How do you do it???

Never have I had more I wanted to write about, more I've wanted to document, more I have wanted to express.

And yet? I simply cannot find the time most days. If I am not busy with the munchkin, I am busy with something else - like oh....showering, laundry, sleeping, cleaning, trying to return a phone call or an email - or spending quality time with the husband.

So - you blogging mamas out there, I am curious - how do you do it? How do you manage to find time to get a few words down in between everything else?

I feel like such a slacker!

Update, Observations, and Peace....

Just wanted to pop in and give a little update of sorts.

- I was out of town this weekend with friends at their cabin and it was so good to be with people who know us, get us, and love us - even when none of us have showered for two days.

- I have had the nastiest cold all week. Every time I think I am getting better it creeps back up on me. Being sick while pregnant is a whole new kind of torture. (Especially if you are like me and a tad bit paranoid about taking meds, even when your Dr. tells you they are safe. Not that there's a whole lot you can take anyway.)

- I am also experiencing insomnia off and on. I am not used to this at all. I am usually a world champion sleeper. Having to be really deliberate and conscious about my sleeping and my before-bed-routine is a challenge for me. I miss sleeping for more than 4 hours at a time.

- Acid reflux. Holy hell. I have spent at least two nights sleeping upright. I am finding myself capable of things I never knew possible.

- I finished up my first temporary nanny gig on Friday. It was such a perfect job for me and I feel so lucky that I had this opportunity. The last five weeks with these girls have been such a gift. The family I worked for are close friends of ours so it was an added bonus to have this time to develop a closer relationship with their two incredible little girls. I loved it. The one caveat would be that the nasty killer cold came from the girls - but that can't be helped. :)

- I should start the second temporary nanny-gig in a couple weeks when the other family's nanny leaves to have her little boy. I don't really know this family, so it will be a really different experience and truthfully I am a little worried about it since I am getting increasingly exhausted and worn down as the weeks progress and I don't really know these two girls at all. But I am trying to remain hopeful that this too will be a great experience and a great opportunity to make some income while hanging out with some cool kiddos.

- I got my first "You are huge!" comment this week as well. An eighty-two year old woman (with some loss of impulse control) asked when I was due. When I told her, she remarked that I looked as if I was about to give birth any day now and asked if I was sure it wasn't twins. I politely answered her and made a quick exit. The thing is, I am definitely a bit bigger than I expected to be at this point, but I haven't gained a ton of weight, in fact I am pretty textbook right now. I just am carrying everything all out front. Regardless, I am loving my pregnant body right now. Although it still shocks me on a regular basis to look in the mirror and see this big basketball protruding from my abdomen, I feel sexy and beautiful in a way I maybe never have before. I feel womanly. And I like it. (And so does Mr. Spicy....)

- Poblano is moving a lot more and Mr. Spicy was finally able to feel a kick from the outside this week which is it's own special brand of amazingness. But now I freak if he (Poblano) moves a little less from one day or one hour to the next. The doppler still gets a little work out from me once or twice a week.

- We had our re-check ultrasound last week and there is lots of fluid around our little guy, which was a relief. Everything looked great and it was incredible to see how much he has developed in just 3 weeks. He looks like a baby! And we could even tell he has his daddy's lips!

- At our re-check appt my doctor suggested that I might be having anxiety attacks. I have been having sporadic periods of heart-racing and breathlessness but was attributing them to hormones. Turns out, they might be actual anxiety. So I was instructed to get a good measure of my resting heart rate and then record what my heart rate is when these actually occur. The thing is, I don't always feel actively anxious on a conscious level when these happen. Which is probably why I was prefering to chalk them up to hormones. But the more I think about them and when and how they occur, I am more and more convinced that they are a symptom of some internal turmoil. I had one this weekend during a conversation with a friend about something I am working through in therapy. Probably not a coincidence. My heartrate jumped to 130. Lying down and taking a nap seemed to help but I should probably pay more attention to the triggers for these and maybe find some reliable relaxation techniques in the meantime? At any rate, there are a million reasons I could be dealing with anxiety at this time, and all of them are valid. I just hate anxiety because in the moment I just feel it so intensely and trying to figure it out isn't always helpful right then when I am trying to catch my breath. It kind of demands that I stop everything and deal with it, or at least the symptoms of it - right now. Which, ironically, is possibly what my body is trying to get me to do - stop everything and deal with it. But I could go on forever about this.....

- I am almost 24 weeks pregnant which seems like a fluke, a joke, and a miracle all at the same time. So far pregnancy has been everything I hoped for and feared, and so much more. It is the hardest thing I have ever done and also the most incredible. I regularly am flummoxed by the duality of emotions I feel: pure joy and gratitude for being so incredibly fortunate to be here, excitement and anticipation of what is to come, exhaustion and anxiety and general yuckiness, vulnerability and fear, and a big large helping of cluelessness and humility. I mean, how is this really happening to me? I still can't get my brain around it at all. And in general it feels like it is flying by, like all these strange things are happening to my body and to my heart and to my life - but they are happening so fast I can't even seem to catch up. I feel this great longing to stop the clock and have a week or two to just breathe, contemplate, and savor this experience. But instead I feel as though the days are simply speeding by me before I even have a chance to be in them fully. I wish I was more grounded in all of this.

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So, here I am, more than halfway through pregnancy, a huge, anxiety-ridden, emotional, congested, insomniac. I feel crazy and happy and overwhelmed and terrified all at the same time. Sometimes, a lot of times, I wish it was easier for me. I wish I was someone who just sailed through with barely a blip, sure of myself, sure of this pregnancy, and sure of what was to come. But that has never been me. So, it has been work - physical, emotional, spiritual work - but I know, I know, how fortunate I am that this work is mine to do. And in the midst of this work there are moments of joy that I thought at times I might never get to experience. Joy that leads me to great hopefulness. So, I am immensely grateful for that - that I get to be here, that I get to do this work, that I get to drink up this joy, and I am just hoping for a little more peace and groundedness in the midst of it. For my sake, for my husband's sake, and for the sake of our son.

Peace. Peace and groundedness.

Argh!

I am SO frustrated with Blogger right now.

Any time I try to do a post with multiple pictures, the layout gets all screwy and it never publishes the way it looks on the "preview". And, and, and - when I look at the page on two different computers, the layout looks totally different.

So, I just spent 30 minutes realigning the photos and text on my last post so that it looks "right" on my computer, but have no idea how it looks to anyone else, since when I checked it out earlier at work it looked perfectly fine - only when I came home did it appear completely screwed up. As if perhaps I was drunk when I was posting? Which I assure you I was not.

Mmmmm......a Margarita sounds soooooo good right now. Damn.

Ok, vent over - sorry. I know this is so trivial and minor. But if any of you blogging gurus out there have any advice, I would welcome your wisdom at this point. Since obviously I am not smarter than Blogger.

Thanks!

Long time, no posting.....

I cannot believe it has been 2 weeks since my last post. Wow.

So if any of you are still out there and following this, I should probably explain why I have been such a spotty blogger. (hey, that could be a cool band name, "Spotty Blogger") Here's a taste of what my month has been like (fascinating, I know):

At the beginning of the month, there was the depression. Then the depression eased up and morning sickness took me out. Literally, I couldn't even stand looking at a computer screen any time after noon. Then the morning sickness began to ease up and this week I found myself knocked out by a nasty sinus infection. Totally kicked my ass. Sinus infections make morning sickness look like a good thing. I finally got some antibiotics on Wed. from my OB (Dr. Honey) and waking up this morning without feeling like someone was trying to smash my head in with a mallet was like Christmas morning, only twenty times better. Whew. The morning sickness is still threatening to come back, but seems like it isn't quite as overwhelming as before. So, yeah....physically I have been a bit occupied.

And it has also been just a full month logistically. Mr. Spicy has been out of town on two business trips, which always forces me to up my game a bit. He's been out of town this whole week, missing my festival of incredible pain, aka "the sinus infection saga". This has been good for him - he needs a break from me and my endless whining and neediness - heck, I could use a break from me. But it kinda sucks for me. Or it did this week. I forgot how completely lonely it feels to be sick and have no one coming home to help you. I cannot wait for him to get home!

In addition to Mr. Spicy's trips, we took a short but very full trip together, a couple weeks ago, out to the Midwest to visit my family. We got to visit with my Grandma Penny, who is living in an assisted living home for Alzheimer's patients. It is a really nice facility, and I think she likes it overall. But I know the loss of freedom and independence is really really hard on her. She cracked us up by telling us she liked it there, the nurses were nice to her, but also, "they are all bitches". She certainly has kept her feisty spirit! She was very lucid and alert when we arrived, she knew who we are, that we are expecting a baby, and engaged in lots of conversation with us. More of my family arrived, my aunts and my uncle, two of my cousins, my mom and her fiance.... It was so good to see everyone and Gramma seemed to really enjoy all the attention. But it wore her out after a couple of hours, and that's when it became most evident how much things have changed. The more exhausted she got, the more confused she became. My heart just wanted to reach out and hold her like a child (not that she would tolerate that necessarily) - I just felt so tender towards her. It is hard to see her so frail.

Also on this trip we attended my niece (and goddaughter) and my nephew's dance recital. Again,most of the family showed up and we had a great time being entertained by dancing children of all ages. And what is more darling than precious young girls twirling in tutus? I was all weepy (I blame the hormones) and both my niece and nephew did really well. Although, I should make the disclaimer that my nephew is 3 years old and his performance consisted of wearing a Spiderman costume and tumbling across mats. He was ADORABLE!!!! My niece is eight and essentially had a ballet solo all by herself. I was so proud of them both. I got some video I need to put on to YouTube. Maybe I will post it later. It was really precious.

We got to have some fun meals with family, laughing, catching up and sharing stories and advice. It was so good seeing everyone. We stayed with my youngest sister and her family so I got some really nice one-on-one time with her, which I haven't had much of before. It is wild to now be relating to my "baby sister" about pregnancy and parenting....but she's a great mom and she has a really great perspective on most things. Where I am the person who stresses and over thinks things to death, she is really good at just putting that one foot in front of the other and living life day to day. We had some good late-night talks that helped put my mind at ease about a lot of things.

Overall, it was a great trip - but it was completely fast and furious and FULL!!! It took me a couple days to just recover from it all.

I also had my meet and greet and then my first official appt with Dr. Honey, my new OB. I like her. She is down-to-earth and really kind and approachable. She squeezed in a short ultrasound even though they usually wouldn't give me another one until 20 weeks. Everything looked great. I got to do a heartbeat check this week as well when I went in for the sinus infection and the Poblano's heartbeat was round 160 bpm, right where it should be. So far so good. And I think after coming to the office three times now, I finally am starting to accept that I belong there. At first it was just such a shock sitting in a waiting room full of very pregnant women. I actually felt anxious....like I would get caught for somehow sneaking in the wrong door. But no, I am one of "them" now - and I will just have to get used to it.

And so..... (if you have made it this far dear reader - I owe you a candy bar) - speaking of getting "used to it".....being pregnant that is......that is probably the biggest single reason I haven't been posting.

Right now, and for weeks, my head and heart have been so full of questions, fears, thoughts, ponderings, and realizations - that I simply haven't been able to even fathom getting it out into words. I still can't really. I think the weight, the responsibility, the reality of becoming a mom has just begun to sink in and in my usual fashion I am taking it all in, looking at it from every angle, probably over-thinking it a bit, feeling it all, and slowly slowly digesting it. Being pregnant, knowing I am a mother now, brings up so many things for me, childhood issues, questions of identity, issues of security, family junk, questions about spirituality and faith, fears (so many fears), hopes, and an overall sense of "How in the world am I going to know how to do this?". But I am processing it all, turning it over and over in my heart and in my head, and knowing this is work that needs to be done. And so, I am doing it. Bit by bit by bit, I am doing it. Or at least trying to.

And thankfully, I am not alone in it. I have wise and loving friends and family, a wise and loving counselor, wise and witty blog readers, and a wise and weary husband. I am not alone, even when I feel that way at times. And I am so grateful for that.

What was that line about it taking a village?

Gratitude

I think I need a "do over".

Mr. Spicy and I use this term whenever one of us has done something or said something we regret and wished we could go back and "do over". I have asked him for a lot of these over the years.

I am asking for a "do over".

I was hurt yesterday, and truthfully, I am still hurting. But, I posted something out of anger and pain and allowed a very small group of people to affect me much more than I would have liked to.

What I regret is that I took the time to write about them instead of writing about the much much larger group of people who have surrounded me with joy and happiness and blessings this week. I wish I would have written a post about the gratitude that I feel for all of them, and all of you, instead.

Because I have never been so overwhelmed with support and love in my life. Emails, comments on the blog, calls, etc. People who have traveled this road with me for years and have never stopped hoping for us, people I have only known for a few short months, and even people I have never met came out to tell me how happy they were for me, for us. This experience has been humbling and it honestly hasn't even fully hit me yet.

I have been consistently amazed at how good people can be, how much they will allow themselves to hope on someone else's behalf, how wonderful it is to have so many people to celebrate with. So first and foremost, if I had a "do over" I would say "Thank you" to all of you. Thank you is not enough - but I do not have any bigger words to express how filled with gratitude I am for your words, for your hearts, for your prayers, for your joy, for your goodness. I can feel your love, your kindness, your good will surrounding me. Thank you.

And, to draw from a post Denise made yesterday, I cannot help but to be especially grateful for the support coming from those of you who are still waiting, who are still in the struggle, and who have recently experienced a loss. Your ability to celebrate and give to me in the midst of what you are going through is really inspiring and beautiful. I know how hard it was for me at times to truly celebrate with others when they would get that ever elusive positive that I had waited so long for.

Like Denise said in her post, this all feels so new to me. Suddenly everything has changed in a few short days and I am in a new "category". I have crossed over some unseen threshold and I stand in a place that for so long I could only imagine. But I still feel very much the same. In many ways, I still feel like (as Denise put it), "same old infertile me".

And while, for me, I am just continuing to write from my heart and that doesn't feel a whole lot different than before - I do realize that my posts have become and will become increasingly about this pregnancy and motherhood. And again, echoing Denise's post, I hope I will continue to be someone who is supportive and encouraging to all of you - I want to be there for you, and I long to celebrate you, as you have celebrated me, when your heart's desires are finally met. But I do know from experience that this blog might not be what some of you will want or need to read during this time - and I understand. I really really do. I am so grateful you have journeyed with me thus far, and while I hope you will stick around, if you need to take space - I really do understand .

I am filled to the brim with gratitude tonight. The support I have received from so many of you has been what has truly kept me afloat at times, and the excitement and encouragement you have given me this week has invited me to a very risky, very scary, but very beautiful place, a place of Joy.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Housecleaning

When I first started this blog, when we first made the decision to do IVF - I knew that there were a few, if not many, people in my life who didn't agree with what we were doing. I knew that for moral, ethical, personal reasons, there would be those who could not or would not support us. Only one person came out and said this to me directly, but I suspected there were others.

So, when we started down this fork in the road I sent out an email to friends and family letting them know that we were doing this, we would understand if they could not support us, and that I would be writing a blog where they could read updates on the process if they wanted to. If they wanted nothing to do with this - fine, you don't have to read. I understand. I do.

Now - I find out that not only are people who are not supportive reading this, but they are reading this to ridicule me, this process, and this blog. In addition to this, they are openly inviting friends to read it and do the same.

This really shouldn't matter to me - and on some level it doesn't. I know that some bloggers have had to make their blogs private for this very reason. But, I don't want to do that. There are some really amazing women who I have met through this process who I never would have met if I had kept a private blog.

I am hurt, yes. But mostly, I am perplexed. If you think I am "overly dramatic" or "stupid" or "irrelevant" - if you really don't care about me or what I am writing about, then why do you read this? Is your life truly that small that you need to take pleasure from tearing another person down for sharing her feelings, for offering and asking for support, for documenting a sacred and important time in her life?

I guess I just do not understand your motivation on any level. I do not understand insulting someone, laughing at them behind their back, cheapening something meaningful to them. I do not understand meanness for the sake of meanness.

If you do not like me? I am totally fine with that.

If you do not like my blog? Even more fine with that.

If you think I am full of shit and you don't agree with IVF? Whatever.

But then, really, why are you coming here? There are people you can identify with all over the internet. Why spend your time here of all places? I have made no secret what this blog is about or what kind of person I am. If that is not your cup of tea, why do you come here?

I am not asking you to understand, I am not asking for your support. I am not asking for you to like me.

I am just asking you, nicely, to please find somewhere else to go.

Thank you.


or, actually, on second thought....stick around. You may think I am dramatic, over-emotional, self-absorbed, ridiculous, and delusional now - but you have truly seen nothing yet! Once these pregnancy hormones really kick into gear? Watch out! But hey, don't say I didn't warn you.

(Seriously though? it's a big wide internet out there.....you might want to check it out. Really. Ready. set. GO!)