Wanted: Road map from Fear to Freedom

I read this blog post today, on being fearless in youth and somehow losing that fearlessness as you mature and learn about being wounded and judged and it just resonated with me so loudly, it was as if somehow she knew just what I was feeling today.

I was the girl who went off on adventures, often dangerous adventures, all alone, all summer long. I was the girl who convinced three other girls in 5th grade to get on stage with me to sing/ lip-sync to "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" even though I had not a lick of singing talent at the time. I was the girl who stood in front of my highschool classmates and gave speeches about social prejudices and who got into heated debates during Spanish class about gay rights. I moved across the country at 19, all alone, with maybe $400 in my pocket, to a big city I had never visited and didn't know anyone in. I proceeded to join a band, perform my poetry on stage, spilling my heart and anger out for anyone who would listen. In my twenties, I took week long camping trips alone, with my dog. I fell in love or lust with wild abandon, and fell into friendships with the same passion and devotion.

In the last ten years or so, something changed.....

As The Butterfly states so eloquently:

"Somewhere along the line, and I can’t pinpoint when, I lost my fearlessness. ... I started being afraid of everything, and not just fear for myself, but also for everyone around me. And the more I think about it, the more I think that my fear of physical danger grew out of my built-up fear of emotional danger.

... I spent a lot of my life putting myself out there emotionally. My physical adventurousness was nothing compared to my emotional adventurousness, but unlike the physical risks I took, my emotional risks usually didn’t work out very well. I was too open, and I got my heart stomped on. A lot. As a result, I stopped taking risks. I wrapped myself up around my heart and protected myself, and some part of me took a look at that and said, “Hey! If you can get your spirit knocked around so many times, it’s only a matter of time before you do something dumb and end up killing yourself.” I stopped taking risks, with my heart and with my person."

I can't pinpoint which exact heartbreak or loss or disappointment led me down this path, I think it was a very gradual process. I have always struggled with deep insecurities, and a deep sense of being different and not good enough. That was part of what made my emotional risks so "risky". I was putting myself out there, even though I often felt terrified inside. Well, and what better way to fill that need for affirmation?

Somehow, the risks became less attractive, the affirmation became more hollow, and I found myself feeling more fearful in places of emotional intimacy and depth. I slowly began to make my world smaller and safer. The less risks, the less relationships, the better. Today I often dream about just running away (with my husband and son of course) and starting from scratch and I can become anxious over simply returning a phone call or going to a party. Heck, half the reason I blog so infrequently these days is because I worry over what someone might judge me for or whether what I have to say is worth writing about.

And just as The Butterfly writes in her blog, I didn't just withdraw and become overly cautious emotionally, I became fearful and overly cautious about anything risky for myself, and for anyone I love. I came to hate the idea that my husband had a motorcycle, even though that was one of the things that attracted me to him to begin with. I have shown major resistance to the idea of my husband learning to kite surf, as I am sure he will get swept out to sea, or into the side of a cliff and die a horrible painful death. I have never cashed in the gift certificate that my husband gave me for tandem sky-diving, even though it used to be on my "life list". I have become hesitant lately even thinking about changing my hairstyle!

Today, I am longing for that fearless girl and woman I used to be. I find myself digging for remnants of her beneath the walls I have built to protect myself and what I hold dear. There is much more to lose now, and I feel more fragile underneath it all. It is not so easy to be fearless, not so easy to risk. I am less certain than ever that I have something worthwhile to offer and I have come through some pretty hard seasons in the last few years that have left their marks. Just as physical scars make the skin less pliable, the emotional scars I carry have left me more rigid, less flexible, less free.

And yet, I have so many reasons to be free, to be happy, to be full. Despite my insecurities, my anxiety, my difficulty connecting at times, I have an amazing husband and son and dear friends who are so worth taking risks for and worth putting my heart out there and when I do, they have shown me that they love me spots and all.

So...how do I find my way back to fearlessness? Or at least "less fearful" and more free? Does being a mother just naturally mean living with more fear?

(p.s. and for those of you thinking "Damn girl, get yourself some therapy"....I have, and I am.)

Long time, no posting.....

I cannot believe it has been 2 weeks since my last post. Wow.

So if any of you are still out there and following this, I should probably explain why I have been such a spotty blogger. (hey, that could be a cool band name, "Spotty Blogger") Here's a taste of what my month has been like (fascinating, I know):

At the beginning of the month, there was the depression. Then the depression eased up and morning sickness took me out. Literally, I couldn't even stand looking at a computer screen any time after noon. Then the morning sickness began to ease up and this week I found myself knocked out by a nasty sinus infection. Totally kicked my ass. Sinus infections make morning sickness look like a good thing. I finally got some antibiotics on Wed. from my OB (Dr. Honey) and waking up this morning without feeling like someone was trying to smash my head in with a mallet was like Christmas morning, only twenty times better. Whew. The morning sickness is still threatening to come back, but seems like it isn't quite as overwhelming as before. So, yeah....physically I have been a bit occupied.

And it has also been just a full month logistically. Mr. Spicy has been out of town on two business trips, which always forces me to up my game a bit. He's been out of town this whole week, missing my festival of incredible pain, aka "the sinus infection saga". This has been good for him - he needs a break from me and my endless whining and neediness - heck, I could use a break from me. But it kinda sucks for me. Or it did this week. I forgot how completely lonely it feels to be sick and have no one coming home to help you. I cannot wait for him to get home!

In addition to Mr. Spicy's trips, we took a short but very full trip together, a couple weeks ago, out to the Midwest to visit my family. We got to visit with my Grandma Penny, who is living in an assisted living home for Alzheimer's patients. It is a really nice facility, and I think she likes it overall. But I know the loss of freedom and independence is really really hard on her. She cracked us up by telling us she liked it there, the nurses were nice to her, but also, "they are all bitches". She certainly has kept her feisty spirit! She was very lucid and alert when we arrived, she knew who we are, that we are expecting a baby, and engaged in lots of conversation with us. More of my family arrived, my aunts and my uncle, two of my cousins, my mom and her fiance.... It was so good to see everyone and Gramma seemed to really enjoy all the attention. But it wore her out after a couple of hours, and that's when it became most evident how much things have changed. The more exhausted she got, the more confused she became. My heart just wanted to reach out and hold her like a child (not that she would tolerate that necessarily) - I just felt so tender towards her. It is hard to see her so frail.

Also on this trip we attended my niece (and goddaughter) and my nephew's dance recital. Again,most of the family showed up and we had a great time being entertained by dancing children of all ages. And what is more darling than precious young girls twirling in tutus? I was all weepy (I blame the hormones) and both my niece and nephew did really well. Although, I should make the disclaimer that my nephew is 3 years old and his performance consisted of wearing a Spiderman costume and tumbling across mats. He was ADORABLE!!!! My niece is eight and essentially had a ballet solo all by herself. I was so proud of them both. I got some video I need to put on to YouTube. Maybe I will post it later. It was really precious.

We got to have some fun meals with family, laughing, catching up and sharing stories and advice. It was so good seeing everyone. We stayed with my youngest sister and her family so I got some really nice one-on-one time with her, which I haven't had much of before. It is wild to now be relating to my "baby sister" about pregnancy and parenting....but she's a great mom and she has a really great perspective on most things. Where I am the person who stresses and over thinks things to death, she is really good at just putting that one foot in front of the other and living life day to day. We had some good late-night talks that helped put my mind at ease about a lot of things.

Overall, it was a great trip - but it was completely fast and furious and FULL!!! It took me a couple days to just recover from it all.

I also had my meet and greet and then my first official appt with Dr. Honey, my new OB. I like her. She is down-to-earth and really kind and approachable. She squeezed in a short ultrasound even though they usually wouldn't give me another one until 20 weeks. Everything looked great. I got to do a heartbeat check this week as well when I went in for the sinus infection and the Poblano's heartbeat was round 160 bpm, right where it should be. So far so good. And I think after coming to the office three times now, I finally am starting to accept that I belong there. At first it was just such a shock sitting in a waiting room full of very pregnant women. I actually felt anxious....like I would get caught for somehow sneaking in the wrong door. But no, I am one of "them" now - and I will just have to get used to it.

And so..... (if you have made it this far dear reader - I owe you a candy bar) - speaking of getting "used to it".....being pregnant that is......that is probably the biggest single reason I haven't been posting.

Right now, and for weeks, my head and heart have been so full of questions, fears, thoughts, ponderings, and realizations - that I simply haven't been able to even fathom getting it out into words. I still can't really. I think the weight, the responsibility, the reality of becoming a mom has just begun to sink in and in my usual fashion I am taking it all in, looking at it from every angle, probably over-thinking it a bit, feeling it all, and slowly slowly digesting it. Being pregnant, knowing I am a mother now, brings up so many things for me, childhood issues, questions of identity, issues of security, family junk, questions about spirituality and faith, fears (so many fears), hopes, and an overall sense of "How in the world am I going to know how to do this?". But I am processing it all, turning it over and over in my heart and in my head, and knowing this is work that needs to be done. And so, I am doing it. Bit by bit by bit, I am doing it. Or at least trying to.

And thankfully, I am not alone in it. I have wise and loving friends and family, a wise and loving counselor, wise and witty blog readers, and a wise and weary husband. I am not alone, even when I feel that way at times. And I am so grateful for that.

What was that line about it taking a village?

Walk On

I woke up in a major cloud this morning. It was bad. I was dreading the day - figuring I was in for another hard one.

But then?

Well, I had plans with an old friend. I thought about canceling but it was a really good reason to shower and dress and leave the house - all things that can become seemingly impossible these days.

We met up in this cool neighborhood halfway between the both of us. The place we planned to meet was closed due to a kitchen fire. This was funny to us because every time we have tried meeting in this neighborhood our plans go awry. After grabbing a smoothie at a coffee shop nearby, waiting for another place to open only to find that it didn't have the kind of food we were craving, and finally getting a heads up on a good 'breakfast place" and walking several blocks to get there - we sat down to "breakfast" at noon. We had originally met at 10:30.

My friend is single and in her early 40s. I found during the years we were struggling with all the unknowns of infertility that my single friends could best identify with what I was feeling. We would sit and talk about our longing for something that felt so out of our control, the feelings of being judged by others around us as if us not having the thing we most desired was somehow our faults....there was a lot of common ground.

But now, I am pregnant. And I still love spending time with my single friends, but I worry and wonder if for them I represent one more person who has finally got what she was waiting for - while they still wait. And I feel so frustrated on their behalf. Some of my friends who are single long to be married and have families, some just want a committed companion. Whatever they want, there is so much uncertainty in their journey to find it, so much self-blame, doubt, loneliness, and feeling as if the rest of the world is moving on without them. Sounds so much like infertility doesn't it? Except....there are no specialists, no clinics, no adoption agencies to help them realize this dream. Sure, they can try online dating, matchmaking services, blind dates.....but in some ways it feels like it is still just a total crap shoot. Which I guess IF can be at times too, but at least I felt we had options, very real options, with percentages of success even. You can't really get that when you are looking for a partner. Heck, even when you find one....

Anyway.....spending time with this friend was so so good. As different as our situations are right now, there were still so many emotional places we could find common ground in. And being with her - being able to say all that I was thinking, being able to hear her, connecting - it completely changed my whole day. Being understood, being heard, it is seriously undervalued. This is the best medicine I could have asked for today. And I think it was probably really good for her as well. We both seemed lighter as we walked back to our cars and went on with our days.

I have always felt I could handle anything on my own if given enough time. I always approach stress and sadness in my life by hiding out and fighting it out on my own. And even though I have had amazing friends, amazing people in my life who have encouraged me to ask for help, to reach out, to need them - I have always always struggled to do this. Lately, I am consistently surprised how much it helps to connect with a friend, even just for a short conversation by phone. I am realizing I need these people, I need my community to keep me afloat.

But I still suck at reaching out, calling, and making plans. So - I had this idea today to set up regular times with several different friends, once a week or once every other week, to just go take a walk together. We can meet in the morning before they go to work, or on a lunch break, or whenever. But just knowing I have these times planned and getting out and moving while spending time with someone I care about seems like it would be really good for me right now. And, I love the idea of having "walked" through my pregnancy week by week, with people at my side who I love and care about. Rather than "walking" through it all on my own.

So....we'll see how it goes....it's a simple idea....but I think it could be huge for me.

I am really grateful today for my friends, for those kind souls who continue to care about me, to hold me up, to celebrate with me, and to believe in me - even when I kind of suck.

And ohhhh it feels so good to feel GOOD today!!!!

Earth Day

Today is Earth Day. A fitting day for our egg retrieval and fertilization to occur on, no?

(1 hour till we leave)

In honor of Earth Day I wanted to share with you a post made recently on one of my favorite blogs, which also happens to be written by one of my favorite people in the world.

I will allow you to read about Alwen on her site, but I am always grateful when she writes about what is happening in her life, in her heart, in her mind. She is a wonderful person and a great writer who also happens to be a mother, a student, a wife, and a friend. She has a unique way of really inhabiting her life fully and taking into account her connection to and impact on the world around her and the people in it.

In a recent post of hers, entitled "Confessions of an Everyday, Ethical Mama" she writes:

I have accepted (or am trying to) that part of being human means that we are inextricably linked to one another and to this cosmos in a way that is both beautiful and troubling. It means that we are ethically bound to seek others' best as we also seek our own because everything we do inevitably affects the world around us.

What is powerful about this post is not only the truth of the above statement, but the process she has gone through to find a way to incorporate this truth into her mothering of her daughter and the way she identifies herself as a mom.

She is thinking not only about what will make her daughter thrive, but how choices she makes as a mother, as a human being, can allow others to thrive as well.

I often have a hard time with this concept. I am easily overwhelmed by the messages that there is so much wrong with this world and the ways that we treat one another . I often feel overwhelmed by this and become paralyzed, giving up my opportunity to create change or even lessen my own negative impact on humanity and the earth because it feels too big - too much. This is not to say I do nothing. But, it does mean that even when I do something good - I am not doing it with a sense of consciousness, awareness, and love.

One of the things that is so attractive to me about my friend's post and the way she lives is that I sense an invitation to living in a place of connectivity to one another, to the earth, to life. And invitation without judgment or condescention or condemnation. And that, can be a very rare thing.

At the end of her post she writes:

But I think this desire to be aware of my connection to the pain in the world and to actively do all I can to transform that through my everyday choices is at the base of how I understand myself as a mother. It is really, really important to me to help my child see how she is linked to others in the world in joyful and in painful ways. I want to model to her the ability to make choices about living with a deep consciousness and love born from this awareness.

In writing this, she is not only inviting her daughter to a life lived with awareness and consciousness born out of love for humanity - but, I feel, she invites us all to this place. This place of asking how the choices we make affect other human beings. How we can make changes, from subtle small ones, to large life-changing ones - changes that reflect our desire to make our impact on this world a little less negative and painful and a bit more hopeful and life-giving.

And, as a bonus - she has included a list of organizations and places to shop, that she utilizes. Go check out her post - add your own organizations and tips for living more ethically.

And on this Earth Day, may you be reminded of how truly connected we are and may you feel invited to live with a greater awareness and consciousness that comes from love and respect for others who share this world with us.