit paranoid about taking meds, even when your Dr. tells you they are safe. Not that there's a whole lot you can take anyway.)

- I am also experiencing insomnia off and on. I am not used to this at all. I am usually a world champion sleeper. Having to be really deliberate and conscious about my sleeping and my before-bed-routine is a challenge for me. I miss sleeping for more than 4 hours at a time.

- Acid reflux. Holy hell. I have spent at least two nights sleeping upright. I am finding myself capable of things I never knew possible.

- I finished up my first temporary nanny gig on Friday. It was such a perfect job for me and I feel so lucky that I had this opportunity. The last five weeks with these girls have been such a gift. The family I worked for are close friends of ours so it was an added bonus to have this time to develop a closer relationship with their two incredible little girls. I loved it. The one caveat would be that the nasty killer cold came from the girls - but that can't be helped. :)

- I should start the second temporary nanny-gig in a couple weeks when the other family's nanny leaves to have her little boy. I don't really know this family, so it will be a really different experience and truthfully I am a little worried about it since I am getting increasingly exhausted and worn down as the weeks progress and I don't really know these two girls at all. But I am trying to remain hopeful that this too will be a great experience and a great opportunity to make some income while hanging out with some cool kiddos.

- I got my first "You are huge!" comment this week as well. An eighty-two year old woman (with some loss of impulse control) asked when I was due. When I told her, she remarked that I looked as if I was about to give birth any day now and asked if I was sure it wasn't twins. I politely answered her and made a quick exit. The thing is, I am definitely a bit bigger than I expected to be at this point, but I haven't gained a ton of weight, in fact I am pretty textbook right now. I just am carrying everything all out front. Regardless, I am loving my pregnant body right now. Although it still shocks me on a regular basis to look in the mirror and see this big basketball protruding from my abdomen, I feel sexy and beautiful in a way I maybe never have before. I feel womanly. And I like it. (And so does Mr. Spicy....)

- Poblano is moving a lot more and Mr. Spicy was finally able to feel a kick from the outside this week which is it's own special brand of amazingness. But now I freak if he (Poblano) moves a little less from one day or one hour to the next. The doppler still gets a little work out from me once or twice a week.

- We had our re-check ultrasound last week and there is lots of fluid around our little guy, which was a relief. Everything looked great and it was incredible to see how much he has developed in just 3 weeks. He looks like a baby! And we could even tell he has his daddy's lips!

- At our re-check appt my doctor suggested that I might be having anxiety attacks. I have been having sporadic periods of heart-racing and breathlessness but was attributing them to hormones. Turns out, they might be actual anxiety. So I was instructed to get a good measure of my resting heart rate and then record what my heart rate is when these actually occur. The thing is, I don't always feel actively anxious on a conscious level when these happen. Which is probably why I was prefering to chalk them up to hormones. But the more I think about them and when and how they occur, I am more and more convinced that they are a symptom of some internal turmoil. I had one this weekend during a conversation with a friend about something I am working through in therapy. Probably not a coincidence. My heartrate jumped to 130. Lying down and taking a nap seemed to help but I should probably pay more attention to the triggers for these and maybe find some reliable relaxation techniques in the meantime? At any rate, there are a million reasons I could be dealing with anxiety at this time, and all of them are valid. I just hate anxiety because in the moment I just feel it so intensely and trying to figure it out isn't always helpful right then when I am trying to catch my breath. It kind of demands that I stop everything and deal with it, or at least the symptoms of it - right now. Which, ironically, is possibly what my body is trying to get me to do - stop everything and deal with it. But I could go on forever about this.....

- I am almost 24 weeks pregnant which seems like a fluke, a joke, and a miracle all at the same time. So far pregnancy has been everything I hoped for and feared, and so much more. It is the hardest thing I have ever done and also the most incredible. I regularly am flummoxed by the duality of emotions I feel: pure joy and gratitude for being so incredibly fortunate to be here, excitement and anticipation of what is to come, exhaustion and anxiety and general yuckiness, vulnerability and fear, and a big large helping of cluelessness and humility. I mean, how is this really happening to me? I still can't get my brain around it at all. And in general it feels like it is flying by, like all these strange things are happening to my body and to my heart and to my life - but they are happening so fast I can't even seem to catch up. I feel this great longing to stop the clock and have a week or two to just breathe, contemplate, and savor this experience. But instead I feel as though the days are simply speeding by me before I even have a chance to be in them fully. I wish I was more grounded in all of this.


So, here I am, more than halfway through pregnancy, a huge, anxiety-ridden, emotional, congested, insomniac. I feel crazy and happy and overwhelmed and terrified all at the same time. Sometimes, a lot of times, I wish it was easier for me. I wish I was someone who just sailed through with barely a blip, sure of myself, sure of this pregnancy, and sure of what was to come. But that has never been me. So, it has been work - physical, emotional, spiritual work - but I know, I know, how fortunate I am that this work is mine to do. And in the midst of this work there are moments of joy that I thought at times I might never get to experience. Joy that leads me to great hopefulness. So, I am immensely grateful for that - that I get to be here, that I get to do this work, that I get to drink up this joy, and I am just hoping for a little more peace and groundedness in the midst of it. For my sake, for my husband's sake, and for the sake of our son.

Peace. Peace and groundedness.


Anonymous said...

Take care of yourself. You are very right... pregnancy flies by. I would give anything to just stop everything for a little bit and just enjoy that little babe inside. It is so hard to believet that time is moving so fast and soon a baby will be here (I have just over 80 days until my due date! eeek!)

You know this, but I am so happy for you. Try to relax some and take care of the anxiety. You are doing good Duffy.

Love ya!

annacyclopedia said...

Ah, yes. Accepting that things are going to be a certain way because YOU are a certain way. Isn't it weird how it seems to take so long and is so difficult, but it's so obvious? I've been having similar revelations lately - that I don't have a choice about how I do things because of who I am. I might wish that I could be "like everybody else" (whatever that means!) but I will never be that way anyway, so to wish for that is just to resist my destiny. And like it or not, it's my destiny to have to do all the spiritual and emotional work of this life. I know it is tiring sometimes and scary and hard - but as you say, it is rewarding and joyful and beautiful.

I hope the anxiety passes quickly and the issues you are working through give you some space. I love that you are willing to work through what you need to work through and that you are brave enough to share your journey with all of us.

Sending you lovingkindness today.

May you be happy and peaceful.
May you be healthy and well.
May you be safe from inner and outer danger.
May you live with ease in this world.

Samantha said...

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Denise said...

Oh, Spicy. You just put into words exactly how I've been feeling about everything but have been too tired, anxious, scared, annoyed, busy [insert chosen adjective here] to put into words. Completely excited and grateful, but terrified and anxious at the same time. And all I can seem to write about are physical updates about how the babies are growing, or buying things to get the house ready.

The physical symptoms you experience with anxiety attacks are definitely your body's way of telling you to pay attention. The problem is trying to figure out how to pay attention and manage your stress/anxiety before the attack occurs. Let me know if you figure that one out!

In the meantime, wishing you much peace and groundedness!

Jen said...

Thanks for the sweet words!

And I hope you find a little peace...

HeidiM said...

Not sure if you read comments on old posts, sometimes I miss them on my blog, but I had to write and say your post made me tear up. I don't often take the time to appreciate the beauty of pregnancy amongst the discomfort and I'm glad you write about it so that I can remember to appreciate it.