November 09, 2008

Bizarre Dreams

this morning I awoke from a bizarre but somewhat obvious dream:

I had given birth to twins (unexpectedly). A girl and a boy. The girl was born a full day and a half before the boy. So, somehow I found myself leaving the hospital with the little boy, strapped into his car seat, which was placed on the floor on the front passenger side of the car (of all places), and driving to pick up my little girl from wherever she had been for the last day or so.

After picking her up and placing her into the same precarious car seat configuration - I headed, not home, but to someone's house. There were tons of people there, for some sort of gathering, led by an older man who is a counselor. Two of the people there were people who don't like me very much IRL and they stared and snickered at me from across the room, judging how poorly I was mothering my little ones.

Which was not an unfair judgment since I began by leaving them in a hot car for several hours by accident before remembering to go out and retrieve them, and upon retrieving them realized neither had been fed yet - ever. So I fumbled about with breastfeeding in this crowded house, all by myself. I was not too good at it. I managed to do it successfully for a few minutes but worried my babies were starving.

Despite my negligent care, they were both pretty good and quiet babies. But maybe too quiet. Once I got them home, I kept forgetting things, like changing them, feeding them, or where I layed them down. I would put one down and forget all about him/her for hours.

Finally, I walked into the "nursery" to find my little boy levitating several feet off of the ground. I was obviously concerned by this - but more concerned with the fact that he was busy chewing on a ball point pen and I worried he might choke himself. I rushed across the room, and he said very calmly to me, "Sorry! I guess I already like pens!" and he threw the pen to the ground. As he did this, whatever spell was keeping him floating weightlessly in the air was broken and he fell to the ground with a thud.

I picked him up, and he was fine except that he was suddenly much bigger, with a full head of curly red hair.

Then - I woke up.

I think as I look toward the final weeks of pregnancy, I am facing my fears of my own ability to mother well. It is no longer an abstract concept. I will be caring for an infant soon. Everything I thought I knew, everything I thought I had to offer - none of it feels certain. How do you prepare for this?


annacyclopedia said...

I'm not sure you can prepare - the anxiety in this dream means nothing about what you have to offer, which is all that you are and all you will become as a mother and as a woman. The anxiety is just the anxiety. You will negotiate caring for your firstborn the same graceful way you negotiate other parts of your life which have been full of the unknown. With compassion, wonder, and an open heart. I know you will be simply brilliant!

Not to say it won't be tough at times, but I am as certain as I possibly can be that you will not leave your son in a hot car, or put his carseat on the floor of the car!

This dream actually sounds very similar to the waitress-mares I had all the time when I used to waitress - a full section, nobody working the kitchen, forgotten customers that suddenly needed my attention. Actually, I still get those dreams from time to time...

AJ said...

Did you get my previous (long) comment? I'm not sure if I sent it correctly, or not. Thx, AJ

Anonymous said...

Duffy, motherhood is the most wonderful thing that can happen to someone (my opinion of course). There is nothing in life that can prepare you for that little guy. But, you will do it. You will know what his cries mean, how to take care of his needs, how to love him and take care of him. It is quite amazing how mommies can adapt to their babies and even more so as they grow.

I didn't believe anyone when they told me about the love you will feel for the baby when they are born. I loved him while he was inside me, ya know? It is amazing Duffy. That unconditional, overwhelming love you feel when you see your little baby the first time is just incredible. I was so overtaken by it that I cried. Once again, I am wondering about the love I will have for my baby to be, but I sit and remember that love I felt and still feel for Johnny. You will too. It is the best feeling in the world.

Have faith in yourself. You will be a good mother. Those that care, show it in turn to their babies.

Denise said...

Gotta love those dreams. The levitation part cracks me up! I've decided there is no way to prepare and so I'm choosing to not think about it until I have to. I guess avoidance is my chosen method right now!

areyoukiddingme said...

You can't prepare to be a good mother. You can only know that you're doing the best you can. You're sure to find yourself doubting that you can do it many times over the next few years. Then you just take a deep breath and remind yourself that you are capable of handling whatever comes your way.

The Muser (aka Beautiful Mama) said...

I remember those dreams! Though mine tended to center around the birth. I kept giving birth to black cats instead of a human baby. Hope your dreams are more peaceful lately...