I have been in the thick of emotion, in the thick of my brain and my heart, lately.
I feel as if a bright light is being shone on my wounds, on my shortcomings, on all the ways I fear I am not enough, on all the ways I fear that my partner is not enough, on all the ways I fear that even if I somehow scraped together all the goodness in this world - it still might not be enough.
I am painfully aware of how I wish I was more healed, more whole, less selfish, less needy, less broken, less messy. I am bitterly aware of how much I fear, of how dangerous I feel this world is sometimes.
Could be hormones, could be simply the work I need to do or the place I need to be right now. Either way, it is painful. I want to be a better person. I want to be a better wife. I want to have more to offer my child - right now I feel as though I have so little. I want to have more to give, I want to BE more.
I recently discovered this poem and read it over and over and over. I needed these words right now. I needed to be reminded of the tenderness of my wounds, and the holiness of my shortcomings and my scars. I needed to be reminded to be gentle with myself right now.
The Healing Time*
by Pesha Gertler
Finally on my way to yes
I bump into
all the places
where I said no
to my life
all the untended wounds
the red and purple scars
those hieroglyphs of pain
carved into my skin, my bones,
those coded messages
that send me down
the wrong street
again and again
where I find them
the old wounds
the old misdirections
and I lift them
one by one
close to my heart
and I say
holy
holy.
(*copyrighted material)
2 comments:
What a beautiful poem! Thank you so much for sharing it - another one for my collection of poems I should put on my fridge. You are doing so beautifully well in all of this. I know it hurts to be where you are - in transition - cause I've been there, too, and I tend to respond the same way. I may have shared this with you before, but my mom always likes to remind me that times of transition mean we are on sacred ground. And you are definitely on sacred ground right now - this painful revisiting of old things from a new perpective will bring you insight and awareness, and will break your heart open to new love. I am so proud of you for being willing to hold all of this with such grace and gentleness, and I know that you are doing all of this just perfectly.
You are often in my thoughts and prayers, and I wish you much gentleness, peace, and clarity.
I remembered you posted this -- I sped read it the other day, but I was thinking about it today when I was walking the dogs (don't tell anyone...I'm supposed to be on bedrest). I came home and looked it up....it's pretty much how I've been feeling lately. I think, why didn't I have a baby with ex #1, or ex #2...would it have been better? I think not.
I'm unequivicably saying yes to carrying a baby, yet I am fearful of not having enough to give. It's a funny time...there's a tendancy as a parent-to-be to want to be "fully cooked" as a human, and at least close to the peak of maturity, yet life is long and that keeps coming.
I know in my heart though that a child doesn't need perfect. A child needs love. I get the feeling love comes easily to you. Even the most reticent of humans I think are capable of full-on-lovey-dovey. So bring it on, I say.
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