June 12, 2008

Delayed Reactions.....

Morning Sickness.....aka "all day sickness" and "kicks your ass in the afternoon sickness".

Well, I have been mildly to moderately queasy for weeks. I have had an mild aversion to all things edible but was pushing through and thought I had seen the worst of it. Not so.

This week morning sickness, which for me is really more afternoon to evening sickness, has hit with a vengeance. Whoa. I am still not throwing up but I am having a really hard time eating - nothing tastes appealing except maybe lemonade and 7-up. My body "threatens" to throw up throughout the evening and I feel like I have the worst sea-sickness of my life.

So I am learning to try to do as much as I can in the morning while I still feel somewhat stable. Because once afternoon hits I am pretty much an invalid. So fun for hubby, let me tell you!

O-well. I guess this is a good sign, right? It is weird though, I am weaning off my progesterone supplements (we call them the "hoo-ha pills" around these parts) so I would think I would feel better, not worse - but it seems to be working just the opposite!


Joy.....pure, unadulterated joy!

Well, one thing does seem to be happening as I near the ten week mark and as the supplements decrease - my moods are sooooo much better.

I can still occasionally feel that darkness just around the edges threatening to creep in - but it isn't as overwhelming. And I still feel incredibly fragile and sensitive, which I guess is normal.

But overall? So so so much better. (although I feel I should whisper that so as not to tempt fate)

This week I have finally felt what I had expected to be feeling all along, tiny moments of pure, tingling, sparkling joy that fills my whole being up. They are still small little moments, but they feel absolutely huge!

Although I still often feel doubts about myself and my ability to mother, those doubts aren't as powerful now. They don't steal away my ability to enjoy this pregnancy and my ability to be in awe of what an incredible gift this baby is. I am truly amazed that this is happening, inside of my body no less! Wow.

I know I will probably find myself in periods of darkness again on and off throughout this pregnancy - and even as I become a mother.....but for now the darkness is abated and the sunlight feels so good!


Ultrasound pictures!!!!

We had another ultrasound at 8weeks 6days - on Monday. It has taken me this long to post them because I could not get the room to stop spinning and have only been online in short spurts this whole week.

Anyway. Our Poblano baby is absolutely gorgeous if I do say so myself! His/her heart rate was 171 bpm which is great and s/he was moving a little, waving his/her arms and legs at us like s/he was dancing. (on a side note - I cannot wait for the "big" ultrasound so I can stop using all these gender neutral double pronouns) My husband and I both love dancing so this was quite a delight for us to see!

And s/he finally looks like a BABY!!!!!

There were no tears of joy this time (well, maybe from Mr. Spicy) - just huge beaming smiles that filled our whole faces - and a big huge EXHALE!!!!

I feel like I can finally, finally, finally believe this is happening - and it feels as though I am being hit with a big giant wave of emotions....mostly though I feel complete awe and joy.

And I feel so so lucky. I hope I never ever forget just how lucky and blessed we are to be here. I know at any point it could have gone (and truthfully, still could go) many different ways. I know there is nothing we could have done or accomplished to deserve this or to make this happen. This is pure grace. Completely.

And have I mentioned, "Wow!" ?

Anyway, here's the poblano - it's not a great scan but believe me when I say in the actual picture s/he looks like a chubby little cherubic baby.
and apparently I need to clean my scanner.....

OB appointment!!!

I was officially "released" from CCRM this week - which was, for me, a bittersweet moment. I have honestly had a really good experience with my doctor and the nurses who have worked with me over the last many months. When we were still doing IUIs I never connected as much with them - but once we started IVF they were there for me every step of the way and I will miss them. They know me, they know my craziness, and they "get" me. And they have all been so excited and celebratory for us, from the nurse who draws my blood, to the nurse who does our ultrasounds, to our IVF nurse, all the way up to the doctor herself. It has really been a supportive and positive place for me and it was a little sad to walk out for the last time.

But on the other hand.....I am going to an OB!!!!! That means I am really pregnant! Wooohooo!

So. Today is my first "meet and greet" appointment with my Ob-to-be. There won't be any blood drawn or anything, this is just so I can drill her get to know her and feel comfortable with choosing her to oversee this pregnancy. I will, of course, have a slew of questions to ask her and I hope she will have some questions for me too. But really? I could just walk in and say, "Here's my hand, I will need you to hold it, non-stop, for the next 7 months." and that should pretty much sum it all up. That, and the fact that I will need her home number, and her personal cell phone number, and her address - just in case. Hello! High maintenance, party of one?

Just a side note.....she (my Ob-to-be) goes by the first name "Honey". Yeah. Honey.

I am imagining confusion in the delivery room as I call out to my husband...."Honey?" and my doctor answers instead. :)


s.e. said...


I love the way you described the "tiny moments of pure, tingling, sparkling joy that fills my whole being up". It is what we all dream of and you truly seem to be appreciating it. I understand the morning sickness sucks though. Life always has to be a balance of good and bad huh?

Denise said...

Uggh, the morning sickness is worse for me in the afternoon/evening too. I wonder if it's just that we feel so much worse because we're exhausted by then. Maybe I'll experiment and try to take naps this weekend and see if it's better.

But I'm so glad to hear you are doing good emotionally. I too can sense the darkness around the edges and just try to ignore it and push it away.

Meg said...

Poblano is quite a cutie! Sorry you are feeling yucko. Maybe you need a cupcake?!

Miriam said...

What a beautiful baby! Glad you are feeling better emotionally and hope the sickness goes away. I hear ginger is awesome for it. I have a great super smoothie recipe that I drank every day in the morning. Email me if you want the recipe. :)

annacyclopedia said...

So very glad the sun is shining on you again. You deserve this joy so much.

I hope the "morning" sickness passes soon. I've heard that some sour candies can help, too.

Thanks for your comment - I'm still in a funk, but am calming down a bit. Just have to wait some more and keep breathing. You know, the usual!

Phoebe said...

I'm glad you're feeling better emotionally. The morning, noon and night sickness sucks, but should lessen or go away in the second trimester. Congratulations on "graduating"!

HeidiM said...

Glad to hear you're enjoying your pregnancy, I loved the way you described it too!!! And poblano looks great!!

s.e. said...

I hope you are feeling alright...have you tried Seabands? Just a suggestion if your are still yucky.

Thinking about you.