35 weeks.....really. wow.

Warning! Half naked belly pics below!

So. I am 35 weeks pregnant today. Holy cow.

Everyone keeps asking "Are you excited?" and "Are you ready?"

The answer to the former is, Yes of course I am, but I am also a bit terrified and overwhelmed at the BIG change about to come into our lives. And honestly, I am grieving being so close to the end as well. I almost burst into tears at my last OB appt. This time has literally flown by and there are still so many things I *meant* to do to commemorate it. And although it has been a hard time in some ways, and certainly a time of reflection and growth and assessment - it has been really, truly, sweet. I love my pregnant body. I love the way my husband looks at my giant growing belly and smiles. I love dreaming about our child together. I love feeling him move and knowing he is safe and sound. I love the feeling of strength and beauty I have knowing I am carrying this life inside of me. And no, I won't miss not sleeping, or having massive acid reflux every night, or feeling like someone kicked me in my vagina - but I will miss pregnancy as a whole. I know, I know, ask me again in 3 weeks and see how I feel, right?

The answer to the latter question is pretty much, "Hell no" - we are so far from "ready" (whatever that means). My "to do" list is more than a page long and I will have to accomplish more than one thing on it per day to ensure we are all set for our Poblano. I have washed some of the baby clothes and erected the co-sleeper (it still needs bedding washed and to be attached to the bed) - I have ordered diapers (cloth) and some other items we are missing - but other than that? Yeah, total slacker. Which is no surprise really. I am a renowned procrastinator. I am the queen of getting things done at the last possible hour. I think I actually work better under that stress some times. But in this case, I am working against a really vague deadline. He could come weeks early, or weeks late, or anywhere in between. Doesn't give me a whole lot to work with there. We aren't setting up a nursery right away though, which saves me some work. He will be staying in our room with us for probably the first 6 months or so. We have a dresser for him and a co-sleeper. There's a changing table in our bathroom and we have a couple swings, bouncy seats, etc. that will reside upstairs and downstairs. So, shouldn't be too difficult, right?

Why does everything seem to take so much more time and effort than I could have imagined though? Take our search for a doula for example. We went to a "Meet the Doulas" night. It was good. Lots of good info. Met 4 doulas. No one really jumped out at us. We interviewed another doula at our home. She was really experienced and knowledgeable and would have done a great job, I am sure - but we just didn't "click" with her the way we hoped to. Then, I spent day after day emailing or calling doulas, only to get no response or to find out they aren't practicing any more or are already booked. FINALLY, this weekend we interviewed another doula and she really rocked. She isn't as experienced as some of the others we've looked at, but she has so many qualities that are such a good fit for us and she seems very knowledgeable and supportive. We connected right away and I felt really safe with her discussing some of my concerns and issues around the birth and preparing for it on a spiritual, psychological, emotional, and physical level. She also has a decade of experience as a counselor working with pregnant and postpartum women and is very familiar with post-partum depression. So, she will be very comfortable supporting me in assessing where I am at and getting the resources I will need if that becomes an issue for me. So, that is finally resolved - which is a huge relief - but gosh it seemed to take forever! Now I need to find a pediatrician. Yeah. I am not looking forward to that so much at all. But I have to have one by the time our Poblano arrives - so I better get on it.

Lots has happened in the last few weeks.

• We finished with our birthing classes. We took the Birthing From Within classes. It was a really great series. We met in the instructor's home, with only 2 other couples. It was small and intimate, and creative, and informative, and empowering. It gave us so much to work with - practical aspects like pain management practices and information about birth, emotional aspects like facing our fears and looking at our attitudes and beliefs about birth and about family, and spiritual aspects like making symbols and birth art, and thinking about how we want to welcome our child into the world.

• I had my baby shower this weekend. Two friends of mine hosted a sweet, intimate, meaningful, and fun shower for me. About 12 other women attended. We had great food (all of it was gluten-free, which is a sure-fire way to tell me you love me!) and each of the women said a blessing or wish for this new season coming upon us, or for our birth. And then there was the present opening. I could not have asked for a better shower. I felt so loved and cared for. But it was also really hard having all that attention on me in such an intense way. I had to literally keep coaching myself to stay calm and to keep my ears and my heart open to receive it all. By the end I was full, and completely exhausted.

• I met with my OB at 34 weeks and addressed with her my concerns about her maybe not being available for the birth and also about my wishes and hopes for our birth. It was an incredible conversation. I have sometimes been hesitant to advocate for myself so obviously - so it felt really good to speak up. She took lots of time with me and was really reassuring about everything. It would take volumes to report back all that we talked about and all that she said. But suffice to say I felt really heard and empowered and supported by the time I left her office and I feel so much more confident that our birth is something we will be active, educated participants in. Dr. Honey has been really consistent in addressing my concerns, fears, and questions with respect and compassion and without making me feel rushed or like the worry-wart I sometimes feel that I am. I pretty much adore her for that. In fact, this visit I again mentioned my worry that Poblano isn't moving quite as much as I would expect and without skipping a beat both she and the medical assistant offered to do another NST just to ease my worries. Of course he was just fine, and he did somersaults the entire testing time just to reassure me - but both of them just continued to tell me not to feel weird or embarrassed about asking to come in for this any time I might be afraid. After talking with others who have had to fight with their Dr.s to even be seen at times - I feel really fortunate to have ended up where I have.

So, I will see Dr. Honey again in a week and they will do my first internal exam and test me for Group B Strep (please let me dodge that bullet!) - I will get to see what if anything is happening in my nether regions to get ready for birth (it sure FEELS like something is happening!). I will also begin weekly visits. And wow, we are really here, aren't we?

And last but not least......I did manage to take a 34 week belly photo, although I am posting it a week late - here is my belly in all its glory! (sorry about the lack of clothing - I can't stand wearing clothes right now any more than I have to)

34 weeks:

Long time, no posting.....

I cannot believe it has been 2 weeks since my last post. Wow.

So if any of you are still out there and following this, I should probably explain why I have been such a spotty blogger. (hey, that could be a cool band name, "Spotty Blogger") Here's a taste of what my month has been like (fascinating, I know):

At the beginning of the month, there was the depression. Then the depression eased up and morning sickness took me out. Literally, I couldn't even stand looking at a computer screen any time after noon. Then the morning sickness began to ease up and this week I found myself knocked out by a nasty sinus infection. Totally kicked my ass. Sinus infections make morning sickness look like a good thing. I finally got some antibiotics on Wed. from my OB (Dr. Honey) and waking up this morning without feeling like someone was trying to smash my head in with a mallet was like Christmas morning, only twenty times better. Whew. The morning sickness is still threatening to come back, but seems like it isn't quite as overwhelming as before. So, yeah....physically I have been a bit occupied.

And it has also been just a full month logistically. Mr. Spicy has been out of town on two business trips, which always forces me to up my game a bit. He's been out of town this whole week, missing my festival of incredible pain, aka "the sinus infection saga". This has been good for him - he needs a break from me and my endless whining and neediness - heck, I could use a break from me. But it kinda sucks for me. Or it did this week. I forgot how completely lonely it feels to be sick and have no one coming home to help you. I cannot wait for him to get home!

In addition to Mr. Spicy's trips, we took a short but very full trip together, a couple weeks ago, out to the Midwest to visit my family. We got to visit with my Grandma Penny, who is living in an assisted living home for Alzheimer's patients. It is a really nice facility, and I think she likes it overall. But I know the loss of freedom and independence is really really hard on her. She cracked us up by telling us she liked it there, the nurses were nice to her, but also, "they are all bitches". She certainly has kept her feisty spirit! She was very lucid and alert when we arrived, she knew who we are, that we are expecting a baby, and engaged in lots of conversation with us. More of my family arrived, my aunts and my uncle, two of my cousins, my mom and her fiance.... It was so good to see everyone and Gramma seemed to really enjoy all the attention. But it wore her out after a couple of hours, and that's when it became most evident how much things have changed. The more exhausted she got, the more confused she became. My heart just wanted to reach out and hold her like a child (not that she would tolerate that necessarily) - I just felt so tender towards her. It is hard to see her so frail.

Also on this trip we attended my niece (and goddaughter) and my nephew's dance recital. Again,most of the family showed up and we had a great time being entertained by dancing children of all ages. And what is more darling than precious young girls twirling in tutus? I was all weepy (I blame the hormones) and both my niece and nephew did really well. Although, I should make the disclaimer that my nephew is 3 years old and his performance consisted of wearing a Spiderman costume and tumbling across mats. He was ADORABLE!!!! My niece is eight and essentially had a ballet solo all by herself. I was so proud of them both. I got some video I need to put on to YouTube. Maybe I will post it later. It was really precious.

We got to have some fun meals with family, laughing, catching up and sharing stories and advice. It was so good seeing everyone. We stayed with my youngest sister and her family so I got some really nice one-on-one time with her, which I haven't had much of before. It is wild to now be relating to my "baby sister" about pregnancy and parenting....but she's a great mom and she has a really great perspective on most things. Where I am the person who stresses and over thinks things to death, she is really good at just putting that one foot in front of the other and living life day to day. We had some good late-night talks that helped put my mind at ease about a lot of things.

Overall, it was a great trip - but it was completely fast and furious and FULL!!! It took me a couple days to just recover from it all.

I also had my meet and greet and then my first official appt with Dr. Honey, my new OB. I like her. She is down-to-earth and really kind and approachable. She squeezed in a short ultrasound even though they usually wouldn't give me another one until 20 weeks. Everything looked great. I got to do a heartbeat check this week as well when I went in for the sinus infection and the Poblano's heartbeat was round 160 bpm, right where it should be. So far so good. And I think after coming to the office three times now, I finally am starting to accept that I belong there. At first it was just such a shock sitting in a waiting room full of very pregnant women. I actually felt anxious....like I would get caught for somehow sneaking in the wrong door. But no, I am one of "them" now - and I will just have to get used to it.

And so..... (if you have made it this far dear reader - I owe you a candy bar) - speaking of getting "used to it".....being pregnant that is......that is probably the biggest single reason I haven't been posting.

Right now, and for weeks, my head and heart have been so full of questions, fears, thoughts, ponderings, and realizations - that I simply haven't been able to even fathom getting it out into words. I still can't really. I think the weight, the responsibility, the reality of becoming a mom has just begun to sink in and in my usual fashion I am taking it all in, looking at it from every angle, probably over-thinking it a bit, feeling it all, and slowly slowly digesting it. Being pregnant, knowing I am a mother now, brings up so many things for me, childhood issues, questions of identity, issues of security, family junk, questions about spirituality and faith, fears (so many fears), hopes, and an overall sense of "How in the world am I going to know how to do this?". But I am processing it all, turning it over and over in my heart and in my head, and knowing this is work that needs to be done. And so, I am doing it. Bit by bit by bit, I am doing it. Or at least trying to.

And thankfully, I am not alone in it. I have wise and loving friends and family, a wise and loving counselor, wise and witty blog readers, and a wise and weary husband. I am not alone, even when I feel that way at times. And I am so grateful for that.

What was that line about it taking a village?

Walk On

I woke up in a major cloud this morning. It was bad. I was dreading the day - figuring I was in for another hard one.

But then?

Well, I had plans with an old friend. I thought about canceling but it was a really good reason to shower and dress and leave the house - all things that can become seemingly impossible these days.

We met up in this cool neighborhood halfway between the both of us. The place we planned to meet was closed due to a kitchen fire. This was funny to us because every time we have tried meeting in this neighborhood our plans go awry. After grabbing a smoothie at a coffee shop nearby, waiting for another place to open only to find that it didn't have the kind of food we were craving, and finally getting a heads up on a good 'breakfast place" and walking several blocks to get there - we sat down to "breakfast" at noon. We had originally met at 10:30.

My friend is single and in her early 40s. I found during the years we were struggling with all the unknowns of infertility that my single friends could best identify with what I was feeling. We would sit and talk about our longing for something that felt so out of our control, the feelings of being judged by others around us as if us not having the thing we most desired was somehow our faults....there was a lot of common ground.

But now, I am pregnant. And I still love spending time with my single friends, but I worry and wonder if for them I represent one more person who has finally got what she was waiting for - while they still wait. And I feel so frustrated on their behalf. Some of my friends who are single long to be married and have families, some just want a committed companion. Whatever they want, there is so much uncertainty in their journey to find it, so much self-blame, doubt, loneliness, and feeling as if the rest of the world is moving on without them. Sounds so much like infertility doesn't it? Except....there are no specialists, no clinics, no adoption agencies to help them realize this dream. Sure, they can try online dating, matchmaking services, blind dates.....but in some ways it feels like it is still just a total crap shoot. Which I guess IF can be at times too, but at least I felt we had options, very real options, with percentages of success even. You can't really get that when you are looking for a partner. Heck, even when you find one....

Anyway.....spending time with this friend was so so good. As different as our situations are right now, there were still so many emotional places we could find common ground in. And being with her - being able to say all that I was thinking, being able to hear her, connecting - it completely changed my whole day. Being understood, being heard, it is seriously undervalued. This is the best medicine I could have asked for today. And I think it was probably really good for her as well. We both seemed lighter as we walked back to our cars and went on with our days.

I have always felt I could handle anything on my own if given enough time. I always approach stress and sadness in my life by hiding out and fighting it out on my own. And even though I have had amazing friends, amazing people in my life who have encouraged me to ask for help, to reach out, to need them - I have always always struggled to do this. Lately, I am consistently surprised how much it helps to connect with a friend, even just for a short conversation by phone. I am realizing I need these people, I need my community to keep me afloat.

But I still suck at reaching out, calling, and making plans. So - I had this idea today to set up regular times with several different friends, once a week or once every other week, to just go take a walk together. We can meet in the morning before they go to work, or on a lunch break, or whenever. But just knowing I have these times planned and getting out and moving while spending time with someone I care about seems like it would be really good for me right now. And, I love the idea of having "walked" through my pregnancy week by week, with people at my side who I love and care about. Rather than "walking" through it all on my own.

So....we'll see how it goes....it's a simple idea....but I think it could be huge for me.

I am really grateful today for my friends, for those kind souls who continue to care about me, to hold me up, to celebrate with me, and to believe in me - even when I kind of suck.

And ohhhh it feels so good to feel GOOD today!!!!

Fierce with Reality

it's been awhile....this could get long....just warning ya.

Sometimes when I find a quote that speaks to me or makes me think, I copy it down and tape it to the mirror in my bathroom or a wall in my bedroom. I read it over and over and ponder it until some deeper meaning comes to me or it no longer speaks to where I am at, and then I take it down.

A few days ago, while flipping through one of my books by Sark, I found the following quote from Florida Scott Maxwell:

You need only claim the events of your life to make yourself yours. When you truly possess all you have been and done, which may take some time, you are fierce with reality.


As I read it day after day up on my wall the meaning evolved and grew. After a day or so I felt not only called to let go of others opinions and judgments and decisions but also, and more importantly, called to own the whole of my life. To truly own it, admit to it without shame or undue pride. To simply say, "This is mine. This is who I am. This is what I have done and who I have been."

Sometimes this is hard for me. My life has held incredible adventures and passions, and also terrible mistakes and regrets. I have done and been many many things and at times it is hard to reconcile them all into one - to believe and accept that they are all a part of me, the "good", and "the bad".

My tendency is to beat myself up pretty harshly for the things in my life I now wish I could go back and do differently. It is so difficult to believe that I can hold great light and great darkness all at once - and that this does not make me uniquely horrible or broken beyond repair, but rather simply human.

So, yesterday, as I was thinking about all of this, thinking about how to own my story and my choices without shame - I felt convicted. I felt convicted for how I have been handling something lately. There has been something I have struggled with for the last couple of weeks and I have felt such shame about it that I have retreated....I haven't written about it honestly, I have barely shared it with those in my life, I have had difficulty even admitting it to myself.

I have been struggling with depression.

And it sucks. It is not "severe". I am sleeping (although perhaps too much). I am eating. I am functioning. And it is even getting somewhat better as the amount of hormones I take decreases. It could be so much worse. But nonetheless. I have been depressed. And I have been too ashamed to admit that I couldn't simply will myself to feel better, that I couldn't just think myself or work myself out of it. I have been ashamed that I, who arguably has so little "right" to be depressed at this point, have been struck by the heavy weight of sadness sitting squarely upon my chest - filling me with sadness.

I mean really? I am pregnant for crying out loud! I am finally on the path to meeting the child I have dreamed of, hoped for, prayed over. I am incredibly blessed and lucky. I have a strong loving relationship with my wonderful husband. I have a great community of friends and family. And - I AM PREGNANT!!!!

I cannot tell you how guilty it has made me feel - each time I find myself crying for no apparent reason, wanting nothing more than to curl up in the fetal position on the couch for days, each time I feel that heavy weight on my chest and I find it difficult to breathe, each time I accomplish nothing with my day because I feel like I am literally moving through cement.

It is utterly confusing to feel as though you are grieving from the depths of your soul when you have so much to be celebrating for. It makes me feel so crazy. And more than once I have wished that someone was strong enough to come and lift the cloud up from on top of me so that I could breathe again - so that I could feel "normal" again.

Earlier this week I did begin to write about it and this is what came out:

"This is NOT how I want to feel! This is NOT what I want to be writing! I HATE feeling this. I HATE IT!!!"

And I do - I hate it. I hate that it steals me away from a time that should be joyful and filled with hope. I hate that it makes me feel like a broken, f*cked up loser who can't even properly celebrate her growing baby.

But, just to clarify, I am still celebrating for this life growing inside me. The depression, the sadness, the grieving, they have nothing to do with this baby. Somehow, I am able to feel grateful and delighted by this baby and I am able to dream about meeting our child and I am able to have moments where my breath is taken away at the thought of being able to hold him or her. I am immensely grateful for these feelings.

But I just feel like I should be able to do it better. I should be able to conquer this.

Today I read a post on another blog that was also convicting. In it, the author was writing openly of her depression. Of her doubt. I saw words in her post that felt like they were coming directly from my heart. I saw someone who was not hiding.

She also quoted an author writing about depression who stated that the prenatal and postnatal periods are the periods of highest risk for depression in women.

I kind of know this. I also know that prolonged infertility and infertility treatments are risk factors for prenatal and post-partum depression. I also know that several people I know have experienced prenatal depression, from the mild to the severe. And I know it wasn't their faults. I know that their depression was not some reflection upon their inadequacies or failures. And I know that all of them have gone on to become really wonderful and loving mothers.

So why do I have such a hard time believing this for myself? That it is not my fault? That it is not some evidence of my badness or my inability to be a good mother? Why do I feel like such a failure?



I am trying very hard to do what I need to do in order to feel better. Even in little spurts, even for a few hours, or if I am lucky - a few days, at a time. Because I do feel that I owe this to our baby. I know I need to do everything in my power to be healthy and whole right now - as much as I can be.

And, I have found some things that have helped. Many of them I have found from sources sharing ways to prevent post-partum depression, others I just figured out as I went along. My nurse did offer me Zoloft last time I was in for blood work, even telling me that "a ton" of CCRM's patients are on Zoloft, both during treatments, and during pregnancy. This gives even more weight to the idea that infertility treatments can increase your risk of depression. But I didn't feel like what I was going through was severe enough for medication at this point, and I would really prefer not to take anti-depressants during pregnancy if I can avoid it. But ultimately, if it does get bad enough, I will honestly do whatever it takes to be the healthiest mama I could be for this child - whatever that takes. And if at some point that means medication, so be it. But if I go that route I will probably see a psychiatrist to manage my meds rather than an IVF nurse. Not that I doubt her sincerity and care, but I know that those meds can be tricky and I would want to be under the care of an expert.

But I digress......I wanted to share what has helped so far:

1. Meditation / Prayer - although not easy to do these days

2. 30 min of activity / exercise per day - again, really hard to do when I feel like crap, but it helps A TON.

3. At least an hour outside in the SUN every day - I try to pair this with my exercise by exercising outside.

4. Good music by familiar artists - I bought a bunch of used CDs recently and had one of the best days blasting this music throughout my house

5. Time and conversations with friends - This goes against my nature, when I am depressed I want to hide, hide, hide. But I have been amazed how much this has helped recently.

6. Eating well and eating often. AND taking my prenatal vitamin and fish oils (in capsules). the fish oils really make a noticeable difference in my moods and were suggested originally during IVF by my RE.

7. Avoiding anything sad or anything that "triggers" me: movies, TV shows, conflict, the news. - I literally cannot watch most of my favorite shows - anything much deeper than "Last Comic Standing" can be dangerous ground for me right now.

8. Getting busy and getting outside of myself - I have been talking with someone about doing some volunteer work for a non-profit this summer, and I am in the process of looking for some part-time work. Babysitting for one of my friends recently was a great escape from my own stuff and I loved spending time with her kids. We had so much fun. I am hoping to do more of that.

9. Counseling.

10. My husband. - Although this is taking such a toll on him. I am glad he is out of town for work this week, he really needs the break from me.




So that's it. I have been depressed. I am doing what I can to take care of myself in the midst of it. But it is hard, and it sucks and I hate it.

And I love this baby so much it hurts. And I desperately want to be better for him or her.

And I am claiming it all.

Claiming it all in the hopes of one day finding myself to be "fierce with reality".

Whatever that means.




A special someone sent me a link to this article that discusses emotions during pregnancy and it was really enlightening for me, so I am passing it along...

Loaves and Fishes

This is one of my favorite poems, I felt inclined to share it tonight:

Loaves and Fishes
by David Whyte

This is not
the age of information.

This is not
the age of information.

Forget the news,
and the radio,
and the blurred screen.

This is the time
of loaves
and fishes.

People are hungry,
and one good word is bread
for a thousand.

Gratitude

I think I need a "do over".

Mr. Spicy and I use this term whenever one of us has done something or said something we regret and wished we could go back and "do over". I have asked him for a lot of these over the years.

I am asking for a "do over".

I was hurt yesterday, and truthfully, I am still hurting. But, I posted something out of anger and pain and allowed a very small group of people to affect me much more than I would have liked to.

What I regret is that I took the time to write about them instead of writing about the much much larger group of people who have surrounded me with joy and happiness and blessings this week. I wish I would have written a post about the gratitude that I feel for all of them, and all of you, instead.

Because I have never been so overwhelmed with support and love in my life. Emails, comments on the blog, calls, etc. People who have traveled this road with me for years and have never stopped hoping for us, people I have only known for a few short months, and even people I have never met came out to tell me how happy they were for me, for us. This experience has been humbling and it honestly hasn't even fully hit me yet.

I have been consistently amazed at how good people can be, how much they will allow themselves to hope on someone else's behalf, how wonderful it is to have so many people to celebrate with. So first and foremost, if I had a "do over" I would say "Thank you" to all of you. Thank you is not enough - but I do not have any bigger words to express how filled with gratitude I am for your words, for your hearts, for your prayers, for your joy, for your goodness. I can feel your love, your kindness, your good will surrounding me. Thank you.

And, to draw from a post Denise made yesterday, I cannot help but to be especially grateful for the support coming from those of you who are still waiting, who are still in the struggle, and who have recently experienced a loss. Your ability to celebrate and give to me in the midst of what you are going through is really inspiring and beautiful. I know how hard it was for me at times to truly celebrate with others when they would get that ever elusive positive that I had waited so long for.

Like Denise said in her post, this all feels so new to me. Suddenly everything has changed in a few short days and I am in a new "category". I have crossed over some unseen threshold and I stand in a place that for so long I could only imagine. But I still feel very much the same. In many ways, I still feel like (as Denise put it), "same old infertile me".

And while, for me, I am just continuing to write from my heart and that doesn't feel a whole lot different than before - I do realize that my posts have become and will become increasingly about this pregnancy and motherhood. And again, echoing Denise's post, I hope I will continue to be someone who is supportive and encouraging to all of you - I want to be there for you, and I long to celebrate you, as you have celebrated me, when your heart's desires are finally met. But I do know from experience that this blog might not be what some of you will want or need to read during this time - and I understand. I really really do. I am so grateful you have journeyed with me thus far, and while I hope you will stick around, if you need to take space - I really do understand .

I am filled to the brim with gratitude tonight. The support I have received from so many of you has been what has truly kept me afloat at times, and the excitement and encouragement you have given me this week has invited me to a very risky, very scary, but very beautiful place, a place of Joy.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Might as well stock up on the tie-dye now....

"You can arrest me later!" - Not words you would expect to come out of your husband's mouth to a police officer...and yet?

Yesterday, we left early to make our 1pm appt. Which is good, because the two of us together are chronically late and planning to arrive by 12:30 means we might actually make it there by 1pm. Well, all was going well until we hit a major traffic jam at our highway exit. Cars were barely moving and minutes were ticking by. We began to freak out about making it to our appt on time.

So, Mr. Spicy pulled onto the shoulder and began to navigate his way around all the other cars waiting in line. Personally, I felt torn - I HATE when people do this, it's pretty rude and it certainly violates the small "rule follower" inside of me - but on the other hand, we had a very important time-sensitive appointment to attend to. So I kind of crouched down in my seat, trying to avoid the scornful stares of those we were passing by.

Next thing I know, we are being pulled over. Mr. Spicy stops the car and jumps out - running back to the officer's car and yelling something to him about our appointment. I then hear something come out of Mr. Spicy's mouth that filled me with complete panic:

"You can arrest me later! We have an appointment to make."

I then realize that Mr. Spicy's brain is obviously not working properly at this moment, so I get out of the car to try to smooth things over. The officer directs us back to our car, takes Mr. Spicy's pertinent papers and tells us that we were being stupid, we could have caused an accident, etc...etc... All the while I am frantically relating how important it is that we make it there by 1, and that I am about to undergo ANESTHESIA!!!! Don't you understand, sir? ANESTHESIA!!!! Ok, so maybe I am a bit of a drama queen - just a bit.

Thankfully, he took pity on us, gave us one more stern warning and let us go with (I am not kidding here): "Go forth and sin no more."

As we drove away we began laughing hysterically and couldn't stop laughing until we were sitting in the 2nd floor waiting room awaiting our procedures. Literally, I was doubled over in the elevator laughing so hard I could barely breathe! I simply could not believe all of that had just happened! If you know Mr. Spicy, you are well aware how out of character it would be for him to do that. Except, here's the thing. Mr. Spicy can get crazy fierce if someone is interfering with the care of someone he loves. He's someone you want advocating for you if you are ever in a hospital, to be sure. But he is just not typically the high-strung or yelling type. So it just added to the complete bizarreness of the whole situation.

But, we made it. On time. With 5 minutes to spare. Whew!

And, who should be waiting for us in the parking lot but my wonderful and amazing counselor, Sharon, with a big bouquet of flowers for me and a giant hug. She lives close to the center and had come and waited in the parking lot to see us briefly before we went in. I felt badly for making her wait so long since we thought we would have been there 20 minutes prior, but it was soooo good to see her. I am still incredibly humbled and grateful that she reached out to us this way on our big day. She has a truly beautiful heart. Thank you Sharon.

And on that note, I am really humbled by and grateful for all the amazing support I have received over the last several days through emails, comments on my blog, phone calls, and a very sweet e-card. There have been so many moments in this journey that felt so lonely and isolating. But yesterday felt very far from that. Yesterday I felt held, and loved, and cheered on by all the words and blessings and prayers that so many of you gave to me, to us. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Ok - so I won't make you read any further before I give you the news......we got 17 Eggs!!!!!!

Yep! 17!

We haven't gotten the fertilization report in yet because our retrieval was so late in the day (we were literally the last ones there....they were shutting all the lights off as we walked out). The embryologist said we should hear from them by noon or so.....

There was a scare yesterday when the nurse told us they were worried about me hyper-stimulating and they began to go over all the risks of hyper-stimulation with me, talked about the possibility of having to freeze all of the embryos if I was too hyper-stimulated to make it to transfer, and gave me IV meds to pull some of the fluid from my abdomen. I had been feeling pretty good and positive until that point, and then I just got very quiet and anxious. Mr. Spicy, who has become quite the optimist through all of this, just kept telling me, "Everything will be fine. You will be fine." and teased me about needing to be such an over-achiever all the time that I just produced so many follicles that they were a little worried.

And, Mr. Spicy was right. Again. I won't tell you what I owe him for this. But, after a night of eating super-salty foods (mmmmm, french fries... Doritos.... salted nuts....cheeseburger....), drinking my weight in Gatorade, waking up hourly to pee, and losing 5+ pounds between last night and this morning in fluid alone - I went in this morning bright and early for an ultrasound. And the ultrasound showed virtually no fluid in my abdomen. Yay!!! Plus, Carrie - my all time favorite ultrasonographer did the u/s and I got to meet with Amber, my nurse. It was really good to see them after spending most of the day yesterday with so many people I had never met before. Seeing Carrie and Amber feels like getting to see "my team".

So, good news. 17 follicles. No severe hyper-stimulation. And we are planning on a 5 day transfer on Sunday.

One more thing....

yesterday's conversation in the car (prior to the police incident):

Me: My eggs are being harvested on Earth Day, isn't that cool???

Mr. S: Yes, that's really cool.

(repeat x 3)

Me: But you know what???? What's really cool? Our babies are being conceived today! On Earth Day!!!!

Mr. S: Yep.

(repeat x 3)

Me: So, we'll always be able to tell them: "You were conceived on Earth Day". How cool is that?

Mr. S: There's no hope now. We are definitely having hippie babies. Might as well stock up on the tie-dye now.

Snow and Fire

It is snowing today. But it is supposed to be in the 60s this weekend. That's Denver for you. I am kind of thankful for the snow, gives me an excuse to hole up at home and it also helps me not feel like a slacker for not getting any planting done yet. The warm weather over the last few weeks had been making me feel a bit behind the ball as far as Spring planting goes. The snow makes me feel like I still have some time to get it all started.

Had my suppression check today: ultrasound and bloodwork. The ultrasound showed no cysts! I was really worried about that since I had a couple cysts back when we were doing IUIs. But all looked clear. And just to be sure, I chased the ultrasonographer down the hall after she placed me in a room to wait for my blood draw, and I asked her if she was "really really sure there were no cysts.....because you know, it was hard to see my ovaries with that part of my bowel in the way, and I did see some follicles - were those just antrals?" And she assured me that everything was fine, there was NO cyst - she would not have missed it, and the antral follicles were a GOOD sign. And then she wrote something in my chart - probably something like, "Difficult", or "High Maintenance", or "Crazy Bitch". I got the call this afternoon that my Estrogen was 47 (they want it under 50 to start stims) and my Progesterone was <.2 (they want it under 1 to start stims). So we are good to go!!! Stims start on Saturday!

But, if my Estrogen and Progesterone are so low - why am I acting like a total psycho? Ok, not a TOTAL psycho - it could definitely, definitely be worse. But, if my hormones are so low - why did I accuse my husband of deliberately choosing to brush his teeth last night while I was looking for my phone so that he could deliberately choose not to hear my cries from downstairs to help me look for it? I thought it was Estrogen that made me act that way? Is it just me? If so, please don't tell Mr. Spicy - the hormones excuse is the only reason he hasn't moved into the office, yet.

Ok - so I am half joking. Although the accusation I just described did in fact occur last night - for the most part I am doing much much better than I expected. I have these rages and they come and go - and that sucks. And I have been feeling off balance and that is hard, especially when I am trying so hard to stay grounded in all of this. But I know all of this could be so much worse. And frankly? Even if it were? I am not complaining. Not really complaining, anyway. Because I would go through so much more (this is not an invitation) - I would walk through fire - to become a mother, to have our baby.

And I know so many of you reading this would do the same.

Here's to walking through the fire....

On the lam....

Just a quick update....

Well, they told me it was a good sign that the cytotec caused so much cramping last night - they said that meant it was working - doing the work for me of opening up my cervix so it wouldn't be so hard to place the laminaria. And it definitely did work. The lam placement was super quick - I have had paps that were longer and it went very smoothly - I didn't feel a thing! So, that was good.

On the way home I did begin to experience some discomfort, cramping and slight nausea - and now, about 3 hours post-lam I am really starting to feel it. At this point it feels like really bad menstrual cramps and gets worse the more I move around. I took more Ibuprofen (they said that was best to take for this and that it is ok to take for today) - and we'll just wait and see. They worst part for me is feeling the pain get worse and knowing it is because of this thing inside of me that I cannot remove till tomorrow. Feels like being held hostage.

Thanks so much for all the support ladies! I did imagine you holding my hand - and I think it really helped! Thanks for being such a great support to me!

Ok - back to laying down. I have so much to do today...but it just hurts too much to be too active. I keep thinking it could be so much worse though.... so I am ok. If this gets me one step closer to becoming a mama, I will take it!

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Update:

At about 5pm the pain just went away! I could still feel some very minor cramping, and my back was a little achy - but suddenly I just felt much much better. I even got a lot of house cleaning and organizing done and even ran to Target.

This morning I was dreading the "removal" - but it wasn't too bad. (the squat position worked well for me Jen) - Gross - but not too bad at all.

One hurdle down, I feel like wonderwoman! Yay!

Bellies, Bangs, and Blues

*disclaimer: I did not take these photos*

I took a belly dancing class today. The woman in the middle of this picture was my teacher. I have always wanted to learn and there was a free class today - so why not?

Did you know that belly dancing originated from the movements women made during labor to ease the pain and help the baby move into the birth canal?

I had read this before, but had forgotten. When our teacher reminded us today I kind of gasped. I loved that I was participating in something tied so closely to birth and labor. I thought about being in labor with my child one day but I also thought about the labor I feel I have been in for quite some time. It has been painful, intense, and there have been times I thought I wouldn't make it through the next "contraction" - but all the while I have had to believe that the labor is bringing something very very good.

The other really powerful thing about the class was how completely connected and proud I felt of my body, my hips, my tummy, my breasts. I cried a little, with joy, as we shimmied and spun. I realized it had been a really long time since I had felt that content and happy with and in my own body. I felt like I owed my body a bit of an apology for that.

Our teacher was a middle aged to older woman who grew up in Romania. She had this soft squishy tummy that looked as if it had nurtured a child at some point. She was far from our culture's standard of beauty - but here she was: belly exposed, legs bare, breasts swaying - and looking completely beautiful, free, and sexy all the while. Her husband was there too, he was playing a drum to help us with the rhythm. He stared at his wife with joy, admiration, and desire. His attraction to her was obvious.

I loved this moment, this reprieve from thinking about what's wrong with my body - what isn't working right. I loved not wishing for it to be or do anything different - and just enjoying it in that moment. I want to be a woman like her, free and proud of my body - sensual and fun - and I want my husband to stare at me the way her husband stared at her today, forever.
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This is a picture of Feist - I love her. Well, I love her music. And her bangs.

On a whim today I called to see when my stylist had an appointment next available (she's usually booked at least a week or two out). She had an opening today. So I went in and I got bangs! Feist bangs! My hair isn't as thick and my bangs are just a touch shorter and more sharp. But I love them. I really needed something new and bangs it was!!! Yay bangs!

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So - pretty good day, right? Yes, but that's where it gets tricky.

I remember seeing a interview weeks ago with a severely anorexic woman and I will never forget when she said that she worried if she wasn't "thin enough" no one would help her. She talked about how miserable she felt inside and how much she knew she needed help, but she worried that if she wasn't a severe enough case, if she wasn't practically on her death bed, no one would take her seriously. She had a history of abuse as a child and I thought in that moment - "I know how that feels" - I know what it is like to feel that if your outside symptoms aren't shocking or terrible enough then no one will really recognize how much pain you are in on the inside. I spent years feigning or inducing illness or self-harm when I was younger for this very purpose. I didn't trust that anyone would hear me or help me if I seemed too "ok". And really - I was always so strong, and capable and so terrible at asking for help - that I was kind of right about this.

I have been feeling that same feeling again lately. The fear that if I have a good day, if I let anyone know that I have experienced joy - that they will forget or ignore that I am still hurting, still grieving, still struggling. That they will not know that even when a good day happens, even when I laugh - the "infertility" is always there, the weight of what is ahead is always there, the longing and aching to be a parent is always there - and for now, the grieving I am going through - it is always there. It doesn't go away. It isn't all better just because I was happy for a few hours, or even a whole day. It doesn't take a break. It lives with me, with us, every second. And I guess in some ways I feel like it has been such a struggle to express this - to feel heard in this - that I am afraid of losing that. I am afraid my friends will think, "well she seems just fine now!" and expect me to be ok, expect me to be "myself" again.

I also feel guilty for having a good time. Especially since losing Mr. Jones. It feels as if I am not honoring my grief if I am able to enjoy something too much. I know this isn't true. I know I can hold both. I know there is space enough for both. But I am afraid that in these moments of joy, I might forget that still hurting and broken space within. I might forget why it is there. I might forget to tend to it. I might neglect myself. I might forget myself.

I want to be able to enjoy days like today without fearing that I will lose the support I need right now, without fearing that no one will see me - the happiness and the grief, without fearing that I will forget myself. Because it is possible to receive these moments, hours, and days of tremendous gifts and beauty - even in the midst of hurting really deeply. The two can and do coexist. Life and death together. Light and darkness.

As Annacyclopedia so eloquently stated on her beautiful blog recently:

"there is still a beautiful, fertile garden inside me that requires care."

In the midst of pain, there is still this beauty within - but both the pain and beauty, both are a part of my garden and both require care.

Thank you!

Thanks to all you ladies out there who responded to my meds query - you gave me great advice and mostly, I just appreciate you taking the time to reach out. It also gives me the chance to meet some of you (via your blogs) who I might not otherwise have stumbled upon - so thank you! You all rock!

Mama said there'd be days like this.....

By far, one of the things I hate the most about this journey of infertility is the intense, and sometimes unexpected, emotions. On the other hand, I do think these emotions are here to inform me - and I have learned a lot and grown a lot in the last 2+ years as a result of paying attention to them. But feeling so out of control (isn't that the theme of infertility - lack of control?) and so governed by them - it is hard for me.

It's like there is always this ache in my heart - this reminder of the "not yet", this waiting, this longing, this disappointment, this anger and frustration, that fills up so much of my heart and mind that my space for other things, my reservoir to respond to anything else in my life - is very very small.

I have always been a "survivor". I have always fought hard to find my way through any challenge life would bring my way. I have always valued my strength, my ability to endure. In fact, when I was 17 and was in college for the first time - I took this a step further and actually pushed my body and mind to the limit just to see how much I could take. I even managed to land myself in the hospital a couple of times that year due to exhaustion and dehydration. (I don't recommend trying to take a final exam after staying awake for 5 consecutive days - not pretty). I have also always been intensely independent. For most of my life I had to be. And now? Well, old habits are hard to break.

Really, in the last three or four years, I have been forced, against my will at times, to learn to listen better to my body, my mind, my heart. My first semester back in college, finishing my bachelors degree at 30, I broke out in hives all over my face and neck because I just couldn't take the stress like I used to. My body was rebelling. I remember an adviser reminding me of this as she helped me to craft my degree and my plans for the future. She said something to the effect that my constitution was not one that could tolerate lots of stress....I nodded in agreement, but internally I felt so much shame. Who had I become? I was supposed to be a warrior-woman! I can handle anything! Hear me roar!

I have had to learn when to say, "Enough", and "No". I have had to learn how to ask for what I need from others, to ask for help. This one is hard - and still very much a work in progress. Mr. Spicy and I revisit this almost weekly. He actually said this weekend, in the heat of an argument, "You share more about what's going on with you in your blog than you do with me." He's right, mostly. When I am happy, when I am pleased, when I am excited - I cannot wait to tell everyone I know. But when I am sad, depressed, stressed out, angry - I withdraw, it is very hard to share this with anyone, or to even know how to. I have learned in my life to only count on myself to get me through these times. It feels incredibly vulnerable, to the point of actual discomfort, to invite anyone into that space with me. And yet, I am so lonely there. It is a catch 22.

Infertility has added a whole new dimension, a whole new battlefield if you will, to this struggle for me. Not only is infertility itself a deeply personal and intimate struggle - but I am nearly constantly in a state of emotion that leaves me feeling anxious, isolated, and exposed in the presence of others. So enters social anxiety. Fun stuff. I am reminded constantly how I cannot just will myself through this. I cannot climb this mountain with my strength alone. I am forced to recognize my own fragility and brokenness. I am continually invited and coerced into relating far outside my comfort zone.

And as much as I love to talk about and celebrate transformation and growth - this shit is HARD!

This shit is really really hard.

Calling all IVF'ers

In spite of the emotional tornado I have been riding lately - it is getting close to the beginning of our cycle and....I need to start researching where to get the cheapest drugs. For my IVF cycle, that is. And besides, I probably could do something more productive than lie in bed watching Sex and The City episodes all day (watched the 6th season again this weekend - good stuff).

So - I need some advice - which company did you go to for your meds? Why?

Thanks in advance!

Feeling out of touch...

I just met with a dear friend tonight and as I relayed all that has gone on in the last 6 days, I realized I wasn't feeling much about any of it. It is as if I have just maxed out.

I remember feeling really good and then a little freaked out, and then really good again after Friday's appointment. I remember feeling relieved and excited to be moving forward with IVF soon. Then, as I finalized the decision to leave my job, I remember feeling nervous, scared, and a little sad - but also really free and hopeful. And when I heard about Grandma....I remember feeling scared and feeling an urgency to get out there as soon as I can. Then, yesterday happened - and the combined effect of it all seem to have left me really jumbled. So much so that I can't seem to find what I feel about much of anything at the moment.

I feel manic - like I just drank 18 cups of Turkish coffee. I know that is the adrenaline, the stress hormones, my body going into "fight or flight" mode as a result of the recent stress cocktail I just slammed. I also feel numb and emotionless. My default right now is to laugh or be funny - which is weird, this isn't my usual way of dealing with stress. I also find myself just completely spaced out and tuned out to everything around me - this I am used to.

None of it I like.

I know underneath there are some pretty big and maybe even confusing emotions brewing and I know they will have to come out soon. I want them to. I don't like feeling like this. Good thing I have counseling on Monday. I know I am in very deep need of rest, of time away, of time to breathe and space enough to feel safe to let it all come to the surface. I know I need to start this process now - even in small increments. I need to make the space to let those parts of me feel whatever it is they need to feel right now - no judgment.

I think also what is going on is that I felt so good this past weekend, so sure about moving forward with IVF, and quitting my job. I felt free for the first time in a long time. I felt excited. I felt like myself. I felt HAPPY. And, I think when everything else hit, well, part of me didn't want to let it in - part of me wants desperately to keep holding on to that great, incredible feeling that I had before. So I feel like I am artificially trying to stay in that place, even though the rest of me is trying to face the here and now. I am divided. It has just been so long since I felt *that good* - it is hard to part with it so quickly. It is hard to face what is in front of me. The reality of what is happening with my family, the reality of what is happening to my coworkers and to the organization that I have given over 2 years of dedicated service and passionate work to - the reality of it all.

So - here is my first step....

It is ok to feel all of this. There is enough room for it. I can make enough room for it. I can feel this. I don't have to be ok right now. I don't have to be in crisis to just not be "ok" for awhile. I am allowed to rest and to breathe, no matter what it is that is causing me distress.

Maybe I am not totally ok right now. Maybe not.

But that will be ok too.

The Best Laid Plans....

As I posted previously, I gave my 30 day notice of resignation to my employer on Tuesday. ha!

Well, on Wednesday we had our monthly "all-staff" meeting. At the beginning of this meeting we were given cards thanking us for our contribution to the organization with personal messages. Mine was very kind. Accompanying these cards were $50 gift cards to WalMart (so NOT my favorite store - but it is the thought that counts, right?). Ok, so that was nice. Our staff has been through a lot in the last year, floods, fires, lots of changes, lots of work.....it was really good to receive, and to see others receive, recognition for all of this.

The meeting ended a little differently though. The director of our organization tearfully explained that for financial reasons, the organization would be re-structuring and several people would be laid off. The first on the list were those with no grant funding for their positions. One of these women is a fabulous woman who happens to be my closest work-friend (and the preserver of my sanity most days) and the other is an incredibly kind woman who was 2 months shy of completing 10 years with the agency. Next on the list is, of course, me. Since I had just announced to the group my intention to leave in April, I was next to be told that I will no longer be employed after next Friday. There will likely be several more layoffs before the week is over, as the ability to meet payroll is in serious jeopardy. Health insurance for those staying is also on shaky ground.

This is a big deal for an organization that only employs roughly 16 people, full-time, as it is. Many of the women I work with who are in jeopardy of losing their jobs in the coming week are single moms. They have no margin for error in their bank accounts. There is no room for things like this in their already maxed-out budgets. I am really worried for them. The market is not great, especially in the non-profit world.

I am also worried for the clients we serve. How will they be affected? Their need for services will certainly not decrease during this time....

How does this happen? I have no idea. Explanations were given - something about grants falling through, funding cuts, and bad decisions made by board members in the past....but it is all still very confusing to me. I think that non-profits walk such a fine line every day in determining if they will meet their funding needs, when one thing, or several things, fall through or go differently than planned - it has a huge effect on everything. Did someone make mistakes? Who knows? Does it matter now? Not really.

Mr. Spicy took me out to dinner last night to de-stress. He has been incredibly accommodating about all of this, especially considering that for us this means the loss of 2 more paychecks we had counted on. I even "allowed" myself a glass of wine last night. I figured that the alcohol was probably better for me than the dizziness caused by my blood pressure trying to climb the Swiss Alps and all those fun stress hormones having a dance party in my bloodstream. I did feel better after a glass of wine - and after massive helpings of spicy Mongolian bbq.

The thing is - I feel guilty even being stressed at all...so many others, others I really care about, are in much worse positions. One dear friend that I work with cried through the entire announcement. I knew what her tears were for. She has little ones at home. She was already struggling with the money she makes now. There is no fat to trim in her household. I think a lot of my stress is for these friends, these women, who certainly don't deserve to go through this. It is the hardest thing, in some ways, to know that I am not going to struggle as hard as they will, that I am going be ok - but that there is so very little I can do to really help them.

In the midst of all of this, I did something last night, out of panic, that I feel rather foolish about today - and so, I will share it with you for your enjoyment:

Well, Monday, I interviewed for a summer position. Basically it is a day camp counselor position working with kids and animals - can I just say how perfect this would be for me???? So, anyway, they asked during the interview whether I would be interested, or available, to work a position at their day camp during spring break. I explained that I would not be available during that time as I was not leaving my current position until April (double ha!). Well, last night, I frantically called and left a message for the woman who interviewed me letting her know that I would be available for AND interested in a position over Spring Break, you know, if she decided to um, hire me, or something. And then I laughed nervously, repeated myself, wished her a nice day, and hung up. But, oh no.....that wasn't enough. I emailed her as well. You know, just in case she like, doesn't check her voice mails or something, you know? And in my email to her, I misspelled a word!!!!! Yep, classy. That's me! When I want a job, I will call you, I will email you, I will electronically stalk you, but I will not, I repeat, I will not take the time to proofread my emails to ensure proper spelling or grammar. Nope, that's just not my style. If you know what I mean?

So - the woman emailed me back:

"Thanks for the update. I will be making decisions early next week."

And I can imagine her adding:

I am only being polite to you because, frankly? You scare me. Next week you can expect that I will very politely let you know that we did not decide to hire you (big shocker) and then I will promptly change my phone number and email address.

I blame the wine.

Colobloggers....what a fine group of ladies!

Just wanted to post quickly about how much I enjoyed meeting the women of the ColoBloggers on Saturday.

I was, and still am, astounded at the courage and empathy these women have. It was incredible to be among such a smart, kind, honest, brave, and funny group of women. I had a really good time and I kind of felt like I had found the "cool group". It felt really good to be there.

I have been thinking of how hard it often is for infertile women to find support, stories, and the information that they need. The dominant culture still seems to stigmatize infertility pretty intensely and the research and information available out there just seems incredibly slow in coming.

So, what is amazing to me is to see all of these women blogging in Colorado and all across the country about their experiences with infertility. They are bravely putting themselves out there, creating the support network that is so needed. This is truly the essence of social change. People moving to create in the world what is lacking, to benefit themselves and others.

I believe that the collective voice of all of these women telling their stories, reaching out to one another, removing the veil of secrecy and shame that has hidden this subject for so long, will eventually reach the larger culture as a whole. I believe that the willingness of these women to talk about this openly will help remove some of the stigma, will allow the larger culture to accept the reality of infertility, and maybe even lead to further research and study that will benefit infertile women and men in the future.

I believe that what these women are doing is significant. Not only for themselves, and those that they reach out to and support, but for the future women who will walk the same paths and ask the same questions, and cry the same tears. They are forging a path with their hearts, with their words, and with their honesty.

It is a deep honor to be among them and I am greatly humbled by what they have survived and what they continue to share of themselves.

You all inspire me. Thank you.

Lack of interest....

I had planned to go to a fertility support group at Apothecary Tinctura this Monday night, but it was "canceled due to lack of interest" - I was the only one to sign up. So - I am bummed....could have really used that support.

I think that the practice we are going through for IVF (CCRM) has a support group on Mondays, I am going to call and see if I can check it out. It would probably be good for hubbie and me to go together even.

But I don't know, somehow that doesn't seem as attractive to me as going to a group at Apothecary Tinctura. Those women there are truly phenomenal.

Lack of interest....c'mon!

Where are all my cool hippie-spicy-artsy-earth-loving ladies who are struggling with fertility????

~Ahem, as a side note, I feel the need to add that I have made friends with an amazing woman (J.) who is also gearing up for IVF and she is very cool and a great source of support. I just had hoped to find a cool group to be a part of and I knew if it was happening at Apothecary it would definitely be MY kind of group!

Guess I gotta start somewhere right?

"The hardest thing about writing is telling the truth.
Maybe it's the hardest thing about being a woman too"
-Sue Monk Kidd

SO, I made the decision over the last couple of weeks to start this blog charting our path through IVF. And even though I have been secretly composing posts in my head the thought of actually starting this is really daunting!

My first reason for starting a blog is that it has helped me tremendously to read what other bloggers have written about their own struggles and triumphs in the world of infertility, so I am hopeful that this will be encouraging to someone else as well.

My second reason is to help the people in our lives understand better what we are going through and how we are doing through all of this. I know this is a touchy subject and I know so many of you have really varied opinions about this treatment and I also know that some of you probably just don't know what to ask or how to be in this with us. So, here it is....I hope reading about the process will help you understand, help to answer some of your questions, and hopefully help you to celebrate with us when that wonderful day arrives and we are officially parents, one way or another. Wherever you stand on this, we welcome you to join us in this process and in this journey which is progressively leading us smack dab through uncertainty.

So let's get started shall we?