Bizarre Dreams

this morning I awoke from a bizarre but somewhat obvious dream:

I had given birth to twins (unexpectedly). A girl and a boy. The girl was born a full day and a half before the boy. So, somehow I found myself leaving the hospital with the little boy, strapped into his car seat, which was placed on the floor on the front passenger side of the car (of all places), and driving to pick up my little girl from wherever she had been for the last day or so.

After picking her up and placing her into the same precarious car seat configuration - I headed, not home, but to someone's house. There were tons of people there, for some sort of gathering, led by an older man who is a counselor. Two of the people there were people who don't like me very much IRL and they stared and snickered at me from across the room, judging how poorly I was mothering my little ones.

Which was not an unfair judgment since I began by leaving them in a hot car for several hours by accident before remembering to go out and retrieve them, and upon retrieving them realized neither had been fed yet - ever. So I fumbled about with breastfeeding in this crowded house, all by myself. I was not too good at it. I managed to do it successfully for a few minutes but worried my babies were starving.

Despite my negligent care, they were both pretty good and quiet babies. But maybe too quiet. Once I got them home, I kept forgetting things, like changing them, feeding them, or where I layed them down. I would put one down and forget all about him/her for hours.

Finally, I walked into the "nursery" to find my little boy levitating several feet off of the ground. I was obviously concerned by this - but more concerned with the fact that he was busy chewing on a ball point pen and I worried he might choke himself. I rushed across the room, and he said very calmly to me, "Sorry! I guess I already like pens!" and he threw the pen to the ground. As he did this, whatever spell was keeping him floating weightlessly in the air was broken and he fell to the ground with a thud.

I picked him up, and he was fine except that he was suddenly much bigger, with a full head of curly red hair.

Then - I woke up.

I think as I look toward the final weeks of pregnancy, I am facing my fears of my own ability to mother well. It is no longer an abstract concept. I will be caring for an infant soon. Everything I thought I knew, everything I thought I had to offer - none of it feels certain. How do you prepare for this?

Backlog of belly pics

I am so far behind on posting these....geez! But for all of you who may still be interested - here are the much-delayed belly pics of weeks 24-30. Enjoy!


Week 24:




Week 26:



Week 28:




and Week 30 complete with my big pink Obama shirt, which turns out to be quite accurate!:

On the front lines of hope

I have a 30 week belly pic I need to post later tonight - complete with my ex-large PINK Obama t-shirt. ( I also have 24, 26, 28 week belly pics I plan to post.....)

BUT - we are having computer issues and I am thoroughly exhausted at the moment.

I have been so fortunate to be working the front lines, volunteering for the Obama campaign for several days. I've done canvassing, phone banking, and today my neighbor and I spent 10+ hours working as "Section captains" managing the drivers volunteering for our district and working with poll workers to relay information and deal with all sorts of voter issues and conflicts. And it has been incredible.

The one disappointment has been learning how uneducated I have been and really so many others have been about voting procedures, especially around things like mail-in ballots and provisional ballots. So many of the issues cropping up at the polls today were with people not voting in their precinct, or voting via provisional ballots because they did not use the mail-in ballot sent to them - both situations mean that their votes aren't counted right away, have to go through a really complicated process of verification and may not even be counted unless there is a dispute. Add to that the blatant instances of those trying to interfere with or deliberately mislead voters showing up at the polls in our predominantly democratic district - and it can be a bit discouraging.


A really surprising and positive thing today was visiting polling places throughout the day and never seeing very long lines or waits as there have been in years past. It is obvious that a huge amount of voters voted early this year and that is exciting for so many reasons. It means people were voting with intention, purpose, and pre-planning rather than waiting until the last minute. It means people were more involved and excited about getting out to vote and making their voices heard. And it means that whatever issues are cropping up at the polls today - they are affecting a far smaller percentage of voters than they would have otherwise.

Being involved in this campaign has been an experience I will carry with me for my lifetime and one I cannot wait to share with my son, who kicked and rolled around inside of me today, seeming to share in my excitement and emotions. The group of people we worked with was one of the most diverse, passionate, kind, intelligent, wonderful groups I have ever had the pleasure to be a part of. As exhausting and overwhelming as today has been for me, I cannot imagine how so many of these people who have traveled across the country to be here, leaving families and jobs behind, to be here every single day - I cannot imagine how these people have kept up their energy and their passion for months now. It is so good to be reminded of the strength and deep goodness in people all over this country, all over the world. People willing to work together, to collaborate, to cooperate, to make sacrifices, to affect change - to bring positive movement in a world, in a nation that has held much disapointment recently for so many. I am so proud to be part of them, even in my own small way.

Every day I showed up there was such an overwhelming swath of volunteers cramming themselves into the campaign office that those running the efforts were frequently completely caught off guard with how to best mobilize such an unexpectedly huge amount of people showing up and wanting simply to help. This is an amazing problem to have and one I have rarely heard of plaguing other volunteer-driven organizations. I know some of this is probably due to the sensational nature of this candidate and the election as a whole. But in a nation where so many are suffering, so many are experiencing loss of jobs, it still really amazes me that so many showed up to give. To give of their time, their resources, their energy.

I want Obama to win, I want democrats to win. For numerous reasons, personal and political. But today I also desperately want Obama to win so that all these volunteers, these millions who have shown up in so many ways, for so many months - these people who choose to hope, choose to believe that their efforts will make a difference - so that all of these people will be rewarded, will be proven right - their efforts will work, their work will affect change, and maybe it will carry forth into future issues. Maybe it will restore more people's faith that they can make a difference, they can become involved for issues they care about, and their involvement can matter. And maybe all of us will live a little differently - live just a tiny bit more with intention and willingness to give to bring about the changes we are hungry for. Not just for ourselves, but for all of us - together.

I have been reluctant to celebrate my nationality, hesitant to engage in any form of patriotism, for at least 8 years now. I have felt disenfranchised by our politicians and administration. I have had a difficult time being "proud" to be an American. I have grieved at baseball and soccer games when the national anthem was played. I have had dreams of leaving the country.

Today, this week - I am reminded that this IS my country too. I do have a place and a voice here, and I am proud to engage in it and be a part of it. I am proud of my fellow residents of the U.S.. I am proud and I am hopeful.

And gosh, it feels so good to let go of some of my cynicism, my anger, and to hope - with realistic expectations - but nevertheless to hope.

(now I have to rush off to a big party downtown for all the volunteers - I am dead tired, but I am not ready for today to be over yet - so I am going to go mingle with thousands of others and hopefully CELEBRATE!!!!!)

Showing my cards....

I generally have been steering away from commenting on all things political lately, at least online - which is strange because I am pretty out spoken in my "real life". I think I have seen so many political online "conversations" become complete shit storms that I have just not wanted to invite that upon myself.

But....I can no longer hold out. I am so excited and had to share that in one hour I will begin my volunteer work for the campaign of this man:

Probably the first person my husband and I have had a major crush on simultaneously. ( I sound like I am 12 now, don't I?)

And, yes, I have plenty of reasons for supporting him besides the fact I get all googly-eyed whenever I hear him speak. I do, really. In fact, I was a bit of a skeptic for awhile. I originally leaned more towards Hillary in the primaries. Not Mr. Spicy though, he's been an Obama man all the way.

And just a side note, if you like reading memoirs, his book, Dreams From My Father, is really a great read. Really. And it ends before he even goes to Harvard, so if you aren't a supporter of him politically, you won't have to read anything about his political career there at all. It's just a phenomenal book. (apparently there is a big controversy over whether he had a ghost writer to help him with this book and who that might have been - eh, whatever, like I said - still a really great read)

So, I hope my little volunteering stint in this last few days before the election will somehow make some small difference. I am excited to be a part in what is truly an historic election. I am finding myself as excited and passionate as I was back in 1992, the first election I could vote in. I was 18 and completely ga-ga over Bill Clinton. I even got to shake his hand. And even though Clinton didn't exactly turn out to be the messiah or anything, I am still proud of how involved I was back then. And truly, this is the first election since that I have felt this hopeful and involved. And I see so many others feeling the same way - and that for me is really inspiring. So, while I hope my efforts will contribute to getting my candidate elected - I hope even more that by being involved I will somehow be a part of getting even more people involved in the political process. People who might not otherwise have come out to vote. Because at the end of the day that is part of what has been most hopeful for me about all of this: being reminded that this is my country, and that I have a right and a responsibility to make my voice heard and to be involved in it.

Now, remembering to hold onto that energy even when the BIG election is over, and the smaller processes are taking place on a city, county, and state level - that is where the real battle will be for me long term. But, one day at a time, right?

How are you feeling about the election? Are you excited? hopeful? Pissed off? Over it? bored? cynical?

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And completely unrelated....I am in complete denial that I am now over 29 weeks pregnant!!!!! I cannot believe it. But I will be posting updates and belly pics soon - promise!

The perspective of the rain...

Three years ago we took a trip to Costa Rica, our first there together. We backpacked through the country, catching buses, staying in cheap hotels....it was magical.

Midway through the journey we arrived in a mountain town, high in the cloud forest, called Monteverde. We arrived by way of a rickety old bus driven precariously through the mountain roads. We got into town around noon or so and quickly found rustic and affordable lodging. We unpacked a bit and prepared to explore the area in the afternoon.

I don't remember exactly where we were when it began raining that day. Had we already left the room? Had we made it into "town"? I honestly can't say. But I do remember that it began to rain with such force and fury at 2pm in the afternoon that it felt as if the whole sky might indeed fall in upon us. The air was replaced by sheets and sheets of torrential rain released out of some invisible faucet above. It seemed that there could not possibly be that much water in the entire world.

People retreated from the streets, the bright afternoon darkened. It felt oppressive. And we wondered how long it would continue. But then, about 4pm, like clockwork, the faucet was turned off, the sun came out again, although muted by the clouds that area is known for, and it was all over.

We found out quickly through locals that in May this was pretty much standard for Monteverde, every day there would be these short intense rains beginning around 2pm. We just needed to plan accordingly. So, the next day we planned around the rain, had a fabulous morning, and by the time the rain hit we were happily enjoying Costa Rican coffee in a coffee shop and marveling at the beauty and power of nature.

It's all in the perspective isn't it?

A week and a half ago we were holed up in a luxurious hotel room, enjoying a blissful, romantic babymoon. (ironically, payed for almost entirely with rewards from our credit card, the one we used for many of our IVF expenses) We were well fed, well rested, thoroughly romanced and our internal emotional buckets were full for the first time in a long time. We laughed at our usual worries and talked about the things to come with a sense of peace. We were happy and content.

Then we returned home and within days the first rumblings of thunder began.

Mr. Spicy had decided to accept an offer at another company and after returning from our babymoon, gave notice to the team of people he had helped build and lead for six years. And a whole host of complications surrounding that decision came up like the first drops of impending rain - that we were not expecting.

The tension continued to build around his job stuff, our finances, future concerns we had been able to laugh at only days before.

And then, we decided (well, Mr. Spicy decided) to take in a cat. Seems harmless enough right? She had been crying and crying at our back door for a couple of days, she wanted in, she wanted petting, she wanted food. She was obviously not just another neighborhood alleycat. She had been with people before. Mr. Spicy began bringing her tuna on the deck, and before too long she had moved in - complete with a litterbox and premium cat food. I checked everywhere for someone who might be looking for her, but had no luck. We decided to keep her "for now" and talk about maybe trying to find her a good home after we had vaccinated and spayed her. The best laid plans....as they say.

Well, a few nights ago she began having diarrhea, and it got all over her back end. Mr. Spicy, trying to be helpful, grabbed a spray bottle of dog/cat cleaner and another spray bottle of what he assumed to be water to clean her up. He got her all clean, things seemed well, we went to bed. When we awoke the next morning we found the kitty curled up in a ball on our couch, growling in pain, we couldn't touch her without her yowling. I then noticed the cleaning supplies from the night before and realized that Mr. Spicy had sprayed the kitty, not with water, but with a solution I had mixed up for cleaning our kitchen. It was water, vinegar, and multiple essential oils. The essential oils I used were precisely the kind that are toxic to cats if ingested in large amounts. We feared we had accidentally poisoned our kitty.

We rushed her to the vet hospital for two days of IV fluids, multiple medications, much hand wringing on our part, and literally hundreds of dollars spent. In the hospital she spiked extremely high fevers and it became clear that we may not have had a role in her sudden illness at all. She may have simply had a severe infection. Regardless, we have now bought and paid for a cat - full on. We felt sick at the thought that we may have accidentally harmed her, we felt worried and sad for the little kitty who had so sweetly chosen our home to invade, and we felt anxious and ambivalent about all the money we were spending - money we really didn't have to spare - for a kitty we had only known for a week. We never regretted taking her in, doing the right thing for her - but those two days really took their toll on us.

During that same 48 hours, the truck that Mr. Spicy drives to work, the 19 year old monster of a truck with a broken door lock, the truck we knew we would need to replace in the next year - well, it sort of died. In reality, a major component of the truck died, and it is simply not worth it to put the money into it to replace it. But, if you can imagine - we were dealing with uber-expensive sick kitty in the hospital and the thought of needing to replace a vehicle, basically all at once.

And the rain came pouring down.

It felt very much like that oppressive rain storm our first day in Monteverde, I couldn't catch my breath, there were too many things happening at once - and too much we simply didn't have a buffer for, financially or otherwise. I sunk quickly into feeling sorry for myself, for us. Why was all this happening at once? How could we possibly take on more debt just as everything was changing? Soon, Mr. Spicy would start his new job, soon we will have a new baby - now we have to buy a car, pay vet bills, and we still have to pay for baby stuff and a doula, and Christmas....and and.....anxiety ensues. And the torrential downpour just gets louder.

But then? Then we remembered some "emergency" money we had stashed away. Not enough to fully cover the vet bills, but enough to make a big dent. And, probably more importantly, we remembered we were not alone. I called my dad who has an extra car he doesn't use regularly and asked if we could borrow it for a little while to give us time to buy a car. Not only did he gladly and generously offer it to us, but he made it clear we could borrow it for as long as we need to save up for a good car, a car that will be safe and dependable and actually fit our needs. Which was such a huge relief that I began to cry.

It is such a typically "American" and an extremely indulgent problem to have: the need to buy a car. I mean really. I wish I was someone who was able to simply figure out how to do without one. But for now, with Mr. Spicy working so far away and needing to be able to travel to different offices throughout the day, and with my nanny work - we aren't able to creatively work out another option just yet . And yes, how ridiculous to cry over a car, over maybe having to purchase an old, high mileage vehicle because that is all we could could afford right now - "Oh noes!" I know, I know - it could be so so much worse. And I feel sufficiently ridiculous about it. But knowing we can wait, wait till Mr. Spicy is comfortably settled into his new job, wait till our little Poblano makes his appearance, wait till we have a bit more saved from bonuses and tax returns to make this large purchase more reasonable and less rushed - well, it was like the rain just suddenly stopped pouring. And the sun came out. And I could take a full breath again.

And now? I look back over the past week and feel a bit silly and embarrassed. Somehow, I let this strange and admittedly stressful sequence of circumstances send me into a dark and fearful place. I am not surprised I ended up there, not surprised I possibly became WAY more stressed out than was necessary, not surprised that I allowed these events to invade my psyche and convince me once again that I could not rest, I am not safe, the world is dangerous and unpredictable, and we are all alone in it. I am not surprised. I am dismayed. I don't deny that we had a stressful cocktail of events all at once - I don't blame us for letting those effect us. But now that it has stopped raining, or at least for the most part - Now that our new kitty (her name is Tallulah by the way) is home safe and sound and just as sweet and loving as ever - Now that my dad and stepmom have reached out to us in this generous and loving way........

Well, now I can see that it wasn't the rainstorm meant to drown us, or ruin us - it was simply a short and powerful storm that has cleared up relatively quickly. We weren't drowned, we didn't lose much more than money and an old truck that was on its way out anyhow - we are ok. Sure, as Mr. Spicy makes this next big transition, it will be hard - we will both grieve the people he is leaving, the people he has known for 6 years, we will both feel anxious about the new expectations and new environment for him. He will be under some stress as he navigates his way into this new world. But we are ok. He is ok. Our kitty is ok. We are all ok.

I know part of my heightened reaction is due to pregnancy. And even if it isn't - that's my excuse and I am sticking to it! But I also know that some of it is just me, just us - and how we respond when things go off track for us. We have friends who face enormously stressful situations with so much more grace and so much more ability to simply shrug and move forward, doing what needs to be done. We get there eventually - but not without much gnashing of teeth, inner-soul-searching, and moaning and rolling on the floor. Ok, maybe not rolling on the floor...but you get my drift.

I just wish sometimes we could remember the perspective of that second day in Monteverde, the knowing that the rain would not last forever, was not going to harm us - that we would be ok. I wish we could find ourselves in a cafe, sipping coffee, waiting out the rain, and not losing sight of the beauty and power all around us in the midst of it. I wish we more regularly were the ones helping others out of the rain rather than needing that help so much for ourselves.

I am grateful that the rain was as short as it was. I am grateful for the lessons we have learned even in that short time. I am grateful for the perspective I have this morning, and that it didn't take me longer to get here. I am grateful we are fortunate enough that these were our worries.

Maybe next time I will not be so frightened when it begins to rain. Maybe next time I will remember.....

Babymoon

When we first became pregnant we dreamed of a vacation on a beach somewhere as our last getaway before the third trimester hit and before we became new parents. We were going to spend long days lounging on the beach, drinking cold fruity drinks, frolicking in the surf and reading good books. Ha!

That was obviously before we realized all the costs involved with baby-having. Not that we're broke, but my working temp jobs here and there, our house projects, prepping for parenthood, etc...well they have left us a bit more realistic.

So, we are headed to a hotel downtown for the weekend. A hotel with a heated pool, a large bathtub in our room, room service, movies, and a really comfy bed. I. cannot. wait. To me, these amenities just about make up for the lack of an ocean view.

I am bringing books, supplies for facials (don't tell anyone I told you this, but Mr. Spicy likes the facials as much as I do!), sexy pj's, a swimsuit, a dress (for if we manage to actually leave the room), and not a whole lot else.

There are a lot of moments I hope will unfold this weekend for us, I hope it is romantic and reinvigorating and restful. But also?

I hope I get to eat a big giant ice cream sundae, that I didn't have to make, while sitting in a hot bathtub. And then? I want to read trashy gossip mags in a bed I won't have to make either.

I am aiming high here people!

So....are any of you pregnant ladies planning a "babymoon" of your own? (and don't you think the title of "babymoon" is a bit silly when you actually say it out loud?) What are you planning?
Or any moms out there have good babymoon stories to share?

Haunted....

When we were in the throws of trying desperately to get pregnant and facing our infertility, the lack of control, the heartache, the desperation I felt seemed to remind me constantly on a deep emotional level of a time when I was younger, more helpless and felt similarly out of control and stuck and desperate for something to change. It was as if the pain created a bridge in time between the two and I was constantly traveling back and forth between them. I ended up feeling lost and traumatized in the present by memories and emotions I had long ago left behind. I felt haunted. It was difficult to distinguish where my feelings were coming from - was I suicidally depressed just because our final IUI didn't work, or was it also tapping into pain I felt when I was so much smaller?

Anyone who has dealt with or is dealing with trauma can probably identify with this. It is not that uncommon.

So now, I am pregnant. When we first found out we were pregnant I wondered if this trauma response in me would rear its ugly head again, I wondered if I would truly be able to cherish and enjoy this pregnancy the way I longed to. Thankfully, for the most part, I have been able to. I had some depression early on, and more recently have dealt with anxiety - but thank G.od it has been nothing like what I feared. In fact, I am already grieving how fast it is passing me by because I want more time to really soak in the miracle and wonder that having this little one inside of me truly is.

But it has not been easy.

Being pregnant touches on my control issues in a whole different way than infertility did. With infertility I felt stuck. I felt as if all the effort in the world might not move me from the spot I had found myself in. I remember one day, meditating on a large boulder in the middle of a fast moving stream, thinking how I felt like that boulder, stuck in the middle of life with everything around me moving past me, leaving me behind - and I wept. In that meditation though, I also received a sense of peacefulness, if just for a moment, about being still like that - about letting the events in my life shape me, about being powerless but strong. I learned a lot during those weeks, months, years - the experience was not wasted on me.

Powerlessness in pregnancy has a whole different feel to it. I no longer feel stuck. If anything I feel as though I am being swept up in a fast moving current. I am moving, life is moving. But it is happening so fast, and it feels still so far beyond my power to control very much about it. I can swim, I can float, I can laugh or scream or cry - but in it all I will still be moving swiftly through these currents. At times this has been a peaceful thought for me. Something I could surrender to. The thought that maybe it wasn't all up to me, the idea that there is something or Someone bigger at work here, a force of life much stronger than me. I have been comforted by the thought that the growth of this baby, the course of this pregnancy, the life that has formed and is developing - none of it depends upon me fully. There is no way to "do it perfectly" or "get it right". I simply have to let go, surrender, trust.

Ah....but there's the rub! Surrender, trust.....let go.... Sounds an awful lot like the advice given to me when we were struggling so hard to become parents. And that's where this comes full circle.

Lately, I find myself thinking a lot. a lot. about our journey with infertility. I find myself grieving for the parts of myself I left behind in that battle, for the ways I was stripped bare and wounded. I find myself reminded of that pain, that longing, all the choices we had to make that we never thought we'd make. The great cost of the journey and those choices on our lives, our hearts, our relationships. I am reminded of how alone I felt - how completely alone. I was not alone, but it was such a lonely and deeply personal process, one that not even my partner, who was in it with me and experiencing his own loss and frustration, could ever truly enter into fully with me, as much as he tried (and vice versa).

The good side of being reminded of all of this is that it does make every little kick, every stirring in my womb feel that much more of a miracle. I cannot stop saying "Thank you" for this new little boy growing inside of me.

The down side is - well, it's hard. I am not one of those women who continually identifies herself as someone who became "pregnant after infertility". And as selfish as it sounds, as soon as I became pregnant I felt a strong urge to leave the world of infertility behind me once and for all. I was sick of living there. I know the p.c. thing, the other-centered thing, the human thing, would have been to want to stay in it for the sake of others, to be there for them - to share my story, my hope, my resources, my support. And for a few women, I have. But for the most part, I just wanted to come up for air. I wanted to be free, I wanted to feel "normal" again. But of course there is no feeling totally "normal" when you finally become pregnant after years of trying, after failed treatments, after IVF. At least for me there wasn't. I still worry constantly that my body won't know what to do, that I am "broken" or "deficient" in some way. I worry this little boy will be taken from me. I am overly aware of the fragility of life, of our bodies, of what is at stake here. And I probably always will be, in some way.

It is, in many ways, very much like the bridge in time that was formed during my journey with infertility. Instead, now the lack of control, the fear, the being swept away by it all - it draws me back to my experiences just a year ago, or two years ago. In a way I feel a bit haunted again.

And yet, just as with infertility, and the memories it brought up for me - I feel some sense of purpose in this haunting, this remembering. I know I cannot run from it. I cannot pretend I got here any other way. So when I need to grieve it, I grieve. When I need to just stop and remember, I try to stop and let myself remember. Remember, that a year ago I was bordering on suicidal. Remember, that a year ago I was losing hope that I would ever ever be where I am at today. Remember, that while I am so incredibly blessed and fortunate to be here - it took a lot out of me to make it this far, and I am still healing - still picking up the pieces, still finding myself in the rubble of it all.

Sometimes this is more difficult because the current I am being swept up in is moving so very fast, and constantly, constantly, it feels there are more things thrown into that current with me - more changes, more of life just being washed away, or transported to something completely new. It is like whitewater rafting without a raft.

I was determined when I was that rock in the middle of the gushing waters - I was determined to learn from it, to heal, to find my strength, to practice being still and letting go. And now as I face a very different place of powerlessness I know I will need that same determination to learn to let go, to swim when I need to, and to let the waters carry me when I don't.

Update, Observations, and Peace....

Just wanted to pop in and give a little update of sorts.

- I was out of town this weekend with friends at their cabin and it was so good to be with people who know us, get us, and love us - even when none of us have showered for two days.

- I have had the nastiest cold all week. Every time I think I am getting better it creeps back up on me. Being sick while pregnant is a whole new kind of torture. (Especially if you are like me and a tad bit paranoid about taking meds, even when your Dr. tells you they are safe. Not that there's a whole lot you can take anyway.)

- I am also experiencing insomnia off and on. I am not used to this at all. I am usually a world champion sleeper. Having to be really deliberate and conscious about my sleeping and my before-bed-routine is a challenge for me. I miss sleeping for more than 4 hours at a time.

- Acid reflux. Holy hell. I have spent at least two nights sleeping upright. I am finding myself capable of things I never knew possible.

- I finished up my first temporary nanny gig on Friday. It was such a perfect job for me and I feel so lucky that I had this opportunity. The last five weeks with these girls have been such a gift. The family I worked for are close friends of ours so it was an added bonus to have this time to develop a closer relationship with their two incredible little girls. I loved it. The one caveat would be that the nasty killer cold came from the girls - but that can't be helped. :)

- I should start the second temporary nanny-gig in a couple weeks when the other family's nanny leaves to have her little boy. I don't really know this family, so it will be a really different experience and truthfully I am a little worried about it since I am getting increasingly exhausted and worn down as the weeks progress and I don't really know these two girls at all. But I am trying to remain hopeful that this too will be a great experience and a great opportunity to make some income while hanging out with some cool kiddos.

- I got my first "You are huge!" comment this week as well. An eighty-two year old woman (with some loss of impulse control) asked when I was due. When I told her, she remarked that I looked as if I was about to give birth any day now and asked if I was sure it wasn't twins. I politely answered her and made a quick exit. The thing is, I am definitely a bit bigger than I expected to be at this point, but I haven't gained a ton of weight, in fact I am pretty textbook right now. I just am carrying everything all out front. Regardless, I am loving my pregnant body right now. Although it still shocks me on a regular basis to look in the mirror and see this big basketball protruding from my abdomen, I feel sexy and beautiful in a way I maybe never have before. I feel womanly. And I like it. (And so does Mr. Spicy....)

- Poblano is moving a lot more and Mr. Spicy was finally able to feel a kick from the outside this week which is it's own special brand of amazingness. But now I freak if he (Poblano) moves a little less from one day or one hour to the next. The doppler still gets a little work out from me once or twice a week.

- We had our re-check ultrasound last week and there is lots of fluid around our little guy, which was a relief. Everything looked great and it was incredible to see how much he has developed in just 3 weeks. He looks like a baby! And we could even tell he has his daddy's lips!

- At our re-check appt my doctor suggested that I might be having anxiety attacks. I have been having sporadic periods of heart-racing and breathlessness but was attributing them to hormones. Turns out, they might be actual anxiety. So I was instructed to get a good measure of my resting heart rate and then record what my heart rate is when these actually occur. The thing is, I don't always feel actively anxious on a conscious level when these happen. Which is probably why I was prefering to chalk them up to hormones. But the more I think about them and when and how they occur, I am more and more convinced that they are a symptom of some internal turmoil. I had one this weekend during a conversation with a friend about something I am working through in therapy. Probably not a coincidence. My heartrate jumped to 130. Lying down and taking a nap seemed to help but I should probably pay more attention to the triggers for these and maybe find some reliable relaxation techniques in the meantime? At any rate, there are a million reasons I could be dealing with anxiety at this time, and all of them are valid. I just hate anxiety because in the moment I just feel it so intensely and trying to figure it out isn't always helpful right then when I am trying to catch my breath. It kind of demands that I stop everything and deal with it, or at least the symptoms of it - right now. Which, ironically, is possibly what my body is trying to get me to do - stop everything and deal with it. But I could go on forever about this.....

- I am almost 24 weeks pregnant which seems like a fluke, a joke, and a miracle all at the same time. So far pregnancy has been everything I hoped for and feared, and so much more. It is the hardest thing I have ever done and also the most incredible. I regularly am flummoxed by the duality of emotions I feel: pure joy and gratitude for being so incredibly fortunate to be here, excitement and anticipation of what is to come, exhaustion and anxiety and general yuckiness, vulnerability and fear, and a big large helping of cluelessness and humility. I mean, how is this really happening to me? I still can't get my brain around it at all. And in general it feels like it is flying by, like all these strange things are happening to my body and to my heart and to my life - but they are happening so fast I can't even seem to catch up. I feel this great longing to stop the clock and have a week or two to just breathe, contemplate, and savor this experience. But instead I feel as though the days are simply speeding by me before I even have a chance to be in them fully. I wish I was more grounded in all of this.

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So, here I am, more than halfway through pregnancy, a huge, anxiety-ridden, emotional, congested, insomniac. I feel crazy and happy and overwhelmed and terrified all at the same time. Sometimes, a lot of times, I wish it was easier for me. I wish I was someone who just sailed through with barely a blip, sure of myself, sure of this pregnancy, and sure of what was to come. But that has never been me. So, it has been work - physical, emotional, spiritual work - but I know, I know, how fortunate I am that this work is mine to do. And in the midst of this work there are moments of joy that I thought at times I might never get to experience. Joy that leads me to great hopefulness. So, I am immensely grateful for that - that I get to be here, that I get to do this work, that I get to drink up this joy, and I am just hoping for a little more peace and groundedness in the midst of it. For my sake, for my husband's sake, and for the sake of our son.

Peace. Peace and groundedness.

Argh!

I am SO frustrated with Blogger right now.

Any time I try to do a post with multiple pictures, the layout gets all screwy and it never publishes the way it looks on the "preview". And, and, and - when I look at the page on two different computers, the layout looks totally different.

So, I just spent 30 minutes realigning the photos and text on my last post so that it looks "right" on my computer, but have no idea how it looks to anyone else, since when I checked it out earlier at work it looked perfectly fine - only when I came home did it appear completely screwed up. As if perhaps I was drunk when I was posting? Which I assure you I was not.

Mmmmm......a Margarita sounds soooooo good right now. Damn.

Ok, vent over - sorry. I know this is so trivial and minor. But if any of you blogging gurus out there have any advice, I would welcome your wisdom at this point. Since obviously I am not smarter than Blogger.

Thanks!

All the pretty pictures...

***Warning - loads of pregnancy pics ahead.....

I mentioned being behind in posting photos in my last post, so at long last I am getting them up here.

But first, a pictorial that somewhat explains why I posted so little in August and makes me look just a little hardcore. This is what I was up to...

I wasn't kidding about the bathroom remodel....The first picture shows where our old shower/tub used to be, the second is where our old toilet and floor were, the third shows the disaster that Mr. Spicy found when innocently trying to replace some drywall around the skylight - years upon years of water damage had reduced much of the wood to dust, and the last picture is of me donning my "protective gear" - eye goggles, and the most intense breathing apparatus Mr. Spicy could find to protect me from the dust and fumes. His language of love often leads him right to the hardware store, what can I say?

But, we finished it! Mostly! And wouldn't you know I haven't even taken any finished photos yet? Probably because I still have flashbacks whenever I walk into that room now.





On a happier note....I have a months worth of belly pics to unload on y'all, and also a very cute ultrasound picture, hold onto your hats folks, here we go:


18 weeks

(this is the first time I saw a pregnancy photo of myself and was truly shocked. I just didn't *feel* like I was showing that much. My internal image and external images just were not matching up. Also, it made me feel a bit vulnerable to look so obviously pregnant - which surprised me, a lot.)

Now, here are just a few of the gorgeous pictures that MB took of us at 20 weeks...... if you would like to see the whole slideshow, email me and I will send you a link to it. If you would like her contact info - I can give you that as well. She's truly amazing and gifted. We had so much fun with this shoot and it has left us with visible images of a time we really want to savor and remember and hold onto. Plus, she just made us look really good. I can't say enough about how special this was for us, so I'll just share a couple images.....

20 weeks

And here is what our little Poblano looked like at about the same time:

20 weeks and 2 days

Isn't he gorgeous?

On a side note: We do actually have a name for him already - I am just still debating how much personal info I want to put out into the world wide web. Thus, the headless belly shots, and the code names. I have a highly "google-able" name and so I have tried to be pretty careful about things so far...but I am debating how much it really matters? Do any of you have suggestions, opinions, ideas about this issue?

And last but not least, here is how I look today at 22 weeks:

And.....that's all folks! (for now, at least) I still cannot believe I am 22 weeks pregnant. But Poblano reminds me pretty regularly now with his squirming and wiggling. What a wild wild ride!