November 26, 2008

And the "mommy guilt" begins......

So, I lied. Or I forgot. Or both.

Last week at the end of my "32 week" post I said I would take my 32 week belly pic and post it later. Now, it hasn't been all that uncommon for me to slack off and not post a belly pic in a timely fashion. And this time I had some good excuses as our internet went down, we prepared for company, company arrived, etc. etc. But this time?

I completely spaced taking the picture. I have no 32 week belly shot. And it appears I am well into forgetting to take one at 33 weeks as well, since that landmark is passing me by as we speak.

No big deal right? Except I haven't been consistent on writing letters to our Pepper either and I feel like he will one day look through what I wrote and collected during this pregnancy and wonder why there was an entire month between photos and much more than that between journal entries or letters to or about him.

And I know he may not even care, but I also know that he might. I recently acquired my own baby book from my mother and I was surprised at the intensity with which I poured over every written detail and photo. From who attended my mother's baby shower, to pictures of me with the family cat. I wanted clues to this period of time, this time I cannot and will never remember, I wanted to know how my parents felt about me, how I affected their lives, what my life was like in those early days and weeks and years.

So, I feel like something as small as forgetting to document my 32nd week of pregnancy with an appropriate photo could leave a hole in the narrative I have to offer my son. And I realize already that there are so many holes, so many days and weeks undocumented. So many moments when I look down at my growing belly with absolute awe, and feel him move and whisper, "I love you" - that I have never ever written down. And I worry he might never know just how in love I am with him already at this moment, how in love I am with being pregnant, how this is truly the greatest and most amazing time of my entire life and that in many ways it is all because of him.

So here it is. Written down. In case I forget to tell him.

Little man, you are so deeply wanted and loved. I am so honored and happy to be your mama and to have the priviledge to carry you, nourish you, and bring you into this world. I will forget many things, I already have. But I will never ever forget to love you.


annacyclopedia said...

Hope you can let yourself off any hook of mommy guilt, Spicy. Your little Poblano will know that he is loved and that is enough. There are gaps in all narratives, and in my view they are not diminished by the gaps in any way. Makes me think of that Leonard Cohen quote: "There is a crack in everything / That's how the light gets in."

And I also don't think we ever know, as children, the depth or intensity of our parents' love. Not completely. Friends have said that they gained a fuller understanding once they had children themselves, but I still think that there is a way that we are in the dark about that, that their love for us remains a mystery, something only the parents can fully understand. You will always have the precious treasure of remembering those quiet moments of awe and complete love for your little Pepper, before he was your Pepper, before you knew his name, before you held him in your arms. And that treasure is yours alone.

Aww, I'm all sentimental cause it was my birthday yesterday and my mom called me up all weepy, telling me about the first time she held me and how I looked at her in a way nobody had ever looked at her before. Sniffle.

Hope all is well with you, Mr. Spicy, and Poblano.

Denise said...

I'm a blubbering mess after reading this post. I have absolutely no doubt that your little Poblano will always know how much his parents love him.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Meg said...

You are amazing...and your little man will know this. I have no doubt.