June 26, 2009

"To beat as my own heart"

I recently read this post and this one, (by an amazing blogger known as Her Bad Mother) and I wept with the familiarity. Though she is much further down this road than I am, and has already said so many more good-byes, she is foreshadowing the storm I can already feel brewing in my heart. And it scares me.

The storm within me that is my knowing that my heart must let go, must let my little boy grow up a little more every day, a bit more every week, and a lot more every month. That he will. That he has already, so much. That I have already said good-bye to more pieces of him than I can fathom in these five short months. And it doesn't look like it is going to get any easier any time soon.

The baby who sucks on his lips and laughs so easily, the boy who pats me on the back when I hold him close, the infant who clutches at my arms and pinches me like a crab to pull me closer. The bouncing, jumping, already exploring, chubby legged little cherub. I want to hold him here forever. I want to....

"just hold on and breathe him in and pretend that we are still two pieces of one body, that I could, if I wanted to, press him back into my chest to beat as my own heart."

She says it so much more eloquently than I can. As I read her words, I find my own heart speaking to me through them.

How do we do this as mothers? How do we hold on, breathe them in, remember, and then let go? I know we must. But how? How do we survive it?

1 comment:

The Muser (aka Beautiful Mama) said...

Oh, I can so relate. I wrote to SparkleEyes at one point in the journal I keep for her that I feel like everyday I say goodbye to one baby and welcome a new one--and of course there is beautiful continuity, but there are parts of her that I don't get to see and enjoy anymore. I know, though, that they are deep in her, deep in me, deep in her daddy, treasured. For me, surviving the losses has gotten so much easier as I have worked hard on healing my own wounds and as I remember that each time SparkleEyes becomes more independent and moves away in some way from me, she becomes more and more her own glorious self--there is more of her to love and know. And that is so worth reveling in. Luck and peace and love to you as you find your own way.