June 25, 2009

Do I even deserve to call myself a blogger anymore?

Geez it is hard to blog these days!

Between Zane hitting the age where he is somewhat mobile, excited to explore his environment, and in need of almost constant interaction and my recent health issues (I will get to that in just a sec) - it's been....crazy.

Being a full-time mom is by far the hardest, most consuming, most challenging role I have ever had. Just when I think I am finding my rhythm, something shifts and I feel totally out of my league again. Please tell me I am not the only one who had a hard time finding her Momma groove?

It's the managing of my/our time, the neverending to-do lists, the necessary organization, the "doing" of motherhood that I keep struggling with. The loving of my son (and oh how I love him!) , the snuggling, the taking walks in the rain? Those, I revel in. Those are easy. Those are the moments I get out of bed for every day.

And he is totally worth every second of it. Of course.

Health issues. Well.

So, I have had several "episodes" in the last few months. I thought they were back spasms. I would feel pain radiating up my sternum and around to my back and then my entire back would sieze up and I would be completely imobilized with pain for 5-10 minutes. I have been seeing my chiropractor and massage therapist to get some relief.

Ha. Well. This weekend I had another "episode". Only this time it did not get better. It didn't go away, it just kept getting more and more painful. I tried standing in a hot shower, I tried icing my back. I moaned and breathed through the pain as if I was in labor. It was honestly right up there with back labor if not worse. Finally, after an hour of this - when I could no longer feel my extremities and I could barely walk - we headed to the ER.

Long, painful, story later.....I have gallstones. I was having a major gall bladder attack. It took 4 IV injections of Dilaudid to manage the pain. There was talk of needing to remove my gall bladder immediately if they could not get the pain under control. Thank goodness that didn't have to happen.

I was discharged on a super-strict no/low fat diet and told to follow up with my primary and a surgeon. I have those appointments scheduled next week so we will see how they go. The diet sucks but if it keeps me from having another attack, I will do it as long as I need to. Of course, adding these new guidelines to my already gluten-free diet means I am ridiculously restrictive in my eating.

I am anxious about surgery for several reasons: a) surgery! b) removal of an organ!, and c) Zane is not taking bottles at this point, so ensuring he is fed while I am out of commission for the surgery and getting the drugs out of my system, is problematic. He will take a couple of ounces from a sippy cup (or a small regular cup for that matter), and he eats his rice cereal mixed with breast milk like it is going out of style, but I worry he won't eat enough. Also? My breasts HATE the breast pump and I can usually only pump 2 oz or so in a sitting, and! my milk goes sour in the freezer for some reason. Literally every bag of frozen milk I have warmed up is bad, really bad. So....in order to have surgery I have to somehow have several bags of freshly pumped milk ready and I have to have convinced Zane that the bottle and sippy cup are not his enemies. That doesn't feel daunting at all.

So. We'll see what the doctors say and go from there, I guess.

Also? This all happened on Mr. Spicy's very first Father's Day. Poor guy, it really sucked for him. I promised him a Father's Day do-over.

And then, on top of all this, I went and had a major fall yesterday in Boulder. I was walking with Zane in the Ergo on my chest, carrying take-out food for myself and a friend. And - bam! In my efforts not to fall on Zane (I was successful, thank goodness) - I ended up landing on my knee and elbow. I ripped my pants wide open and received nasty scrapes and bruises on my knee and elbow. Today I am still pretty sore and feel like I was hit by a truck. Ugh.

SO. That's what's going on in my world.

And in the time it took me to write this post, my little houdini unswaddled himself three times and woke himself up with his wild arms. He loves being swaddled to sleep, but then he pulls his arms out and he can't sleep like that. Anyone else have this issue? Any suggestions???

Ok, I'd better get off to bed myself. More posts to come soon. I am running behind on Zane's monthly letter (he turned 5 months on Father's Day) and I haven't written about his adventures in eating cereal (I have lots of pictures too!), so I have some writing to do.


Denise said...

Oh, this sounds all too familiar!! I definitely thought the gall bladder pain was worse than labor. I'm convinced that the best course of action is to remove it. The surgery itself was cake and recovery was pretty fast also (as long as they can do it lap). Hopefully whatever they decide will be quick and take care of the issue for you. I wish I could offer some advice on how to handle feeding Zane, but my surgery was actually the beginning of the end of nursing for us. Hopefully you can figure it out and you'll both get through it smoothly!

Spicy Sister said...

Denise, I totally thought of you - I actually went back and read your posts about your own gall bladder issues and found them very familiar! Thanks for the advice about the surgery too, it helps to get other's experiences.

poppy.f.seed said...

ouch! Hope it resolves soon.
I think that you can still call yourself a blogger, and new moms get a free pass anyway!

annacyclopedia said...

Oh, boo. I'm sorry to hear about your gall bladder issues. I have no experience with such things (well, I had what I think was a gall bladder attack once, but I'm not sure, and it never came back, so hopefully I'll never find out) but yes, surgery is scary and so is the prospect of living with future attacks if the diet isn't completely successful. Not to mention the hell of no/low-fat diet in addition to the gluten free. Blah!

As for calling yourself a blogger, I don't blog much more than you do, and my baby is still in my belly! You are one of my favorite bloggers, even if you started doing only annual posts!

Anonymous said...

I'm trying to remember about the milk bcs mine tasted really strange after I froze it too...I know it happens to a lot of breast milk(has to do with an enzyme that starts with an L and the changes it goes through when it freezes, I think). The milk is usually still drinkable/healthy and doesn't need to be thrown away. I remember seeing some tips on how to fix the weird taste, but can't remember them. I'm sure if you called La Leche they'd be able to give you some advice on it as they probably see this all the time as it's a pretty common problem. Pumping--ugh. I had a really hard time getting much milk. I had better luck with a hand-held pump than the electric. So sorry about the gall stones. :( Praying for you and for a resolution to the feeding issues.