39 weeks - aka "our first visit to Labor & Delivery" or "Not Complaining Anymore"

Here is how I spent the day yesterday:

10:30am - missed yoga class so I ran errands, had the oil changed in the car, etc, etc

1:30pm - had my 39 week appt with Dr. Honey. Now about 1.5cm dilated and still 50-60% effaced. She did a small amount of "sweeping my membranes" and offered to do this again for me on Thu morning in hopes of getting things moving.

4:00pm - met up with Mr. Spicy to go check out our future pediatrician's office. Took the tour at 4:30, met with a Dr. and a med asst. Decided this is definitely the practice for us and felt very pleased about that.

5:45pm - arrived home, excited to have dinner with a good friend at 7. Began a playful teasing banter with Mr. Spicy.

~~this is where everything changes~~

5:50pm - got out of the car and began walking towards the house - still joking loudly with husband. Caught my shoe in crack of sidewalk and went flying through the air. In a desperate effort not to land directly on my belly, I turn and land on my right side. I end up with a scraped knee, a scraped hand, (later a sore hip), and and elbow to my belly.

5:55pm - make it into the house with Mr. Spicy's help. Call my OB's office. Search Google frantically for information on falling in the third trimester. The Ob on call, and Dr. Google both reccomend heading straight to Labor & Delivery. Holy Shit.

6:05pm - making the 5 minute drive to labor & Delivery, my doula calls. We tell her what is happening and she talks to me and helps me calm down, reminding me to breathe and connect with my body and my baby. I feel Poblano move a few times and the fear becomes a bit less overwhelming. I have a sense things will be ok. We are in this together.

6:10pm - try to get into night entrance at Labor & Delivery but couldn't understand security guard over intercom. He wouldn't let us in because we didn't specifically say the magic words: "We are in labor!" or "This is an emergency!". We drive around to the main entrance and take the long way to L&D. Mr. Spicy is FUMING at this point.

6:15pm - they get us checked in at L&D. Mr. Spicy goes to move our car. He also goes to have a word with the security guard. I sit anxiously hoping he returns soon and isn't arrested for harrassment or worse. The nurses get me hooked up to the monitors, and Mr. Spicy returns. At first Poblano's heartrate looks it flat. It isn't showing the accelerations they normally like to see. More waiting and watching and listening.

7:00pm - now Poblano's heart rate is looking more normal. They move us to one of the nicer labor and delivery rooms because the computer isn't working in the monitoring room I was in. They draw a full panel of blood and everything looks normal. The Dr. on call from my Ob's office has decided to keep us for four hours of observation. We sit, we wait, we listen. I thank God every time I feel Poblano trying to kick the hell out of those damn monitors. I think they are pretty uncomfortable too.

~~ hours pass, Mr. Spicy gets us Thai food, we eat, watch TV and begin to feel confident things will be ok~~

10:00pm - resident Ob does an u/s - more for our benefit than anything. He is so squished in there, you can't really get a decent shot. But his head is down in my pelvis, and his back is to my left side, with his legs curled over and filling the right side. We see the top of his head, his spine, his heart, his femur - he looks gorgeous to me. He has plenty of fluid and the placenta looks as it should for 39 weeks. HUGE sigh of relief!

11:00pm - another blood draw to compare to the first. The phlebotomist is really rough with his technique and bruises me. But, I don't even wince. I am sure this will be the last step before I get to go home, reassured all is well with our little boy. And that is all that matters.

11:30pm - our nurse comes in. Bad news. My hematocrit has dropped from 38 to 31. This could signify internal bleeding. Or it could be lab error. Either way, they are now telling us we will be staying overnight. We have another blood draw scheduled at 3am. The nurse tries to reassure us. She says first: "Sometimes there's a small bleed and it heals itself." then she says, "But if the next test comes back lower - we will probably induce just to get him out of there." INDUCE! INDUCE!? Shit! Mr. Spicy runs home to let the dogs out and comes back with our "labor bag" just in case. He falls asleep on the bench/bed next to my bed. I stay awake - my mind swimming with the idea that we could be induced in just a few hours. I am exhausted and really uncomfortable from trying to find a way to comfortably sit/lie with those montors attached. I am sore from my fall. I don't know if I was induced if I would have the strength or determination to go through labor right now. I am an emotional wreck from the events of the evening and I could desperately use some sleep. Instead, I watch the clock - walk myself through the "what ifs" - pray - and wait for 3am.

3am - finally. a different phlebotomist arrives. A kind man, probably in his forties with a thick accent. He is much more gentle and wishes me luck. I am grateful for his kindness. I hope it is a good sign of things to come.

3:30am - Our nurse comes in. I am just coming out of the bathroom. My last hematocrit looks great. I didn't even ask for a number, I just was so relieved. She tells us we can stop the monitoring (Poblano's been looking awesome all night long!) and we can sleep till 7, or leave now - whichever we prefer. I wake up Mr. Spicy to tell him the good news. We both agree we'd rather be home. We pack up our stuff, get our discharge info and head home.

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After everything works out, after I know my baby boy is ok and so am I - I feel guilty. Guilty for falling. Guilty for taking up so much time - from Mr. Spicy, from the nurses and doctors.....from everyone. I feel like the girl who cried wolf. I feel uncomfortable with the amount of attention and resources I have drawn to myself. Mr. Spicy assures me the fall was not my fault, and that we did all the right things. He reminds me that neither of us would have slept or probably exhaled the entire night had we not gone in to the hospital and made sure our son was ok. He is right. He is completely right. I just wish I had paid more attention and not fallen in the first place.

I also realize that I no longer feel any room or desire to complain about being uncomfortable or feeling so "ready" for Poblano to come. I don't care anymore. I don't care if he decides to stay in there another 2 weeks. I just want him safe and sound. And he can get here whenever he is ready. The most comforting thing in the world was hearing his heart beat all night long. I got home and could still hear it in my head - the phantom of the monitors wooshing away next to my ear. It had been less than an hour and already I missed hearing him - having some tangible outside proof of him, of his health and strength.

Lastly, even though the nurses and doctors treated us incredibly well and the accomodations were as comfortable as they could be - this visit really cemented my desire to labor at home as long as possible. No matter what they do, the hospital is just no match for home. And even though I was only on external monitors - I realized how limiting and uncomfortable those could be - even just on an intermittent basis - when I am trying to move and adjust and deal with contractions. So. As long as I am doing well, and Poblano is moving around, we will try to stay home during labor as long as we can. We are literally 5 minutes from the hospital and my Dr. fully suports this plan. But - I also realized from our stay last night, how compassionate and helpful the nurses and Dr.s (and even the phlebotomists) are and can be. I realized that if our plan goes awry, if we spend more time there than we hope to - we will be in really good hands. And that is a huge relief.

On our "to do" list before Poblano arrives, Mr. Spicy had written: "Make several practice runs to Labor & Delivery" - we are so close that this is kind of laughable, but he wanted to be prepared. So, as we were leaving last night I told him I thought we had filled that requirement. We hadn't only done a practice run, we'd done a whole "practice stay". He laughed and asked, "Why do we always have to be the overachievers on everything?!"

All the pretty pictures...

***Warning - loads of pregnancy pics ahead.....

I mentioned being behind in posting photos in my last post, so at long last I am getting them up here.

But first, a pictorial that somewhat explains why I posted so little in August and makes me look just a little hardcore. This is what I was up to...

I wasn't kidding about the bathroom remodel....The first picture shows where our old shower/tub used to be, the second is where our old toilet and floor were, the third shows the disaster that Mr. Spicy found when innocently trying to replace some drywall around the skylight - years upon years of water damage had reduced much of the wood to dust, and the last picture is of me donning my "protective gear" - eye goggles, and the most intense breathing apparatus Mr. Spicy could find to protect me from the dust and fumes. His language of love often leads him right to the hardware store, what can I say?

But, we finished it! Mostly! And wouldn't you know I haven't even taken any finished photos yet? Probably because I still have flashbacks whenever I walk into that room now.





On a happier note....I have a months worth of belly pics to unload on y'all, and also a very cute ultrasound picture, hold onto your hats folks, here we go:


18 weeks

(this is the first time I saw a pregnancy photo of myself and was truly shocked. I just didn't *feel* like I was showing that much. My internal image and external images just were not matching up. Also, it made me feel a bit vulnerable to look so obviously pregnant - which surprised me, a lot.)

Now, here are just a few of the gorgeous pictures that MB took of us at 20 weeks...... if you would like to see the whole slideshow, email me and I will send you a link to it. If you would like her contact info - I can give you that as well. She's truly amazing and gifted. We had so much fun with this shoot and it has left us with visible images of a time we really want to savor and remember and hold onto. Plus, she just made us look really good. I can't say enough about how special this was for us, so I'll just share a couple images.....

20 weeks

And here is what our little Poblano looked like at about the same time:

20 weeks and 2 days

Isn't he gorgeous?

On a side note: We do actually have a name for him already - I am just still debating how much personal info I want to put out into the world wide web. Thus, the headless belly shots, and the code names. I have a highly "google-able" name and so I have tried to be pretty careful about things so far...but I am debating how much it really matters? Do any of you have suggestions, opinions, ideas about this issue?

And last but not least, here is how I look today at 22 weeks:

And.....that's all folks! (for now, at least) I still cannot believe I am 22 weeks pregnant. But Poblano reminds me pretty regularly now with his squirming and wiggling. What a wild wild ride!

Because I know you all have been waiting with baited breath.....

Let me get the big news out of the way first thing:

We are having a BOY!

Yep. And there was NO doubt about it, either!

So, we had our big ultrasound yesterday and all was well. He is healthy and looks completely adorable (if I do say so myself). He is measuring just 3 days ahead which is pretty perfect. His placenta is in the right place, the cord looks good, my cervix is nice and long and closed, all his organs look great.

My amniotic fluid was normal, but just on the low side of normal. My doctor wasn't concerned about this but offered to do a re-check in 3 weeks. So, we get another peak in 3 weeks and I hopefully won't worry too much - because oh, how I love a reason to worry, apparently.

I completely thought we were having a girl, or at least I did until about a week ago when my brain started switching the sex of my baby in my daydreams. I was surprised. But we of course would be ecstatic with either sex, we're just so happy everything looks normal so far.

Of course here is where I should be inserting some lovely ultrasound shots (as well as my missing 18 week and 20 week belly shots) - but my internet keeps shorting out, and this is the first time I have been able to get it to work in days, so I will try to do a big post full of pics later when I am sure of more reliable internet access and I am not cussing out my computer every 10 seconds.

Speaking of photos.....I cannot wait to show you some photos from the maternity photo shoot we did with Mary Beth on Monday night at the Denver Botanic Gardens!!! She offered up a free photo shoot to someone in the Colobloggers group as her way of giving something to the infertility community and I snatched it up as quickly as I could. I will write more when I put up some pictures, but suffice to say that she is an incredibly talented and gifted artist and just generally a delightful woman to spend hours wandering through gardens with (or having lunch, whatever...). So I will try to get those up as soon as I can. And if you ever ever need some great photos of you and/or your family - please look her up!

Other than that....we survived the bathroom remodel, the houseguest, the DNC....and we are trying our best to recover and find a way to belatedly celebrate our anniversary since last week was a bit of a blur. As for my belated birthday gift(since I was working all day and cleaning all evening - totally a crime!) I have scheduled myself for a manicure/pedicure and a 90 min prenatal massage tomorrow. I. can. not. wait.

I have all sorts of poetic ramblings going through my head as I think now of raising a boy in this world - but will have to save those for later....our internet has already gone down twice since I started this post.

I guess with all I have left to post I should just end this with:

to be continued...

Delayed Reactions.....

Morning Sickness.....aka "all day sickness" and "kicks your ass in the afternoon sickness".

Well, I have been mildly to moderately queasy for weeks. I have had an mild aversion to all things edible but was pushing through and thought I had seen the worst of it. Not so.

This week morning sickness, which for me is really more afternoon to evening sickness, has hit with a vengeance. Whoa. I am still not throwing up but I am having a really hard time eating - nothing tastes appealing except maybe lemonade and 7-up. My body "threatens" to throw up throughout the evening and I feel like I have the worst sea-sickness of my life.

So I am learning to try to do as much as I can in the morning while I still feel somewhat stable. Because once afternoon hits I am pretty much an invalid. So fun for hubby, let me tell you!

O-well. I guess this is a good sign, right? It is weird though, I am weaning off my progesterone supplements (we call them the "hoo-ha pills" around these parts) so I would think I would feel better, not worse - but it seems to be working just the opposite!

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Joy.....pure, unadulterated joy!

Well, one thing does seem to be happening as I near the ten week mark and as the supplements decrease - my moods are sooooo much better.

I can still occasionally feel that darkness just around the edges threatening to creep in - but it isn't as overwhelming. And I still feel incredibly fragile and sensitive, which I guess is normal.

But overall? So so so much better. (although I feel I should whisper that so as not to tempt fate)

This week I have finally felt what I had expected to be feeling all along, tiny moments of pure, tingling, sparkling joy that fills my whole being up. They are still small little moments, but they feel absolutely huge!

Although I still often feel doubts about myself and my ability to mother, those doubts aren't as powerful now. They don't steal away my ability to enjoy this pregnancy and my ability to be in awe of what an incredible gift this baby is. I am truly amazed that this is happening, inside of my body no less! Wow.

I know I will probably find myself in periods of darkness again on and off throughout this pregnancy - and even as I become a mother.....but for now the darkness is abated and the sunlight feels so good!

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Ultrasound pictures!!!!

We had another ultrasound at 8weeks 6days - on Monday. It has taken me this long to post them because I could not get the room to stop spinning and have only been online in short spurts this whole week.

Anyway. Our Poblano baby is absolutely gorgeous if I do say so myself! His/her heart rate was 171 bpm which is great and s/he was moving a little, waving his/her arms and legs at us like s/he was dancing. (on a side note - I cannot wait for the "big" ultrasound so I can stop using all these gender neutral double pronouns) My husband and I both love dancing so this was quite a delight for us to see!

And s/he finally looks like a BABY!!!!!

There were no tears of joy this time (well, maybe from Mr. Spicy) - just huge beaming smiles that filled our whole faces - and a big huge EXHALE!!!!

I feel like I can finally, finally, finally believe this is happening - and it feels as though I am being hit with a big giant wave of emotions....mostly though I feel complete awe and joy.

And I feel so so lucky. I hope I never ever forget just how lucky and blessed we are to be here. I know at any point it could have gone (and truthfully, still could go) many different ways. I know there is nothing we could have done or accomplished to deserve this or to make this happen. This is pure grace. Completely.

And have I mentioned, "Wow!" ?

Anyway, here's the poblano - it's not a great scan but believe me when I say in the actual picture s/he looks like a chubby little cherubic baby.
and apparently I need to clean my scanner.....

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OB appointment!!!

I was officially "released" from CCRM this week - which was, for me, a bittersweet moment. I have honestly had a really good experience with my doctor and the nurses who have worked with me over the last many months. When we were still doing IUIs I never connected as much with them - but once we started IVF they were there for me every step of the way and I will miss them. They know me, they know my craziness, and they "get" me. And they have all been so excited and celebratory for us, from the nurse who draws my blood, to the nurse who does our ultrasounds, to our IVF nurse, all the way up to the doctor herself. It has really been a supportive and positive place for me and it was a little sad to walk out for the last time.

But on the other hand.....I am going to an OB!!!!! That means I am really pregnant! Wooohooo!

So. Today is my first "meet and greet" appointment with my Ob-to-be. There won't be any blood drawn or anything, this is just so I can drill her get to know her and feel comfortable with choosing her to oversee this pregnancy. I will, of course, have a slew of questions to ask her and I hope she will have some questions for me too. But really? I could just walk in and say, "Here's my hand, I will need you to hold it, non-stop, for the next 7 months." and that should pretty much sum it all up. That, and the fact that I will need her home number, and her personal cell phone number, and her address - just in case. Hello! High maintenance, party of one?

Just a side note.....she (my Ob-to-be) goes by the first name "Honey". Yeah. Honey.

I am imagining confusion in the delivery room as I call out to my husband...."Honey?" and my doctor answers instead. :)

The One Who Got Away

I am finally ready to tell the "rest of the story"...

I needed Friday to be only about celebration, only about joy - I needed to only talk about our Poblano with its beautiful flickering heartbeat and its perfect, right on track, development. I needed one whole day only to talk about how wonderful it was to finally have a baby, our baby, growing inside of me. I needed one day to be about that and that alone.

But there was something else that we saw during our ultrasound on Friday. There was another amniotic sac, one with a yolk sac inside and the tiniest dot of what had been our Poblano's twin, but had stopped growing at some point. We asked the nurse several times if she was sure - if she was really sure there was "nothing" there. And she showed us several times and assured us that she could tell us with certainty that one of the sacs was "empty".

I was not prepared for this. Neither of us were. We thought it would be simple. Either there would be one little pepper or two, or our worst fear - none. But we were totally unprepared to see one thriving and growing, and the other, well - not.

We felt so torn. When left alone in the room we both kept repeating that we didn't know what to feel. We were so happy, thrilled really - to see our little Poblano with its strong little heart just pumping away. But we felt a very real sense of loss and sadness for the one who wasn't.

I have gone through all sorts of emotions about this. I have felt incredibly guilty and broken, wondering if I did something to cause this - wondering why I couldn't support both babies. Was it the day I worked a little too hard in the garden? Or the day I lifted something I shouldn't have?

I have talked to friends and family who have assured me that this happens so often in nature, that it is not my fault. In fact, it may have even happened to someone in my own family. I read statistics online showing that this probably happens in more pregnancies than we realize - maybe as often as 1 in 12 (it is missed because most women aren't even given ultrasounds this early and by the time they are given an ultrasound, the "twin" has "vanished").

I am trying to wrap my mind around a mystery that I cannot explain. I want to find reason and meaning where none is certain.

I am perplexed. I am torn. We have one incredible little pepper growing away - and that in itself is a miracle worthy of celebrating. And I am celebrating. I know. I know how lucky and blessed I am. I know.

But I also cannot stop thinking about "the one who got away". The one who didn't make it. It is a loss, and I am grieving it.

By the next ultrasound, there may be nothing there, nothing to show for the twin that our Poblano will never meet. When this happens it is called a "vanishing twin". It makes it sound so magical and mysterious - "vanishing".

But, I wonder if the image of and the longing for this one will ever really vanish for me. I saw a movie the other night and at the end one of the characters is surprised by having twins. As I saw her holding her two babies, a voice in my head asked, "Why couldn't I have two healthy twins? Why wasn't my body able to support them both?" I was actually shocked by this feeling. It makes me wonder whether I will ever forget that my child started as two. Whether I will always feel this sense of someone who is missing. Or, like so many other losses we experience in life - will the sharp feeling in my chest fade over time? Will it eventually be something we talk about casually in our family? Will the overwhelming joy and love I feel for the one who is growing and thriving overshadow this loss and ultimately wash it away?

Once again I find myself holding a great joy and anticipation, and grieving for what was lost - all at once. This is a strange place to be, an unexpected place to be. But it is a loss I want to grieve. Even as I know that I must let it go......

This is one picture where you can see them both. Next ultrasound, this may all just seem like a dream or a distant memory. There may be nothing left to see of our "Serrano".



Dear Serrano,

Thank you for fighting so hard to implant and grow. Thank you for the short time you were with us. I am so sad that I will never meet you here, that I will never hold you. I do not understand why you had to leave us, and I wish I had been able to stop it somehow. But whatever this means, wherever you are - know that you were and are dearly loved. My love goes with you wherever you have gone.

Always,
Mama

Project Poblano: Right on Track!

Well......ladies and gentlemen......we have ONE. ONE perfect, lovely, incredible, amazing, beautiful, wonderful BABY!!!

We have decided, contrary to our poll results ("Bell" was the winner by one vote) that this little one feels like a "Poblano"....so we're going with it. And today, at 6weeks 3days old, our Poblano is right on track, measuring just about 5mm long and with a heartbeat (gasp! a heartbeat!) of 109. I started crying as I watched the teeniest tiniest heart I could ever imagine work away inside of me so perfectly. I am so proud of our little one. What a miracle.

Thanks to everyone for praying, for wishing, for thinking of us, for holding our hands, for voting on silly polls, and for supporting us. We are truly aware of how utterly blessed we are. We really feel like celebrating now......so here we go!!!!