May 10, 2008


I think I need a "do over".

Mr. Spicy and I use this term whenever one of us has done something or said something we regret and wished we could go back and "do over". I have asked him for a lot of these over the years.

I am asking for a "do over".

I was hurt yesterday, and truthfully, I am still hurting. But, I posted something out of anger and pain and allowed a very small group of people to affect me much more than I would have liked to.

What I regret is that I took the time to write about them instead of writing about the much much larger group of people who have surrounded me with joy and happiness and blessings this week. I wish I would have written a post about the gratitude that I feel for all of them, and all of you, instead.

Because I have never been so overwhelmed with support and love in my life. Emails, comments on the blog, calls, etc. People who have traveled this road with me for years and have never stopped hoping for us, people I have only known for a few short months, and even people I have never met came out to tell me how happy they were for me, for us. This experience has been humbling and it honestly hasn't even fully hit me yet.

I have been consistently amazed at how good people can be, how much they will allow themselves to hope on someone else's behalf, how wonderful it is to have so many people to celebrate with. So first and foremost, if I had a "do over" I would say "Thank you" to all of you. Thank you is not enough - but I do not have any bigger words to express how filled with gratitude I am for your words, for your hearts, for your prayers, for your joy, for your goodness. I can feel your love, your kindness, your good will surrounding me. Thank you.

And, to draw from a post Denise made yesterday, I cannot help but to be especially grateful for the support coming from those of you who are still waiting, who are still in the struggle, and who have recently experienced a loss. Your ability to celebrate and give to me in the midst of what you are going through is really inspiring and beautiful. I know how hard it was for me at times to truly celebrate with others when they would get that ever elusive positive that I had waited so long for.

Like Denise said in her post, this all feels so new to me. Suddenly everything has changed in a few short days and I am in a new "category". I have crossed over some unseen threshold and I stand in a place that for so long I could only imagine. But I still feel very much the same. In many ways, I still feel like (as Denise put it), "same old infertile me".

And while, for me, I am just continuing to write from my heart and that doesn't feel a whole lot different than before - I do realize that my posts have become and will become increasingly about this pregnancy and motherhood. And again, echoing Denise's post, I hope I will continue to be someone who is supportive and encouraging to all of you - I want to be there for you, and I long to celebrate you, as you have celebrated me, when your heart's desires are finally met. But I do know from experience that this blog might not be what some of you will want or need to read during this time - and I understand. I really really do. I am so grateful you have journeyed with me thus far, and while I hope you will stick around, if you need to take space - I really do understand .

I am filled to the brim with gratitude tonight. The support I have received from so many of you has been what has truly kept me afloat at times, and the excitement and encouragement you have given me this week has invited me to a very risky, very scary, but very beautiful place, a place of Joy.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.


Denise said...

This post is just giving me massive warm fuzzies!

Duck said...

Another warm and fuzzy post, I love all the love going around. Makes me so happy.

Maryanne said...

We are so happy for you! It gives us hope that one day all of us WILL finally get to that "other side" called motherhood!

Meg said...

Happy Mother's Day lady!

Meg said...

Happy Mother's Day lady!

Miriam said...

(((hugs))) Honey!

I don't think I every got the chance to really congratulate you, so consider this it! I'm so happy for you and can't wait to go through another pregnancy vicariously. And, as someone who has BTDT, TAKE A LOT OF PICTURES and spend some time every day just enjoying the beauty of what you are going through. It sounds trite, but it does pass so quickly.

s.e. said...

Just letting you know...I am sticking around. It is the success stories that make our world bearable sometimes. And no matter how rocky it gets, I am always still happy when one of us crosses over.

Your "do-over" was not necessary but the thank you was well received. Keep posting your feelings and don't worry about how your blog evolves. Marvel in every moment!

And I am still smiling about your numbers baby! Amazing doubling story!

s.e. said...

Ok...One more comment. Your comment just made me cry good tears. The reminder to be gentle was well received and necessary. Thanks.

annacyclopedia said...

Right back at ya, Spicy! I feel kind of like launching into a gushy ballad right now. You're the inspiration. You're the wind beneath my wings. I will always love you. Etc.

Your heart is so big and shiny - you so quickly changed your focus from the bad to the good. I have to say that I really admire that - I tend to hang on to hurts for way too long, I think, and sometimes miss out on the good stuff because of that.

I know that your big heart will serve you well not only through this pregnancy and into motherhood, but also as a part of our community here. I know you'll never lose touch with your compassion and your sense of solidarity with everyone going through the longing for a baby. So thank you for being yourself and for being such a gift to me and to others.

And thanks for saying I'm cool! I might print that comment off and carry it around in my pocket to show people. Looking forward to reading your response whenever you collect your thoughts and probe your memories!

Anonymous said...

Pregnancy is full of ups and downs, so expect to be positive one day, and negative the next.

Gratitude can do so much wonders for the heart! I'm so happy for you!

HeidiM said...

I'm glad to see you focusing on the good stuff out there. Really it does seem like 99% of infertility blog-land is all good. I am definitely going to keep reading, I'm a fan of your writing so doesn't matter what you write, I'll read it. But I DO want to hear how the pregnancy is going, for sure. What day is the heartbeat U/S??