Our Very Own Red Hot Chili Peppers.....

The fertilization report is in! 14 eggs fertilized!

They did 9 with ICSI and 8 with "regular" insemination. All 9 of the ICSI eggs fertilized. 5 of the other batch fertilized as well.

We will know more on Friday morning when the embryologist calls with the 3-day report, but for now all looks good and we are planning on a 5 day transfer on Sunday.

I still am in disbelief that we are here. That our embryos are fertilized and growing. That in a lab, across town, my eggs and Mr. Spicy's sperm have finally united and created 14 little unique and mysterious beings. This is the first time that we are aware of that this has ever happened. It feels completely magical.

Mr. Spicy and I talked on the phone earlier and he commented on how well every step of this has gone. We are amazed at how smoothly it has all transpired. But it does leave us with this nagging question: "Why didn't it just happen on its own?" Because we have unexplained infertility and have absolutely no clue as to why we haven't been able to conceive on our own, we thought surely the IVF process would shine light on a particular area that may have been holding us up. Maybe there wouldn't be enough eggs, or they wouldn't be the best quality, or they wouldn't fertilize well..... Don't get me wrong - we are so incredibly thankful that everything has gone so well - perfectly in fact. And at this point we are desperately hoping our great fortune continues. We know we aren't out of the woods yet, by far. But, it does leave us wondering and a little nervous that the part that has been preventing us from conceiving is still to be revealed....


Because my blog name, and my family's nickname for me is Spicy Sister, my middle sister came up with the brilliant idea that we refer to our embryos as peppers. She even provided me with a short list of pepper names I could use.

So, I am going back and forth between calling them our "Pepper Patch" and calling them our "Red Hot Chile Peppers" - I think I like the latter the best...it suits my rock-n-roll roots and makes me think of our future children as becoming spicy little peppers (just like their mama) - adding lots more flavor to the world every day. What do you think?

We are also still picking our pepper-related names for the two that we will transfer. Poblano and Serano are at the top of our list right now....any other suggestions?

***Pepper picture borrowed from here.*** ***Day 1 Embryo picture borrowed from here***

Might as well stock up on the tie-dye now....

"You can arrest me later!" - Not words you would expect to come out of your husband's mouth to a police officer...and yet?

Yesterday, we left early to make our 1pm appt. Which is good, because the two of us together are chronically late and planning to arrive by 12:30 means we might actually make it there by 1pm. Well, all was going well until we hit a major traffic jam at our highway exit. Cars were barely moving and minutes were ticking by. We began to freak out about making it to our appt on time.

So, Mr. Spicy pulled onto the shoulder and began to navigate his way around all the other cars waiting in line. Personally, I felt torn - I HATE when people do this, it's pretty rude and it certainly violates the small "rule follower" inside of me - but on the other hand, we had a very important time-sensitive appointment to attend to. So I kind of crouched down in my seat, trying to avoid the scornful stares of those we were passing by.

Next thing I know, we are being pulled over. Mr. Spicy stops the car and jumps out - running back to the officer's car and yelling something to him about our appointment. I then hear something come out of Mr. Spicy's mouth that filled me with complete panic:

"You can arrest me later! We have an appointment to make."

I then realize that Mr. Spicy's brain is obviously not working properly at this moment, so I get out of the car to try to smooth things over. The officer directs us back to our car, takes Mr. Spicy's pertinent papers and tells us that we were being stupid, we could have caused an accident, etc...etc... All the while I am frantically relating how important it is that we make it there by 1, and that I am about to undergo ANESTHESIA!!!! Don't you understand, sir? ANESTHESIA!!!! Ok, so maybe I am a bit of a drama queen - just a bit.

Thankfully, he took pity on us, gave us one more stern warning and let us go with (I am not kidding here): "Go forth and sin no more."

As we drove away we began laughing hysterically and couldn't stop laughing until we were sitting in the 2nd floor waiting room awaiting our procedures. Literally, I was doubled over in the elevator laughing so hard I could barely breathe! I simply could not believe all of that had just happened! If you know Mr. Spicy, you are well aware how out of character it would be for him to do that. Except, here's the thing. Mr. Spicy can get crazy fierce if someone is interfering with the care of someone he loves. He's someone you want advocating for you if you are ever in a hospital, to be sure. But he is just not typically the high-strung or yelling type. So it just added to the complete bizarreness of the whole situation.

But, we made it. On time. With 5 minutes to spare. Whew!

And, who should be waiting for us in the parking lot but my wonderful and amazing counselor, Sharon, with a big bouquet of flowers for me and a giant hug. She lives close to the center and had come and waited in the parking lot to see us briefly before we went in. I felt badly for making her wait so long since we thought we would have been there 20 minutes prior, but it was soooo good to see her. I am still incredibly humbled and grateful that she reached out to us this way on our big day. She has a truly beautiful heart. Thank you Sharon.

And on that note, I am really humbled by and grateful for all the amazing support I have received over the last several days through emails, comments on my blog, phone calls, and a very sweet e-card. There have been so many moments in this journey that felt so lonely and isolating. But yesterday felt very far from that. Yesterday I felt held, and loved, and cheered on by all the words and blessings and prayers that so many of you gave to me, to us. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Ok - so I won't make you read any further before I give you the news......we got 17 Eggs!!!!!!

Yep! 17!

We haven't gotten the fertilization report in yet because our retrieval was so late in the day (we were literally the last ones there....they were shutting all the lights off as we walked out). The embryologist said we should hear from them by noon or so.....

There was a scare yesterday when the nurse told us they were worried about me hyper-stimulating and they began to go over all the risks of hyper-stimulation with me, talked about the possibility of having to freeze all of the embryos if I was too hyper-stimulated to make it to transfer, and gave me IV meds to pull some of the fluid from my abdomen. I had been feeling pretty good and positive until that point, and then I just got very quiet and anxious. Mr. Spicy, who has become quite the optimist through all of this, just kept telling me, "Everything will be fine. You will be fine." and teased me about needing to be such an over-achiever all the time that I just produced so many follicles that they were a little worried.

And, Mr. Spicy was right. Again. I won't tell you what I owe him for this. But, after a night of eating super-salty foods (mmmmm, french fries... Doritos.... salted nuts....cheeseburger....), drinking my weight in Gatorade, waking up hourly to pee, and losing 5+ pounds between last night and this morning in fluid alone - I went in this morning bright and early for an ultrasound. And the ultrasound showed virtually no fluid in my abdomen. Yay!!! Plus, Carrie - my all time favorite ultrasonographer did the u/s and I got to meet with Amber, my nurse. It was really good to see them after spending most of the day yesterday with so many people I had never met before. Seeing Carrie and Amber feels like getting to see "my team".

So, good news. 17 follicles. No severe hyper-stimulation. And we are planning on a 5 day transfer on Sunday.

One more thing....

yesterday's conversation in the car (prior to the police incident):

Me: My eggs are being harvested on Earth Day, isn't that cool???

Mr. S: Yes, that's really cool.

(repeat x 3)

Me: But you know what???? What's really cool? Our babies are being conceived today! On Earth Day!!!!

Mr. S: Yep.

(repeat x 3)

Me: So, we'll always be able to tell them: "You were conceived on Earth Day". How cool is that?

Mr. S: There's no hope now. We are definitely having hippie babies. Might as well stock up on the tie-dye now.

Earth Day

Today is Earth Day. A fitting day for our egg retrieval and fertilization to occur on, no?

(1 hour till we leave)

In honor of Earth Day I wanted to share with you a post made recently on one of my favorite blogs, which also happens to be written by one of my favorite people in the world.

I will allow you to read about Alwen on her site, but I am always grateful when she writes about what is happening in her life, in her heart, in her mind. She is a wonderful person and a great writer who also happens to be a mother, a student, a wife, and a friend. She has a unique way of really inhabiting her life fully and taking into account her connection to and impact on the world around her and the people in it.

In a recent post of hers, entitled "Confessions of an Everyday, Ethical Mama" she writes:

I have accepted (or am trying to) that part of being human means that we are inextricably linked to one another and to this cosmos in a way that is both beautiful and troubling. It means that we are ethically bound to seek others' best as we also seek our own because everything we do inevitably affects the world around us.

What is powerful about this post is not only the truth of the above statement, but the process she has gone through to find a way to incorporate this truth into her mothering of her daughter and the way she identifies herself as a mom.

She is thinking not only about what will make her daughter thrive, but how choices she makes as a mother, as a human being, can allow others to thrive as well.

I often have a hard time with this concept. I am easily overwhelmed by the messages that there is so much wrong with this world and the ways that we treat one another . I often feel overwhelmed by this and become paralyzed, giving up my opportunity to create change or even lessen my own negative impact on humanity and the earth because it feels too big - too much. This is not to say I do nothing. But, it does mean that even when I do something good - I am not doing it with a sense of consciousness, awareness, and love.

One of the things that is so attractive to me about my friend's post and the way she lives is that I sense an invitation to living in a place of connectivity to one another, to the earth, to life. And invitation without judgment or condescention or condemnation. And that, can be a very rare thing.

At the end of her post she writes:

But I think this desire to be aware of my connection to the pain in the world and to actively do all I can to transform that through my everyday choices is at the base of how I understand myself as a mother. It is really, really important to me to help my child see how she is linked to others in the world in joyful and in painful ways. I want to model to her the ability to make choices about living with a deep consciousness and love born from this awareness.

In writing this, she is not only inviting her daughter to a life lived with awareness and consciousness born out of love for humanity - but, I feel, she invites us all to this place. This place of asking how the choices we make affect other human beings. How we can make changes, from subtle small ones, to large life-changing ones - changes that reflect our desire to make our impact on this world a little less negative and painful and a bit more hopeful and life-giving.

And, as a bonus - she has included a list of organizations and places to shop, that she utilizes. Go check out her post - add your own organizations and tips for living more ethically.

And on this Earth Day, may you be reminded of how truly connected we are and may you feel invited to live with a greater awareness and consciousness that comes from love and respect for others who share this world with us.

Letting Go....

Today I am preparing to let go again.

Throughout this long journey over the last two and a half years there has been an almost singularly consistent theme of letting go.

Letting go of my ideas, my expectations, my control (always letting go of my control). Letting go of the timing, of the methods, of my understanding..... Letting go, at times, of my faith, my hope, my happiness, my sense of security, my plans, my own strength..... Always, always, letting go.

And one of the worst things you could have said to me during this time was that I needed to "just let go". Because, sometimes, I think the person saying that has the idea that letting go will be this peaceful happy thing. You will just choose to let go and poof! just like that you will be free from whatever you were clinging to so tightly.

Anyone who has ever really been forced to let go knows it doesn't happen this way. It is often painful and there is a lot of struggling and grieving involved. We don't hold tightly to things that don't matter deeply to us.

Sure, growth comes through this pain. Sure, letting go of one thing often opens you up to so much more. Sure, it is a process that will almost surely bring deep rewards. But - it is not easy. And there is no such thing as "just letting go".

That being said, I realized last night that the egg retrieval will be, for me, another profound experience of letting go.

The last couple of weeks, as I endured and welcomed the hormones surging through my body, I have been focused intently on growing these many little follicles inside of me. I envision them as grapes, or sometimes as a pepper patch ripening in the garden. I visualize their growth. I tenderly and gently rub my belly where I could feel them becoming more full. As I walked in the sunshine, I imagine the follicles soaking up the sun, becoming ever more full and ripe. I think carefully about what I am eating, drinking, and what vitamins I am taking - I want to give them the best possible nutrients for growing. I am nurturing life inside of me that is growing in a way it never has before.

Truly, the closest I have ever been to nurturing a baby growing inside of me.

So, it is no wonder that having them removed from me tomorrow fills me with just a little sadness and trepidation. I am sending my eggs, a part of myself that I have lovingly nurtured and cared for, out into the world - to be counted, scored, poked, prodded, and fertilized. They will join with sperm and become the embryos that they were meant to become. They will grow in dishes. All outside of my body. Outside of my careful watch. Outside of my control. I am entrusting scientists I have never met (albeit very very talented and brilliant scientists) with the care of these precious little cells, until they are to be returned to me to care for once more. This is more than a little scary. Of course, there is no alternative - this is what must happen for them to become what they are growing to be, what they are destined to be. But still, it makes me a little sad to know that tomorrow they will all be gone. Outside of my body, outside of my care, outside of my hands.....

So, once again, I am practicing letting go. And I am much better at it than I was a year, or even six months ago. So that's at least something.

Today I wanted to prepare myself for this in the only way I know how, through ritual. So, I bathed. Yes, I do bathe daily - but this was a special bath.

First, I scrubbed myself all over with a sea salt scrub - washing away my anxiety, my fear, anything holding me back from this next step. Releasing. Then, I filled the tub with warm water and added rose petals from the roses that have been by my bed for the last week or so, and grapeseed and rose oil. I descended into the water, submerging myself in the warmth and comfort and aromas. I piled rose petals upon my belly and talked to my follicles and the precious eggs they contain. I told them what would happen tomorrow, and the next several days. I told them how excited I was for two of them to return to me at the end of the week. I told them how hopeful I was. And I that I hoped I had given them everything they would need to grow, to thrive, to succeed. I imagined the bath as a pool of love that I was washing them, and myself, in before sending them on.

I emerged from the bath comforted, warmed, softened, peaceful, and ready.

I am going to have to let go. I have done all I can. The rest is a mystery.