When we were in the throws of trying desperately to get pregnant and facing our infertility, the lack of control, the heartache, the desperation I felt seemed to remind me constantly on a deep emotional level of a time when I was younger, more helpless and felt similarly out of control and stuck and desperate for something to change. It was as if the pain created a bridge in time between the two and I was constantly traveling back and forth between them. I ended up feeling lost and traumatized in the present by memories and emotions I had long ago left behind. I felt haunted. It was difficult to distinguish where my feelings were coming from - was I suicidally depressed just because our final IUI didn't work, or was it also tapping into pain I felt when I was so much smaller?
Anyone who has dealt with or is dealing with trauma can probably identify with this. It is not that uncommon.
So now, I am pregnant. When we first found out we were pregnant I wondered if this trauma response in me would rear its ugly head again, I wondered if I would truly be able to cherish and enjoy this pregnancy the way I longed to. Thankfully, for the most part, I have been able to. I had some depression early on, and more recently have dealt with anxiety - but thank G.od it has been nothing like what I feared. In fact, I am already grieving how fast it is passing me by because I want more time to really soak in the miracle and wonder that having this little one inside of me truly is.
But it has not been easy.
Being pregnant touches on my control issues in a whole different way than infertility did. With infertility I felt stuck. I felt as if all the effort in the world might not move me from the spot I had found myself in. I remember one day, meditating on a large boulder in the middle of a fast moving stream, thinking how I felt like that boulder, stuck in the middle of life with everything around me moving past me, leaving me behind - and I wept. In that meditation though, I also received a sense of peacefulness, if just for a moment, about being still like that - about letting the events in my life shape me, about being powerless but strong. I learned a lot during those weeks, months, years - the experience was not wasted on me.
Powerlessness in pregnancy has a whole different feel to it. I no longer feel stuck. If anything I feel as though I am being swept up in a fast moving current. I am moving, life is moving. But it is happening so fast, and it feels still so far beyond my power to control very much about it. I can swim, I can float, I can laugh or scream or cry - but in it all I will still be moving swiftly through these currents. At times this has been a peaceful thought for me. Something I could surrender to. The thought that maybe it wasn't all up to me, the idea that there is something or Someone bigger at work here, a force of life much stronger than me. I have been comforted by the thought that the growth of this baby, the course of this pregnancy, the life that has formed and is developing - none of it depends upon me fully. There is no way to "do it perfectly" or "get it right". I simply have to let go, surrender, trust.
Ah....but there's the rub! Surrender, trust.....let go.... Sounds an awful lot like the advice given to me when we were struggling so hard to become parents. And that's where this comes full circle.
Lately, I find myself thinking a lot. a lot. about our journey with infertility. I find myself grieving for the parts of myself I left behind in that battle, for the ways I was stripped bare and wounded. I find myself reminded of that pain, that longing, all the choices we had to make that we never thought we'd make. The great cost of the journey and those choices on our lives, our hearts, our relationships. I am reminded of how alone I felt - how completely alone. I was not alone, but it was such a lonely and deeply personal process, one that not even my partner, who was in it with me and experiencing his own loss and frustration, could ever truly enter into fully with me, as much as he tried (and vice versa).
The good side of being reminded of all of this is that it does make every little kick, every stirring in my womb feel that much more of a miracle. I cannot stop saying "Thank you" for this new little boy growing inside of me.
The down side is - well, it's hard. I am not one of those women who continually identifies herself as someone who became "pregnant after infertility". And as selfish as it sounds, as soon as I became pregnant I felt a strong urge to leave the world of infertility behind me once and for all. I was sick of living there. I know the p.c. thing, the other-centered thing, the human thing, would have been to want to stay in it for the sake of others, to be there for them - to share my story, my hope, my resources, my support. And for a few women, I have. But for the most part, I just wanted to come up for air. I wanted to be free, I wanted to feel "normal" again. But of course there is no feeling totally "normal" when you finally become pregnant after years of trying, after failed treatments, after IVF. At least for me there wasn't. I still worry constantly that my body won't know what to do, that I am "broken" or "deficient" in some way. I worry this little boy will be taken from me. I am overly aware of the fragility of life, of our bodies, of what is at stake here. And I probably always will be, in some way.
It is, in many ways, very much like the bridge in time that was formed during my journey with infertility. Instead, now the lack of control, the fear, the being swept away by it all - it draws me back to my experiences just a year ago, or two years ago. In a way I feel a bit haunted again.
And yet, just as with infertility, and the memories it brought up for me - I feel some sense of purpose in this haunting, this remembering. I know I cannot run from it. I cannot pretend I got here any other way. So when I need to grieve it, I grieve. When I need to just stop and remember, I try to stop and let myself remember. Remember, that a year ago I was bordering on suicidal. Remember, that a year ago I was losing hope that I would ever ever be where I am at today. Remember, that while I am so incredibly blessed and fortunate to be here - it took a lot out of me to make it this far, and I am still healing - still picking up the pieces, still finding myself in the rubble of it all.
Sometimes this is more difficult because the current I am being swept up in is moving so very fast, and constantly, constantly, it feels there are more things thrown into that current with me - more changes, more of life just being washed away, or transported to something completely new. It is like whitewater rafting without a raft.
I was determined when I was that rock in the middle of the gushing waters - I was determined to learn from it, to heal, to find my strength, to practice being still and letting go. And now as I face a very different place of powerlessness I know I will need that same determination to learn to let go, to swim when I need to, and to let the waters carry me when I don't.
October 03, 2008
September 21, 2008
Update, Observations, and Peace....
Just wanted to pop in and give a little update of sorts.
- I was out of town this weekend with friends at their cabin and it was so good to be with people who know us, get us, and love us - even when none of us have showered for two days.
- I have had the nastiest cold all week. Every time I think I am getting better it creeps back up on me. Being sick while pregnant is a whole new kind of torture. (Especially if you are like me and a tad bit paranoid about taking meds, even when your Dr. tells you they are safe. Not that there's a whole lot you can take anyway.)
- I am also experiencing insomnia off and on. I am not used to this at all. I am usually a world champion sleeper. Having to be really deliberate and conscious about my sleeping and my before-bed-routine is a challenge for me. I miss sleeping for more than 4 hours at a time.
- Acid reflux. Holy hell. I have spent at least two nights sleeping upright. I am finding myself capable of things I never knew possible.
- I finished up my first temporary nanny gig on Friday. It was such a perfect job for me and I feel so lucky that I had this opportunity. The last five weeks with these girls have been such a gift. The family I worked for are close friends of ours so it was an added bonus to have this time to develop a closer relationship with their two incredible little girls. I loved it. The one caveat would be that the nasty killer cold came from the girls - but that can't be helped. :)
- I should start the second temporary nanny-gig in a couple weeks when the other family's nanny leaves to have her little boy. I don't really know this family, so it will be a really different experience and truthfully I am a little worried about it since I am getting increasingly exhausted and worn down as the weeks progress and I don't really know these two girls at all. But I am trying to remain hopeful that this too will be a great experience and a great opportunity to make some income while hanging out with some cool kiddos.
- I got my first "You are huge!" comment this week as well. An eighty-two year old woman (with some loss of impulse control) asked when I was due. When I told her, she remarked that I looked as if I was about to give birth any day now and asked if I was sure it wasn't twins. I politely answered her and made a quick exit. The thing is, I am definitely a bit bigger than I expected to be at this point, but I haven't gained a ton of weight, in fact I am pretty textbook right now. I just am carrying everything all out front. Regardless, I am loving my pregnant body right now. Although it still shocks me on a regular basis to look in the mirror and see this big basketball protruding from my abdomen, I feel sexy and beautiful in a way I maybe never have before. I feel womanly. And I like it. (And so does Mr. Spicy....)
- Poblano is moving a lot more and Mr. Spicy was finally able to feel a kick from the outside this week which is it's own special brand of amazingness. But now I freak if he (Poblano) moves a little less from one day or one hour to the next. The doppler still gets a little work out from me once or twice a week.
- We had our re-check ultrasound last week and there is lots of fluid around our little guy, which was a relief. Everything looked great and it was incredible to see how much he has developed in just 3 weeks. He looks like a baby! And we could even tell he has his daddy's lips!
- At our re-check appt my doctor suggested that I might be having anxiety attacks. I have been having sporadic periods of heart-racing and breathlessness but was attributing them to hormones. Turns out, they might be actual anxiety. So I was instructed to get a good measure of my resting heart rate and then record what my heart rate is when these actually occur. The thing is, I don't always feel actively anxious on a conscious level when these happen. Which is probably why I was prefering to chalk them up to hormones. But the more I think about them and when and how they occur, I am more and more convinced that they are a symptom of some internal turmoil. I had one this weekend during a conversation with a friend about something I am working through in therapy. Probably not a coincidence. My heartrate jumped to 130. Lying down and taking a nap seemed to help but I should probably pay more attention to the triggers for these and maybe find some reliable relaxation techniques in the meantime? At any rate, there are a million reasons I could be dealing with anxiety at this time, and all of them are valid. I just hate anxiety because in the moment I just feel it so intensely and trying to figure it out isn't always helpful right then when I am trying to catch my breath. It kind of demands that I stop everything and deal with it, or at least the symptoms of it - right now. Which, ironically, is possibly what my body is trying to get me to do - stop everything and deal with it. But I could go on forever about this.....
- I am almost 24 weeks pregnant which seems like a fluke, a joke, and a miracle all at the same time. So far pregnancy has been everything I hoped for and feared, and so much more. It is the hardest thing I have ever done and also the most incredible. I regularly am flummoxed by the duality of emotions I feel: pure joy and gratitude for being so incredibly fortunate to be here, excitement and anticipation of what is to come, exhaustion and anxiety and general yuckiness, vulnerability and fear, and a big large helping of cluelessness and humility. I mean, how is this really happening to me? I still can't get my brain around it at all. And in general it feels like it is flying by, like all these strange things are happening to my body and to my heart and to my life - but they are happening so fast I can't even seem to catch up. I feel this great longing to stop the clock and have a week or two to just breathe, contemplate, and savor this experience. But instead I feel as though the days are simply speeding by me before I even have a chance to be in them fully. I wish I was more grounded in all of this.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So, here I am, more than halfway through pregnancy, a huge, anxiety-ridden, emotional, congested, insomniac. I feel crazy and happy and overwhelmed and terrified all at the same time. Sometimes, a lot of times, I wish it was easier for me. I wish I was someone who just sailed through with barely a blip, sure of myself, sure of this pregnancy, and sure of what was to come. But that has never been me. So, it has been work - physical, emotional, spiritual work - but I know, I know, how fortunate I am that this work is mine to do. And in the midst of this work there are moments of joy that I thought at times I might never get to experience. Joy that leads me to great hopefulness. So, I am immensely grateful for that - that I get to be here, that I get to do this work, that I get to drink up this joy, and I am just hoping for a little more peace and groundedness in the midst of it. For my sake, for my husband's sake, and for the sake of our son.
Peace. Peace and groundedness.
- I was out of town this weekend with friends at their cabin and it was so good to be with people who know us, get us, and love us - even when none of us have showered for two days.
- I have had the nastiest cold all week. Every time I think I am getting better it creeps back up on me. Being sick while pregnant is a whole new kind of torture. (Especially if you are like me and a tad bit paranoid about taking meds, even when your Dr. tells you they are safe. Not that there's a whole lot you can take anyway.)
- I am also experiencing insomnia off and on. I am not used to this at all. I am usually a world champion sleeper. Having to be really deliberate and conscious about my sleeping and my before-bed-routine is a challenge for me. I miss sleeping for more than 4 hours at a time.
- Acid reflux. Holy hell. I have spent at least two nights sleeping upright. I am finding myself capable of things I never knew possible.
- I finished up my first temporary nanny gig on Friday. It was such a perfect job for me and I feel so lucky that I had this opportunity. The last five weeks with these girls have been such a gift. The family I worked for are close friends of ours so it was an added bonus to have this time to develop a closer relationship with their two incredible little girls. I loved it. The one caveat would be that the nasty killer cold came from the girls - but that can't be helped. :)
- I should start the second temporary nanny-gig in a couple weeks when the other family's nanny leaves to have her little boy. I don't really know this family, so it will be a really different experience and truthfully I am a little worried about it since I am getting increasingly exhausted and worn down as the weeks progress and I don't really know these two girls at all. But I am trying to remain hopeful that this too will be a great experience and a great opportunity to make some income while hanging out with some cool kiddos.
- I got my first "You are huge!" comment this week as well. An eighty-two year old woman (with some loss of impulse control) asked when I was due. When I told her, she remarked that I looked as if I was about to give birth any day now and asked if I was sure it wasn't twins. I politely answered her and made a quick exit. The thing is, I am definitely a bit bigger than I expected to be at this point, but I haven't gained a ton of weight, in fact I am pretty textbook right now. I just am carrying everything all out front. Regardless, I am loving my pregnant body right now. Although it still shocks me on a regular basis to look in the mirror and see this big basketball protruding from my abdomen, I feel sexy and beautiful in a way I maybe never have before. I feel womanly. And I like it. (And so does Mr. Spicy....)
- Poblano is moving a lot more and Mr. Spicy was finally able to feel a kick from the outside this week which is it's own special brand of amazingness. But now I freak if he (Poblano) moves a little less from one day or one hour to the next. The doppler still gets a little work out from me once or twice a week.
- We had our re-check ultrasound last week and there is lots of fluid around our little guy, which was a relief. Everything looked great and it was incredible to see how much he has developed in just 3 weeks. He looks like a baby! And we could even tell he has his daddy's lips!
- At our re-check appt my doctor suggested that I might be having anxiety attacks. I have been having sporadic periods of heart-racing and breathlessness but was attributing them to hormones. Turns out, they might be actual anxiety. So I was instructed to get a good measure of my resting heart rate and then record what my heart rate is when these actually occur. The thing is, I don't always feel actively anxious on a conscious level when these happen. Which is probably why I was prefering to chalk them up to hormones. But the more I think about them and when and how they occur, I am more and more convinced that they are a symptom of some internal turmoil. I had one this weekend during a conversation with a friend about something I am working through in therapy. Probably not a coincidence. My heartrate jumped to 130. Lying down and taking a nap seemed to help but I should probably pay more attention to the triggers for these and maybe find some reliable relaxation techniques in the meantime? At any rate, there are a million reasons I could be dealing with anxiety at this time, and all of them are valid. I just hate anxiety because in the moment I just feel it so intensely and trying to figure it out isn't always helpful right then when I am trying to catch my breath. It kind of demands that I stop everything and deal with it, or at least the symptoms of it - right now. Which, ironically, is possibly what my body is trying to get me to do - stop everything and deal with it. But I could go on forever about this.....
- I am almost 24 weeks pregnant which seems like a fluke, a joke, and a miracle all at the same time. So far pregnancy has been everything I hoped for and feared, and so much more. It is the hardest thing I have ever done and also the most incredible. I regularly am flummoxed by the duality of emotions I feel: pure joy and gratitude for being so incredibly fortunate to be here, excitement and anticipation of what is to come, exhaustion and anxiety and general yuckiness, vulnerability and fear, and a big large helping of cluelessness and humility. I mean, how is this really happening to me? I still can't get my brain around it at all. And in general it feels like it is flying by, like all these strange things are happening to my body and to my heart and to my life - but they are happening so fast I can't even seem to catch up. I feel this great longing to stop the clock and have a week or two to just breathe, contemplate, and savor this experience. But instead I feel as though the days are simply speeding by me before I even have a chance to be in them fully. I wish I was more grounded in all of this.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So, here I am, more than halfway through pregnancy, a huge, anxiety-ridden, emotional, congested, insomniac. I feel crazy and happy and overwhelmed and terrified all at the same time. Sometimes, a lot of times, I wish it was easier for me. I wish I was someone who just sailed through with barely a blip, sure of myself, sure of this pregnancy, and sure of what was to come. But that has never been me. So, it has been work - physical, emotional, spiritual work - but I know, I know, how fortunate I am that this work is mine to do. And in the midst of this work there are moments of joy that I thought at times I might never get to experience. Joy that leads me to great hopefulness. So, I am immensely grateful for that - that I get to be here, that I get to do this work, that I get to drink up this joy, and I am just hoping for a little more peace and groundedness in the midst of it. For my sake, for my husband's sake, and for the sake of our son.
Peace. Peace and groundedness.
September 10, 2008
Argh!
I am SO frustrated with Blogger right now.
Any time I try to do a post with multiple pictures, the layout gets all screwy and it never publishes the way it looks on the "preview". And, and, and - when I look at the page on two different computers, the layout looks totally different.
So, I just spent 30 minutes realigning the photos and text on my last post so that it looks "right" on my computer, but have no idea how it looks to anyone else, since when I checked it out earlier at work it looked perfectly fine - only when I came home did it appear completely screwed up. As if perhaps I was drunk when I was posting? Which I assure you I was not.
Mmmmm......a Margarita sounds soooooo good right now. Damn.
Ok, vent over - sorry. I know this is so trivial and minor. But if any of you blogging gurus out there have any advice, I would welcome your wisdom at this point. Since obviously I am not smarter than Blogger.
Thanks!
Any time I try to do a post with multiple pictures, the layout gets all screwy and it never publishes the way it looks on the "preview". And, and, and - when I look at the page on two different computers, the layout looks totally different.
So, I just spent 30 minutes realigning the photos and text on my last post so that it looks "right" on my computer, but have no idea how it looks to anyone else, since when I checked it out earlier at work it looked perfectly fine - only when I came home did it appear completely screwed up. As if perhaps I was drunk when I was posting? Which I assure you I was not.
Mmmmm......a Margarita sounds soooooo good right now. Damn.
Ok, vent over - sorry. I know this is so trivial and minor. But if any of you blogging gurus out there have any advice, I would welcome your wisdom at this point. Since obviously I am not smarter than Blogger.
Thanks!
All the pretty pictures...
***Warning - loads of pregnancy pics ahead.....
I mentioned being behind in posting photos in my last post, so at long last I am getting them up here.
But first, a pictorial that somewhat explains why I posted so little in August and makes me look just a little hardcore. This is what I was up to...
I wasn't kidding about the bathroom remodel....The first picture shows where our old shower/tub used to be, the second is where our old toilet and floor were, the third shows the disaster that Mr. Spicy found when innocently trying to replace some drywall around the skylight - years upon years of water damage had reduced much of the wood to dust, and the last picture is of me donning my "protective gear" - eye goggles, and the most intense breathing apparatus Mr. Spicy could find to protect me from the dust and fumes. His language of love often leads him right to the hardware store, what can I say?
But, we finished it! Mostly! And wouldn't you know I haven't even taken any finished photos yet? Probably because I still have flashbacks whenever I walk into that room now.
On a happier note....I have a months worth of belly pics to unload on y'all, and also a very cute ultrasound picture, hold onto your hats folks, here we go:
18 weeks
I mentioned being behind in posting photos in my last post, so at long last I am getting them up here.
But first, a pictorial that somewhat explains why I posted so little in August and makes me look just a little hardcore. This is what I was up to...
I wasn't kidding about the bathroom remodel....The first picture shows where our old shower/tub used to be, the second is where our old toilet and floor were, the third shows the disaster that Mr. Spicy found when innocently trying to replace some drywall around the skylight - years upon years of water damage had reduced much of the wood to dust, and the last picture is of me donning my "protective gear" - eye goggles, and the most intense breathing apparatus Mr. Spicy could find to protect me from the dust and fumes. His language of love often leads him right to the hardware store, what can I say?But, we finished it! Mostly! And wouldn't you know I haven't even taken any finished photos yet? Probably because I still have flashbacks whenever I walk into that room now.
On a happier note....I have a months worth of belly pics to unload on y'all, and also a very cute ultrasound picture, hold onto your hats folks, here we go:
18 weeks
(this is the first time I saw a pregnancy photo of myself and was truly shocked. I just didn't *feel* like I was showing that much. My internal image and external images just were not matching up. Also, it made me feel a bit vulnerable to look so obviously pregnant - which surprised me, a lot.)
Now, here are just a few of the gorgeous pictures that MB took of us at 20 weeks...... if you would like to see the whole slideshow, email me and I will send you a link to it. If you would like her contact info - I can give you that as well. She's truly amazing and gifted. We had so much fun with this shoot and it has left us with visible images of a time we really want to savor and remember and hold onto. Plus, she just made us look really good. I can't say enough about how special this was for us, so I'll just share a couple images.....
20 weeks
And here is what our little Poblano looked like at about the same time:
20 weeks and 2 days
Isn't he gorgeous?
On a side note: We do actually have a name for him already - I am just still debating how much personal info I want to put out into the world wide web. Thus, the headless belly shots, and the code names. I have a highly "google-able" name and so I have tried to be pretty careful about things so far...but I am debating how much it really matters? Do any of you have suggestions, opinions, ideas about this issue?
And last but not least, here is how I look today at 22 weeks:
And.....that's all folks! (for now, at least) I still cannot believe I am 22 weeks pregnant. But Poblano reminds me pretty regularly now with his squirming and wiggling. What a wild wild ride!
August 29, 2008
Because I know you all have been waiting with baited breath.....
Let me get the big news out of the way first thing:
We are having a BOY!
Yep. And there was NO doubt about it, either!
So, we had our big ultrasound yesterday and all was well. He is healthy and looks completely adorable (if I do say so myself). He is measuring just 3 days ahead which is pretty perfect. His placenta is in the right place, the cord looks good, my cervix is nice and long and closed, all his organs look great.
My amniotic fluid was normal, but just on the low side of normal. My doctor wasn't concerned about this but offered to do a re-check in 3 weeks. So, we get another peak in 3 weeks and I hopefully won't worry too much - because oh, how I love a reason to worry, apparently.
I completely thought we were having a girl, or at least I did until about a week ago when my brain started switching the sex of my baby in my daydreams. I was surprised. But we of course would be ecstatic with either sex, we're just so happy everything looks normal so far.
Of course here is where I should be inserting some lovely ultrasound shots (as well as my missing 18 week and 20 week belly shots) - but my internet keeps shorting out, and this is the first time I have been able to get it to work in days, so I will try to do a big post full of pics later when I am sure of more reliable internet access and I am not cussing out my computer every 10 seconds.
Speaking of photos.....I cannot wait to show you some photos from the maternity photo shoot we did with Mary Beth on Monday night at the Denver Botanic Gardens!!! She offered up a free photo shoot to someone in the Colobloggers group as her way of giving something to the infertility community and I snatched it up as quickly as I could. I will write more when I put up some pictures, but suffice to say that she is an incredibly talented and gifted artist and just generally a delightful woman to spend hours wandering through gardens with (or having lunch, whatever...). So I will try to get those up as soon as I can. And if you ever ever need some great photos of you and/or your family - please look her up!
Other than that....we survived the bathroom remodel, the houseguest, the DNC....and we are trying our best to recover and find a way to belatedly celebrate our anniversary since last week was a bit of a blur. As for my belated birthday gift(since I was working all day and cleaning all evening - totally a crime!) I have scheduled myself for a manicure/pedicure and a 90 min prenatal massage tomorrow. I. can. not. wait.
I have all sorts of poetic ramblings going through my head as I think now of raising a boy in this world - but will have to save those for later....our internet has already gone down twice since I started this post.
I guess with all I have left to post I should just end this with:
to be continued...
We are having a BOY!
Yep. And there was NO doubt about it, either!
So, we had our big ultrasound yesterday and all was well. He is healthy and looks completely adorable (if I do say so myself). He is measuring just 3 days ahead which is pretty perfect. His placenta is in the right place, the cord looks good, my cervix is nice and long and closed, all his organs look great.
My amniotic fluid was normal, but just on the low side of normal. My doctor wasn't concerned about this but offered to do a re-check in 3 weeks. So, we get another peak in 3 weeks and I hopefully won't worry too much - because oh, how I love a reason to worry, apparently.
I completely thought we were having a girl, or at least I did until about a week ago when my brain started switching the sex of my baby in my daydreams. I was surprised. But we of course would be ecstatic with either sex, we're just so happy everything looks normal so far.
Of course here is where I should be inserting some lovely ultrasound shots (as well as my missing 18 week and 20 week belly shots) - but my internet keeps shorting out, and this is the first time I have been able to get it to work in days, so I will try to do a big post full of pics later when I am sure of more reliable internet access and I am not cussing out my computer every 10 seconds.
Speaking of photos.....I cannot wait to show you some photos from the maternity photo shoot we did with Mary Beth on Monday night at the Denver Botanic Gardens!!! She offered up a free photo shoot to someone in the Colobloggers group as her way of giving something to the infertility community and I snatched it up as quickly as I could. I will write more when I put up some pictures, but suffice to say that she is an incredibly talented and gifted artist and just generally a delightful woman to spend hours wandering through gardens with (or having lunch, whatever...). So I will try to get those up as soon as I can. And if you ever ever need some great photos of you and/or your family - please look her up!
Other than that....we survived the bathroom remodel, the houseguest, the DNC....and we are trying our best to recover and find a way to belatedly celebrate our anniversary since last week was a bit of a blur. As for my belated birthday gift(since I was working all day and cleaning all evening - totally a crime!) I have scheduled myself for a manicure/pedicure and a 90 min prenatal massage tomorrow. I. can. not. wait.
I have all sorts of poetic ramblings going through my head as I think now of raising a boy in this world - but will have to save those for later....our internet has already gone down twice since I started this post.
I guess with all I have left to post I should just end this with:
to be continued...
August 24, 2008
6 years of saying "Yes"
The Truelove
There is a faith in loving fiercely
the one who is rightfully yours,
especially if you have
waited years and especially
if part of you never believed
you could deserve this
loved and beckoning hand
held out to you this way.
the one who is rightfully yours,
especially if you have
waited years and especially
if part of you never believed
you could deserve this
loved and beckoning hand
held out to you this way.
I am thinking of faith now
and the testaments of loneliness
and what we feel we are
worthy of in this world.
Years ago in the Hebrides
I remember an old man
who walked every morning
on the grey stones
to the shore of the baying seals,
who would press his hat
to his chest in the blustering
salt wind and say his prayer
to the turbulent Jesus
hidden in the water,
and I think of the story
of the storm and everyone
waking and seeing
the distant
yet familiar figure
far across the water
calling to them,
of the storm and everyone
waking and seeing
the distant
yet familiar figure
far across the water
calling to them,
and how we are all
preparing for that
abrupt waking,
and that calling,
and that moment
we have to say yes,
except it will
not come so grandly,
so Biblically,
but more subtly
and intimately in the face
of the one you know
you have to love,
so that when we finally step out of the boat
toward them, we find
everything holds
us, and confirms
our courage, and if you wanted
to drown you could,
but you don’t
because finally
after all the struggle
and all the years,
you don’t want to any more,
you’ve simply had enough
of drowning
and you want to live and you
want to love and you will
walk across any territory
and any darkness,
however fluid and however
dangerous, to take the
one hand you know
belongs in yours.
after all the struggle
and all the years,
you don’t want to any more,
you’ve simply had enough
of drowning
and you want to live and you
want to love and you will
walk across any territory
and any darkness,
however fluid and however
dangerous, to take the
one hand you know
belongs in yours.
~ David Whyte ~
(House of Belonging)
Six years ago today I said yes to the one I knew I had to love.
This has meant that we both have been required to walk across expansive territories of fierce independence and self-protection, to face darkness in the most dangerous depths of our souls, and to surrender to joy and peace in the most surprising places - all in the effort to continually "take the one hand you know belongs in yours".
By far this is the bravest, wildest, most sacred, and most rewarding journey I have ever chosen.
I feel so proud of us, so grateful that we continue to choose this path every day.
There is no one. no one. I would rather dance with.
Happy Anniversary Mr. Spicy!
Six years ago today I said yes to the one I knew I had to love.
This has meant that we both have been required to walk across expansive territories of fierce independence and self-protection, to face darkness in the most dangerous depths of our souls, and to surrender to joy and peace in the most surprising places - all in the effort to continually "take the one hand you know belongs in yours".
By far this is the bravest, wildest, most sacred, and most rewarding journey I have ever chosen.
I feel so proud of us, so grateful that we continue to choose this path every day.
There is no one. no one. I would rather dance with.
Happy Anniversary Mr. Spicy!
August 21, 2008
Older and.....more exhausted?
Today is my 34th birthday. I am 19 weeks pregnant. That's pretty much enough for me.
But if I could ask for just one gift it would be......SLEEP! 8, preferably 12, hours of blissful, uninterrupted sleep!
I am shooting for the stars here people.
Part of why I have been so remiss on my blogging duties is that a "simple" bathroom remodel (ha! if there is such a thing!) turned into our own private torture chamber a few weeks ago and has required all of my time, energy, and late night hours to try to complete it by our "deadline". Like all home remodeling projects, just about everything that could go wrong did go wrong. We had originally planned on the help of an old neighbor of ours who is an ex-contractor. He has helped us with numerous projects before and with his help we would have long ago knocked this out. Unfortunately, post-demolition, he flaked on us - just never returned our calls (we have since heard through the proverbial grapevine that he is dealing with some serious medical issues, which is really sad... what can you do?). So - it was all on us. Yay.
On the upside, I now know how to tile a bathroom floor and a shower/tub surround. I got so proficient at it in fact, that my forearms have been swollen for days! I did discover that I excel at actually measuring the tiles for cutting and doing all the crazy meticulous work that involves. Oh, and I get to brag about how I am so hardcore that I tiled a bathroom at nearly 20 weeks pregnant. So, there is that.
But, I really pushed myself a little too hard, and we both have stayed up WAY WAY too late for the last 5 or 6 nights in an effort to crank it out in time. Mr. Spicy actually never went to bed last night. As it is, our house guest/renter for the DNC will have to use our downstairs (roommate's) bathroom to shower until Sunday. Four adults sharing a tiny bathroom? We can manage.
But. We are in the home stretch. We have help coming today to finish with the grouting of the perfectly placed tile, and carpet cleaners as well. We still have a multiple page list to finish before tomorrow evening when he arrives....but I can clearly see the flicker of light at the end of the tunnel.
And. It has been really nice (minus the lack of sleep and swollen arms and feet) to work together so closely with Mr. Spicy on such a demanding project. It gave me all new confidence in our ability to work together as a team, to support each other even when we are exhausted and worn down, and to endure frustration and sleep deprivation with our grace and relationship intact. Sounds like a good boot camp for parenthood to me.
Also. I started my new job this week. I am filling in for a friend's nanny who is on maternity leave and even in the midst of this hellish week, I am really enjoying it. I will write more about that later but I can't wait till next week when I will have more energy to give to the girls and more brain cells functioning. The girls are really great. Seriously, two of the easiest kids to care for, ever. Like I said, more on that later.
Ok. This was supposed to be a "short" post bemoaning my lack of sleep - but see how much I have missed writing? I just can't stop.
19 week belly pics (I am seriously popping out now!) and pics of the horrific bathroom, a.k.a. hell on earth, to come soon!
Happy birthday to me!
But if I could ask for just one gift it would be......SLEEP! 8, preferably 12, hours of blissful, uninterrupted sleep!
I am shooting for the stars here people.
Part of why I have been so remiss on my blogging duties is that a "simple" bathroom remodel (ha! if there is such a thing!) turned into our own private torture chamber a few weeks ago and has required all of my time, energy, and late night hours to try to complete it by our "deadline". Like all home remodeling projects, just about everything that could go wrong did go wrong. We had originally planned on the help of an old neighbor of ours who is an ex-contractor. He has helped us with numerous projects before and with his help we would have long ago knocked this out. Unfortunately, post-demolition, he flaked on us - just never returned our calls (we have since heard through the proverbial grapevine that he is dealing with some serious medical issues, which is really sad... what can you do?). So - it was all on us. Yay.
On the upside, I now know how to tile a bathroom floor and a shower/tub surround. I got so proficient at it in fact, that my forearms have been swollen for days! I did discover that I excel at actually measuring the tiles for cutting and doing all the crazy meticulous work that involves. Oh, and I get to brag about how I am so hardcore that I tiled a bathroom at nearly 20 weeks pregnant. So, there is that.
But, I really pushed myself a little too hard, and we both have stayed up WAY WAY too late for the last 5 or 6 nights in an effort to crank it out in time. Mr. Spicy actually never went to bed last night. As it is, our house guest/renter for the DNC will have to use our downstairs (roommate's) bathroom to shower until Sunday. Four adults sharing a tiny bathroom? We can manage.
But. We are in the home stretch. We have help coming today to finish with the grouting of the perfectly placed tile, and carpet cleaners as well. We still have a multiple page list to finish before tomorrow evening when he arrives....but I can clearly see the flicker of light at the end of the tunnel.
And. It has been really nice (minus the lack of sleep and swollen arms and feet) to work together so closely with Mr. Spicy on such a demanding project. It gave me all new confidence in our ability to work together as a team, to support each other even when we are exhausted and worn down, and to endure frustration and sleep deprivation with our grace and relationship intact. Sounds like a good boot camp for parenthood to me.
Also. I started my new job this week. I am filling in for a friend's nanny who is on maternity leave and even in the midst of this hellish week, I am really enjoying it. I will write more about that later but I can't wait till next week when I will have more energy to give to the girls and more brain cells functioning. The girls are really great. Seriously, two of the easiest kids to care for, ever. Like I said, more on that later.
Ok. This was supposed to be a "short" post bemoaning my lack of sleep - but see how much I have missed writing? I just can't stop.
19 week belly pics (I am seriously popping out now!) and pics of the horrific bathroom, a.k.a. hell on earth, to come soon!
Happy birthday to me!
August 05, 2008
17 weeks
Dear Poblano,
You have been growing inside of me for 15 weeks. All of the websites and books tell me that your bones are hardening, your heart is pumping, your lungs are practicing breathing, and you are even gulping down a little amniotic fluid and peeing - which will be excellent practice for swimming at a public pool.
You must be pretty busy in there.
It is strange to think that right now you know so much more of me than I know of you. You know when I am awake or asleep, you know how I am feeling, you know when I am talking, singing, or laughing....but I don't know any of this about you yet. Much of it I won't even learn until you arrive here on the outside. I feel a bit at the disadvantage here.
I find myself wondering about you all the time, wondering what you think of us - your parents, these booming voices you have become so familiar with by now. I wonder what you think of us when we get a little snarky with eachother, when we baby-talk to our dogs, or when your daddy makes me laugh so hard it hurts. I wonder what your favorite moments are each day. Is it when I am driving in the car singing at the top of my lungs? Is it when your daddy comes home and we engage in goofy banter back and forth? Or is it these quiet, silent moments at night when it is just you and I and everything is calm and still?
This is where I sit right now as your mama: in a state of constant wonder and curiosity. I want so much to know you. I rub my rounding belly constantly in an effort to somehow touch you, to communicate with you. I am anxiously anticipating the first time I feel you pressing back. I know already you are moving inside of me, you are kicking, flipping, swaying. But you aren't quite big enough just yet for me to feel these little signals you are sending out to me, to the world.
Be patient little one, your efforts will reach me soon. I can hardly wait.
Love always,
Mama
You have been growing inside of me for 15 weeks. All of the websites and books tell me that your bones are hardening, your heart is pumping, your lungs are practicing breathing, and you are even gulping down a little amniotic fluid and peeing - which will be excellent practice for swimming at a public pool.
You must be pretty busy in there.
It is strange to think that right now you know so much more of me than I know of you. You know when I am awake or asleep, you know how I am feeling, you know when I am talking, singing, or laughing....but I don't know any of this about you yet. Much of it I won't even learn until you arrive here on the outside. I feel a bit at the disadvantage here.
I find myself wondering about you all the time, wondering what you think of us - your parents, these booming voices you have become so familiar with by now. I wonder what you think of us when we get a little snarky with eachother, when we baby-talk to our dogs, or when your daddy makes me laugh so hard it hurts. I wonder what your favorite moments are each day. Is it when I am driving in the car singing at the top of my lungs? Is it when your daddy comes home and we engage in goofy banter back and forth? Or is it these quiet, silent moments at night when it is just you and I and everything is calm and still?
This is where I sit right now as your mama: in a state of constant wonder and curiosity. I want so much to know you. I rub my rounding belly constantly in an effort to somehow touch you, to communicate with you. I am anxiously anticipating the first time I feel you pressing back. I know already you are moving inside of me, you are kicking, flipping, swaying. But you aren't quite big enough just yet for me to feel these little signals you are sending out to me, to the world.
Be patient little one, your efforts will reach me soon. I can hardly wait.
Love always,
Mama
August 02, 2008
Enjoying the process
I just got home from the art festival.
I was in charge of a table for children ages 5 and under. We had small canvases with designs on them and watercolors for them to paint with.
At any one time I had about eight kids huddled around the table painting and it was really fun although also - really really HOT!!!
This is the kind of stuff I just love, giving kids a creative outlet and letting them go. It was so cool to see how, even when given very similar designs, every child's painting became this unique and creative expression of themselves.
I did notice that when a few older children joined us that they seemed more inhibited and relied more on the expected color schemes (ex: a cherry on top of an ice cream sundae is always red), while these younger kids just went wild with the colors, choosing colors that they liked, going outside the lines, and combining colors in new ways. It seems the older we get the more we conform, the more we try to "fit" and we lose a lot of our natural creative intuition when we do this. Then, we arrive at adulthood and have to relearn the freedom we had so easily when we were 3.
I have to wonder if some of this conformity is something we are taught directly. So often I watched a parent jump in, grab the paint brush from the child's hand and say something along the lines of, "No, this is how you do it" or "No, use this color.", or (in my opinion) the worst, "Let me show you what you are doing wrong." It took a lot of restraint for me to just keep smiling and not to butt in. I don't want to judge these parents, I don't think they meant to be critical or limiting of their children in any way - but I really wished they would have just let their children be messy and unstructured, to paint their ice cream cones purple and brown if they wanted to and to mash their brushes into the paints with as much gusto as they chose to. To me, all of this was good. They were exploring, experimenting, creating. The supplies weren't expensive and the paints were watercolor (so no staining to worry about). So what's the harm in just letting them experience a little freedom with it? Not being a parent yet, I know I have very little room to criticize and I certainly don't think these parents harmed their children. I just have seen so many kids so inhibited in the arts and in their ability to express themselves freely and I wonder how much of it is because we all grow up in a world that limits us and tells us there is a "right" way and a "wrong" way to paint, draw, sing, dance? Whatever happened to just having fun with it? trusting our intuition? going with our gut? enjoying creating for the sake of the process rather than the product?
Eh....this is a touchy subject for me and I know I can be a bit biased on it, so I will back off.
Overall - it was a great way to spend my morning and I felt even more affirmed that where I want to end up some day career-wise is working with children again.
In the meantime I will try to remember how much I love the arts and exploring them with children and bring that to our Poblano when S/he arrives. Just watch though, I will probably have a naturally super structured kiddo who will cry when s/he paints outside of the lines. I will be the mommy begging him/her to get messy and to try painting the sky orange.
I was in charge of a table for children ages 5 and under. We had small canvases with designs on them and watercolors for them to paint with.
At any one time I had about eight kids huddled around the table painting and it was really fun although also - really really HOT!!!
This is the kind of stuff I just love, giving kids a creative outlet and letting them go. It was so cool to see how, even when given very similar designs, every child's painting became this unique and creative expression of themselves.
I did notice that when a few older children joined us that they seemed more inhibited and relied more on the expected color schemes (ex: a cherry on top of an ice cream sundae is always red), while these younger kids just went wild with the colors, choosing colors that they liked, going outside the lines, and combining colors in new ways. It seems the older we get the more we conform, the more we try to "fit" and we lose a lot of our natural creative intuition when we do this. Then, we arrive at adulthood and have to relearn the freedom we had so easily when we were 3.
I have to wonder if some of this conformity is something we are taught directly. So often I watched a parent jump in, grab the paint brush from the child's hand and say something along the lines of, "No, this is how you do it" or "No, use this color.", or (in my opinion) the worst, "Let me show you what you are doing wrong." It took a lot of restraint for me to just keep smiling and not to butt in. I don't want to judge these parents, I don't think they meant to be critical or limiting of their children in any way - but I really wished they would have just let their children be messy and unstructured, to paint their ice cream cones purple and brown if they wanted to and to mash their brushes into the paints with as much gusto as they chose to. To me, all of this was good. They were exploring, experimenting, creating. The supplies weren't expensive and the paints were watercolor (so no staining to worry about). So what's the harm in just letting them experience a little freedom with it? Not being a parent yet, I know I have very little room to criticize and I certainly don't think these parents harmed their children. I just have seen so many kids so inhibited in the arts and in their ability to express themselves freely and I wonder how much of it is because we all grow up in a world that limits us and tells us there is a "right" way and a "wrong" way to paint, draw, sing, dance? Whatever happened to just having fun with it? trusting our intuition? going with our gut? enjoying creating for the sake of the process rather than the product?
Eh....this is a touchy subject for me and I know I can be a bit biased on it, so I will back off.
Overall - it was a great way to spend my morning and I felt even more affirmed that where I want to end up some day career-wise is working with children again.
In the meantime I will try to remember how much I love the arts and exploring them with children and bring that to our Poblano when S/he arrives. Just watch though, I will probably have a naturally super structured kiddo who will cry when s/he paints outside of the lines. I will be the mommy begging him/her to get messy and to try painting the sky orange.
August 01, 2008
New Moon, New Month, New pictures....
It is a new moon tonight and the beginning of a brand new month (the month that also just happens to contain my birthday and anniversary in it) so when better to sit down and write a new post and post some new belly pics?
Well.....after my last post I feel like I owe y'all a big long post about everything that's been going on with me. But all that is coming to mind right now is something that vaguely resembles a "Here's How I Spent My Summer Vacation" essay.
And it has been a big summer so far.
The poblano and I attended a few concerts together (REM, True Colors, Indigo Girls, Feist) and Mr. Spicy even made it to one with us. He and I danced the Lindy Hop together at the Feist show to "My Moon My Man" and it was a blast - although I did feel a little like a Weeble Wobble. I loved being at these shows and sharing all these meaningful and joyful experiences with our little one this way. I danced and rocked back and forth to the music imagining the poblano soaking up the vibrations, the sounds, and all my happy endorphins, while listening to me belt out songs (although very likely horribly out of tune). I already can’t wait to take the poblano to his/her first concert one day. The True Colors tour was probably my favorite show in years and being there with hundreds of people of all ages, races, religions, sexual orientations, and genders who were all focused on equality and human rights while sharing in some amazing music (B-52s, Cyndi Lauper, Joan Armatrading) was powerful in a way I can't really find words for. Looking around at all of these beautiful people and feeling this incredibly positive and loving "vibe" that was just saturating the air, I kept thinking that this was exactly the kind of experience I want to share with my child one day. I want my child to experience the power and beauty of people united in an effort to create positive change in the world by bringing themselves, who they are, their talents, their gifts, their art, their hearts.....to one place together in hope and love for humanity. I want my child to see how amazing people can be. I want my child to see how amazing s/he is and I want my child to believe it is possible to create change with love.
Being out of a job, and having trouble finding one, I decided to volunteer a bit this summer with a day camp for youth (7-13) who live in the same urban neighborhood as we do. The camp is arts-based but also deals with issues of the community and the environment. As part of my volunteer work I had the opportunity to visit the art museum and to meet our district's city councilwoman. It was so great to be "working" with kids again and getting to experience art with them just put me right back in my element. Tomorrow I finish up my volunteering by assisting at a local arts festival that benefits the non-profit that provides this day camp. This has been such a positive experience for me and I am really grateful I had the chance to spend part of my summer this way, with these kids.
We traveled earlier this summer out to the midwest to visit family. Mid-July, the favor was returned and my youngest sister and her four kids came out here to visit the big city. It was a whirlwind of a visit but it was so good to have them here and get that time with them. We all had so much fun together and they are already planning their next trip back. Then, my eight year old niece (LJ) stayed with me the last week in July. She comes out to spend a week with us each summer and it is always a really special time for me. Mr. Spicy was traveling (again) the week she was here so it was especially nice to have her spunky, creative spirit and her sweet, tender heart here to keep me company while he was away. She just left yesterday and I miss her a ton already.
Speaking of Mr. Spicy - his company was taken over in the last month by a larger company and he has been super busy with travel, meetings, and basically just proving how indispensable he is. He also took a cross-country road trip, driving with his mom in a moving truck over 2000 miles. She moved back east this summer to help care for other family members who are dealing with serious health issues. We were both a bit sad to see her go but she is already planning her trip out here to visit the poblano early next year. Oh....and just because he doesn't have enough on his plate, the Spicy Man gutted our upstairs bathroom and it is currently awaiting remodeling/ rebuilding which we will be hurrying to get done in the next 2 weeks before the British journalist, who we will be renting our bedroom to, arrives for the DNC.
I also have been applying for jobs which has been a little weird because I really only want to work up until my last month or so of pregnancy, so I am not looking for anything long term. It is hard enough to sell yourself and put yourself out there when you are looking for jobs in your chosen field, jobs you plan to stay at for years, jobs you hope to make a career out of. But putting all that effort out there to find a job you can easily walk away from in 4 months or so just feels harder in some ways. Fortunately, a friend has asked me to cover for her nanny in Aug and Sept while she is on maternity leave (the nanny, not my friend) so that will be a good start, and her next door neighbor has expressed an interest in hiring me for the same in Oct. and Nov. - so if that works out I will be in much better shape and can finally stop obsessively scanning employment ads, which will be nice.
Speaking of not working, it has been really hard to be out of work all these months. I had planned to take off during our IVF process, but thought I would be back working much sooner than this. I haven't worked a job since March! If I were home taking care of a child that would be something, but just being a "stay-at-home-wife" has felt very weird and uncomfortable to me. I like contributing financially, I like having an answer to the "What do you do?" question. Lately I just feel this big silence come over me when that question is asked......not that I am totally wasting this time - I don't think I am - but I do better when I have a little more structure to my days and I am not quite so all alone all the time. Although, this summer has felt so incredibly busy and draining at times that I can hardly imagine having added a job into the mix any sooner.... so maybe it has all been for the best. Besides, I only began making it through an entire day without multiple naps and bouts of nausea a couple of weeks ago, so.....yeah.
On top of all this there has been the roller coaster of hormones and emotions that pregnancy brings and all that fun (not so much) deep psychological and spiritual work to be done by Mr. Spicy and I as we prepare (and freak out) on our way to becoming parents. More on that to come....
If I have not sufficiently bored you already, I will now share the belly pics of the last few weeks that prove that yes, there is in fact a little someone growing in there. Which is still a fact I can barely wrap my brain around most days.
Week 14
Week 15
(and yes, that is a toilet sitting in the middle of the room....remember when I mentioned the "gutted" bathroom? I wasn't kidding! I suggested we leave it here and use it as a giant water bowl for the dogs....but Mr. Spicy vetoed the idea.)
and........Week 16
(the red shirt against the red wall isn't my best artistic choice but check out those sexy maternity jeans! I will be keeping those long after pregnancy for those big thanksgiving dinners....it makes me wonder why I ever wore pants with buttons or zippers?)
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