April 12, 2008

A Beginning and a Burial.

Well, I started my stims this morning. I was up from 2am till 6am fretting about them. But all went smoothly. Now I will do 3 injections daily: 10u Lupron and 2 vials Menopur each morning, and 300u Gonal-F in the evening. I called them my "fertilizers" this morning and am visualizing them growing up healthy clusters of follicles like plump luscious grapes on a vine. This feels like the last big "beginning" - we are on our way to the retrieval now, officially. I am excited and very nervous at the same time. I have another ultrasound and more bloodwork on Tue to see how these fertilizers are working for me. All I can say is, wow. I still kind of can't believe this is here, this is us, we are really doing this. Wow.

Also today, we finally buried Mr. Jones.

Because I left town the night he died, and then Mr. Spicy was out of town, and then we had guests - this was the first weekend we had open to devote to this very important ceremony.

So, Mr. Spicy retrieved his body from the clinic. I picked out a pear tree (pears symbolize separation and immortality in some Asian cultures). I wrote a short ceremony for us to follow. It was appropriately cold and drizzly, as if the whole world was being quiet and sad with us, for us.

We poured water over his body to release him fully from this world and release him from any suffering or pain he experienced while he was here. We poured oils of grape seed, myrrh, cassia, and cinnamon over his body to anoint him with our love and honor his spirit and his connection to God. We wrapped his body in white cloth, the cloth that made the aisle at our wedding. We poured rose petals into his grave and laid him to rest upon them. Then, we each read our eulogies and we prayed, and cried, and said "Thank you" and "Good-bye".

Finally, really, good-bye.

I lit a candle.

We covered him with dirt and then planted the pear tree above his grave.

He is really gone.

I don't know how to feel. I feel really sad and I feel an emptiness. But I also feel peace. And I feel really good about finally letting him go, letting his body return to the earth. It seems appropriate to say good-bye to him today, to honor his life, on this day - the day when we begin the stage of IVF that most closely resembles Spring, growth, new life - the stage of taking of medications to cause my little seeds to grow and grow and grow inside of me, into what we hope will become our future child(ren). Throughout this entire process, loss and death have been so very closely tied to hope and new life, and beginnings. He died on the day that I began bleeding, began the entire process. His passing is entwined with every stage of this cycle. He is still reminding me, every day, every step of the way...to pay attention.

Pay attention. Right now.


Lori said...

This is a very moving post. It touches me on many levels.

Thanks, SS.

s.e. said...

A beautiful ceremony. I hope you found solace and hope on this eventful day.

Alwen said...

So, so beautiful. I'm so sorry you had to bury Mr. Jones, but I'm so glad he had someone full of love and an understanding of passage and symbol to help him move on.

Alwen said...

Oh, and so exciting about this new stage of IVF!!! I love your image of the grapes and spring and that this has become a positive, life-affirming process for you.

beautycourage said...

Such a sweet post. Thank you.

Jen said...

What a touching ceremony.

And good luck starting stims!

HeidiM said...

This post is so beautiful, it should be linked to from spirituality-related blogs everywhere!!

Love the visualization of "plump luscious grapes on a vine." I am big into visualization and liked to envision a loving, pink light shining softly in my womb.