December 18, 2009

Truth

In the last three months...... (in no particular order)

We completely remodeled our upstairs, living in our dining room for a full month and dealing with the post-construction deep cleaning of our entire house twice.

Mr. Spicy and I both had the swine flu.

I had the swine flu on a week that Mr. Spicy had to be out of town for work.

Our oven died.

We moved Zane into his own room.

I traveled alone with Zane across two time zones, and visiting two different states, taking two plane rides, and four trains.

Zane has suffered with the croup, two bad colds, two severe ear infections, Roseola, diarrhea, and a possible urinary tract infection.

We have suffered with each illness as well.

We traveled for two weeks as a family, across two time zones, visiting family, only to come home to a house covered in construction dust.

I have battled sleep deprivation and bouts of post-partum depression more often than I would like to admit.




It's been rough. I am not even sure if the list above does it justice. I am exhausted and it feels like just as I find my equilibrium, just as I am sleeping a bit more feeling more myself, just as Zane is healthy and actually able to venture out into the world again. Bam!

This week I was feeling good, I was planning on signing up for an art class in January, finally feeling free and excited to take a little time for myself on a regular basis. I was keeping up with housework, making delicious dinners, doing loving things for my husband, spending time with a friend.

Then Wednesday night Zane spiked a fever and was up literally from midnight to 6am. And although Mr. Spicy and I have been doing shifts at night so I can get more sleep, there was no chance I was going to sleep through this, so I stayed with Z all night, just holding him and worrying. A visit to the Dr. confirmed a nasty ear infection. But Thu. night wasn't much better.

I have learned in the last three months that my depression is pretty much guaranteed to show up when I am not getting enough sleep. And sure enough, it's back. And I feel so incredibly discouraged. I hate being here. I want the energy and the joy I felt earlier in the week. I want to finish decorating our little tree, finish Christmas shopping, sing carols to Zane. Instead I am sitting un-showered, in disheveled pj's trying to muster up the energy to make a sandwich to eat.

I feel so angry. I feel like I am being robbed of the delight I want to be feeling for my son and my life right now. I feel like just as I climb up and out of this, I get a boot to the face again.

I hate to even be writing this. This is not what I want to remember of this time, this is not who I want to be. I feel like I am complaining and being negative and I have so much good to be celebrating instead. But maybe that's another post for another day.

It has been a hard few months. I am careworn and dog-tired.

I think I just needed to say that and have it be ok.

It is hard to give myself permission to say that I am struggling. It is hard to admit that life isn't what I would hope right now. It is hard to admit I am not always strong enough to make it all better on my own. It is hard to not feel like I am failing. It is hard not to be angry at everyone else in the world who seems to be ok. It is hard not to feel like a total loser.

I don't know what else to say.

I love being a mother. I love being Zane's mom. That much is certain. He is the most incredible little person and I absolutely adore him. I would do anything for him.

But damn, it is hard being a mama right now.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh my. Take care. Don't rule out some therapy and meds. I know you already think about this a bit, but you posted this narrative to the internet heavens. As one who walked in your shoes four times (one baby no longer living), well, the brain needs what the brain needs. Sometimes that is a med to help with neurotransmitter regulation.

And, the heart wants what the heart wants. Zane plus SpiceyM and D...glad for that trio.

Denise said...

Being a mama is definitely hard. The hardest, I think. It is okay to struggle and it is okay to admit you are struggling. Especially this time of year when illness is so rampant, we are forced indoors so much of the time and there is so much pressure for everything to be perfect and for us to be happy (which just causes more stress!). I hope things turn around soon, that illness leaves your home, and that you are able to find some peace and joy sometime soon. Thinking of you all!

Spicy Sister said...

Anonymous - I am so sorry for your loss. Thanks for the comment. I am in therapy weekly and meds have not been ruled out, not by a long shot. In fact, I will probably be having a conversation about meds with my therapist this week. Thanks for your care and support.

Denise,

Thanks for understanding. It is a hard season. I need time outdoors in the sunshine, being active, and a sick baby and cold weather don't allow much of that. Thanks so much for "getting" it and wishing us all well. I really appreciate it!

On a related note....got a bit of sleep last night and feeling better. Not 100% yet, but better. So grateful to everyone for their care and concern and support. Thank you.

About Me said...

I am really sorry sweetie. Your list sounds unbearable - even with a healthy child and ounces of energy stockpiled someplace....it sounds nearly impossible to take.

It is wonderful to admit when you need help or are struggling. It is a fine art to get good at it...

Hang in there. The sun will break through.