February 19, 2009

What a difference a year makes

Wow. I can't believe it has been 2 weeks since I have posted. I also can't believe I completely missed my one year blogoversary. Yep. One year ago, on Feb. 11th, I began this blog as a place to document my journey through IVF. One year ago I was thick in the battle of infertility and feeling hopeful and scared about what was to come.

I feel so very very far from all of that now. I can't really even fathom calling myself an infertile. Not when I see the face of my son staring back at me. No. I can say I "struggled with infertility" but that feels so distant and foreign now.

I remember walking into IVF thinking, "This has to be the door to our next chapter, I can't take living in this place anymore - I can't take the waiting and disappointment and longing anymore. It has been so long." We were about 2.5 years in at that point. Now I know what a short time that was in comparison to so many others who have been through so much more. I also know now that everything I went through, every disappointment, though excruciating at the time, all of it was such a small small price to pay for the privilege of being Zane's mother. I am just so incredibly aware of how fortunate I truly am. I hope I never forget.

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These days run into eachother. Day seeps into night, night fades to day - in increments measured by feedings, diaper changes, and precious hours of sleep. Time has a different meaning. Time is meaningful only in relation to him. How many hours since he last ate, how many hours he slept last night, and how very very quickly he is growing, growing and changing right before my eyes. I feel pangs of sadness each night as he falls to sleep because I know he will be a different baby in the morning. Each day he is different, each day I say good-bye to the baby I knew the day before. He gets bigger and more agile every morning. And as I celebrate every new accomplishment and experience, I know his days are flying past. He will soon be a month old. I want to beg him to slow down so I can catch up, catch my breath. But all I can do is hold on with both hands and let him lead the way......And what a beautiful and wild adventure he is leading me into.

6 comments:

Denise said...

Beautifully written and so true about time.

annacyclopediaisworkingonit said...

I just missed my own blogoversary, too! I'm so glad for all that has changed for you in the past year. In fact, I rejoice in it and take hope from it. May your wild adventure as Zane's mother bring you deeper peace and greater joy with each passing day.

s.e. said...

I just felt more connected to you as I realized we started blogging on the same exact day.

And this was so encouraging to see the distance you have from infertility now. I often wonder if the pain ever receeds or if the bitterness goes away.

I don't get hope anymore from many posts but somehow your words spoke to me and the photo of Zane at the end was all I needed tonight.

Secret Pop Star said...

Oh! He's Dreamy!!! I can't wait to be able to experience this awesomeness myself! What a beautiful baby!

The Muser (aka Beautiful Mama) said...

I remember that feeling with SparkleEyes: you're a new baby every day. I rejoiced in the new baby she became each new moment and grieved for the one who had gone forever, except somehow inside me and my heart, somehow inside her...

Phoebe said...

Wow, he's changed so much in such a short time! Happy belated blogoversary!!