35 weeks.....really. wow.

Warning! Half naked belly pics below!

So. I am 35 weeks pregnant today. Holy cow.

Everyone keeps asking "Are you excited?" and "Are you ready?"

The answer to the former is, Yes of course I am, but I am also a bit terrified and overwhelmed at the BIG change about to come into our lives. And honestly, I am grieving being so close to the end as well. I almost burst into tears at my last OB appt. This time has literally flown by and there are still so many things I *meant* to do to commemorate it. And although it has been a hard time in some ways, and certainly a time of reflection and growth and assessment - it has been really, truly, sweet. I love my pregnant body. I love the way my husband looks at my giant growing belly and smiles. I love dreaming about our child together. I love feeling him move and knowing he is safe and sound. I love the feeling of strength and beauty I have knowing I am carrying this life inside of me. And no, I won't miss not sleeping, or having massive acid reflux every night, or feeling like someone kicked me in my vagina - but I will miss pregnancy as a whole. I know, I know, ask me again in 3 weeks and see how I feel, right?

The answer to the latter question is pretty much, "Hell no" - we are so far from "ready" (whatever that means). My "to do" list is more than a page long and I will have to accomplish more than one thing on it per day to ensure we are all set for our Poblano. I have washed some of the baby clothes and erected the co-sleeper (it still needs bedding washed and to be attached to the bed) - I have ordered diapers (cloth) and some other items we are missing - but other than that? Yeah, total slacker. Which is no surprise really. I am a renowned procrastinator. I am the queen of getting things done at the last possible hour. I think I actually work better under that stress some times. But in this case, I am working against a really vague deadline. He could come weeks early, or weeks late, or anywhere in between. Doesn't give me a whole lot to work with there. We aren't setting up a nursery right away though, which saves me some work. He will be staying in our room with us for probably the first 6 months or so. We have a dresser for him and a co-sleeper. There's a changing table in our bathroom and we have a couple swings, bouncy seats, etc. that will reside upstairs and downstairs. So, shouldn't be too difficult, right?

Why does everything seem to take so much more time and effort than I could have imagined though? Take our search for a doula for example. We went to a "Meet the Doulas" night. It was good. Lots of good info. Met 4 doulas. No one really jumped out at us. We interviewed another doula at our home. She was really experienced and knowledgeable and would have done a great job, I am sure - but we just didn't "click" with her the way we hoped to. Then, I spent day after day emailing or calling doulas, only to get no response or to find out they aren't practicing any more or are already booked. FINALLY, this weekend we interviewed another doula and she really rocked. She isn't as experienced as some of the others we've looked at, but she has so many qualities that are such a good fit for us and she seems very knowledgeable and supportive. We connected right away and I felt really safe with her discussing some of my concerns and issues around the birth and preparing for it on a spiritual, psychological, emotional, and physical level. She also has a decade of experience as a counselor working with pregnant and postpartum women and is very familiar with post-partum depression. So, she will be very comfortable supporting me in assessing where I am at and getting the resources I will need if that becomes an issue for me. So, that is finally resolved - which is a huge relief - but gosh it seemed to take forever! Now I need to find a pediatrician. Yeah. I am not looking forward to that so much at all. But I have to have one by the time our Poblano arrives - so I better get on it.

Lots has happened in the last few weeks.

• We finished with our birthing classes. We took the Birthing From Within classes. It was a really great series. We met in the instructor's home, with only 2 other couples. It was small and intimate, and creative, and informative, and empowering. It gave us so much to work with - practical aspects like pain management practices and information about birth, emotional aspects like facing our fears and looking at our attitudes and beliefs about birth and about family, and spiritual aspects like making symbols and birth art, and thinking about how we want to welcome our child into the world.

• I had my baby shower this weekend. Two friends of mine hosted a sweet, intimate, meaningful, and fun shower for me. About 12 other women attended. We had great food (all of it was gluten-free, which is a sure-fire way to tell me you love me!) and each of the women said a blessing or wish for this new season coming upon us, or for our birth. And then there was the present opening. I could not have asked for a better shower. I felt so loved and cared for. But it was also really hard having all that attention on me in such an intense way. I had to literally keep coaching myself to stay calm and to keep my ears and my heart open to receive it all. By the end I was full, and completely exhausted.

• I met with my OB at 34 weeks and addressed with her my concerns about her maybe not being available for the birth and also about my wishes and hopes for our birth. It was an incredible conversation. I have sometimes been hesitant to advocate for myself so obviously - so it felt really good to speak up. She took lots of time with me and was really reassuring about everything. It would take volumes to report back all that we talked about and all that she said. But suffice to say I felt really heard and empowered and supported by the time I left her office and I feel so much more confident that our birth is something we will be active, educated participants in. Dr. Honey has been really consistent in addressing my concerns, fears, and questions with respect and compassion and without making me feel rushed or like the worry-wart I sometimes feel that I am. I pretty much adore her for that. In fact, this visit I again mentioned my worry that Poblano isn't moving quite as much as I would expect and without skipping a beat both she and the medical assistant offered to do another NST just to ease my worries. Of course he was just fine, and he did somersaults the entire testing time just to reassure me - but both of them just continued to tell me not to feel weird or embarrassed about asking to come in for this any time I might be afraid. After talking with others who have had to fight with their Dr.s to even be seen at times - I feel really fortunate to have ended up where I have.

So, I will see Dr. Honey again in a week and they will do my first internal exam and test me for Group B Strep (please let me dodge that bullet!) - I will get to see what if anything is happening in my nether regions to get ready for birth (it sure FEELS like something is happening!). I will also begin weekly visits. And wow, we are really here, aren't we?

And last but not least......I did manage to take a 34 week belly photo, although I am posting it a week late - here is my belly in all its glory! (sorry about the lack of clothing - I can't stand wearing clothes right now any more than I have to)

34 weeks:

And the "mommy guilt" begins......

So, I lied. Or I forgot. Or both.

Last week at the end of my "32 week" post I said I would take my 32 week belly pic and post it later. Now, it hasn't been all that uncommon for me to slack off and not post a belly pic in a timely fashion. And this time I had some good excuses as our internet went down, we prepared for company, company arrived, etc. etc. But this time?

I completely spaced taking the picture. I have no 32 week belly shot. And it appears I am well into forgetting to take one at 33 weeks as well, since that landmark is passing me by as we speak.

No big deal right? Except I haven't been consistent on writing letters to our Pepper either and I feel like he will one day look through what I wrote and collected during this pregnancy and wonder why there was an entire month between photos and much more than that between journal entries or letters to or about him.

And I know he may not even care, but I also know that he might. I recently acquired my own baby book from my mother and I was surprised at the intensity with which I poured over every written detail and photo. From who attended my mother's baby shower, to pictures of me with the family cat. I wanted clues to this period of time, this time I cannot and will never remember, I wanted to know how my parents felt about me, how I affected their lives, what my life was like in those early days and weeks and years.

So, I feel like something as small as forgetting to document my 32nd week of pregnancy with an appropriate photo could leave a hole in the narrative I have to offer my son. And I realize already that there are so many holes, so many days and weeks undocumented. So many moments when I look down at my growing belly with absolute awe, and feel him move and whisper, "I love you" - that I have never ever written down. And I worry he might never know just how in love I am with him already at this moment, how in love I am with being pregnant, how this is truly the greatest and most amazing time of my entire life and that in many ways it is all because of him.

So here it is. Written down. In case I forget to tell him.

Little man, you are so deeply wanted and loved. I am so honored and happy to be your mama and to have the priviledge to carry you, nourish you, and bring you into this world. I will forget many things, I already have. But I will never ever forget to love you.

Backlog of belly pics

I am so far behind on posting these....geez! But for all of you who may still be interested - here are the much-delayed belly pics of weeks 24-30. Enjoy!


Week 24:




Week 26:



Week 28:




and Week 30 complete with my big pink Obama shirt, which turns out to be quite accurate!:

All the pretty pictures...

***Warning - loads of pregnancy pics ahead.....

I mentioned being behind in posting photos in my last post, so at long last I am getting them up here.

But first, a pictorial that somewhat explains why I posted so little in August and makes me look just a little hardcore. This is what I was up to...

I wasn't kidding about the bathroom remodel....The first picture shows where our old shower/tub used to be, the second is where our old toilet and floor were, the third shows the disaster that Mr. Spicy found when innocently trying to replace some drywall around the skylight - years upon years of water damage had reduced much of the wood to dust, and the last picture is of me donning my "protective gear" - eye goggles, and the most intense breathing apparatus Mr. Spicy could find to protect me from the dust and fumes. His language of love often leads him right to the hardware store, what can I say?

But, we finished it! Mostly! And wouldn't you know I haven't even taken any finished photos yet? Probably because I still have flashbacks whenever I walk into that room now.





On a happier note....I have a months worth of belly pics to unload on y'all, and also a very cute ultrasound picture, hold onto your hats folks, here we go:


18 weeks

(this is the first time I saw a pregnancy photo of myself and was truly shocked. I just didn't *feel* like I was showing that much. My internal image and external images just were not matching up. Also, it made me feel a bit vulnerable to look so obviously pregnant - which surprised me, a lot.)

Now, here are just a few of the gorgeous pictures that MB took of us at 20 weeks...... if you would like to see the whole slideshow, email me and I will send you a link to it. If you would like her contact info - I can give you that as well. She's truly amazing and gifted. We had so much fun with this shoot and it has left us with visible images of a time we really want to savor and remember and hold onto. Plus, she just made us look really good. I can't say enough about how special this was for us, so I'll just share a couple images.....

20 weeks

And here is what our little Poblano looked like at about the same time:

20 weeks and 2 days

Isn't he gorgeous?

On a side note: We do actually have a name for him already - I am just still debating how much personal info I want to put out into the world wide web. Thus, the headless belly shots, and the code names. I have a highly "google-able" name and so I have tried to be pretty careful about things so far...but I am debating how much it really matters? Do any of you have suggestions, opinions, ideas about this issue?

And last but not least, here is how I look today at 22 weeks:

And.....that's all folks! (for now, at least) I still cannot believe I am 22 weeks pregnant. But Poblano reminds me pretty regularly now with his squirming and wiggling. What a wild wild ride!

New Moon, New Month, New pictures....

It is a new moon tonight and the beginning of a brand new month (the month that also just happens to contain my birthday and anniversary in it) so when better to sit down and write a new post and post some new belly pics?

Well.....after my last post I feel like I owe y'all a big long post about everything that's been going on with me. But all that is coming to mind right now is something that vaguely resembles a "Here's How I Spent My Summer Vacation" essay.

And it has been a big summer so far.

The poblano and I attended a few concerts together (REM, True Colors, Indigo Girls, Feist) and Mr. Spicy even made it to one with us. He and I danced the Lindy Hop together at the Feist show to "My Moon My Man" and it was a blast - although I did feel a little like a Weeble Wobble. I loved being at these shows and sharing all these meaningful and joyful experiences with our little one this way. I danced and rocked back and forth to the music imagining the poblano soaking up the vibrations, the sounds, and all my happy endorphins, while listening to me belt out songs (although very likely horribly out of tune). I already can’t wait to take the poblano to his/her first concert one day. The True Colors tour was probably my favorite show in years and being there with hundreds of people of all ages, races, religions, sexual orientations, and genders who were all focused on equality and human rights while sharing in some amazing music (B-52s, Cyndi Lauper, Joan Armatrading) was powerful in a way I can't really find words for. Looking around at all of these beautiful people and feeling this incredibly positive and loving "vibe" that was just saturating the air, I kept thinking that this was exactly the kind of experience I want to share with my child one day. I want my child to experience the power and beauty of people united in an effort to create positive change in the world by bringing themselves, who they are, their talents, their gifts, their art, their hearts.....to one place together in hope and love for humanity. I want my child to see how amazing people can be. I want my child to see how amazing s/he is and I want my child to believe it is possible to create change with love.

Being out of a job, and having trouble finding one, I decided to volunteer a bit this summer with a day camp for youth (7-13) who live in the same urban neighborhood as we do. The camp is arts-based but also deals with issues of the community and the environment. As part of my volunteer work I had the opportunity to visit the art museum and to meet our district's city councilwoman. It was so great to be "working" with kids again and getting to experience art with them just put me right back in my element. Tomorrow I finish up my volunteering by assisting at a local arts festival that benefits the non-profit that provides this day camp. This has been such a positive experience for me and I am really grateful I had the chance to spend part of my summer this way, with these kids.

We traveled earlier this summer out to the midwest to visit family. Mid-July, the favor was returned and my youngest sister and her four kids came out here to visit the big city. It was a whirlwind of a visit but it was so good to have them here and get that time with them. We all had so much fun together and they are already planning their next trip back. Then, my eight year old niece (LJ) stayed with me the last week in July. She comes out to spend a week with us each summer and it is always a really special time for me. Mr. Spicy was traveling (again) the week she was here so it was especially nice to have her spunky, creative spirit and her sweet, tender heart here to keep me company while he was away. She just left yesterday and I miss her a ton already.

Speaking of Mr. Spicy - his company was taken over in the last month by a larger company and he has been super busy with travel, meetings, and basically just proving how indispensable he is. He also took a cross-country road trip, driving with his mom in a moving truck over 2000 miles. She moved back east this summer to help care for other family members who are dealing with serious health issues. We were both a bit sad to see her go but she is already planning her trip out here to visit the poblano early next year. Oh....and just because he doesn't have enough on his plate, the Spicy Man gutted our upstairs bathroom and it is currently awaiting remodeling/ rebuilding which we will be hurrying to get done in the next 2 weeks before the British journalist, who we will be renting our bedroom to, arrives for the DNC.

I also have been applying for jobs which has been a little weird because I really only want to work up until my last month or so of pregnancy, so I am not looking for anything long term. It is hard enough to sell yourself and put yourself out there when you are looking for jobs in your chosen field, jobs you plan to stay at for years, jobs you hope to make a career out of. But putting all that effort out there to find a job you can easily walk away from in 4 months or so just feels harder in some ways. Fortunately, a friend has asked me to cover for her nanny in Aug and Sept while she is on maternity leave (the nanny, not my friend) so that will be a good start, and her next door neighbor has expressed an interest in hiring me for the same in Oct. and Nov. - so if that works out I will be in much better shape and can finally stop obsessively scanning employment ads, which will be nice.

Speaking of not working, it has been really hard to be out of work all these months. I had planned to take off during our IVF process, but thought I would be back working much sooner than this. I haven't worked a job since March! If I were home taking care of a child that would be something, but just being a "stay-at-home-wife" has felt very weird and uncomfortable to me. I like contributing financially, I like having an answer to the "What do you do?" question. Lately I just feel this big silence come over me when that question is asked......not that I am totally wasting this time - I don't think I am - but I do better when I have a little more structure to my days and I am not quite so all alone all the time. Although, this summer has felt so incredibly busy and draining at times that I can hardly imagine having added a job into the mix any sooner.... so maybe it has all been for the best. Besides, I only began making it through an entire day without multiple naps and bouts of nausea a couple of weeks ago, so.....yeah.


On top of all this there has been the roller coaster of hormones and emotions that pregnancy brings and all that fun (not so much) deep psychological and spiritual work to be done by Mr. Spicy and I as we prepare (and freak out) on our way to becoming parents. More on that to come....

Oh....and while I am experiencing a bit more energy (although nowhere near the incredible surge of 2nd trimester energy that the pregnancy books all insist I should be feeling!) and the nausea is subsiding....I am having all NEW 2nd trimester symptoms! Yay! Actually, they aren't too bad at all and I do feel tons better than I felt even a few weeks ago. Mostly right now I am having swelling of my hands and feet, some sciatic pain if I am a little too active, numbness on my left thigh (related to sciatic nerve compression apparently), and the unmistakable sensation of feeling like a human space heater. Today it hit 104 degrees and I thought I was going to spontaneously combust and that Mr. Spicy would come home to a large pile of ashes instead of a wife. I am so ready for summer to be over, and I have never ever wished for that before. I usually LOVE summer, the hotter the better. But now? Not so much. I am literally praying for rain.

If I have not sufficiently bored you already, I will now share the belly pics of the last few weeks that prove that yes, there is in fact a little someone growing in there. Which is still a fact I can barely wrap my brain around most days.

Week 14


























Week 15

(and yes, that is a toilet sitting in the middle of the room....remember when I mentioned the "gutted" bathroom? I wasn't kidding! I suggested we leave it here and use it as a giant water bowl for the dogs....but Mr. Spicy vetoed the idea.)












and........


Week 16

(the red shirt against the red wall isn't my best artistic choice but check out those sexy maternity jeans! I will be keeping those long after pregnancy for those big thanksgiving dinners....it makes me wonder why I ever wore pants with buttons or zippers?)

Peace, Love, & Belly Pics

A couple of weeks ago, in the midst of a nasty sinus infection, I woke up to discover I had lost several pounds over the last couple of days. This was not a huge surprise since solid food absolutely repulsed me at the time - but my stomach had also lost that hard spot that I had identified with being pregnant. So I panicked, sure that the meds I was taking (although on the *safe* list from my doctor) had somehow caused something to go wrong with the baby.

So where did I go for relief? Why, the internet of course!!! And within minutes I found myself on ebay purchasing a Doppler for $39 from Hong Kong. Normally I have a pretty strong aversion to buying things made in China but all I was seeing was a Doppler and a dollar sign at that point.

Of course, the doppler took about a week and a half to arrive so it wasn't exactly offering me much peace in the moment - but I knew that there would be many more freak-outs ahead and waiting 3-4 weeks between doctor appointments to hear the sound of our baby alive and well was just not going to work for me. I figured my peace of mind was worth at least $39.

I did go to the doctor that same day to be seen for the sinus infection and the nurse got out the doppler (which I know cost a great deal more than $39) and I heard the baby's heart beating away. It *almost* stopped me from wanting to stab my own eyes out to be free from the pain in my head. Almost.

So a week or so later when the doppler finally arrived I was no longer in panic mode and was in fact on my way out to a concert (True Colors Tour at Red Rocks - AMAZING!!!!) but I still ripped it from the box, plopped myself on the couch, rubbed oil on my belly, and began the search. It took me a couple minutes to find the heartbeat the first time, during which Mr. Spicy continued to point out that it was a cheap plastic doppler made in China and that I shouldn't expect too much out of it....and then......Eureka!

There was the galloping swooshing beating of our little Poblano's heart. I breathed a deep sigh of relief. Mr. Spicy had tears in his eyes. And I left for the concert a few minutes later with the biggest smile I have had in years.

Initially, I would obsessively use the doppler both morning and night, seeking confirmation that this little life was still growing inside of me. Slowly, I moved to using it only at night, and now I might even skip a night or two between uses.

I expected this little machine to give me some peace, and it has. I feel an immense peace settle over me each time I hear that tiny beating little heart working away inside of me. My heart rate drops significantly every time I hear the baby's.

What I didn't know to expect was the overwhelming feeling of love and adoration - just from hearing this little heart. Each night that I lie there in the dark listening to our little one before falling asleep I feel this love within me just swell and overflow. My favorite moments are those when I can hear the slower whooshing of the blood flowing from my heart through my veins and the quick rabbit-like pulsing of my baby's heart beat, at the same time. In that moment I am reminded in a very concrete way how we are in this together, our baby and I. I realize that the sound my baby knows the very best right now is the sound of my own heart. My heart, beating away without any instruction or supervision from me, doing just what it is meant to do - it is feeding, nourishing, and comforting my little one. My heart already knows how to do this, and is doing it naturally and perfectly. This is the most comforting thing in the world to me.

When I imagine the Poblano growing away inside of me, as I lie there and memorize its heartbeats, I imagine it in a garden, or in a large flower bud, tucked away inside, being nourished and fed with beauty and life. And when I see this in my mind, I am overcome with the peace and love in it all.

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And.....I have some belly pics! Here are photos taken at 10 weeks, and then at 12 weeks - I will be taking the 14 week photos tomorrow and will try to be a little more timely about getting them up here. I still cannot believe I am about to put pictures of my stomach on the internet! Ah well....so much for vanity! :)

10 weeks:


















12 weeks: