First. Thank you everyone for your comments and support on those last two posts. Wow. I am just so impressed with you all. You all are so insightful, so right on, and so incredibly kind. Thank you.
Second. Mr. Spicy and I are working through the financial stuff. He came with me to my counselor tonight and we talked more about it. It is hard for him, of course. But I think we both realize that there is a lot of purpose in this struggle and that on some level it is probably going to be so good for us both in the end.
Third. We are going for our IVF consultation and our carnival of testing tomorrow. That includes a new semen analysis for Mr. Spicy (aka "fun with a cup") and communicable disease testing for the both of us. I will get the special treatment, however. I get to have a hysteroscopy (my uterus is already primping herself for the camera - I can feel it....) and a doppler ultrasound to measure blood flow to my uterus and I will also have my AMH level tested. I am actually really excited for the consultation. I think we will get our "calendar" (aka "that which will rule our lives for the next several months like a hardened 200lb dominatrix") - and we will finally have a "plan", something to look forward to that is concrete and real. The testing is freaking me out a little though...
So I took my antibiotic tonight like a good little patient, and I am trying not to worry too much about tomorrow. It is so funny, (well not funny, no not really funny at all actually, more odd really) - when we first began the medical portion of this journey, I really hoped the doctors would find something wrong with one of us - preferably something easily fixed, but something. That way we wouldn't just be left wondering why it hasn't happened yet for us. But nothing was found. So now here we are, at the last hurdle before the official IVF boot camp begins, and I am so nervous that they will find something - Some thing that prevents us from moving forward right now, something that derails our train, something that creates a road block - even a temporary one. And let me tell you, if this happens - I will not be ok with it.
It has taken SO much just to get to this point. I have had to "let go" of plans, of dreams, of ideals, of a truckload of money, of opportunities, of hopes....I have had to "adjust", "respond", "re-evaluate". And to get here, here where even six months ago I could not fathom being, I have had to make new plans, new hopes, new ideals, new dreams - and now? Now I am so totally on board with this new plan, this new path, this new ideal - so "on board" in fact that the thought of having to change this yet again makes me break out in a sweat. So no, no it will not be OK if something comes up. Something has already had its chance to appear. It was invited, it was waited on, and it was a no show. Something stood me up. So now? Now, something does not get to just stroll through the door - hours late for our date, and demand to be taken out to dinner. Nope. Sorry. There is no room. I will not tolerate it. (ha! as if I really have a choice here, right?)
I am trying to stay positive. Nothing will happen. Everything will be perfect. textbook perfect really. And my uterus will get her moment to shine - she did such a good showing for the HSG, I have every faith she will do the same for her photo shoot tomorrow. She's really photogenic, you know? She's a bit of a ham - I think she'd secretly like to be a contestant on America's Next Top Model. But she's too good for Tyra - and she's not willing to go on a diet. She's just all hip and progressive like that. Um, yeah, I just said my uterus is "hip and progressive" that's right, got a problem with that?
Ok seriously though - tomorrow feels big. Really big. Like we are really going to do this crazy thing.