September 11, 2009

Climbing just out of reach

I'm in a funk.

It all started last night. I was rushing around trying to get presentable to meet a friend for dinner. Mr. Spicy had just arrived home, greeted Zane and I, and had gone upstairs to change out of his work clothes.

Zane crawled across the living room to follow his Daddy. He crawled to the bottom of the stairs. And then? He began CLIMBING them.

He climbed up, stair by stair, all the way to the top, to find his beloved "DaDa".

We clapped and celebrated with him, this massive accomplishment. I sent out a mass text message to friends and family announcing my son's brilliance.

And then I sank into a weird funk.

There is no way around it. He is growing up.

I am left with so many mixed emotions about this that I might twist myself into a pretzel just trying to get a hold on them all.

I am so so proud of this little boy and I am loving exploring with him, playing with him, getting greater glimpses into who he is, what makes him tick, and watching in amazement as he tackles these great big milestones without a hint of hesitation.

But oh my. I miss my baby. I miss the cuddly, squishy, sweet little one who I could hold for hours. I miss the soft cloud of infant hood that seemed to surround our time together, slowing me down - making time irrelevant. I miss him.

Tonight I mentioned to Mr Spicy that Zane may well be walking by Halloween. His face dropped.

"That makes me sad!"

"I know."

I do. I know that even though his budding independence and mobility are these beautiful, strong, incredible parts of the boy he is becoming, even though I want this for him - I know that he is moving quickly out of my reach....away from me.

As he should. As he should.

But still....

I am just not ready.

I am not ready for this at all.

I want to beg someone to give us more time. The days, the weeks, the months have flown by so fast. How can we be here already? On the verge of our baby walking, on the verge of his running, on the verge of Toddlerhood?

It isn't that this season doesn't hold its own treasures.

It's just that it is all happening so fast.

Too fast.

He is already so many steps ahead of us both.

Already we are just barely keeping up.


Denise said...

I feel the same way, completely. It feels like you blink and "poof!" your baby is gone.

The Muser (aka Beautiful Mama) said...

I can relate. I actually like the independent stages much more than I liked the cuddly infant stages--there's just so much MORE of SparkleEyes to know and love as she gets older and more independent--but I keep imagining SparkleEyes moving out of this stage and it makes me sad. Doubly so as I know I may never have another and this may be the only time I get to experience this particular part of raising kids...Supporting a kid totally in their growth, even when it means getting less of something we've really enjoyed, is one of the hardest parts of being a parent, I think. And attending to their needs even against our own needs (for closeness, that lovely baby adoration, their undivided attention, whatever) can be so very, very hard. Hope the funk passes soon and you discover even more deep joy in the boy Zane is becoming and the widening of his world and heart!